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RHoNJ – Gia Rocks & Melissa Sucks

by Ilana Angel

July 15, 2012 | 9:34 pm

Jacqueline Laurita, Teresa Giudice, Caroline Manzo, Kathy Wakile, Melissa Gorga. Photo by Tommy Garcia/Bravo

We start off the train wreck with Melissa proving she cannot sing, and she cannot dance either.  Chris Judd is humiliating himself by trying to choreograph her, which is hilarious.  We flash to Gia learning her dance moves and we see that she is fabulous.  It is really rather entertaining.

Melissa lets us know that even though she is not the best singer in the world, it takes courage to do what she does.  Really?  It takes courage to go on TV and whore yourself out for money, while ruining your family in order to get extra camera time?  That’s not bravery as much as it is bitchery.

Kathy is trying to sell her baked goods and is it just me or has she been trying to do this since she got on the show?  She is a great baker but that she is still trying to do this after the exposure of the show, makes you wonder what the issue is.  She’s not Teresa, that’s for sure.

Kathy is selling her wares, Rich is being the inappropriate and disgusting pig that he is, and I’m bored.  This is a very sweet family but at the end of the day they are simply not that interesting.  She is sweet, her husband is a douchelord, her kids are lovely, and she needs to be fired.

We are with the Manzo family and it is pathetic.  The boys are getting ready to sell the toxic water at a food show and Albert is there to sell his sauce. Funny how Albert only appears when it involves his making money or telling us it’s his fault Lauren is fat.  This family is annoying.

Melissa and Joe are at the shore and Melissa is wearing a bathing suit, with stilettos.  Really? She is in the pool with her kids and those shoes are needed?  This couple is cute but the cuteness is trumped by the fact that they are evil and disgusting.  That’s just my opinion.

Chris is driving the losers to the food show and talking about how he has been struggling financially.  He has invested everything in Blk. and one has to wonder exactly how dumb is this guy?  Blk. is gross, the whole idea of it is gross, and the Manzo boys are gross.

Sidebar:  When this show started I loved the Manzo family.  I thought they were charming, funny and hardworking.  I now think they are tired, boring, and useless.  They have sucked the joy out of this show and made it near impossible to watch.  I hope they disappear just like Blk.

The boys stop at some diner to do an eating challenge with burgers and fries.  They are eating, burping, and bordering on vomiting and I have to ask: Has Bravo lost their mind?  THIS IS NOT ENTERTIANING YOU MORONS AND WE ARE GOING TO BAIL ON YOU.

Melissa and Joe are making out and their daughter is scripted to come in and break up their intimate moment.  Seriously?  It is so fake that even my wine is not making this watchable.  I am switching over to tequila and I am sending my bill for rehab to the douchebags at Bravo.

Just when we finish watching the van of losers each lunch, we are now forced to watch them eat dinner.  They are talking about Albie’s fake girlfriend and he tells the camera is not into having a girlfriend, and it’s hard because he really digs Lindsay.  His nose is growing.

Chris is trying to teach the boys about life, and they are getting wasted and puking.  This show is ridiculous and I am about done.  Just when I think I will change the channel, we get a dose of Teresa and all is well in the world of the housewives.  Damn Teresa for making me watch.

Melissa is getting ready for her performance and lets us know it is a gift to Joe for their 7th wedding anniversary.  How is her public humiliation a gift? After the life he has given her, she should be servicing him in the same way she got him, not fake singing to strangers.

The losers arrive at the food show with cases of water that are stamped with: “Spring Water Infused with Fulvic Acid”.  I’m not going to bother Googling it. Yummy!  By yummy of course I mean it is toxic waste that probably tastes like ass and I would never drink it.

Jac appears to let us know Chris went bankrupt and all their eggs are in the Blk. basket.  Sidebar:  Jac is a crazy person who needs to get the hell off of Twitter because she is an idiot.  I say this because her two or three fans will lose their minds and I find it entertaining.

The boys want to have fun but Chris is cracking the whip.  He is clearly desperate and I feel bad for him because he is a good guy.  It’s his family that is a mess.  Juicy, Tre and the girls are going to the concert by limo and Gorga is driving Melissa.  Should be funny as hell.

At the food show people do not want to drink Blk. because it looks gross and they are hilarious.  Greg finds Patti LaBelle at the show and goes to meet her, but the Manzo’s have no idea who she is.  Patti is glorious and then they try to poison her by giving her some Blk.

How dare these losers try to kill Ms. Patti?  Who the hell do they think they are?  The only thing more upsetting than watching Patti poisoned, is watching Joe Gorga suck on the feet of Melissa.  Everyone at Bravo needs to get canned for putting this crap on our televisions.

Everyone arrives at the show and Melissa is fake and sugary, while her sisters look at Tre with envy in their eyes.  They want to be on the show so bad they can taste it.  We jump to the Gia’s show and it is fabulous.  Juicy cries when he watches her and it is adorable.

Melissa is impressed by Gia and is nervous she will embarrass herself. Translation:  That little girl dances better than me and I am about to prove to the world that I have no talent.  Damn it!  Damn that Teresa for being better at everything.  Why can’t I be like Teresa?

Albert is sampling his pasta sauce and tells people it tastes like homemade pasta sauce.  What?  Would the pasta sauce taste like something other than pasta sauce?  The Manzo family needs to go back to their lives and spare us from their boring and desperate attempt at fame.

Melissa sings at the show.  By sings of course I mean does not really sing anything.  They show the front row filled with her family dancing, but when they show the crowd shot, they family are the only ones dancing.  She was a train wreck on this train wreck and her song sucks.

The Manzo’s are at dinner and everyone is telling Albie that he needs to chose work over love and might need to bail on Lindsay.  Albie tells the camera he is focused on his family and he would choose them over Lindsay. By Lindsay of course he means he is going to stick by Greg.

Melissa does not want to be cocky, but she was fabulous and is allowed to be a diva and own it.  Dear Melissa Gorga, you are very beautiful.  You are not however a good singer or a dancer.  You lied your way onto this show and while we wish you well, get lost already.  Enough.

Tre and Melissa are talking about the trip to Napa and we see that they are both trying.  I truly wish them well.  By wish them well of course I mean this happened a year ago and I don’t really care. Cut to Caroline who says she wishes she could uninvite Tre and Juicy to Napa.

The majority of this week was spent on the Manzo family and that is not cool.  They are not interesting and I resent that I am being force fed this crap.  Next week will be more of the same.  I’m watching and hoping these chicks find a way to go back to keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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