Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of New Jersey Double Blog

by Ilana Angel

August 20, 2012 | 9:42 am

A hag with no make-up.

This is the one housewife show I enjoy watching.  That said, they are testing my patience.  It is predictable and not real, but somehow I look forward to it each week.  I missed last week as I was away, so this is a double dose of blogging.  Two weeks, one blog.  Lets begin!

Hang on, before I start I just want to say the Manzo-a-Thon was a complete crapfest and Bravo should be ashamed of themselves. Ashamed for putting those losers on my TV for so long, and ashamed for not sending me some of the weed they are all smoking over there.

Last week we started with the camping trip in California.  Jac is whining about how close she was with Teresa, and Joe Gorga and the Manzo losers along, with their girlfriend Greg, are being gross and inappropriate.  They are all hammered and decide the best thing to do is go surfing.

Caroline is such a sour puss that when she speaks you can actually see vinegar dripping out of the side of her mouth.  Jac is not surfing because she thinks she is too fat, but Chris assures us her body is hot.  Joe is bragging about the size of his member, and the surfing is on.

We watch 10 minutes of surfing and I’m bored.  By surfing of course I mean listening to people talk crap about Teresa.  We then are forced to listen to everyone talk about the size of their penises and Melissa talk about how she likes to feel up Teresa. 

After the sex talk, we are off to play truth or dare and I want to cut myself.  Joe Gorga is funny, then Lauren is a mood killer by asking Albie if he is worried they will grow apart.  This puts Lauren over the edge and she starts crying.  I seriously want to pull her hair out one at a time.

Albie lets his family know his “girlfriend” has moved in with him.  By family of course I mean everyone but Lauren who will die a little bit.  He tells her over walkie-talkie and she is crushed.  She says they want to replace her with new friends and now I want to hurt her.  Not really. 

They are driving through some of the most beautiful parts of California and you’d think it was Deliverance the way they react.  They reach their destination and attempt to make shopping look spontaneous when it clearly is just another scripted load of crap.  I’m on my way to drunk.

At dinner Lauren has a nervous breakdown and cries, again, at the fact that her brothers think she is a whiny bitch.  She is annoying and I’m thinking she should have wired her mouth shut instead of getting the lap band.  The results would have been the same but she’d stop talking so much.

They go canoeing and it’s stupid.  They are all acting like children and Caroline tells us, again, that she is not stupid.  The instructor tells them they can’t go without a life preserver, but no one is wearing one.  Melissa falls in the water and her screaming makes me want to kill myself.

Juicy and Gorga go to pee together, which is romantic.  They make up, I think, and then piss on each other.  Melissa is telling Kathy she is happy about how great things are going with Teresa, and Kathy is annoyed that she is being left out of the family reconciliation.  Kathy blows.

The conversation is once again about Teresa.  All these people have to talk about is Teresa.  Caroline is grilling Jac about how horrible Teresa is.  Jac clearly misses her friend and wants their connection back so she can have more airtime, and Caroline wants to throw her under the bus.

Teresa takes Jac off to chat and try to work things out.  Teresa is not sure why Jac got weird and Jac wants Teresa to promise she will be her one phone call when she goes to jail.  It’s a stupid conversation and I don’t know how anyone can watch it and not be on Teresa’s side.

Jac is a loser, with no neck.  Teresa says they will be friends when they get back and Jac says it can be a fake friendship, and I am worried because I have had almost three glasses of wine and have another full episode to go. A double blog seemed like a good idea an hour go.

No episode would be complete without a fake cry from Jac.  Every time I see this woman I feel sorry for Ashley.  Teresa is solid, Jac is jello, and Caroline is fuming they are getting along.  One week down and I am opening another bottle in order to make it through to the other side.

We are still on the camping trip, which feels like it’s been months.  Teresa is trying to keep Juicy interested with sex but he’s checked out already and it is very sad.  Melissa acts offended by their sexual talk and I’m laughing. All she talks about is her husband’s penis so now she is a prude?

Jac tells Caroline that she did not make up with Teresa, and Teresa is telling Melissa that Jac is out of control.  Its pissing me off because they sort of make up to us, then are throwing each other under the bus.  Melissa is telling Tre to not talk about anyone, and Caroline is being a bitch.

Melissa and Teresa are getting along which is nice.  I’m not sure what will happen with them, but in my opinion people need to stop hating on Teresa and support her through what appears to be a difficult time.  That is not happening in the other RV.  Lauren is now bagging on Teresa.

Caroline and Lauren are so jealous of Teresa that it’s crazy.  Jac is sticking by her desire to be friends with Teresa, then Albie and Chris jump in on the bash Teresa bus.  The Manzo family is simply annoying and they all need to be fired.  Seriously.  Enough.  They are a bunch of losers.

They arrive at a gorgeous location and I am pissed off because the amount of money Bravo paid to put them up there could have been used to send us all a bottle of wine and some of the killer weed they are smoking.  The folks at Bravo are clearly lit if they think this is good television.

They go to a meeting for Chris, Albie and Christopher, and in a stroke of genius, they take the entire group to the meeting.  They are drinking during the ride over and no good can come of it.  Chris is saying he will not put up with crap from anyone and I’m laughing at how stupid he is.

Christopher and Albie are trying to act like they care about wine and it’s laughable.  Everyone else is hanging out and being perverted which is pissing off Chris to no end.  Well genius, if you don’t want to have a circus, don’t travel with clowns.  This show is a bucket full of crap.

They are heading back to the hotel and Al and Juicy get into a fight about chicken.  Al Manzo is a cranky old man.  It makes sense since he is married to a bitter old hag.  They are a miserable family and someone needs to pull the plug on them.  Remember when they were fabulous?

They are at a winery and the gang is embarrassing.  I’m not embarrassed and actually think it was funny, but the tour guides are mortified and Caroline is not pleased.  Not saying a lot since nothing pleases Caroline anymore.  We are then off to a surprise dinner for her 50th birthday.

The 3 Manzo spawn give a toast to their humorless mother and it’s sweet.  I love how they love her.  That said, thy is a bunch of losers and she should be ashamed that she has raised them all to be nothing.  She wanted this show to springboard them all to fame.  Not happening.

Lauren tells her mother she has been a role model and I am laughing through my tears.  My fake Jac Laurita tears.  Juicy gives a speech that is sweet and we see he is a buffoon but a good guy.  Wait.  He is about to enter in the land of the Douchelord.  It’s coming people.  In 3, 2, 1.

Juicy excuses himself from the table and takes a call from a whore.  He speaks badly about Teresa as she walks over and it is crushing.  I won’t comment further, only to say that this is a humiliation that is unkind and Bravo should have been respectful of Teresa and her children.

Caroline tells the camera she feels bad for Teresa but does not want to get into her marriage.  Really?  Caroline is a hypocrite, a liar, and a bitch.  She is miserable that Teresa has been a break out star while her family can’t seem to catch a break. Jac is just as bitter as Caroline is.

Richie is a lowlife pig and I am offended by him every time he speaks. Instead of being grateful that he and his pathetic wife are on the show, he is a putz who thinks he is funny and is inappropriate.  He was so funny in the beginning but became a loser.  I’m so over him.

Jac is doing Teresa’s hair and it’s sad.  I feel bad for Teresa.  Teresa tells Jac things are going great with Melissa, but strained with Kathy.  Over with Caroline and Kathy, Kathy is complaining about being left out with Teresa and Caroline is all over it and tries to start trouble again.

Jac joins them and Caroline is still pushing trouble.  Kathy and Caroline are both miserable and listening to them gives me a headache.  To be clear, I’ve had a lot of wine and almost 2 hours of this crap, so the headache might have nothing to with Caroline.  Just kidding.  It’s all her.

Sidebar:  Did we just see a commercial for Caroline and Teresa on WWHL? They say it is with both of them but I’m guessing they won’t appear together.  If they do, and are nice to each other, after Teresa has now scene all the crap Caroline has done, I will scream.

It’s the final night on what seems to be a month long vacation.  Teresa gives a toast to her brother and Caroline and Kathy gets her panties in a bunch that she was not mentioned.  Really?  She has been a bitch and now she is upset that she was not thanked?  It was not a dig at Kathy.

The trip was about mending fences with her brother, not her cousin. Caroline says Teresa is disgraceful and openly discusses it at the table for all to hear.  Rich is pissed off his wife was hurt, and we are again reminded everyone is jealous of Teresa and her success.  Even Juicy.

And so the episode comes to an end.  Next week looks like there will be a few fireworks and I’m looking forward to seeing WWHL.  That’s something I thought I would never say!  I‘ll be back next week, thankful I only have to watch an hour, and prepared to keep it real.


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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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