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Real Housewives of New Jersey Double Blog

by Ilana Angel

August 21, 2014 | 11:53 am

Tonight's typos are generously sponsored by Merlot.

I just watched two episodes and must say this show is over. I was hopeful for this season as Caroline was gone. She sucked the joy out of this show, as did Jacqueline, so there was a chance it could be good again. Dina coming back was promising, but the best thing was that Kathy and her revolting husband Rich were out. Not so fast. Kathy and her pig are still floating around, Dina is boring, Melissa is not interesting, the new girls suck, and poor Teresa is left to carry the show on her own. The show is slow, forced, predictable, and a waste of time. Forget about beating a dead horse, this show has burned it on the grill.

I have three quarters of a bottle of wine in the house and two hours to blog, so I am going to move quickly, skip over bullshit, and try to come out the other side before I take my last sip. Wish me luck! The party at Bobby’s is still going on and Jim is being a douchelord. Juicy is letting it all go and Joe Gorga is ready to rumble. Whatever. Joe is in Jim’s face, Melissa steps in and Joe tells her to shut up. Finally. I’ve been yelling at the TV for her to shut up for years. Important to note Nicole’s voice makes me want to swallow glass. Nicole tells us all the important people of her community hang out at Dunkin Donuts.

Jim is trying to explain things to Teresa, Dina, and Melissa. They don’t get it and he calls them stupid. Dina is the voice of reason, Melissa really is stupid, and Teresa is confused. Nicole and Bobby get into a fight about Amber. Bobby was never going to marry Nicole and that has nothing to do with the fight. Cut to Teresa’s house, they have kennels and dogs. Weird. Juicy gets chickens and a rooster. Teresa and Juicy have awesome kids. I love Teresa but need her to stop talking about what a great dad Juicy is. He put his family in a horrible position so one can question his parenting. He loves his kids, but enough.

Over to Dina, she has a date with fireman Matt. He arrives over 30 minutes late and has nothing to talk about. Dear Lord. Matt is so slow. The guy is sweet and harmless, but no. He will meet someone equally as slow and live happily ever after. Bless him. Dina shouldn't be dating while living with her husband. Time to jump to Amber and Jim’s. I’m not digging these two. Bobby comes over to make up and there is clearly an agenda. Bravo is trying to get us to buy into these new people so if Teresa is out the show continues. The thing is if Teresa goes, we go. Why would we watch RHONJ without her?

If Bobby’s loyalty is to Jim they're doomed. Jim is talking about how Bobby is not into Nicole and it is strange. Jim and Amber tell Bobby they’re done with him. Why are these men such bitches? We knew Bobby was out when he got Nicole a dumbass Christmas gift so why would Jim throw him under the bus? Jim is a chick. The twins are at Melissa and Joe’s. The Gorga kids are cute. I don’t get why they insist on shooting this shit in front of the kids. Get a babysitter, put the kids to bed, do something so they aren’t exposed to this crapfest. They gossip about Amber and the unfortunate size of Jim’s penis.

One of Juicy’s dogs got out of his kennel and killed two chickens. Juicy and Rosie go with Milania to get new chickens. Rosie is fabulous and should've been a housewife over the three they picked. Rosie is good TV. Rosie offers support to Juicy and it is touching. I love Rosie. Shame about her sister.  Amber invites Teresa and Jim to a spa to get facials. Amber says Jim respects them. Um, no he doesn’t. This is bullshit. Or rather, bird shit, which is what they have on their faces. They talk crap about Melissa, then Amber lets us know Jesus forgives murderers, so she can forgive too. Shut up Amber.

Dina and Lexi get matching tattoos. Lexi is a beauty but she has the NJ voice thing happening. Dina wonders if she's knocked Jewish men out of her dating pool buy getting a tattoo. No. I like Dina but come on. She's not giving anything of interest and I’m tired of waiting. Bobby and Nicole are at a gun range. Her voice is nails on a chalkboard. I have one glass of wine left and not even through the first hour. God help me. Bobby says the fight brought them closer because he chose Nicole over Jimmy. These two just don’t have chemistry. They’re a bore. This show is a bore. I’m going to run out of wine!

Amber and Melissa are having coffee. Amber is never going to speak to the twins again and Melissa reminds her she was the aggressive one. The entire fight is because of Melissa. Melissa should never of said anything and Amber should never of trusted a stupid whore like Melissa. Watching Amber and Melissa fight makes me want to bash my head against the wall. Melissa wants to be the Queen, Amber wants to be famous, and I’m done. Melissa, the master of having an agenda, accuses Amber of having an agenda. This show is dumb. I made it through an hour and have another to go. Last of the wine is poured.

Melissa and Joe are having the truck painted. Melissa wants us to think she is Joe’s partner. Okay. You’re a businesswoman. Over to Amber, she's having people over to watch the new commercial for the first time. It is embarrassing. The commercial sucks. Time for everyone, except Amber, to get together for dinner at one of Teresa’s restaurant. Nicole is the prettier twin and Rino is putting on the charm. Melissa starts gossiping right away. I find it hard to believe this woman has any real friends. She is not a girl’s girl, just a mean girl.

People are arriving to dinner, including Kathy with another plate of canolli. Rosie comes with her girlfriend Ellen, who is lovely. Rosie is a great lady and to see her in love is something we've wanted for her a long time. Rosie is sunshine on the show. She gives a toast to her lady and it is perfect. Cut to Nicole at work, booking private jets. She says her voice changes at work where she is serious. Um, no it doesn’t. Nicole invites her out to talk and clear the air. Whatever. Nicole is worried about her reputation, which is pristine. Really? How did these twins even get on this show? Is this the best of NJ?

It is Gia’s birthday and she is a teenager. Gia is clearly mortified by her parents. She is a great kid but is done with being on the show and I feel like they’re forcing her. She is growing up and this must be hard. I get it with the young ones, but cut this kid some slack. Milania is a hoot and should have her own show. Teresa and Rino are looking at another restaurant and I don’t care. Teresa is dumb and nobody is particularly interested in her opinion at her meeting so why should we be? Back to Gia, she gets a ridiculous diamond ring from her mother. She’s having a heart to heart from her dad and it is sweet, but feels awkward.

Melissa and Joe are together and he tells her to shut up again. Thank you Joe. They are touring the facility that disintegrates the paper that their truck will do. Melissa doesn’t understand anything she is being told. Joe says she will be the face of the company and make sales. Really? I’m not doing business with Melissa Gorga. Teresa is at Dina’s to make a vision board. Seriously? I just can’t with this bullshit of Dina’s. She’s ridiculous and I’m skipping over this. Teresa doesn’t believe in it, and wants us to know she’s not into material things and ready to downsize her house. I love Teresa but she ‘s playing a role for the court. 

Oh. My. God. Again with Teresa and the restaurant business? Rino tells his son all he needs is money to get any woman he wants. Charming. We now have the big meting with Nicole and Amber. Jim is waiting in the car like a mobster and it is stupid. Why are we being force-fed these bitches? We don’t care Bravo. Amber and Nicole forgive each other. These chicks are so desperate to be on this show. The Real Housewives of NJ make blogging reality TV hard. There’s nothing to hold my interest. It is easier to watch with no volume.  I need to do a liquor run before the next episode airs because none of these chicks know how to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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