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Real Housewives of Miami Reunion Recap

by Ilana Angel

November 11, 2013 | 8:08 pm

The reunions are always the best part of a housewives season but in the case of Miami, it might be the only good thing. This was a boring season and the women are hideous. They will cry, yell, accuse, and bully. I have got a bottle of wine so here we go Miami. I hope these ladies are finally able to be honest with each other. By ladies of course I mean they are not ladies.

Andy looks good and I am digging his grey hair. They are all starting off polite but it is going to go down. Lisa says not a lot of people in Miami work, Joanna goes after Lisa almost immediately and it is on, but not just yet. We recap the wedding of Adriana and Joanna. They were boring the first time around so I don’t understand the need for the long recap.

Joanna says not much has changed since she got married. That’s a shame since it means they still don't have sex. Bless her. Joanna says Adriana’s wedding was gorgeous but the waiting was rude and guests were miserable. .Adriana admits she has a problem with being late and asks if there is an “AAA” for lateness. She really is quite a dumb girl. 

Adriana says she did not like Joanna’s dress and I’m a little bored. We sat through an entire season of crap and this needs to get interesting real fast. Cut to a recap of Lisa and Joanna’s friendship. These chicks are not real friends and we see all the fighting. Sidebar: Lisa looks a little bit like Melissa Rivers. Oy Vey. That was mean. True, but a little mean.

Adriana stands up for Lisa pointing out that Joanna was ungrateful when it comes to Lisa’s friendship. Lisa says she struggles as an immigrant from Canada. Oh. My. God. I am Canadian and I can assure you my immigration was a piece of cake. Lisa is defensive about having married for money and Alexia asks an innocent question and Lisa goes after her. Lisa is on edge.

Alexia points out she was a special education teacher for thirteen years when she met her rich husband. The point is these women all married well and with the exception of Joanna, men that were more rich than handsome. Joanna says maybe Lisa would have an easier time of getting pregnant if she stopped drinking. Below the belt. Joanna is a bitch. Know it.

Joanna implies that Lisa was doing drugs at the wedding. Or did she imply she cheated? Either way it was gross. Joanna says she is working on her sex life, and Lisa says Lenny is too tired for sex. Alexia won’t comment on her sex life. Adriana says her sex is hot, and Lea says she enjoys a great sex life.  Who cares about this? I could not care any less about their sex.

Adriana asks Joanna about her relationship with Mohamed and says that Brandi from RHOBH told her that Joanna was the reason Yolanda Foster’s marriage to Mohamed ended. Interesting for Adriana to bring it up, and even more interesting she brings up Brandi. Adriana calls Joanna a home wrecker and Joanna is offering to take a lie detector test to prove she is not.

Adriana says it was rude for Joana to invite the man whose marriage she ended to her wedding. I don’t know what happened with Mohamed but I am guessing Joana banged him. Come on. Adriana says Romain is gay, Romain says Adriana wants him, Adriana ask why she would want a man with a limp dick.  It is high school and I am laughing at these women.

Time to talk about Adriana being married for five years and the end of her friendship with Lea. I believe Adriana when she says Lea sold the story to the newspaper. They are vicious to each other. Adriana apologizes to everyone for her lie about her being married. Lea points out that Adriana lied about a lot of things in terms of her history. Lea is a twat.

Lea brings evidence she paid for Adriana’s son to stay in school. On this point I believe Lea. It is impossible to know who is telling the truth so the easiest thing is to assume they are all lying. This reunion is ugly and I am disappointed by the fact that after an hour we know nothing new except that these bitches are useless. Maybe part two will keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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