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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills & Vanderpump Crap

by Ilana Angel

January 8, 2013 | 4:42 am

Brandi Glanville: Gangster Rock Star

After taking a break for the holidays, the ladies of Beverly Hills are back.  By ladies of course I mean there are two ladies and a bunch of hags.  I have missed this group and after the epic failure that is Real Housewives of Miami, these women are fabulous television. Except for Faye Resnick.

Ms. Resnick is disgusting and if Bravo continues to include her I will be out. By out of course I mean drunk because it will be impossible to watch this show without serious booze.  Dear Bravo, nobody likes this woman and you would be well advised to cut her loose. Cut her loser friend Kyle too.

We pick up with Faye talking crap about something that she knows nothing about, and Brandi leaving Kyle’s dinner party.  Faye Resnick talking about integrity is hilarious.  She is a whore who danced on her friend’s grave for a few dollars and she is talking integrity?  Dear Lord.  Shut up Faye.

Brandi is outside crying while she waits for her car and while it is crushing, I am more focused on Kyle and the fact that she is a backstabbing bitch who is all about getting airtime.  Lisa comes out to comfort Brandi and Kyle is talking all about herself rather than her guest leaving in tears.

Cut to Taylor who has a medium over to help her see the future.  She name drops about this kook and while it is hilarious, can we talk about Taylor answering the door with a dog in her hand. Really?  Did she not lose her mind over Kennedy’s dog allergy when Russell got her one as a gift?

I am of the opinion that Taylor Armstrong is a pathological liar.  Watching her on this show makes me laugh because there is something quite funny about her total and complete fakeness.  As for the medium, she is a lunatic and while I believe in people with this gift, this woman is not gifted.

Kyle is doing yoga with Marisa, the new “friend”.  I like Marisa but she came through Kyle so it makes me not trust her.  Kyle is evil.  Marisa is talking about the group of ladies as being mean and immature, but never mentions that Kyle is an instigator. She has potential, but I’m leery.

Brandi is shopping with Lisa and refers to Resnick as a “chick with a dick”.  I freaking love this girl.  Her body is ridiculous and I would like to live in that body for 24 hours.  Lisa talks to Brandi about Scheana and that she wants to talk to Brandi.  Lisa is whoring her new show.  Not cute.

Brandi agrees to talk to the whore for Lisa and it is sad.  Lisa comes out looking pathetic, Scheana comes across as a moron, and Brandi comes out as a gangster rock star.  The whole thing is set up to help launch Vanderpump Rules, which is ridiculous. I hate that Bravo thinks we are all dumb.

Over at Husband Killer, she gets a call from her lawyer saying the lawsuit against her can be settled if she gives up her wedding ring and a couple Hermes bags.  She cries and acts broken by the request, which is laughable.  Taylor is an idiot and she has no tears, which is hilarious.

Over with Yolanda, I have to wonder why she is on this show.  We never see her and when we do, she is boring and condescending.  Her model daughter wants to play volleyball and Mommy Dearest thinks it will be bad for her body and modeling career.   I officially think Yolanda is a tool.

Yolanda is wearing a sleeveless shirt and a ski vest, which is weird.  She sits on the kitchen counter to eat, which is weird.  Her husband tells us all the time how old fashioned she is, and it is weird.  I like David Foster but this show makes him look like a tool, just like his wife. They can go.

Brandi visits Camille and it’s not interesting so I'm skipping over it.  Brandi is interesting all by herself and does not need to drag Camille in. Camille is boring, always was on this show. Brandi needs to fly solo and if talking to someone is needed, it should not be snooze fest Camille.

We get a glimpse of Adrienne and Paul who announce their new skin care line.  Whatever. They clearly hate each other and watching them is stupid.  I’m skipping over it because if I keep watching I will fall asleep. Adrienne Maloof is a moron and her husband is a loser. End of story.

Taylor and her lawyer are having dinner with Lisa and Ken, Kyle and Mauricio. Taylor announces that she settled the case and gave up her ring and gags to make it all go away. She fake cries and everyone is happy for her. Kyle is gross, Lisa is a lady, and this dinner is a waste of our time.

The lawyer tells Kyle he saw Kim at a cigar bar and she is surprised.   She says she is worried for Kim and says that their relationship is not better now that Kim is sober.  Well, I doubt Kim is in fact sober, and I’m guessing the real reason Kim is not close to Kyle is because Kyle is a bitch.

Scheana is about to meet with Brandi and it is pathetic.  Scheana is a whore and that she is getting airtime on this show is disgusting.  Brandi is brave, and Lisa is lame.  She is putting Brandi in a horrible position to launch her show and I think it is shameful.  Brandi is a class act.

Scheana starts to cry, Brandi calls her on it and tells her to knock it off.  She does not get to cry because she lost nothing and Brandi lost everything.  I love Brandi.  Scheana is crying and saying she had no idea that Eddie had a wife and kids. Is she serious? What a dumbass.

Scheana is a fame whore who is looking for 15 minutes and if she thinks we believe she did not Google Eddie’s name and see he was married, she is unwell.  Scheana slept with a married man because she wanted to be famous and he already was.  She is a tramp.

Brandi is amazing for putting herself through this bullshit, and so hats off to her.  Scheana will be forgotten in 5 minutes and Brandi has made me want to read her book even more because it will be fascinating.  Brandi leaves with class and Scheana leaves like the skanky whore that she is.

Bravo then seamlessly transitions into their new show Vanderpump Rules.  I am not watching this show because frankly, I am just too old.  Someone on Twitter wrote you need a prescription for Valtrex to watch it.  Google Valtrex and you will see this was the best tweet on Twitter yesterday.

I watched the first episode out of curiosity and I can firmly say, never again.  This is The Hills for a new generation and I not interested.  It is fake, predictable, sleazy, and a waste of time for anyone over the age of 27. I love Lisa but this show makes me question her ability to keep it real.

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