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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Reunion – Sochi Calling!

by Ilana Angel

March 17, 2014 | 11:13 pm

*Tonight's typos are generously sponsored by Merlot.

The commercial’s alone for the 3 part reunion of Beverly Hills have been more entertaining than the entire season. The zingers are non-stop, I cannot wait and am a little annoyed we couldn’t just have all three parts in one night. It is going to be great. By great of course I mean I reserve the right to call it lame at some point over the next 3 weeks, but right now, in the beginning, it is great. I am buckled up and ready.

Andy looks handsome, the women look over-injected and we jump right in. Andy asks what they all thought about the end of the season and everyone agrees it was tough to watch. Lisa says she cried over it and I am laughing because there are never any tears, so it is not really crying. We begin with the feud between Lisa and Brandi. Lisa calls out Brandi for saying she lived in the valley and filing for bankruptcy.

Brandi turns to Kyle as she says she learned it from her. Kyle denies it, Brandi says she searched it online, and I think that is mean. Why search it at all if not to embarrass Lisa on purpose? Brandi says Lisa made fun of her for living in the valley but Lisa points out it was a joke, just like Brandi saying she was going to sleep with Ken. Brandi informs us only she can determine what is funny and when it is funny.

It would appear they have no idea why they are fighting and grasp at straws trying to remember. Brandi looks gorgeous and Lisa’s lips looks ridiculous. Andy brings in Yolanda who tells us she had 5% brain function for 18 months. Really? While she was mentally unwellt she was able to determine who her friends were and separate them into two categories? Lisa can’t defend herself against Yolanda's accusations.

Lisa apparently did not visit Yolanda for 18 months because she was pissed off about Yolanda’s reaction to her bailing on the painting party for Gigi. Lisa is self-centered and without the camera I guess she can’t be bothered. She’s fancy like that. Andy changes the subject to Kim. Really? What can she possibly have to talk about? Her dog? Her “sobriety”? Her kids leaving? I love her but she is simply not good television.

Andy asks Kyle about her sister and I am zoning out. Kyle is horrible to her sister and thrives on her not being well so this “love my sister” crap is not believable at all. In the battle of the sisters I am Team Kim. Lisa gets called out for making fun of Kim praying in Palm Springs next to a trashcan. Kim asks if it is better to see her pass out drunk or pray? Brilliant comeback. Kim handles it beautifully and Lisa is unkind.

Are we seriously spending 5 minutes talking about Kim's dog? Dear Lord. Yolanda says she and Kim are now fine and also points out these women don’t see each other without the cameras rolling. They hate each other, use each other, and have no real affection for each other. That is dark TV, not good TV. Kim says the show has been great for her and helped keep her sober. Oy vey. I'm done commenting on Kim.

Time to talk about Joyce. Ugh. Brandi explains she liked Joyce in the beginning, until she took the intel she gave her on Lisa and manipulated it. Joyce calls Brandi a liar. Brandi calls Joyce a liar. Brandi won’t let Joyce speak and Joyce won’t back down. Andy talks about Brandi making fun of Joyce’s husband and it gets gross. Joyce is ridiculous and she not only ruins the show for fans, but turns fans against each other.

The picking of teams on housewives shows is expected. but these women make it ugly. Sidebar: Joyce says Brandi was kissing a short, fat, ugly man. Brandi says it was her “gaygent”. I would like to clarify that the unfortunate pictures of Brandi are not with her agent. He is not short, fat, or ugly. He is my friend. Shame on Joyce for even bringing the pictures up and shame on Brandi for not clarifying.

They talk over each other and Brandi points out Joyce is wearing an ice skating dress and Sochi is calling. Best line of the night. That is hilarious and Joyce’s pageant dress is hideous. Joyce is hideous. Brandi apologizes for what she said about black people in the pool, and I honestly don’t know why this is still being talked about. Jump to Joyce talking about how proud she is of Ahnold’s big and beautiful penis. Ugh. 

Brandi talks about Lisa and feels she was different on camera and they were not real friends. She points out the difference between Yolanda and Lisa correcting her is Yolanda was the same on and off the camera. Interesting. By interesting of course I mean not at all interesting. Andy asks Joyce why she wrote an unkind blog about Yolanda and Joyce says she was paying her back for Palm Springs. Such maturity.

Seriously? Joyce is a miserable fame whore with no personality or charm. Important to note her beauty pageant is this week and she has hired Scheana from Vanderpump Rules to sing. Translation: Scheana is a dumb whore and Joyce is using her. Why? Because stupid whores like to use each other I guess. Joyce talks over everyone and Yolanda shuts her up, for just a second. Kyle then jumps in on the separation of teams.

Kyle gives me a headache and it is impossible to look at her and not laugh at her duck lips. Lisa is being accused of a lot of things and denying everything. They are talking about Lisa’s fake faint on DWTS and while I don’t think she faked it, I do think she wanted off the show. Not because she was tired, but because she knew she would never win and was embarrassed by how few votes she was getting.

Andy points out Lisa always says she is joking about stuff, yet gets upset when others joke. He wants to know if she can dish it out but not take it, and she does not want to answer. I will answer for her, she cannot take what she gives and for her to blame it all on being British and having a different sense of humor is bullshit. She is funny to be sure, but she is also easy to make fun of others but take offense herself. Bravo Andy.

In the end the commercials were better than the reunion. Andy did a great job and the girls held their own, but the only thing we learned was they don’t like each other, as well as getting even further proof Joyce is a moron. We have 2 more weeks of this and so one can hope we will get some answers about how the friendships fell apart, but that is going to require the ladies to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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