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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Recap

by Ilana Angel

December 30, 2013 | 6:37 pm

Typos are provided by Jose Cuervo.

Last week ended with Jacqueline and her husband Ah-nold saying that Brandi was wasted and needed an intervention. Since Jacqueline came on the show all she has done is use the bashing of Brandi as her storyline. It is all she talks about both on the show and in the press. Maybe if Yoyce spent some time washing her hair instead of trying to convince us Brandi is a racist she would be happier, and perhaps interesting.

Important to note I am aware people will say I don’t like Joyce because I like Brandi. Those people are dumb. Bless their hearts. The fact is I think what Brandi said about black people was stereotyping, not racist. Does Brandi enjoy her wine when at dinner or in social settings? Yes. Does she need an intervention? I don’t think so.

Joyce has been writing me private messages on Twitter. She sends me blessings and wished me a Merry Christmas after I tweeted I was Jewish and did not celebrate Christmas. She asked why I hate her, then told me I was funny. I have invited her to do an interview for this blog, or come on my BiteSizeTV show, but she hasn’t responded. In the end she maynot built for reality TV.

Back to the show, for the life of me I cannot understand why Carlton would go lingerie shopping with her husband and his mother. It is strange. Carlton’s husband David looks like a Jew, but is apparently not Jewish. Not important really, I just thought he was a Jew. Oh. My. God. Jacqueline is going to call me a racist for thinking David was a Jew! Dear Lord. Joyce is going to get me.

Seeing David talk to the camera with his cross and accent, he now feels more Jersey Shore than Jewish. Yoyce can now say I am a racist who stereotypes both Jews and Italians. Have fun with that pageant girl. Over to Yolanda, she is getting ready for a date with her husband and has a pimple. I like her relationship with her husband and think it is great she is talking zits on camera.

She is with her daughter Bella, who looks a little bit like Jennifer Lawrence. It is Yolanda 7th wedding anniversary and they are going to dinner. Yolanda reaches out to Brandi for zit help and Brandi tells her to put Visine on it to remove the redness. Who knew? I tried it and it actually worked. Zits at this age are lame. Yolanda is cute and it is wonderful she is feeling better.

Lisa and Ken are having a conversation about Brandi and how Lisa is being a nag. Lisa says Brandi has problems because she is single. These women have no idea how hard it is to raise a child alone with a sociopath tweeting about your kids every two seconds. Lisa is planning a dinner with Brandi and Jacqueline and assorted other fame whores so they can kiss and make up.

Time for Kim, who is with her son, and talking about her dog. I can’t. I just cannot write about her dog. This storyline is pathetic. Her son seems sweet, but his earring looks ridiculous. Back to Yolanda, she is having dinner with David. I am unclear why she met him there. It is their anniversary and they drove seperate? He then orders dinner for himself, but not for her. 

David reads the card he wrote her and it is beautiful.  I am not sure how it is they are the only ones on the patio at Nobu. It must 8 am because that is not happening. Yolanda gives David a book of sexy photos of herself.  Yolanda says a psychic told her she would not find true love until her 40’s which sad since she married and had kids with someone else.

Was her other husband not the love of her life at that time of her life? I think it is disrespectful to her children. We are now with Kyle and I’m bored after she is on for less than a minute. Queen of Dirty Hair arrives with some pageant winner, along with Brandi and her friends Jen and Etirsa. It’s a fashion show and everyone is there to get fitted so they can model for Kyle.

Sidebar: When Jacqueline tells the sales person at Kyle's that you can't be too thin and they cut to Brandi and she does nothing but just take deep breaths, I thought it was hilarious. I would love to know what tthey were asking her about that her reaction was simply her facial movement not words. It truly was funny. Go back and watch it if you don't remember.

The girls try on clothes and Yoyce is super tiny. If the camera adds 10 pounds then this chick needs a sandwich. She is very pretty but I can’t past her not washing her hair. It actually bothers me and if we had smellvision TV we’d all be grossed out. Sidebar: Kim is now on a racetrack and I am not listening. I love her, grew up with her, think she is lovely, kind, and not good TV.

Time for dinner at SUR. The crossover show with Vanderpump Rules is stupid. Martin is there first, how convenient, and Lisa tells him to help smooth things over between Joyce and Brandi. She has also invited Mohamed, Yolanda’s ex-husband, who knows Joyce. This is going to be a crap fest. No good can come of this dinner and unless Lisa is a hurtful bitch, this is scripted drama.

Carlton is with her inappropriate Nanny in the sex room. She is kinky, open about exactly how kinky she is, and this is a strange storyline for a woman with two daughters who will one day watch. Fascinating choices these mothers make. If I were Carlton I would not show my sex room, if I were Brandi I would not drink on camera, if I were Joyce I would wash my hair. 

Brandi arrives to the dinner and is still in a funk about losing her dog. Lisa tells her to not call Joyce Jacqueline and Brandi promises to try. Yolanda arrives, once again without her husband because apparently he only attends parties at his own house. Mohamed arrives with his fiancé Shiva, who is gorgeous, and a different girl from last season. I don’t get his hair. Just don’t get it.

Martin is talking to Brandi and telling her Yoyce is lovely. Brandi tells him about Yoyce’s need to one up everyone and Martin is now in the loop of how things will go down. Ah-nold and Jacqueline arrive and they say hello to everyone but Brandi. Joyce says something about Brandi being chopped liver. Inappropriate use of a Jewish saying, She must hate Jews. What a racist. 

Katie from Vanderpunp Rules calls the sea bass sea bus. She is dumb. Everyone is ordering but changing how the menu has it, which is annoying. Mohamed is lovely and tries to start a conversation. He asks how Jacqueline is doing with all the lovely ladies, pointing out how fabulous Lisa is. She says she is just getting to know them and it has just been so-so. 

Ah-nold says they are not an easy group. Brandi says the men in the group are simple creatures and avoid drama. Ah-nold says if someone has a problem with his wife, they have a problem with him. They went there to fight and it is obvious. Yolanda steps in and says the men need to leave the women’s issues to the women and he responds he is not that kind of guy.

Brandi reaches out to Jacqueline and tries to have a conversation, pointing out they have mutual friends. Yoyce says they only know one person in common. Yoyce is cold so Brandi lashes out saying people don’t speak highly of her. Lisa tries to change the subject but it is too late. Brandi tells Yoyce why she is mad, Yoyce fires back that Brandi is a racist bully. Brandi calls her stupid.

Yoyce won't allow Brandi to be a racist. Really? Are you her mom? Mohamed points out Brandi is not being racist, Brandi mentions she has black friends, Jacqueline says Brandi brought a black friend to Kyle’s so she would not look like a racist. F bombs are flying a mile a minute and it is getting ugly. Yoyce is a bitch, Ah-nold is an idiot, and Brandi needs to stop talking.

Lisa defends Brandi saying she is responding to what Yoyce says, and everyone seems to get what Brandi is saying except for Jacqueline. Brandi explains what her issues are but her words are falling on deaf ears. Jacqueline is using Brandi as her storyline and pushing a racist agenda. The truth is this is embarrassing. Brandi is ready to fight with both Yoyce and her husband.

Yoyce wants us to think she understands the plight of the black woman and I want to pull her hair. It’s so greasy I wouldn’t be able to hang onto it. Brandi points out her ex-husband is a Cuban, and her kids are half Cuban, therefore as black as Yoyce. This fight is stupid and in the end not entertaining. I get why everyone is upset but they brought this on themselves and need to stop.

Ah-nold brings up the “dream team” from Yolanda’s dinner and Yolanda explains it is not about him. Interesting that throughout the entire fight Ah-nold keeps eating. Jacqueline is ready to fight the entire dream team. This is going to be her storyline? Fighting with everyone? The moral/ethic/racist police? Brandi tells Yoyce to go F herself and Ah-nold is mad. Oy vey.

Next week there will be more of this pathetic dinner. Brandi will cry and Yoyce will say she is crying because she hates black people. We will see the fashion show at Kyle’s, Yolanda will talk with Brandi about her behavior and Lisa will talk with Yoyce about her attitude. It will berepetitive and boring, but still fascinating to watch even is nobody is keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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