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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Puerto Rico Round One

by Ilana Angel

February 24, 2014 | 6:40 pm

Oy Vey! This is going to be bad. Chicks will cry, bitches will throw daggers, and we will have a front row seat as this show implodes. These group trips are never a good idea. I have poured my wine and am settled in and ready to go. Translation: I had a glass before the show even started. Everyone is pretending to pack at the same time.

Joyce’s dad died but she is continuing with the trip. When my dad died I stuck to my kid like glue, but she has opted to leave her kids and go to Puerto Rico. To each their own. May he Rest in Peace. Lisa does not seem excited, Kim seems a little loopy, and Kyle wants us to think she shares bikinis with her teenage daughters. Bless her.

They arrive in San Juan and after15 seconds I want to go. It is beautiful. At the airport there is 1 paparazzi and Joyce says it is for her since she was Ms. Puerto Rico 100 years ago. Okay. Mauricio speaks Spanish and it is sexy. Lisa gets a room with a view of the pool while Brandi gets a room with an ocean view. Interesting.

I thought Joyce would give Lisa something nicer and put Brandi in the basement. Speaking of Brandi, she is with Yolanda gossiping about Lisa and she is ready to blow. She is stressed out about Lisa and is ready to pick a fight. We only see a little part of what goes on and so we have to assume a lot. I assume Brandi is about to behave badly.

Brandi is getting Yolanda riled up about Lisa and Yolanda wants to approach Lisa and ask her what the hell is going on. Really? Yolanda was pissed off when Lisa wanted to air the dirty laundry at Gigi’s party, but has no problem crapping all over Joyce’s trip. We learn Joyce is spending the day with her mother, which is very nice.

Kim speaking Spanish is hilarious. Everyone heads to some island for the day as Joyce goes to visit her family. This show is going to boost tourism to Puerto Rico. It is spectacular. Everyone grabs a drink and Brandi opts to go booze free in anticipation of her chat with Lisa. Yolanda and Brandi approach Lisa for the attack. Here we go.

The men conveniently go to toss a football and Yolanda takes Lisa off to the side and starts to talk to her about Brandi’s feelings. How old are these women? Yolanda is doing Brandi’s dirty work, which makes her unattractive. To clarify: I think Lisa is going to proved the bad one, but they're not going about this the right way. Attacks won’t work.

Lisa tries to leave, Kyle joins, Brandi tells Lisa she is pulling away from her and being friends with Kyle. Lisa denies, Kyle is silent, Lisa cries, Brandi is frustrated, Yolanda sticks her nose where it does not belong, Lisa tells Ken she wants to leave while Kyle and Brandi insist they are not mean girls. Oh. My. God. Grow up little girls. Enough.

Brandi tells Kyle Lisa was stirring trouble about the infidelity rumors in her marriage. Kyle is pissed, Brandi has planted a lot of seeds. Kim chimes in and now everyone is against Lisa. Lisa is watching the hens cackle about her and it is sad. Yolanda goes to Lisa, Ken supports his wife, Yolanda storms off and Kyle asks Lisa about the gossip.

Lisa denies any wrongdoing. At some point these women need to choose to do things away from the camera. In my opinion, no amount of money is worth acting this way. I get the need for drama, but this is being hurtful for no reason other than to embarrass and humiliate someone you say is a friend. It is shameful and unnecessary.

Over to Joyce, her mother is beautiful. Her little niece is there and I don’t get why she didn’t take her kids to see her mom and their cousin. Joyce cries when she speaks of her mother, as do I, and so I like her for a minute. It will pass. Back to the beach, Kim tells Mauricio about Lisa bringing the tabloids to Palm Springs and he is pissed.

Mauricio makes it about him and Kim reminds him it was hurtful to his whole family, not just him. I think he probably cheated. Whatever. Lisa denies it to Ken and Brandi. She says Brandi has fought with everyone else and it now must be her turn. Kyle and Mauricio are asking Lisa if she packed the tabloids, she denies it, and Mauricio storms off.

He is selfis which makes him look guilty. Kyle is upset, Lisa comforts her, Ken is defending his wife, Mauricio does not know what to believe. Ken says they need to call out Brandi, but Lisa wants to let it go. The reality is that we will never know the truth, viewers will side with favorites, people will be attacked and the truth will stay hidden.

These women are paid to point fingers at each other and pretend to be friends. At dinner everyone is together and tension is high. Brandi is upset about what happened on the beach. Not buying it. It was all a little strategic to me. On the bus Brandi wants to talk to Lisa about Scheana, which Lisa thinks is a non-issue. Dear Lord.

I think if Lisa had any true affection for Brandi she would not bring Scheana around Brandi. Period. Lisa says she is not friends with Scheana and Brandi tells her to take a lie detector test. Brandi wants to know why Lisa invited Scheana to DWTS. Lisa denies but Brandi calls her a liar. Any chance of these two being friends is now gone.

They get to dinner and Lisa goes straight to Brandi and tells her she loves her, is on her side, and did not know who Scheana was in the beginning. Brandi tells her she loves her too, which is weird because this whole trip is about Brandi exposing Lisa.  Yolanda is looking for the fight to continue and Kyle decides to ruin dinner by bringing up the tabloids.

Kyle tells Lisa what Brandi said. Lisa denies and Brandi calls her out for lying. Ken is pissed and wants to shut it down but Yolanda asks Ken why he is involved, he calls her stupid. Kyle and Brandi are yelling questions at Lisa but she stays calm. Ken wants Kim to let Brandi answer, Kim tells Ken he is a stupid old man. It is a clusterfuck.

Kim is mad Ken and Lisa blew off her daughter’s graduation. What? There are so many hurt feelings nobody remembers why they are fighting. I don’t get it and don’t think it is entertaining. Since it is my job to have an opinion, based ONLY on what we are being shown, I am Team Lisa but reserve the right to change my mind. Lisa and Ken bail.

Kyle is pouting, but still eating. Lisa and Ken are done, Mauricio wants to know who his friends are, and Ah-nold is talking but nobody listens. At the hotel Lisa is crying, upset to have lost Brandi when she defended her, and they are both smoking which is sad. The cameras are rolling so we have no idea who is actually keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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