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Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills –  Pigs Marry Pigs

by Ilana Angel

January 14, 2013 | 7:20 pm

We pick up this week with the end of Brandi’s meeting with the whore who slept with her husband.  By whore of course I mean the skank who knew exactly who she was banging in the hopes of getting fame for herself. Scheana is a liar and a bitch and Brandi is amazing for not smacking this stupid little girl in the head.  Brandi is one ballsy and classy lady.

Brandi talks to Lisa and you see their genuine friendship.  To hear Brandi talk about how she thought her marriage was okay is crushing.  Bravo to her for sharing it all and putting it out there.  She has stories to tell and I’m looking forward to her book.  In the end no matter what you look like, heartbreak is painful and all women’s hearts break in the same way.

Over to Yolanda’s, she has a visitor in Kyle.  I have decided that Kyle is evil and truly a horrible person.  By decided of course I mean we have known it from the very beginning.  Yolanda is talking about how she has been blown off by Kim a few times, and Kyle buys right into it and jumps at the opportunity to throw her sister under the bus.  Kyle is an idiot.

Yolanda feels strongly a 10 day master cleanse will change everything about Kim’s life.  I am laughing.  Yolanda is a ditz.  Over to Kim, she is visiting with her life coach.  He looks like he may live in a van down by the river, but God bless her and him.  She should not be anywhere near this show, but here she is, and doing what she can to stay healthy, so good for her.

Kim says she misses her sister and I am falling in love with life coach Gary. He tells her to call out Kyle on her crap.  Kim needs to man up and tell her manipulative sister to butt out, stop being so mean, and when she has a free minute from looking at herself in the mirror, or selling her soul to the devil, give her the money back from the house she stole.

We are now at Villa Blanca with Lisa, which we flash over to Ken who is having a gorgeous swing put in their yard with pink flowers and a special chair for Jiggy.  I love Ken.  Back with Lisa she is plugging her restaurant.  The entire scene is just to get people to her restaurant and that is a shame.  Ken and Jiggy are divine.  He surprises her with the swing.

Lisa tears up and giggles like a little girl.  It is truly a beautiful moment. They are going to celebrate their 30th wedding anniversary by renewing their vows.  They kiss and she wants to be pushed on the swing again.  I love Lisa. I love her husband, her house, her dog, and her cleaning lady.  I want to be like her, look like her, and celebrate 30 years with my Englishman.

Kyle is off for dinner with new friend Marisa.  I like the new chick but she is friends with Kyle so there must be something wrong with her.  Kyle is talking smack about Kim, and making lame phone calls to the girls.  The Zanuck home is a little underwhelming from the outside.  Whatever.  Turns out “good friend” Marisa has never met Kim.  Kyle makes me sick.

Brandi arrives and lets the ladies know Adrienne and Paul are suing her to keep her quiet from talking about them.  Adrienne is a tool.  Lisa and Ken arrive, Yolanda arrives alone, Camille comes alone, husband killer is alone, and miraculously Kim comes, also alone.  Mauricio arrives, then Marisa’s husband Dean, and her brother Paul.  It is a full and scripted house.

Kim tells Yolanda she can’t do the master cleanse because she in recovery and it won’t be healthy for her. Kyle implies Kim is a flake and Yolanda should not expect too much from her.  Dear Lord.  This chick has nothing to talk about other than her sister and if I were Kim, sitting at home watching this show, I would cut Kyle out of her life completely.

Kim decides to get deep with Kyle at the group dinner and Kyle manages to make it all about her.  Kyle is fake crying and says she is not convinced Kim will stay sober, and while I get it, she is just so mean in how she says it.  Kim is reaching out to her sister and her sister is crapping all over her.  Kim is sweet and Kyle is sour.   Not digging this scene.

Yolanda says David is at home working with Babs and Kyle name drops like she is on the same level.  Oh. My. God.  I want Kyle to shut the hell up. Taylor is crying about how dating is like cheating on her dead husband. Important to note that she killed hum, but still, there is guilt for dating because she loved him. Hated him, but loved him too.  Dumbass.

Talk turns to Adrienne and her bullying Brandi with money.  There are a lot of conversations going on and the scene is shot badly.  Mauricio gets into the conversation and Kyle says she is going to stay out of it.   Such a lying hag. Taylor is standing up for Brandi, Kim is pushing Taylor’s buttons, and Mauricio is saying Brandi needs to call Adrienne and apologize.

I am digging Camille and for the first time, Taylor.  God help me. I like Taylor.   It will pass but I must tell you I’m very disappointed in myself.  Ken is defending Brandi, and Mauricio will not let it go.  Brandi loses it and tells Mauricio to go F himself, which inspired me to give her a round of applause and a standing ovation from my couch, and so it ends.

Sidebar:  Mauricio was lovely to Lisa and Ken when they were selling their house.  He got the gig and made a small fortune.  I imagine his desire to support Adrienne and hurt Brandi is in order to get their house listing and pocket some more cash.  His support of them will last until someone else has a listing.  Mauricio is a pig, which makes sense because he married a pig. 

These ladies are predictable, but still so much fun to blog.  I am a fan of Lisa and Brandi, think Kim and Yolanda should be let go, am over Camille, have no use for Taylor, and want Kyle to be publically humiliated so she slinks off with her tail between her legs.  Oh the joys of blogging about Beverly Hills. I will be back next week, with a bottle of wine, keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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