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Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of BH: Much Ado About Nothing

by Ilana Angel

December 10, 2013 | 8:55 am

We start this week with Brandi who is with some girlfriends talking about sex for her new book. It is racy, over the top, and not really my cup of tea. I love ballsy women who are unafraid of their sexuality, but this is silly to me and edited in a way that makes Brandi look like a freak, which I think is unfortunate. I’m not interested in the scene nor do I like being choked. Ugh. 

The ladies are off to Palm Springs as a scripted way for Joyce to get some camera time. The truth is the show has been on for weeks and Joyce is giving us nothing, so this is more about Joyce than a bonding weekend for women who clearly don’t like each other. No good can come of this, but we are addicts, so we watch.

Everyone is shopping and packing for the trip. Joyce is in her closet with a friend and a stylist. She talks about how she loves shopping and styling her own outfits, yet she has a stylist. My first impression is that she is pretentious and a liar.  She talks about how she hates to leave her kids, which we will come back to later because I have something to say about that.

We jump to Kim who is shopping with her daughter and I am sorry to say that there is nothing interesting about her. She is sweet and I like her, but there is no story here, has not been for a while, and I don’t get why she is still on the show. I think it is bad for her, bad for her “sobriety”, and between her kids and her dog I am bored. Bless her. I wish her well.

Off to Kyle, she is shopping with Carlton, which is ridiculous. These two would never shop together. Some salesperson is licking Kyle’s ass about how great her ass looks and it is lame. Carlton calls out Kyle for being rude to her and Kyle blows it all off with excuses, pretending to be mortified she hurt her. Kyle is a manipulative, vindictive, lying, simple, mean girl.

Joyce picks up Kim and Kyle as they are going to Palm Springs in one car. The Richards sisters look like munchkins next to Joyce.  Brandi and Yolanda are going in one car, and Lisa and Carlton are going in another car. Really? They should have all gone in one car but couldn’t because they all hate each other and fighting for camera time, would have been confusing.

The three separate car rides are a waste of time and offensive to the intelligence of the viewers. They arrive in Palm Springs to shoot their commercial for Colony 29 and I am laughing at the obvious suck up for a free weekend. There are 4 bedrooms in the main house, and 7 women, so it is going to be a mean girl bed hunt which is embarrassing to all women.

Kyle, Kim, and Joyce are in the main house and the others will have to fend for themselves in the maid’s quarters. Lisa incorrectly assumes she arrived first and is then disappointed to learn she ddi not. Sidebar: Kyle has gorgeous hair, unless she is standing next to Joyce. Then she has flat, greasy, boring hair. That must seriously piss her off. I can’t stand Kyle.

Sidebar: The commercial with Kyle and Mauricio for Jeep makes me want to impale myself with my remote control. It is 120 degrees in Palm Springs so the ladies are off to the pool. I have never understood high heels at a pool, but here they all come in ridiculous shoes and bathing suits. They all have long hair but nobody has put their hair up off their neck.

Brandi keeps calling Joyce Jacqueline because Joyce does not look like a Joyce because it is a Grandma’s name. It is pissing Joyce off and things are going to get ugly quick. The first round of drinks has been served and it is on. Nobody wants to get in the pool and I am laughing at these women. It is 120 degrees but they are all uptight about showing their bodies.

Brandi and Carlton finally go in the water. Carlton has a F-You tattoo which I LOVE. She also has a Wicca Star tattoo on her foot, which becomes a topic of conversation. Lisa and Yolanda are asking respectful questions, while the Richards morons and Joyce sit in judgment of things they do not understand. Then Joyce shows us what a complete dumbass she is.

Joyce says she has a God that is more powerful than any witch in the world and calls Carlton silly. This is why we have wars and are ruled by hate. Ignorance. Faith matters and whatever your beliefs are, it does not change the strength of your faith. Joyce is a bitch. Know it. She is very concerned with how she looks and not at all concerned with what she says.

Brandi is talking about her kiss with Carlton and I’m bored. Joyce refuses to go in the pool and for some reason it pisses everyone off. There is serious nudging to get her in the water and Yolanda thinks she cannot go in until the hostess does. So stupid. Joyce does not want to get her hair wet and will not go in the water. Oh. My. God. It is boiling hot, get in the pool!

Brandi makes a comment that Joyce won’t go in the pool because she is a black person. She was referring to black women not wanting to get their hair wet and therefore avoid swimming. Joyce is offended as a black woman, because all Puerto Ricans are part black apparently. For the love of God, someone make this train wreck stop. Brandi is not a racist.

Kyle acts as if Brandi has killed someone and Joyce is fit to be tied by the racism. It was not racist and it was not funny. Brandi says stupid stuff all the time, not because she is stupid, or a racist, but because she is unfiltered. When she says silly things she is a target and people go after her. It is a shame and frankly getting old. Don’t like her? Who cares?

I think Joyce is a puppet for Kyle and she is out to talk crap about Brandi on Kyle’s behalf because Kyle blames Brandi for fueling the story about her husband cheating. These women are out of line. Earlier Joyce said she hates to leave her children. Really? Imagine what it is like to have your children leave you for half of their lives as they visit their father.

These women are quick to throw Brandi under the bus and refuse to take her situation into account. Brandi has no choice but to leave her children, sometimes with a psychotic, drunk has been singer, and that is painful. I am sick of these women hating on a woman for things she says, which are not funny, but also not malicious. Brandi is not mean, but these chicks are.

It is time for dinner and Joyce hopes they can all move past the racism. Yolanda is clearly bothered by Joyce’s lack of hostess experience. Two minutes into dinner and Brandi has called Joyce Jacqueline again. Brandi is a little sloshed and Joyce is annoyed that Brandi is mocking her name because she was bullied in school because of her name. For fuck’s sake.

I am sick of these women calling each other bullies. Teasing someone for their name is not bullying. Lisa tries to stick up for Brandi, Kyle tries to stick up for Joyce, Kim makes no sense, Yolanda is not clear why it is being made a big deal, and Brandi is having another drink. This whole thing is much ado about nothing and a silly reason to gang up on Brandi.

The fact is that people either love or hate Brandi and she is an easy target for some of these ladies as they can rally Brandi’s haters to be their supporters. I am sick of it. I think Brandi Glanville is lovely. She is a wild card, loose cannon, unfiltered, shotgun, and really good television. She brings laughter and shock to an otherwise boring group of hags.

By hags of course I mean Kyle Richards. I like these women, I like this show, I like Brandi, I like Carlton, I like Yolanda, and I these bitches need to grow up and realize that we are watching now, but that does not mean we will always watch. They are heading into Jersey with all this backstabbing and hate and we will check out faster than they can count to ten.

Important to note that I am not sure all these women can count to ten so we may be watching longer than we think, but the point is that Bravo better be careful how they edit this show because we are an unforgiving audience and much smarter and more sophisticated then they give us credit for.  Just when I think it can’t get worse, Joyce is talking about her new show.

She is in some show about Siberia, and nobody cares, except for Kyle, who needs Joyce to gang up on Brandi. Brandi is still calling Joyce Jacqueline, and is now sloshed.  Joyce is trying to be a lady, Kyle is excited to watch Brandi fall, and I want to smack people. Kyle brings up her issue with Yolanda and that they need to talk alone, not in the group. I can’t stand Kyle.

Joyce refers to Yolanda as an ”older lady” and I am now laughing at how stupid this chick is.  Kyle is starting trouble, Kim is zoned out, Lisa is keeping quiet, Brandi is letting loose, Yolanda is standing up for herself, and Carlton is wondering why she bothered to get on the train. Kyle calls Brandi and Yolanda a gang. Kyle needs a kick in her ass.  I’ll do it!

Kyle makes a point of saying there are teams and I seriously want to sit this woman down and explain how a few things work. This woman is immature and silly and the root of a lot of problems on this show. Next week will be more drama and I am in. I am cutting Brandi some slack, grossed out by Joyce, loving Carlton, and waiting for Kyle to start keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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