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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is Finally Over!

by Ilana Angel

March 31, 2014 | 7:18 pm

*Tonight's typos are brought to you by a Bordeaux.

After a boring and ridiculous season of fighting and crying with no tears, we are finally at the end! This is part three of the reunion and it is going to be all about knocking Lisa down a few notches. I love this show. Love it. They are mean, vindictive, fake, and even though they brought in new blood, the season got dark and we were hard pressed to tell the difference between Beverly Hills and New Jersey. I am glad this is finally over and I welcome the women of the OC and pray they give us some laughs. Like all housewife seasons we complain, but can't live without the madness.

We jump right into the situation with Lisa, Brandi, and Scheana. Ugh. Lisa is defending her relationship with Scheana, saying she barely knew Brandi and did not know anything about Scheana. I call bullshit. This entire storyline was stupid and the recap is now stupid. We will never know what people knew or didn’t know. What we do know is that if Lisa were really a friend, she would have supported Brandi in the situation with Scheana. She chose the promotion of Vanderpump Rules over Brandi, which is her choice, but to play dumb now makes no sense. We are smart viewers.

Important to note that if Brandi were as upset as she claims to be, she would not have agreed to shoot the scenes with Scheana. When Lisa asked her to meet with the whore, she should have told her to go screw herself. Brandi is upset with Lisa for interacting with Scheana, but she is doing it herself, so it is a little confusing. I happen to think Scheana is a moron, Lisa is a liar, and Brandi set herself up to he hurt on this one. Time for Kyle to jump in to make it all about her and take over the conversation, which is expected since she has been without the camera on her for too long.

Brandi says she and Lisa had daily long chats on the phone, Lisa says they didn’t, Kyle says they did too, and the attack of Lisa is on. Kyle is backing up everything Brandi says, pointing out that Lisa is a friend with whoever is popular at the time. It is hard to know if these are original thoughts of Kyle or her simply jumping on the bandwagon. She’s not very bright so while I’m not sure she can have an original thought, stranger things have happened. In fairness, Kyle is articulate, speaking clearly, and she looks beautiful. Oh. My. God. I might like Kyle at this moment. Clearly too much wine.

Kyle is unloading years of tension on Lisa and Lisa is stumbling. Kyle is holding strong and Lisa is drowning. Kyle calls out Lisa’s lies and I can hardly hear anything because I am obsessing over Lisa’s lip enhancement. I keep expecting her to quack at Kyle. Lisa is grabbing at straws about some sex tape and it is so silly. Kyle is begging Lisa to say sorry and mean it, but Lisa just can’t do it. She gives an apology with one hand and takes it away with the other. There is a lot of screaming. Carlton is trying to talk but we never cared about her opinion and won’t start now. Bless her for trying.

Brandi says Lisa has been a good and bad friend, then Lisa says Brandi has gotten everyone to gang up on her. Exactly how old are these women? Joyce is mumbling to herself and I want to smack her. Yolanda is trying to keep control where Andy can’t. Seriously, Joyce and Carlton should not have been invited to the reunion and I feel if they weren’t there fences may have been mended. Andy jumps in and reminds Lisa and Kyle they have a long-standing friendship and they acknowledge it, but Lisa does not get it. She is guilty of not being a good friend and knows it. Sad to watch.

Andy is now stepping in and doing his job, finally, because he is good at it when he actually does it. Andy wants to move on from Kyle and Lisa and go to Brandi and Lisa. Brandi does not want to be friends with someone who is friends with Scheana. Lisa says she cast Scheana on Vanderpump Rules before she knew Brandi. Then Brandi says she feels like she is being cheated on all over again with the same woman and starts to cry. It is a powerful statement and makes me sad, but Lisa still doesn't get it. For such a successful businesswoman she isn't that bright. Poor thing.

Andy tries to dumb it down for Lisa and she still does not get why Brandi is so hurt. Brandi is raw and honest and Lisa is blowing it off. Andy is brilliant here. Lisa fake apologizes and it is pathetic. Andy explains to Lisa she needs to pick a side and Lisa is begging me to punch her in the throat. Lisa is clearly saying her show is more important than her friendship with Brandi. I want you all to know this is a defining moment in my relationship with Andy Cohen. When he tells Lisa as the Executive Producer of Vanderpump Rules she doesn't need to film with Scheana, I truly fell in love with him.

Brandi apologizes for the Puerto Rico trip and Lisa is clueless. Dear Lord. What is wrong with her?  They have beaten this horse to death and I’m over it. Time for the men to join in. Oy vey.  Ah-nold looks great, David Foster is a no show, as is Carlton’s husband. We see a montage of the husbands sticking their noses where they don’t belong. The focus is the ignorance of Ken and it feels like there is an agenda. He was defending his wife, which is what we want a man to do. This is not just about attacking Lisa, but also Ken. I get it, but it does not seem kosher to me.

Kyle and Mauricio say they are stronger and he never cheated. Okay. Michael talks about the alleged hex of Carlton and he says being wiccan is positive, but Carlton is not. He’s not very nice and says he had his house blessed to ward off the evil of Carlton. Dear Lord. Carlton and Joyce need to go. They talk about the cheating again and I’m bored. There is no need for us to hear from these men. It is not their show. Ken says he can’t let Brandi back in his life, Brandi cries, he says maybe he can. I hope Lisa and Brandi fix this mess. Maybe watching the reunion will make it all click.

That’s a wrap on another season kids. It has been exhausting and I am left thinking Joyce is a twat, Carlton is lame, Yolanda is a fighter, Kim is harmless and if she needs the job they should bring her back. Kyle is yucky, Brandi is fragile, and Lisa needs to learn how to make tears come if she wants us to believe she is really crying. I complain about this show but I watch and will miss them while they are gone. I hope Lisa and Brandi both come back. Friendships are hard and women are emotional, but these two ladies have love and the heartache is what keeps it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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