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Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Finale Recap

by Ilana Angel

March 10, 2014 | 8:03 pm

Tonight's typos are generously sponsored by Merlot.

It has been a dark season. Not since New Jersey have we wanted to look away so badly. There is constant fighting, no authentic friendships, and a whole lot of pettiness, and jealousy. We love them, we hate them, we want to be them, we want to accidentally shove them down the stairs. At the end of the day we are hooked on them like cheap drugs and as much as we complain, we will miss them when they go.

The finale will be predictable, but it is the reunion we suffer through the entire season to get to. We start this final episode at The Beverly Hilton for a party celebrating the 100th birthday of Beverly Hills. Carlton arrives first, followed by Yolanda, Joyce and Kim. Kyle and Mauricio pick up Brandi and her date Drew, which makes no sense because Brandi is not on the way so it’s just a scripted opportunity to talk crap about Lisa. 

Lisa and Ken are arriving alone because they currently have the plague. Lisa says she has cried enough and it is a little funny because in all the times we have seen her cry, there has never been a tear. Bless her. Everyone has arrived and Lisa is clearly the odd man out. Kyle says the ugliness in Puerto Rico was Lisa’s fault. Clearly she is high because it was actually Yolanda’s fault with a little nudge from Brandi. Time for wine.

Everyone is saying hello and it is very weird. Lisa apologizes for leaving early and Yolanda calls her out for not telling anyone and going to another hotel, without a word of explanation. Yolanda tries to talk to Ken and he walks away without acknowledging her. Think what you want about Ken, and to be clear calling Yolanda stupid was ignorant, you can't deny he loves his wife and stands up for her as he should.

Maybe if David Foster actually went anywhere with his wife, he could stand up for her instead of simply telling us she is a good housekeeper. Over to Joyce, Lisa apologizes, as does Ken, but Joyce thinks they were rude to leave. Joyce says Kim felt bad for what she said, and Ken throws her shade saying Kim is on another planet, which Lisa insists is not mean. Ken and Lisa are seniors of this group but behave like kids.

Kim apologizes to Ken and he thanks her but also immediately dismisses her. He’s being a little bit of a douche, but also a hero. Carlton and Brandi are talking and about Lisa and Carlton is clearly uncomfortable. Brandi is a little tipsy and so it begins. Important to note that Brandi keeps saying Lisa told her to bring the magazine, but does not mention the cheating. Maybe she wanted poolside reading?

Ahnold is talking to Joyce, Kim, and Kyle and Lisa takes her aside telling her she feels bad about everything, but Kyle can decide who she wants to believe. Ken is watching Lisa like a hawk from across the room while Kyle tries to explain herself. Lisa reminds Kyle that at Carlton’s luncheon she came to her defense when once again Brandi and Lisa were talking about the cheating rumors of Mauricio. I forgot about that actually.

Sidebar: Ramona Singer denied for years that her husband Mario wasn’t cheating and we know how that ended. In the words of William Shakespeare, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks”. Lisa says she doesn’t care anymore what anyone thinks and she is done. She’s not of course, but okay. Kyle keeps talking, Lisa keeps wanting to walk away, and Lisa is being dramatic.  Enough with the I can’t do it anymore.

Does anyone think the amount of people there to celebrate Beverly Hills turning 100 is small? I guess nobody wants to be seen on this show. Kim and Yolanda commiserate about their kids going to college and it is sweet, but I am distracted by Yolanda’s nipple. Brandi goes to Lisa and asks if they can talk alone. It is uncomfortable tow watch. Brandi calls out Lisa for pushing Scheana down her throat. 

Brandi doesn't get why Lisa is friends with Scheana, the woman who slept with her husband for months while she was pregnant. Let’s assume Lisa didn't know who Scheana was. Let’s also assume Scheana was brought onto Vanderpump Rules without Lisa knowing exactly who she was. Assuming both those things, the second Lisa did know, she should have ensured Scheana never came near Brandi. Ever.

Lisa can't call herself a friend when she continues to flaunt Scheana in front of Brandi after she knew who she was. It is mean, hurtful, and self-serving in terms of creating buzz for her own show. That is not friendship, that is being a fame whore. Perhaps Scheana and Lisa have more in common than Brandi and Lisa do.  Lisa says Scheana is not her friend but simply worked for her for over five years.

Lisa then defends Scheana by saying she made a mistake. For the love of God. Lisa is being an idiot and when Brandi tells her they are not really friends, I agree 100%. Lisa knows better and at the end of the day she chose the success of Vanderpump Rules over Brandi. It is just that simple. Sad and pathetic, but simple. Lisa’s lips are too injected and Brandi is now slurring a little bit. Brandi is hurt but Lisa is not getting it.

Lisa is unwilling to acknowledge Scheana is a whore and is offended Brandi dos not feel obligated to her for all she did for her. Mauricio asks Ken to have a chat. Mauricio says he will forgive Ken, but perhaps he needs to redirect his questions to Yolanda and Brandi, not Ken and Lisa. This is like a game of telephone. The story has changed over and over again and the truth is so far gone we will never know it.

Ken and Mauricio talk, then Lisa joins, but then Brandi and Yolanda join which is just stupid. They just decided to not be friends, but here they are again with Brandi and Yolanda ganging up on Lisa. If you don’t want to be friends walk away and stop engaging. The bigger question is why did Brandi buy the magazine to begin with? Ken swears on his life and the wife of his children that Lisa knew nothing of the magazines,

Yolanda tells Ken her husband is better than him, he says they might know that if her husband ever came to anything, he touches her arm, she screams for him to not touch her, Ken calls her stupid, Lisa and Ken walk away, Kyle chases after Lisa. Dear Lord. There is not enough money or notoriety in the world to make this public humiliation worth it. We are laughing at them in the same way we used to covet them. Shame.

And so it ends. Yolanda is moving rom Malibu to Beverly Hills. Carlton leaves with a whimper just as she came in. Joyce has nothing of interest to bring to the finale so one can hope the rumors of Carlton and Joyce not returning are true. Praying.  Kim is another one who should not come back. Bless her. She is a lovely woman but brings nothing to table and her dog is not enough for her to stay.

Lisa leaves with a shout out to her new restaurant PUMP, where she is ordained to perform gay marriages. If that is not a new Bravo show I will be disappointed. I will watch PUMP and have twenty bucks that says it is coming soon. Best part of this show is that when it is all over, they jump ahead six months and give up a preview of the three-part reunion, which starts next week. It will be fun watching them struggle to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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