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Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Crawls Along

by Ilana Angel

November 26, 2012 | 7:17 pm

Joe Pugliese/Bravo © NBC Universal, Inc.

I look forward to this show every week and the opening makes me laugh every single time.  Kyle was not born or raised in Beverly Hills, and Taylor did not work for the 90210 zip code, she killed for it.  These chicks are pathetic and when it comes to reality TV, pathetic is golden, so here we go.

Adrienne and Lisa are having a drink.  Lisa is not into it but giving her a shot because she is a lady.  Adrienne is groveling and being the dumbass that she is.  I still don’t get why Ms. Maloof has still not hired a stylist.  Wait, did she?  If so they studied at the Ray Charles School of Styling and think it's 1985.

Adrienne is talking in circles and saying nothing.  Lisa looks absolutely gorgeous and while she is not interested in a friendship with Adrienne, she is classy enough to accept an olive branch. Adrienne is an idiot.  Watching her makes my lower back hurt.

Kim is over at Yolanda’s, we meet her so, and he is adorable. Yolanda seems like a no bullshit kind of girl and I really like that.  She is pretentious but I guess her lifestyle dictates that a little bit.  They are planning a forced Bravo trip to Ojai and things will aim for the fan.

We see Brandi meeting with her book agent, talking about the book she is writing about her very public and painful divorce.   He comments on how great her boobs are, she responds by saying something about anyone being able to buy the same boobs.  How do you not love Brandi?

Brandi has been to hell and sadly we all got to see it.  She has survived the loss of love and her book will talk about it.  I know Brandi and the perfection of her body borders on offensive, but even though I hate her for being so blessed in the looks department, she is a great broad.

Kyle is taking her daughter to her permit test for the third time.  My kid passed the first time.  Just saying.  Kyle fake cries about her daughter growing up so we can feel sorry for her and forget for a minute that she is a lying, mean bitch.  Third time is a charma nd the kid passes.

Brandi is at a photo shoot for a magazine Lisa is associated with.  She looks spectacular and they are rushing through the shoot to get up to Ojai.  Brandi is not a fan of Adrienne, and has tension with Kim after calling her a crack whore, which all adds up to some great fireworks for all of us.

Kim is excited to invite all the girls on a fake Bravo weekend.  That Bravo hired this woman for another season, and kept in the husband killer, is fascinating to me.   Kim tells the camera she wants to mend fences with Brandi which reminds us she is much nicer than her sister.

Sidebar:  The commercials for Shahs of Sunset talking about “Bringing Persian Back” are fabulous.  I freaking love this show and am excited to have a break from the housewives.  Reza is my favorite and the new chick Lily is going to be good TV.  I am going Persian this weekend.

We’re back with Brandi and Lisa and Brandi is super critical of how she looks, which was charming at first, but now I just want to kick her perfect ass.  The other women are arriving in Ojai.  Everyone ooohs and ahhhs over the place and we get a little tour of where they are staying.

Taylor says she is ready to move in and I’m wondering who she can kill there to move on in.  There are only five bedrooms and three of the rooms have two beds so people are doubling up and everyone is stressed out about who will share.  By everyone of course I mean Vile Kyle.

Brandi and Lisa are on their way and Brandi is stressed out about being with Kim.  Yolanda arrives from DC via private jet and also heads out.  I like Lisa and Brandi together, but they are the only real friendship and the forced interactions are boring and silly to me.

Yolanda arrives to the spa mansion and calls it “cute” which made me laugh.  Dear Lord, she is so freaking rich.  Brandi and Lisa arrive and they kiss which is sweet.  They are trying but it is weird.  Everyone has now arrived and the topic of bed selection come up and Lisa is told she is sharing.

There is no drama so who cares.  They all go to dinner and Brandi is stuck sitting across from Kim.  Kim gives a lovely and heartfelt speech about being happy, Brandi talks bout her ex and his whore, Kyle makes fun of Lisa’s accent, and it is obvious that the editor is learning impaired.

Brandi is being lovely and making small talk with Kim, who is receptive, and tells the camera she might like Brand, which is strange to her. I like Kim and while I don’t think she should be on, it is nice to see her and know that she making money and doing okay.

Brandi and Kim are comparing notes about being single mothers, and home alone, and it is great TV.  Brandi tells Kim she was not judging, has been in her shoes, and tells her she is sorry.  Kim cries and loser Adrienne starts yelling that someone is crying.  Adrienne is a moron and a bitch.

Kim is having a moment with Brandi and Adrienne is out of line, so Brandi tells Adrienne to shut the F up and Taylor says Brandi is toxic.  Really Taylor? Brandi is toxic? Poor Taylor is so dumb she does not know the difference between toxic and real.  Taylor is digusting.

The show ends right after the F bomb, which is a drag.  We have to wait another week for anything good to happen in Ojai, but Bravo knows we are hooked and will complain about it, but come back again.  I will be back next week and imagine I will need some booze to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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