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Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Crap Fest Recap

by Ilana Angel

January 7, 2014 | 8:01 am

Typos are generously sponsored by Grey Goose.

We pick up at the SUR dinner and it is gross.  Joyce and Brandi are fighting and everyone is just sitting there saying nothing. Joyce is calling Brandi a racist, bully, and in need of rehab. Everyone just listens quietly. Brandi has had enough of Joyce being a raging bitch and leaves. Yolanda walks out with her and Lisa, who invited her there, does nothing. Not classy or nice.

Brandi leaves in tears and only Yolanda ensures she is okay. Joyce is nasty and her husband is a fame whore who is sticking his nose where it does not belong. Important to note that the support Joyce gets on social media is from people that don’t like Brandi, not necessarily people that like her. She is using Brandi for a storyline.

I truly think Joyce is a mean spirited girl and I really want her husband to shut up. This is not about you Ah-nold. He is rambling on with an opinion we don’t care about, then Joyce says if God can forgive humanity for killing his son, she can forgive Brandi for being a bitch. Classy. I’m sure God loves that analogy. Joyce is a stupid twat who brings ugliness to the show.

We are five minutes in and I am irritated by how dark it all is, then we jump to Kim getting her dog back and I go from irritated to pissed off. Really Bravo? We are going to watch an entire season of this medicated woman and her dog? Kim is darling but this is not interesting, it is sad. Between Joyce and Kim I am simply not that interested in this crap fest.

Time for a scene with Carlton. They are just not giving us good stuff with her and it is a drag because I think she is probably interesting and fun. We are just not seeing it. She is cleaning with her daughters and her nanny and it is silly. If this is all they have to show us then perhaps she is not a good fit for this show and should be a one season housewife.

Over to Kyle and Joyce, they are going to golf together. Seriously? This is so stupid. Sidebar: Joyce says you can never be too thin but here’s the thing, yes you can. She is painfully thin and it is not cute. She looks like a stick with fake boobs. I’m calling eating disorder on this one. That people find anything appealing about this woman is fascinating to me. She is fake.

The scene goes back and forth between Joyce and Kyle, and Brandi and Yolanda. Yolanda is being a good friend to Brandi, supporting and advising her. Kyle is being a gossiping troll and hanging onto Joyce’s every word so she can figure out if she will get more screen time by supporting her over Brandi. Beverly Hills has officially become New Jersey and it is lame.

Joyce tells Kyle that no man is going to want to be with Brandi because she is too negative. Really? Joyce knows nothing about Brandi and her broad stokes to define this woman are just strange. She came in guns blazing and has made talking shit about Brandi her thing. I hope that Brandi eats her alive at the reunion. That is going to be epic and I can’t wait.

Sidebar: Kyle’s Jeep commercials make me sick. We see Carlton getting a tattoo and again, not that interesting. Her tattoo is beautiful, the symbolism is touching, she looks absolutely gorgeous in her one-on-one interviews and while I really like her, there is nothing going on here. She won’t feed into drama, which is commendable, but sadly not why we watch.

We are now being asked to watch more of the tattoo session. Dear Lord.  Are we seriously also being asked to watch Lisa and Ken shop for their new restaurant, which is clearly a commercial for a new Bravo show, PUMP? I just can’t. Remember when this show was must watch television? They are scraping together things for us to watch now which is weird.

Time to impale ourselves while we get ready for Kyle’s fashion show.  Kyle seriously needs a new spray tan application process because her arms are never even and she misses her underarms, which looks ridiculous. Kyle is stressed out about the event and is flipping her hair around and acting all stressed out. Have a drink and relax Kyle. It’s all scripted for you.

Brandi arrives with her gorgeous model friends, and Joyce arrives with her pageant morons. Brandi is on edge, Joyce is acting like she is in a pageant, and I’m hoping someone trips on the catwalk. By someone of course I mean Joyce. Joyce says she hopes Brandi can act like a lady for once. Joyce does not know Brandi and needs to shut the f**k up. Yup. I said it.

Kyle tells us her 13 year old doesn’t like to be the center of attention, yet is forcing her to be in the televised fashion show, which is mortifying for a child. Kyle is an idiot and just when I think I will fast forward over her, we get a bit of Jamie Lee Curtis, who I love.  Jamie Lee Curtis is a divine human being and I think she is perfection. I know her and love her.

Kyle tells us that the night shoots on the film Halloween were shot at night. Such a genius she is. She tells Ah-nold that she missed the dinner, but fails to mention she was not invited. Kyle and Mauricio give 100K to Children’s Hospital Los Angeles, which is amazing and so impressive I almost didn’t notice how annoying it is when Kyle smacks her lips nonstop.

The fashion show is lame, Joyce is a dumbass, and Lisa is paying both sides of the fence. She is one person to Brandi, and another to Joyce.  We get a scene with Kyle and Carlton, where Carlton says she loves Halloween, but knowing Kyle was in it does not change her opinion of her. THAT is the Carlton I want to see and there is not a lot of time left to show us.

Lisa is visiting with Joyce and showing another face. Joyce is being a bitch and sticking to her agenda. She is unwilling to hear anything about Brandi without comparing herself. Brandi has a headache so Joyce has a brain tumor. Brandi has a stomachache so Joyce has an ulcer. Brandi is  real, Joyce is fake. She is also an idiot that doesn’t know what chastise means.

Dear Lord. Is she going to tell us she is Puerto Rican and therefore unfamiliar with some words because she is a Spanish speaking black woman who does not wash her hair and has no time to learn all the English words?  Next week is more of the same. Time to move on. The only reason to watch is the anticipation of the reunion, where I'm hoping they will keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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