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Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Recap Part 1

by Ilana Angel

April 20, 2014 | 6:05 pm

*Tonight's typos are generously sponsored by Smirnoff.

In all the cities, of all the housewives, I don’t think a reunion has been as anticipated as the one tonight. It is about to go down between Porsha and Kenya and we are all watching, so Bravo better show it to us. The brawl is between two ladies who are not housewives, and do not know how to keep it real, so this should be interesting. By interesting of course I mean they will humiliate themselves, and we cannot wait.

Andy looks good. Nene looks like tummy medicine. Kandi looks pretty. Kenya looks cute but sounds ridiculous. Phaedra looks lovely. Porsha has massive new boobs. Cynthia is boring and invisible. Andy starts right in with Apollo’s legal troubles and corrects Andy by clarifying Apollo wasn’t indicted, only has a complaint against him. She also makes it clear that she is not involved in any of his wrongdoing. Whatever.

NeNe explains that at the end of the season she was dealing with pulmonary embolisms. She is taking blood thinners and everything is fine.  Andy shows a video montage of the ladies twerking and there was no need for that. Cynthia defends her twerking and we are reminded that this woman does not need to be on this show anymore. She brings nothing to the table and it is time for her to go already.

Kenya is talking about how easy it is to get “dick”. She’s so classy. Phaedra is killing Kenya with kindness and making fun under her breath, but that will soon change. The tension is thick and we can feel it. Nene is obviously not thrilled to be there and sees herself above the rest, which frankly she is. I am drinking a vodka and watermelon juice and even though I don’t smoke, I am craving a cigarette from the stress!

We review Kandi’s season. I like Kandi and think Todd looks like Kanye West. We learn there is still no signed pre-nup, and Kandi’s wedding is going to be a Bravo special. Nene is sitting back, but there is a pole up her ass. She has got a bad attitude and it is going to do her no favors when it comes to votes for Dancing With the Stars. Kandi is not digging Nene, and it is time to look at a video of Nene’s season.

Nene is called out by a viewer for acting like a Queen, and calling others out for being late, when she herself is late. Kandi takes the prize for being the person late most often. Nene calls Kandi fat, Kandi says she is no fatter than Nene. Kandi is charming, Nene is a bitch, and I’m getting a headache. Time for a Kenya video montage. We see her in all her glorious madness and like her or not, this chick is good TV. 

Kenya is talking about Velvet and trying really, really hard to cry. It’s not happening. You can sniff all you want but no tears, no crying. Kenya says everyone reached out to her about Velvet, except for Nene. Phaedra says she reached out to help her and she felt bad because she knows Velvet was Kenya’s friend, probably her only friend. Then she slams her again saying Kenya is nobodies Momma. Phaedra is no Southern lady.

Kenya is annoyed, tells her to say something nice or not at all, then finally tells Phaedra to F off. I’d have sad it sooner. Nene says some lame shit about Velvet and she would have been better saying nothing. Andy wants to talk about Kenya’s African Prince. Kenya says he is real, and though he has never been to Atlanta, some of the women have met him. Nobody stands up to corroborate that statement, which is hilarious.

Porsha says there is no Prince and goes on to say Kenya tried to pay someone 15K to act like her boyfriend on the show. Kenya points her scepter at Porsha and Porsha grabs it and throws is on the grown. Kenya then pulls out a bullhorn and starts using that so Porsha won’t talk over he. This is just too funny. Kenya says the man in question is a friend of hers and they knew it was just gossip, but Porsha is not letting it go.

Nene is not sure if she met the Prince, but Kenya insists she did. The truth is she met some guy for 30 seconds, and Kenya wants us to think it was the Prince. Bless her. Kenya says again that Nene is not the only one to have met him, but again, nobody else says they have met him. Part one of the reunion is almost over and we have really learned nothing. Other than Phaedra and Kandi, these women hate each other.

They are done talking about the Prince, but want to talk about Walter. Dear Lord. Kenya is trying to shut it down but Porsha wants to keep talking about it. Kenya says karma has bit Phaedra and Porsha in the ass for laughing at her misfortune, and Porsha insists karma is not at play. She calls out Kenya for playing the victim. Kenya lets us know Porsha is dumb, which we know, and the bullhorn comes back out.

They are talking about karma and Porsha blurts out that Kenya’s vagina is rotten. Oh. My. God.  Kenya says Porsha cheated, they call each other a whore, then Porsha jumps up and attacks Kenya, pulling her hair and throwing her to the ground. Porsha immediately plays victim and starts crying. Kenya is calm, announcing Porsha will now be fired and walks off. Porsha has a nervous breakdown as all the women come to her aid.

Porsha is not upset for what she did, just embarrassed. Some guy called Carlos picks up Porsha and Nene gets hit in the face. Phaedra, Kandi, and Nene are comforting Porsha and telling her Kenya is not worth this stress. I am more focused on Kandi, who is wearing a bra with a dress that is not supposed to be worn with a bra. Then Nene almost gets hit in the face again when Carlos picks up Porsha for the second time.

Andy goes to Kenya and apologizes for what happened and tells her he feels terrible. He then goes to Porsha to ask her what happened. Porsha says she was not ready for the show and the reunion. What a crock of shit. Porsha is a fame whore and she wanted this. She says she has taken crap from Kenya for two years and she blacked out and does not remember hitting Kenya. Andy sends Porsha home. Amen.

We see clips from next week and it is really good. Kandi will confront Mama Joyce, Nene will confront Cynthia. and Phaedra and Kenya will keep going at each other.  I am watching, I am hooked, and I am really hoping that this season marks the end for Porsha and Cynthia. Let’s get some new ladies on this show to freshen it up and maybe if we are lucky, they will find people are able to play fair and keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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