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Real Housewives of Atlanta Reunion Parts 1/2/3

by Ilana Angel

April 21, 2013 | 6:54 pm

Atlanta was not particularly interesting or entertaining this season.  It had its moments of course, but overall without NeNe’s fabulousness, and Kenya’s craziness, these women don’t really have anything to offer.  I watched, and I blogged, so it all led up to this: if they cannot entertain me in three hours of reunion time, I will kiss all their donkey and stallion asses goodbye.

NeNe looks fabulous, Cynthia looks inflated, literally, and we are off.  Kandi says she does not want to say the date of her wedding so nobody steals it. Translation:  She hopes to sell it to Bravo so she can make money.  She is suing Kim Zolciak for Tardy to the Party, but she should be hiding her head in shame that she was a part of it, not asking for more money.  Kandi not trustworthy and all about he money.

Phaedra says her horrific cover up was custom made.  For real?  Was the designer blind?  Phaedra says the body should be celebrated, but mentions nothing of torturing it.  Her poor little boobies are always being pushed into unnatural positions.  She needs to let those babies breathe and if she is so desperate to make them look bigger, just make them bigger.

Sidebar: Not all white people think that all black people look the same. Additionally, there is nobody on the planet that looks like Beyonce.  Phaedra is a hater and the bottom line is that she is jealous her husband hit on Kenya.  For real.  I think it is crappy that only NeNe and Cynthia got in touch with Kenya after her cancer scare. An email would have been nice.

Porsha is so dumb.  Bless her.  Important to note that it speaks volumes NeNe and Kenya got the coveted spots next to Andy.  Kandi and NeNe are going back and forth and it is a waste of time.  Kandi is jealous of NeNe. End of discussion.  NeNe is being called out for tweets about the ladies and I say carry on NeNe.  She keeps it real and they can’t take it.

NeNe mentions cutting to the white meat again and I just don’t get it. White meat is the easiest meet to get to so that cut is not deep.  Shouldn’t it be cut me to the dark meat? Now that would hurt.  We are back on the Miss USA/Miss America debate.  Who cares?  Maturity may not always come with age Porsha, but stupid is just stupid no matter how old you are.

They are talking about Porsha getting mistreated by Kordell, and with her current situation it is sad.  Poor girl.  She got blindsided by her douche of a husband. They are now talking about Kenya’s party.  Lots of recapping but we’ve already seen it.  They are onto Cynthia and she is too boring for me to even listen. She is hanging onto NeNe for dear life.

Porsha calls out Kenya for not knowing the history of her pageant.  Porsha did her homework.  I wonder if someone told her or she read it.  Can she read?  We move onto Kenya, Phaedra, and the workout videos.  Phaedra is not the first person to make a work out video.  I think Phaedra is a jealous and vindictive bitch who operates from a place of hate and jealousy.

They are fighting about who has the better and more popular video.  I will buy mine at the 99 cent store in a coupe of weeks and let you know which one was better. Time to move on from this Andy.  Is anyone else totally distracted by Cynthia’s boobs and Kandi’s eyelashes? We see Kenya’s music video and I am done.  How is it that we two more hours to go?

Kenya is pulling the mental health card and I’m with her on this one.  I think Kenya and NeNe come out the winners on part one as we move onto part two. Just as it ends Kenya says she will knock out Phaedra’s teeth, pregnant or not.  Back in the gutter we go.  Don’t come for me unless I send for you.  Amen. We start week two with Phaedra appearing to be constipated.

Everyone is talking over each other, even Andy.  All these women are wearing an insane amount of makeup.  NeNe talks about Gregg and their getting back together.  I love her, he has won me back too, and I wish them well.  I will be watching her wedding special and cannot wait.  Marlo being a bridesmaid is icing on the wedding cake. I seriously love me some Marlo.

They are going on and on about NeNe flirting with Peter.  Seriously?  They are grabbing at straws.  Cynthia and NeNe are friends, Peter and NeNe are friends, there was nothing there and it is a witch hunt to try to make NeNe look bad.  Not happening.  This entire conversation is stupid. Phaedra calls Kenya an obsessed fan and tells her to shut up. I’m tired.

It is time to recap Phaedra’s season.  She bored the hell out of me all season so I'll skip over it.  Phaedra is a poser and a liar.  Both personally and professionally.  That’s how lawyers roll.  NeNe is calling out Phaedra for getting involved with her family and causing problems.  Phaedra is a snake and was out to hurt NeNe.  Karma is on the look out for Phaedra.

Nene does not understand why Phaedra would want to hurt her in such a deep way, and Phaedra refuses to own up to any of it. Everyone is making their best constipated face and it is hilarious.  Phaedra tried to destroy Phaedra, was caught, and will not make amends.  It was during season one and that NeNe kept is quiet speaks volumes about how classy she is.

Again, Phaedra is a bitch and her apology is ridiculous.  NeNe should have told Phaedra to go to hell, but since she didn’t, hey Phaedra, go to hell.  We are now joined by Kim, who is wearing a hideous dress and her real hair.  I think it is great she came and that everyone appears to be so uncomfortable, is television gold.  Time to recap her housewife departure.

Is anyone interested in why Kim left?  Do we need to hash this out again? She didn’t go on the trip, she left, she has her own show, and that is it.  She is wearing green, but the other ladies are green with envy and are outshining hr greenness. NeNe and Kim were close and their friendship ending is the sad thing here.  I think they will make up so good for them.

Andy is defending the other women being upset, which is lame. Kim does not feel the need to defend herself and I say good for her.  These women are behaving like teenage girls.  It is embarrassing.  The bottom line is that when it comes to the real housewives of Atlanta, Kim is just not that into you.  Stop whining and move on bitches.  We’re all bored.

They are talking about the name Cash and how Kandi wanted it.  Blah, blah, blah.  Kandi is bitter and angry and much to my surprise, I find myself on Team Kim.  I must be drunk.  Kim is done and says goodbye revealing she wishes she had communicated with the ladies better.  NeNe is not sure she will be friends with Kim again, and Kim is melancholy about it.

Kim and NeNe hug it out and it made me cry a little.  Again, the wine.  Kim leaves without saying goodbye to anyone but Andy and NeNe.  Good for her. With that, we are onto part three.  Andy is disappointed the girls did not go after Kim.  Funny. NeNe reads a text Kim send when she left, and her response.  It was lovely, they are lovely, and they will reconnect.

They start off by recapping the season for Kandi.  I could care less about her and don’t think anything about her storyline is interesting.  Not even the sex toys. The witch doctor in South Africa however, is fascinating.  I love that he called it and would like to go see him myself. Kandi is dumping on NeNe for dumping on her ring, which I don’t think she did.

People of God are offended that Kandi believes in God, yet makes sex toys and lives with her boyfriend.  Dear Lord.  Move on people.  They are now reviewing Kenya’s relationship with Walter. I didn’t get Walter and certainly did not get Walter and Kenya.  I am of the belief that Walter is a douchelord and a fame whore, so I feel bad for Kenya.

Why does everyone care about Walter so much?  He is a pig and she is a cast mate.  Not a lot of loyalty happening in the ATL. Today’s lesson:  flirting does not a whore make.  Amen Kenya.  Kenya says she questioned Walter’s sexuality, but did not call him gay.  Does it matter?  They did not have sex, they did not work out, and it is over.  Can we end this now?

Kenya wants us to know she dated Walter for two years without sleeping with him.  Not buying it.  Kenya calls out Phaedra for saying you can’t turn a whore into a housewife in terms of Kenya.  Kenya then calls out Phaedra for banging Apollo right after he got out of prison and got pregnant out of wedlock.  We are finally getting some entertainment.

Phaedra is really horrible and Kenya is really fabulous.  She is fighting back tears.  Wait for it, fight lost and Kenya is now crying.  She is happy and in a good place, but won’t talk about who or what it is.  Andy asks if it is Big Poppa, which is perfection.  It is time for the husbands to join in and for Porsha to lie her ass off.  It is about to get good people.

Kordell is a no show to the reunion.  Translation:  he is filling out his divorce papers. Gregg looks good but I liked his graying hair better.  Todd reminds me of Kanye West.  Peter is a fame whore. Apollo is a whore whore.   They are talking to Todd and I’m checked out.  He is as boring as Kandi.  What do they talk about to each other?  I’m done with Kandi.

Peter says that Kenya and Walter were never in a relationship together. Peter is shady to me and I don’t like him.  Everyone is defending Walter, which is weird to me.   Everyone is trying to trip up Kenya and the attacks make no sense.  Why is nobody on her side?  The men are clearly uncomfortable with anyone close to them calling the gay card.

Peter is trashing Kenya and she sings right over him.  Shut up Peter.  Sing it Kenya!   Apollo says he is not fond of Kenya and she responds by telling him to stop texting her.  Apollo says Kenya was hitting on him nonstop and Kenya is not having it.  Phaedra calls her a whore. Peter sticks his nose in their business, and they have all gotten real trashy, real fast.

Porsha is up next and we are reminded exactly how stupid she is. She is talking about how great she and her husband are doing, meanwhile he has filed for advice.  My heart is breaking for her and it is a shame that after her husband humiliated her, Bravo decided to crap on her too.  She is crying and I am so sad for her.  This is very unfortunate.  Bless her.

She is giving the greatest speech in the history of the Atlanta housewives. I am loving this girl right now.  She joined the show to learn and grow from these women and they broke her down.  Oh. My. God.  I am standing up and applauding this young woman.  I love her, I am seeing her differently, and I want her to find happiness with a real man, not a douche.

Cynthia does not get it and is now surpassed Porsha as the dumbest housewife in Atlanta.  Peter calls out Kordelll for not coming and then Porsha sings.  She is not brilliant, but she can certainly sing.  Bless her.  I’m not sure I can stomach another season.  NeNe ends the show by saying Andy needs to replace one of them.  Count on NeNe to keep it real.

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