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Real Housewives of Atlanta: Mexico Drags On

by Ilana Angel

March 16, 2014 | 6:14 pm

*Tonight's typos are generously sponsored by Jose Cuervo.

We start the week with Kenya doing a commercial for the resort that has donated the trip, even though she wants us to think this is all her. Whatever. She also wants us to think she woke up early and worked out then came to breakfast in full hair and makeup eating only fruit. I love Kenya. By love of course I mean she's good TV and fun to blog.

Kenya reminds Ms. Lawrence Porsha admitted she married Cordell so people wouldn't think he was gay. I was going to defend Porsha and say she didn’t exactly say that, but she did. I’m sure that scene is going to come back to hurt Porsha. My guess is that her wallet just got a little smaller. Kenya also says she needs a one-on-one with Apollo.

For the love of God, what is she thinking?  The last thing she needs is to get into it with Apollo. It will be gross. Everyone is off to some caves for a tour and I'm laughing. This is not a cave group. Their clothes and shoes are embarrassing for a cave excursion, but these women are usually embarrassing themselves so Mexico should be no different.

Todd and Kandi get to talking about the wedding that is not happening and Todd again threatens her that he does not know hwe long he can hold on. I get what he is saying and I agree with him, but I have no respect for a man who is going to say these things in front of the others and certainly not on camera. He is a douchebag for that choice.

They arrive at the caves and I don’t get why they needed to schlep flat shoes and wear heels in the car. How about just wearing flat shoes? There are monkeys to greet them which is cute. There is also a snake and the screeching begins. We are 10 minutes in and I'm on my second margarita. If this screeching continues I will move onto my third.

The snake is massive and Porsha starts crying. Someone needs to smack her. Kenya lets us know she has seen bigger snakes in her bedroom and I'm laughing because she must have a good memory to remember the last time she saw a snake. African Prince my ass. The caves are beautiful but there are tons of bats and so I'm never doing this.

There is a natural spring that looks fabulous but Kenya dives in alone. It is weird as everyone watches her but don't join. Slowly they change their minds and get in the water. Not everyone, but those who do are glad. As Kenya leaves the pool and climbs the stairs Apollo checks her out for all of us to see and it is funny and creepy. More creepy.

Kenya is taking the girls and Ms. Lawrence for a special treat, leaving Porsha and Phaedra behind. They meet holy men who help with fertility and she starts to cry. No tears, no crying bitches. Kenya uses her serious voice to talk about her future child and while I wish her the best for the baby she wants, this is completely ridiculous.

To clarify, the ritual is not ridiculous, it is Kenya’s serious voice that is ridiculous.  We go back and forth between fertility prayers and Phaedra and Porsha talking about Nene and Marlo’s fight. Full makeup for the pool is lame and I am bored. What? Yes. Yes I am pouring another drink. You should have one too. Kenya is fake crying again.

Peter, Apollo, and Todd are having a cigar together and it pisses me off. Who cares? This is not about them and this scene is a waste of our time. Peter is giving advice, which is weird because he is an idiot who has not made a lot of good decisions. Ms. Lawrence and Kenya show up and join them for a cigar and a shot of tequila. Apollo is now flirting with Kenya.

They are getting drunk and Kenya tries to take Apollo off alone. Todd goes with them as a chaperone, but Kenya sends him away. Todd leaves and the Kenya and Apollo are alone, but in sight of the others. This conversation is silly. She calls him out, he calls her out, and nothing of any interest is being said. I think I’m on team Kenya here.

The major thing for Kenya is Apollo thinks he could have banged her if he wanted, but she says he didn’t stand a shot in hell. I think they slept together so it is stupid to me. Next week we'll still be in Mexico and there will be fighting, perhaps punches will be thrown, and we will be reminded this is a group of gutter pigs who know how to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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