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Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of Atlanta Gutter Pigs

by Ilana Angel

February 10, 2014 | 6:27 pm

*Typos are sponsored by my flu meds.

These classy ladies of the South are nothing but a bunch of gutter pigs. What is a gutter pig? A pig that sits in the gutter like garbage. They are pigs and their behavior, like their show, is garbage. I was going to say they were “ghetto” or “hood”, but I’m not exactly sure that that means so I will stick with gutter pigs.  There is not a lady to be found in the bunch.

We pick up this week with the pajama fight. First of all, this party was idiotic and Nene was high if you ask me. No good was ever going to come of this and they should have stayed home. Apollo is pumping out his chest and ready to punch anyone, Brandon is unclear what the hell happened, and Nene is screaming when she is the one to blame.

Christopher apologizes, but takes no ownership of the fact he touched Kenya. Kenya was speaking calmly and he went after her. Cut to Kandi pointing out that Natalie said some things about Todd. This show is a bunch of mean girls trying to out bitch each other. All the men are saying they were trying to defuse the situation but they weren’t. 

Cynthia is sitting back like she is innocent, but she isn’t. These women are stirring up crap to get camera time and it is disgusting. They are in the gutter like a pack of pigs. Peter comes in like he is going to take care of things and starts it up with Kandi. Who are these people and how much longer does Bravo expect us to wait to be entertained?

Nene is acting like her party is ruined but does not mention she ruined the party. Nene had an agenda from the start. She is no longer Queen Bee and it hurts. Both her scripted shows are cancelled and she is not fancy. She is back in the gutter with the other pigs and it isn’t sitting well with her. All the fighting and screaming is embarrassing.

The only thing the fighting cleared up is that these people are stupid. They are not appealing, important, relevant, and certainly not worthy of representing African American women in Atlanta. I am not from the south, and not African American, but I am embarrassed by these chicks and think they all need a swift kick to the unemployment line.

Cut to Kandi’s house, she is with her assistant Carmen and Todd. Kandi’s mom thinks Carmen and Todd are banging and Carmen will not look Todd in the eye. Anyone else notice? Kandi is recounting the night to Carmen, while Nene and Cynthia recount with their husbands. It is insane that they are talking like we didn’t see what happened.

We were there with you assholes. We know who started what. Cut to Kenya now recounting the night with her friend Brandon. Ugh. Everyone is talking about the night while pointing fingers at each other. Since they are all delusional and unable to keep it real, allow me to clarify: this was Nene’s fault, following in a close second place of blame is Cynthia.

Nene calls Brandon a Queen, and he opts to not press charges against Apollo because he is a father. I would have pressed charges. Cut to Apollo talking to Phaedra about how innocent he was in the whole thing and I am laughing. He is innocent? He is a prison thug and he is going back to prison. These people are really messy.

Bravo is lame to air this crap, we are insane to watch, and Atlanta needs to be cancelled. It is laughable. Does Bravo realize we are laughing at them? Over to Kandi she is having an open casting call for her musical. Oy vey. I don’t know why I am watching but I do understand why it is taking so long to blog this crap.

The ladies are doing a spa day to reconnect. By reconnect of course I mean fight. Cynthia says she is not sure she is ready to be in a room with Kandi, but there she is. These women cannot stand each other, are desperate for camera time, and are humiliating themselves, Atlanta, and black women everywhere by behaving as they do.

They sit for tea and Kandi starts by apologizing. I personally don’t think she is the one who needs to say sorry, but good for her. I wonder if they are watching the show and seeing that they all look like a bunch of crazy liars. They are all to blame, Nene started it, Cynthia escalated it, and Apollo killed it. I don’t care about this show anymore. For real.

Phaedra talks crap about Brandon, Kenya throws a prison slam, and Nene jumps in to blame Kenya. Nene makes a gay jab and takes no responsibility for anything going wrong at her bull crap party. These women are not only gutter pigs, they are dumb as dirt. It is a crazy day when Kenya is the rational lady of the group. This is garbage TV.

There is more intellectual stimulation on Jerry Springer than with these losers. Next week is more yelling, kissing Nene’s unemployed ass, and front row views from the gutter. I cannot wait for the ladies of NYC to return so we can finally get some women who don’t stick to the script and on occasion are able to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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