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Jewish Journal

Real Housewives of Atlanta Finale Reap

by Ilana Angel

April 15, 2014 | 6:12 pm

The season is over and while it felt during some weeks it was crawling along, the end now seems to have come quickly. I guess I was so excited for this crap fest to be over I willed it come fast. The reunion will be brilliant, but for now we will see them off with a bang. By bang of course I mean there will be a lot of crying without tears.

We begin with Kandi who is rehearsing for her musical, which opens in two days. Todd joins her and says the tickets sales are slow. Todd tells Kandi about his meeting with Joyce and it is annoying because we are supposed to think he told her about this now, not at the theater. The editing on this show sucks. Then they talk about getting married.

Kandi asks him if he has an attorney to help with the pre-nup. Kandi lists all the ways she is wealthy, and all the ways Todd is not. He says he will sign it as long as it is fair. There is nothing fair when one is rich and one is not. We know they got married last weekend so Mazel Tov to the newlyweds. I hope they live happily ever after.

Cut to the memorial service for Kenya’s beloved dog Velvet. Very sad, and no real tears, but when Cynthia refers to Velvet as a he not a she, the look Kenya shoots her is priceless. Kenya sobs and it is all quite sad. The video montage of Velvet is lovely and I cannot imagine how it must break Kenya’s heart to have watched her dog die. Rest in Peace.

Over to Phaedra, she has finished school and is a licensed mortician. Her son Ayden brings her a cake and it is fantastic. This is a cute kid. Apollo is a douchebag and Phaedra doesn't appear to like him much. She says he should have a vagina for one day to know how hard it is for a woman. I imagine Apollo has many vaginas in a day.

Jumping to Porsha, she has signed her divorce papers and the divorce is final. She says she miraculously woke up one day and decided she didn’t want anything from him and said no to his money. Is she high? Does she think we believe her? I’m guessing he bought her silence. How the hell is she in that house without money from Cordell? Porsha is truly a moron.

Cynthia is trying to get her sexy on to surprise Peter. She has no game and it is embarrassing. Her husband is also embarrassing, so they are a good match. Peter arrives and like us, laughs at his wife. It is time for Cynthia to leave this show. I know she needs the money, and is harmless, but she is also not good television and her time here is done.

Cut to Nene, she is not feeling well and Gregg thinks it is gas. I like Gregg. We leave them quickly and go to the opening night of the musical. She is hoping for a sold out show and I imagine she will get one once they pull people in off the street. There is a montage of Todd how things work and it is hilarious. If I were him I’d be pissed, but it is funny.

Porsha arrives, Kandi has gas, and I am bored. This is an hour and a half special finale and I am bored not even an hour in. They are doing a lot of stuff on the musical. So I guess the goal is to shoe enough that people want more so they can sell DVD’s. Another shameless promotion. Kandi keeps calling her shoe “legit”, which is stupid and is unnecessary to say.

It is now opening night and I am falling asleep listening to Phaedra and Cynthia talk about nothing, and I want to pull my own hair out listening to Porsha tell us she is made to be on stage. Mama Joyce arrives with a bedazzled red carpet pole shoved up her ass and the play begins. It looks good but I’m not buying the DVD. Also, the audience is not full.

We get a look at Kandi’s daughter Riley and she is beautiful. She has really grown up. Mama Joyce is painful to watch. She simply cannot be happy for her daughter, kind to Todd, or decent to anyone else. She is a bitter lady who is in fear of being kicked off the gravy train. She is lucky Kandi loves her so much that she is willing to put up with her crap.

I am glad the season is over and look forward to the epic reunion meltdown. There needs to be a shake up on this show. Nene, Phaedra, Kandi and Kenya should stay. Porsha and Cynthia must go, and Kim should come back. That said, I might simply be done with Atlanta. There is not enough here to keep me writing about how they don’t keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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