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Real Housewives Beverly Hills Premiere Recap

by Ilana Angel

November 5, 2012 | 7:32 pm

Joe Pugliese/Bravo © NBC Universal, Inc.

The ladies are back, and for reasons I will never understand, Kim and Taylor are included.  Fascinating that they were not let go, but I guess Bravo truly has no boundaries in how they like to hang people out to dry. I am going into the season with an open mind on all the women, and no plans to hold back.

Here is the cast with their opening lines, and translations, to help get us started on this train ride through hell.

Lisa:  “Life isn’t all diamonds and rose, but it should be.”
Translation: I’m not sweating the small stuff with these witches.

Brandi: “Money doesn’t give you class, it just gives you money.”
Translation: These jealous bitches are no better than me.

Adrienne: “Know your friends, show your enemies the door.”
Translation: I have no friends because I am mean and selfish.

Taylor: “I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now.”
Translation: I helped kill my husband and got away with it.

Yolanda: “I like to have fun, but I don’t play games.”
Translation: I have no idea who I want to be on this show yet.

Kim: “Life is a journey and I am finding myself everyday.”
Translation:  Why did my sponsor let me do this?

Kyle: “I’m born and raised in Beverly Hills. This is my town.”
Translation: I was born in Hollywood, but who really cares?

We start off at Lisa’s new house.  Jiggy looks fabulous and Brandi is over for a visit.  Brandi is the first to see the house and happy about it, while Lisa is glad she gave Brandi a fair shot because they have now become good friends.  They are fun together and while it feels Lisa is somewhat mortified by Brandi at times, it seems like a genuine friendship.

The house is truly fabulous.  Lisa’s closet made me have heart palpitations. For real.  Brandi’s reaction to the closet is “F you”, which is exactly what I would have said.  Brandi flirts with Ken, Ken dutifully blushes, Lisa thinks maybe she should loan him out just to not have to have sex with them, and I like the dynamic. It’s good Brandi has an ally in Lisa.

Lisa is having a party at her restaurant and did not invited Adrienne.  They are no longer friends, but Lisa is open to an apology for how she behaved at the reunion.  Brandi is trying too hard, but she will settle in.  Over to Kyle, she tells us her relationship with Kim is still strained.  Mauricio gives her a Maserati and it is lame.  I don’t like her at all.

She is unkind to her sister and I know she is going to simply be mean.  She drives off in the car and I’m grossed out.  No mention of the fact that he made the money selling Lisa’s house, before she threw her under the bus. Kyle cannot be trusted in my opinion and its going to take a lot for me to get her.  As for Adrienne, all I can say who cares?

Adrienne and Paul are out for dinner, pretending to love each other, but we know it was already ending then.  Taylor calls and tells her she wants to go shopping for Lisa’s party, and the cat is out of the bag.  Adrienne now knows she was not invited.  Sidebar:  Adrienne looks just like Barbara Eden.  The amount of work she hass had done is insane.

We’re off to Malibu to meet Yolanda, who is very pretty, in an unreal way. Her Malibu home is spectacular.  We learn that Yolanda is the ex-wife of creepy Mohamed, and is now married to music mogul David Foster.  They have been together six years and while I think it’s lovely how she shares her romantic side, it’s going to get old.  I like her though.

Kim is off to see her sister Kathy for lunch.  She is filming the show one month after getting out of rehab.  Really? Why the hell is she on this show?  It is a disservice to Kim for Bravo to have allowed it.  I feel bad even writing about her because she is simply not well.  I will do it of course, by I feel bad about it.  Kim lets us know she is not good with Kyle.

Kathy is helping Kim’s daughter pick a prom dress when Kyle walks in. The energy immediately shifts.  Kyle sucks the joy out of the room.  Kim talks about how strained their relationship is, and Kyle talks about rehab.  I like Kim and feel for her, but it is difficult to watch.  I want to hug her while Kyle accidently trips down some stairs.

Lisa is visiting Brandi and talking about the party at Villa Blanca.  Brandi is not excited to see Taylor.  The sexual jokes extend to the dogs, which is not that funny.  Poor girl needs to relax.  Kyle’s youngest daughter is having a birthday and she is calling the ladies to invite them to her party. Kyle’s use of her child to make us like her is not cool.

Why does Kyle need to say Kim is sober every single time she mentions her? Brandi accidentally invites herself to the party and we are all clear that Beverly Hills is the most scripted of all housewives cities.  We jump to Taylor, which to be honest, pisses me off.  She should have been fired.  The taping is 9 months after Russell killed himself.

Her face looks completely distorted.  She is shopping and Adrienne joins her. Adrienne needs a stylist and Taylor needs a therapist.  Adrienne can’t fake liking her husband, even when he is not there.  Taylor apologizes for Lisa not inviting her to the party, and Adrienne is hurt and annoyed.  I would not have invited her either. Adrienne was horrible.

It’s time for the Villa Blanca party.  Yolanda shows up, Kim is in a sea of free drinks, Kyle arrives, and the fake kisses are off the charts.   Taylor arrives, followed by Brandi, who upon meeting Yolanda for the first time, reports that Yolanda has slept with everyone ion town.  Wowzer.  Poor Brandi is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way.

Important to note that this is just a TV show and my opinion is one of millions.  I like Bandi and Lisa so I have their backs.  I will also call them out if I think they are lame becasue that is how I roll.  If you don't like that I am openly a team player, it's cool.  No harm no foul, but it's my blog and I get to decide.  Team Keeping it Real!

Yolanda tells Kim, Kyle and Taylor that Brandi said she slept with everyone in town, but they think she was talking about herself, not Yolanda, and Yolanda does not correct them.  I get it’s a party and maybe it was confusing, but Yolanda is either a bitch, or a classy lady.  I’m going with lady until she makes me think otherwise.  I dig her.

Adrienne sends flowers to the party for Lisa, which is pathetic. Kyle picks a fight with Kim and we are right back where we started.   We didn’t learn a lot during the premiere, but it was enough for me to say I will blog it.  For now.  The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are unreal, but it’s cool because I will happily be the one to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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