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Jewish Journal

Princesses of Long Island Recap – Oy Vey!

by Ilana Angel

June 3, 2013 | 7:33 am

The only thing I love more than reality television is when there is a Jew on reality television.  I am proudly Jewish and love it when one of the tribe is on TV.  That’s the thing about Jews, we are all connected and take this weird sense of ownership and pride in each other.  It’s good to be a Jew and these young bitches better not piss me off and embarrass our people. The problem with reality TV is that the Jews are always really strange.

I am coming to this show with an open mind, but I will simply be forced to rip these women apart if they are crazy. God help me, here we go.  We start off with Chanel who is 27, modern orthodox, and living at home with her parents and sister.  The sister, Ashley, is 24 and getting married.  That has got to hurt.  Chanel is clearing upset that her younger sister if getting married first and I feel for her.  That sucks, but she handles it well.

They are sitting down for dinner and her mother is on Chanel’s ass to get married already.  I was never pressured to get married, and although I married young, 25, it might be more of an issue in a more religious family. The mother tells her to find someone like her dad, her sister says to find someone like her fiancé, and Chanel quotes Sex and the City in how she describes the love she is looking for.  I like Chanel. For now.

Next up is Chanel’s friend Erica.  Erica is a reform Jew and while she is supposed to be lifelong friends with Chanel, is not clear that Chanel keeps kosher. Her parents are making BBQ and I am so insanely offended by Erica’s father I want to scream.  He makes a mockery of being kosher, says a fake prayer over the non-kosher meet he is making, and tells Chanel it is kosher, so she eats it.  Five minutes in and I hate this show.

Ashley is one of Chanel’s best friends, and a nightmare.  She is truly the most offensive representation on television of what it means to be a young Jewish woman.  She is getting a manicure and pedicure with her dad, who seems lovely, but has clearly ruined this girl, and she has no shot in hell of ever having a happy marriage.  She is focused on money, appears to be a hobbit, and has no idea how unappealing she looks on this show.

She will not wear flat shoes and since just got a pedicure she cannot put her shoes on.  She has her father push her in a chair to the front door, then asks the salon owner to carry her to her car so she does not need to walk in flats.  I want to smack this kid and yell at her dad for creating a monster. Why not have her dad carry her to the car instead of humiliating the salon owner? This woman is going to set Jewish chicks back years.

Amanda is up next and we also meet her mother Babs and her boyfriend Jeff. Dear Lord.  Amanda is harmless enough but her mother is crazy and her boyfriend is gay.  These three people may be the most awkward people to ever be on reality television.  She is a pretty girl but her voice makes me want to cut myself, her boyfriend’s voice makes me want to swallow glass, and her mother’s voice makes me want to pluck my hair out.

Babs calls Amanda while she is out for dinner and it is creepy.  The mother is needy and clingy.  She wants to live through her daughter and it is freaking me out.  Thank God I did not have a mother like that, and thank God I am not a mother like that.  The truth is that these women are unlike any Jews that I know, and I am embarrassed by them.  I love it when people say they are Jewish and are proud of it, but I wish this group wouldn’t.

Ashley is going to pick up her friend Joey, who is middle class, but Ashley says he lives in the ghetto and is destitute.  This woman should not be allowed out of the house, let alone on television.  Joey is the pretty and normal one.   She is from a different part of Long Island and defines herself as different from the others.  Ashley tells Joey she looks beautiful, Joey tells her she is beautiful too, and Ashley responds, “obviously”.

I am so over this show and cannot watch it.  There is not enough booze in the world to make this show good.  They are shopping for her Ashley’s 30th birthday party.  The power is out and she talks the store into letting her shop in the dark.  I can’t take this Ashley woman.  Joey is visiting Erica and it occurs to me that Joey reminds me of Bethenny Frankel.  I don’t like her anymore.   Erica is having a pool party for all the princesses.

Amanda, Babs, and Jeff are bathing suit shopping and I want to turn away but can’t.  It is horrific.  Jeff is gay and his drooling over Amanda is painful. I want him to meet a nice Jewish guy and set himself free.  Watching him look at Amanda and her mother in bathing suits is too much.  Babs is a hot mess, Amanda is in denial, and Jeff is lying to himself.  Important to note this is not a show about Jews, but rather a show about freaks.

Erica is having the pool party at her cousin’s house so she does not need to clean up after. Shoot me.  We meet her boyfriend Rob and I don’t get it.  He will be running away soon.  Chanel arrives and I find myself liking her. She is the only one.  There are some gorgeous men at the party, none of which are Jewish.  Joey brought a bunch of her friends to the party and it is about to get ugly.  One of Joey’s friends is going to cause a scene.

Joey’s friend Sarah knows Jeff and they are Facebook friends.  Sarah says Jeff stalked her on Facebook and Amanda is pissed off.  Sarah is drunk. Sidebar: one second Amanda’s nails are not painted, then in the next scene they are. Clearly they had to shoot this over a long period of time.   Amanda is calm but getting annoyed, Sarah is drunk and annoyed, then calls Jeff a f*****. Not nice, not necessary, and ugly drunk behavior.

Amanda throws her drink on Sarah and everyone starts screaming.  Joey is a coward, Erica wants everyone out, and it turns into a mess.  By turns into of course I mean this show has been a horrible mess from the first minute. This is a horrible show, with unappealing people, and I am embarrassed that people will watch and think this is what it means to be Jewish.  The good news is that nobody is going to watch because it is crap.

I like Chanel and would interested in talking to her to see how she is in real life, and if she is happy with the show, but the others hold no interest for me.  The voices are like nails on a chalkboard and in all seriousness, I am embarrassed by them.  I will probably watch and blog if only to remind people this is not what it means to be Jewish, and hope that people know when it comes to Jewish women, they are not keeping it real.

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