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Jewish Journal

Princesses Long Island: Oh. My. God.

by Ilana Angel

June 17, 2013 | 3:39 pm

Chanel is the only reason to watch this show.  Sadly she has her loser friends along for the ride, and they are out of control.  That these women are all about being Jewish is mortifying to anyone who is Jewish.  I am Jewish and it makes me both mad and sad that these freaks are on television representing my faith.  They are embarrassing.

I am watching this show and unable to believe what I am seeing. These girls are a mess and again, with the exception of Chanel who I think is truly a lovely girl, these girls make me sick.  We pick up back in the Hamptons for Shabbat dinner and I am going to do a shot of tequila before I even start because I am not going to make it through without a buzz.

Casey tells Erica that she is a whore for stealing her boyfriend, who she loved, when she was 16.  Ten years ago!  Oh. My. God.  Casey needs therapy. She is comparing Erica banging her hormone driven childhood boyfriend with her parents.  Really?  Casey is an idiot, Erica is a whore, and I am well on my way to getting hammered.  These chicks are a hot skanky mess.

Sidebar:  Casey wants us to believe that what she went through when Erica slept with her prom date is the exact same thing as her father cheating on her mother and leaving her for another woman.  If I were Casey’s mom it would break my heart that my child is comparing the two.  Casey is a drama queen, in need of serious therapy, and never going to find love.

Casey rejoins dinner and she is pissed, Erica rejoins dinner and she is feeling sorry for herself, and poor Chanel is trying really hard to salvage Shabbat dinner.  Amanda arrives with her sexually confused boyfriend and everyone is relieved to have the attention off the tension.  Jeff is a lovely and sweet man, but also an idiot, and Erica runs to tell him what is happening. 

Jewish or not, this show is total crap.  Chanel is trying to bless everyone with wine and challah and I love her. Erica does not think banging Casey’s boyfriend is a big deal, and Chanel is the only normal one, the only one not embarrassing Jews, and the only one I can watch without wanting to drink my own blood because I’m out of tequila. I’m switching to rum.

Erica is blubbering all over Chanel, making no sense, then we cut to the morning and she is not going out with the girls because she is hung over. Everyone else heads into town for brunch while Amanda and Jeff make out at the hotel pool. They are nauseating.   Jeff is a sweet man, and if he wants to be with a woman, bless him, and Amanda is perfect for him.

Jeff and Amanda call each other Mommy and Daddy, which makes me want to shoot myself.  Over to brunch, Chanel is adorable and everyone else is painful.  A couple of men walk by and Chanel calls them over.  The men are gross, Chanel thinks they are funny, and Casey is repulsed.  Casey needs to relax or she is going to die alone with 18 cats and her paintings.

Important that all these chicks talk with their mouths full and chew with their mouths open, which grosses me out.   Back at the house Erica’s boyfriend arrives.  He seems like a nice guy but they only reason I can figure a man would be with this chick is because she is good in bed.  By good in bed of course I mean maybe he does not know what good in bed is.  

The girls go from brunch to evening cocktails in the same scene and once again the editing at Bravo makes no sense.  They sit down next to a man who they think looks like Clark Kent.  Really?  If I take out my contacts, and shoot some heroin, this guy will still not look like Clark Kent. Ashlee is all over him and it is making my skin crawl off my body.

While Ashlee is flirting with this innocent young man, who is probably gay, Ashlee calls her dad and puts him on speaker.  Chanel is telling her dad Ashlee will marry him, Ashlee is talking to her parents about a man she has known for 30 seconds, and I am blown away.  Who are these people?  Joey is mortified, Ashlee is hurt by Joey, Clark Kent is confused.

It is now midnight and everyone is getting ready to go out.  Amanda and Erica are getting ready, peeing on camera, and everyone else is ready to go. Erica is a whiner, and a moron, and already drunk.  They arrive at the club and Erica proceeds to get wasted.  Chanel is dancing and is cute, it looks like all is going well until Rob tries to talk to Casey about Erica.

Erica wants to know every single word he told Casey and I am so sad for her. What a mess this chick is.  The chances of any of these women getting a date, let alone married, will be a miracle.  As for Chanel, I am going to fix her up because she is a lovely girl who simply needs to get some new friends. I do not think I will be able to blog this for the entire season.

It is now 2 am and Erica is falling down, and lets us know if she is going to have a baby one day she better be able to handle a fall.  What?  She better also be able to handle fetal alcohol syndrome.  Erica is still drinking, her boyfriend is smashed and passed out, and if I think Casey should go and seduce Rob while Erica is throwing up on herself in the yard.

Then it happens.  Erica has a meltdown and starts rambling about nothing, and then she takes an Adderall, and offers one to Rob, which now explains why he is with her.  Erica is crying and in the throws of a nervous breakdown. Oh. My. God. Casey is a bitch while everyone else is showing a certain level of compassion.  Then we see the crew walk through the house.

Erica is losing her mind to Rob, and we see the crew walking through the house in the background.  Hilarious.  Everyone in the house is talking about Erica needing to go to AA and it is lame.  She does not need AA, she needs rehab. Rob is not surprised so clearly he knows her issues, she is now talking gibberish and I officially hate this show on an epic level.

Erica leaves early with Rob so she does not have to deal with questions on the ride home.  Ashlee calls her dad to fill him in on the weekend and let him know she didn’t meet anybody. The others leave and I am exhausted.  Oy vey.  I will be watching next week because it is just too disgusting to turn away from, but no promises on a blog. Just keeping it real.

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