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Picking Teams on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

by Ilana Angel

February 3, 2014 | 7:22 pm

*Typos are brought to you by Sudafed.

We start off this week with Lisa and Kyle doing a joint birthday party for their husbands. Really? Their birthdays are a month apart and Lisa and Kyle don’t even really like each other, so this is staged Bravo crap. Kevin, the divine party planner will pull it all together. I am laughing at the very notion of this party being for both Ken and Mauricio. It is lame but will no doubt make for some good TV. Good, unrealistic, scripted reality TV.

They are going to do a black tie dinner and Lisa will not do the food so she can relax. They are talking about who to invite as if they may actually keep one of the ladies off the list. This is so stupid. Yolanda has another event as her stepdaughter is getting married and Kyle thinks it is odd Lisa was not invited to the wedding since she is on the dream team. Kyle is a troublemaking mean girl who immediately mentions teams.

Cut to Brandi, she is doing a photo shoot for her second book cover. She is picking dresses, letting us know she is more than just a party girl, and introduces us to her new book editor by letting us know she is a c**t. I’d be pissed off if I were that woman right now. The editor nixes a bunch of the photo ideas and makes them change direction to match the topic of the book and she is right. Brandi’s new book is about relationships.

Not sure I will take her relationship advice, but I will read the book as it will be charming and funny with just the right amount of vulgar thrown in to show us this woman is more than a pretty face. Brandi is not everyone’s cup of tea, but no matter whether you like her or not, there is no denying she is compelling. That is reason enough for her to have another New York Time’s bestseller and I have pre-ordered my copy.

Joyce has invited Carlton to lunch and Carlton is clearly not into it. Joyce orders fries so we think she eats fattening food but come on, she is purging that crap the second the camera is off. Carlton jumps right in and tells Joyce she was dismissive about Carlton’s faith. Joyce lets her know she respects everyone’s religion. Really? I do not think Joyce respects any religion other than her own and simply tolerates the rest.

When she was badgering me on Twitter she made sure to wish me a Merry Christmas after I mentioned I do not celebrate Christmas as a Jew. It was a subtle but noticeable dig. Joyce believes in her faith so God bless her, but don’t lie and say you are respectful when you are not. Joyce wants to know if Carlton has put a curse on her family. Such respect. Joyce is as beautiful as she is dumb. Bless her tiny, little heart.

Joyce explains to Carlton that when she got home from dinner after they were together, her husband got violently ill. Maybe it was bad fish and not a curse. Or perhaps it was a simple case of Karma? Karma is a bitch and she is Jewish.  Joyce tells Carlton she wants assurances there will be no curses placed on her family. Dear Lord. Joyce is a tool and Carlton should have gotten up right then and left. Carlton is rightfully offended.

They are moving on. Ugh. Kim and her daughter are getting matching tattoos. Ugh. Yolanda is packing her daughter to go to university. Ugh. Back to the tattoos, I’m bored. Kim says when she dies she will be a butterfly so when her kids see a butterfly they will know it is her. Sweet. Kim is suffering through her tattoo and I am cringing. I know they hurt and have 6, one on my wrist, and they hurt more than having a baby.

They are jumping back and forth from Kim and her daughter to Yolanda and her daughter. It is sad for me as I am preparing for my son to go off to college this fall. I respect these two women and share their fear and pride. Congratulations to the two young ladies. Cut to Kyle and Lisa who are getting the party set up. Kyle and Lisa have different tastes. By different of course I mean Lisa has taste and Kyle does not. Seriously.

Everyone is getting ready for the party, including Giggy. They don’t show him naked as he changes outfits and it is lovely. They don’t want to embarrass him and I don’t know why but I find it touching. Cut to the staff from SUR being there to work and I‘m grossed out. Scheana the repulsive whore is showing her ring off to guests and it is lame. She is but a server and needs to learn her place. I am over the crossover.

Brandi comes with JR, who I think is a loser. Kyle comes with Mauricio, late to their own party. Lisa tells Brandi to congratulate Scheana on getting engaged. Really? How about pushing her in the pool and calling her a whore? There are some water dancers who are embarrassing and it is silly. The dinner is gorgeous and the table is perfection. Lisa is classy, except when she belittles her husband. Lots of ugh.

Kyle didn’t plan anything but gets up to make a speech. Brandi shouts out some profanity, which is attention grabbing and not funny. Kyle makes her speech all about Mauricio but Lisa is not having it and jumps up to include Ken. Kyle is a moron and good for Lisa for jumping in to remind her it is their party and her house and she needs to check herself. Kim, Joyce, and Yolanda are not there. Something bad is coming.

Brandi happens upon Scheana and it is clearly scripted. Scheana is a whore, Brandi is dumb to acknowledge her in any way other than calling her a whore, and I hate these Vanderpump Rules bitches are here. Back to dinner, Ken says they should do “one of those Jewish dances” and I am mortified by the ignorance. Kyle, the super Jew, starts singing Hava Nagila and knows only the first two words. 

Brandi sings the dreidel song and knows more lyrics than Kyle. Just saying. Before I even know how it happened, Kyle and Carlton are going at it. Kyle tells Carlton it is not the time or plcae place and Carlton says she does not f**king care. I am not a fan of Kyle’s on this show but she has my support right now. Carlton is rude and this is inappropriate. Kyle is staying calm and Carlton is about to lose her mind.

Kyle tells Carlton to let her speak and Carlton goes off. It is truly horrific for this to be happening at the dinner party. The grossest part is that as Carlton is ruining the party, Mauricio says nothing. He sits there and lets Carlton go of on his wife. I am with Kyle on this one people. Surprising but true. Kyle is no angel but in this instance she is behaving like a lady and Carlton is a bitch. Nobody speaking up is shameful to me.

Kyle calls Carlton anti-Semitic and I am now on Carlton’s side. She is not an anti-Semite, Kyle is Jew-ish, and it is a dangerous label to place on someone. Kyle has crossed a line and good for Carlton to get up and leave. Lisa runs after her, and Brandi comforts Kyle saying Carlton went to far. Funny that Brandi is the authority on going too far when her gauge is clearly broken. Oh my, this is exhausting and painful.

This is a show of women behaving badly. I don’t have relationships like this with my friends. We are not mean and disrespectful to each other. That this is what they are creating for their children is fascinating. A lot of kids in Beverly Hills are going to grow up with drugs and a pole in their future. Next week the darkness continues as Beverly Hills gives New Jersey a run for the dark side. Nobody here is keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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