September 26, 2013 | 3:59 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Like most Housewives of Everywhere, Melissa Gorga is milking her 15 minutes to make as much money as she can before pop culture kicks her to the curb and forgets about her. From her “singing” career, to her new book, this woman is doing her thing. She is doing it badly, but still, doing her thing. Her book, Love Italian Style: The Secrets of My Hot and Happy Marriage is truly hilarious. It is also an embarrassing use of priceless trees.
This is a really bad book and while that is to be expected from someone who is not known for being a scholar, the depth of her ignorance is mindboggling and I am surprised it made it past the editor. I understand everyone wanting to make some money, but this is insane. I have interviewed Melissa and she is as stupid in real life that she is on television, but her book is not stupid as much as it is ignorant, useless, and damaging to women.
I don’t believe she set out to be controversial because I am certain she does not know what controversial means, but it was the responsibility of her publisher to draw a line where she could not. There is lots of talk about her condoning marital rape and the truth is that it is not a stretch. The book is silly and will not give you a hot and happy marriage. It might however give you unwanted sex, a bladder infection, and an eating disorder.
Without boring you, making you choke on your lunch because you’re laughing, or spit out your wine in disgust, I will mention only five of the insane things she tells us. The core of her book is the thought that husbands want their wives to submit to them, and wives want their husbands to dominate them, in all aspects of their lives. How does one say, “This is a load of crap.” in Italian? Does Melissa even speak Italian? This is a crapfest.
1) Melissa’s husband Joe says that even when a wife tells her husband she does not want to have sex, she is lying and really does, so he can have sex with her even if she says no. Where I come from this is called rape. It goes against everything I have every taught my son and I am amazed that the publisher allowed this to get through.
2) A wife can get anything she wants from her husband if she is willing to give him sex, or sex acts, whenever he wants. A woman must not only be available for sex, she must be open to trying whatever he wants, and put his needs first. Wives need to remember they can do anything for 10 minutes. Is this a marriage or prostitution?
3) Keeping your house clean, and having dinner on the table when they get home, will keep a wife humble. It is also the responsibility of the wife to change all diapers, feed the kids, and clean up after them. Husbands should not be expected to do anything in terms of taking care of the children. Is she a wife or a Nanny/Housekeeper?
4) Wives need to dress for their men. Comfort is not as important as looking good for your man. Also important to note that a husband is not required to wear a wedding band. Additionally, wives should not make a habit of hanging out with single friends because no good can come of that. Single girls are slutty, which is how she got Joe.
5) Wives must never, under any circumstances, have a bowel movement while their husbands are home. You must hold it in, or run to the corner fast food place to take care of business because a husband must never know that his wife poops. Pooping and farting is for men only. Can money saved on toilet paper be used for kid's therapy?
So, to review, in order to have a happy and sexy marriage Italian style, you must have sex whenever he wants, allow him to take you sexually against your will, clean your house, take care of your kids, let him keep his marriage a secret, dress like he tells you, and never poop or fart in your own home. Do you all have that? It is a short list of requirements to be as happy as Melissa and Joe Gorga, and we all know how happy that house is.
The fact that she has written a guide to a happy marriage and not included her husband on the cover, is a clear indication that she is a fame whore and this is all about her. Her book is silly and nobody can possibly take her or her book seriously. She is a joke and people are laughing at her and how totally desperate and unbelievable her advice is. She is just not that bright and her book will be available in the dollar bin by Thanksgiving.
This book is bad for women, bad for publishing, and bad for business. The Internet is abuzz with news her book signings are being cancelled all over the place. I would suggest she do her book signings at pet stores, in the kitty litter section, so people can buy it to line their kitty crappers. Or in the bird section to lines cages. Melissa wrote a horrible book and anyone who is surprised must be drunk. Melissa is incapable of keeping it real.
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12.10.13 at 8:55 am | Carlton can stay, Joyce should go.
12.8.13 at 9:55 pm | Momma Joyce is all kinds of crazy.
12.7.13 at 8:49 am | What the hell is Bravo giving us?
12.7.13 at 7:29 am | I'm not going to lie, these women and the men. . .
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire.
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television.
12.10.13 at 8:55 am | Carlton can stay, Joyce should go. (3722)
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire. (2285)
12.7.13 at 8:49 am | What the hell is Bravo giving us? (1614)