Tonight's typos are generously sponsored by Merlot.
I have never looked so forward to a reunion as much as this one. This show crashed and burned this season and the reunion is our chance to see what is really going on now. These women are out for each other’s blood and we have been waiting months to get some answers. I really hope Andy does not disappoint and we can clear up the bullshit.
We are in a “shady grove” having tea and it is a shame they are at a table because we can’t really see what they are wearing. The ladies all look beautiful, except the ugly ones. We see them all getting ready with hair and makeup and they know it is on. Things are going to get ugly and that is okay because blood has been boiling for a long time with this group.
Mariah looks gorgeous and I love her darker hair. Simone looks stunning, Jackie is perfection. Toya is plastic and Lisa looks like an unattractive Paula Abdul 20 years ago. Quad is the prettiest man in town. and Heavenly is rocking her 80’s hair with her coffee cup full of hooch. I like some of these women individually, but not as a group.
We see a recap of the women working. It gives me an opportunity to say Lisa is a dumbass who designs ugly clothes, Quad is a delusional bitch designing clothes for bitches, and Toya is unemployed. Whatever. Mariah says Quad had a good idea with the dog clothes and Lisa say she makes more money than her cheating husband.
Andy asks Mariah if she models her business after the success of Lisa. Is Andy high? Lisa hits the ground running and says Mariah thinks she is the boss when she is not. She says Mariah sicks her Twitter goons on everyone and tries to force people to think she is the boss. Quad jumps in and says Mariah has no power over the show.
Interesting that Quad and Lisa call out Mariah and Andy lets it go without follow up. Mariah doesn’t even respond. It is disappointing. Mariah’s Executive Producer title is at the core of the friction and it is passed over when Andy had the opportunity to talk about it. He better come back to it or perhaps not host reunions anymore.
Time to review Heavenly’s season. She is toasted and it is awesome. Heavenly stands by her view of the man being the head of a home. Jackie says it was the way Heavenly spoke that rubbed people the wrong way and Heavenly disagrees. She is willing to defend her home, husband, and job. I like Heavenly when she is on the hooch.
Heavenly reminds the ladies they called her a whore and not a real doctor. Simone says she deserved it and Quad blames Mariah for Heavenly being tough on the ladies. Heavenly says she was influenced by Mariah, Mariah clarifies what she said about Jackie and Simone, and they agree. This is Quad trying to hurt Mariah. Quad is gross.
Toya doesn’t understand why Heavenly went after her when they had been friends. Andy asks Heavenly why she said Toya was not smart and she says because Toys is not smart. Toya is ignorant and really stupid. A deadly combination. Heavenly says she is the smartest in the room and you have to love her. She is better here than the show.
Andy quotes Heavenly’s unflattering blog about Simone and Jackie. Heavenly admits she wrote it out of anger agter Jackie said she wasn't a real doctor. Jackie uses the opportunity to explain what a real doctor is. Simone points out her plumber is a doctor, and Jackie says lots of people have doctorates but don’t practice medicine.
Simone is looking for a fight. Meanwhile Heavenly is sipping on her hooch and I love her more each time she does. Heavenly tells Jackie she knows a lot about vaginas, but nothing else. Jackie agrees Heavenly is a doctor, but in an emergency on a plane, when a doctor is needed, a dentist is no help. These women are acting like fools.
Time to review the falling out of Mariah and Quad. The big fight wasn't on camera so we'll never know the truth. That said, I am Team Mariah and think Quad is a fame whore. They've been friends for 10 years and Mariah thinks it is unsalvageable. All we know for sure is when Mariah cries there are tears and when Quad cries there are none.
They talk about the big fight and Quad says Mariah was drunk and physically abusive. Simone wants to know what really happened and says Quad is talking superficially about the falling out. Jackie tries to explain for Quad but Quad needs to speak for herself. Lisa pipes in and I don’t even hear her. She is useless and needs to be quiet.
Andy asks Mariah about lowering herself to Quad’s level and Mariah says she was angry and said it wrong. This is a waste of time and should be done in therapy. Clearly everyone picked a side and then fed shit to Quad to turn them off Mariah. Mariah says she is trying to respect what their friendship was and take the high road.
Mariah admits she said somunkind things but blames it on being hurt and angry. Quad asks Heavenly if Mariah spoke badly about her and Heavenly says yes. Quad is going on and on and Mariah says she is sorry she hurt her. Quad accepts it. Really? It is all very strange. The entire season was driven by this fight and it is forgiven just like that?
There is a missing piece to this puzzle and it is pissing me off they treat the audience like we're dumb. We stuck by this crap for an entire season and they're going to walk away from this with an apology? I wish I had some of Heavenly’s hooch instead of my wine. They are talking about being submissive again. Oy vey. Who cares?
They spend more time talking about Heavenly teaching her daughter to be submissive than the fight that ruined this show? These bitches better start keeping it real because I'm bored. We are 45 minutes in and the reunion is as disappointing as the season was. Come on. They're giving us nothing and it is seriously pissing me off.
Time to review the fight between Toya and Simone and dancing at the bowling party. Oh. My. God. Are we still talking about this? How is settling this problem more important than the fight between Quad and Mariah? Simone is explaining herself and Toya won’t let her talk. Andy tells Toya to let Simone finish. Simone is screaming.
Simone says they're not friends because if they were, Toya would've spoken to her privately. Toya says she tried and calls Simone a liar. They're screaming over each other, Andy is trying to control them and it is laughable. As freinds, Toya asks Simone to say what her phone number or address is but Simone can’t do it.
I think Toya needs to be fired along with the talentless Lisa. Simone and Toya are not friends, we get it. They take a break and everyone steps away from the table. They want us to think it was a break, but when they go backstage Simone and Jackie are in full hair and makeup, but Toys is in sweats and a t-shirt. Really?
This entire reunion is being edited by a blind person. Why is Toya in sweats? Clearly this conversation happened out of order and they're going to come back to the table for part 2 out of order. I hate it when Bravo thinks we're stupid. Toya is stupid, we are smart. Knock it off with the bullshit already. This reunion is lame.
Toya calls out Simone for fighting in front of her son. Simone says Toya is a broke ass and Toya comes back. They're now being held apart and Toya goes in for a punch. We got no answers and now need to come back again. For the love of God, this show has gone downhill and they better fix it or we won’t come back.
The only way to repair this show is keep Mariah, Simone, Jackie, and Heavenly. They need to get back to what the show was meant to be. Quad, Toya, and Lisa need to go. They need two new doctor’s wives. Make one a Jew! I’ll watch next week, but only because I'm paid to. I'm still team Mariah and still keeping it real.
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