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Married to Medicine Cabin Fever

by Ilana Angel

June 17, 2014 | 8:14 am

Tonight's typo are geerously sponsored by Merlot.

I have said it before, and I will say it again. This show does not work anymore. The shutting out of Mariah is stupid and has ruined what used to be a great show. I watched last year because they were funny and smart and gave a glimpse into lives that were interesting. I watch this year because it is my job. It is not fun to watch, not fun to blog, and not worthy of your time if you are wondering if you should take a look. 

This is the week of the big couples trip to a cabin. A couples trip that Mariah, the Executive Producer and creator of the show is not invited on. Jackie is packing and we find out her husband cannot come until the following day. Really? If it is a couple’s trip, and you are not a couple, don’t go. She should have waited and gone with her husband. This show is pissing me off and I'm 2 minutes in. Time for wine.

There is no chemistry between Jackie and her husband. It is weird to watch them together. They talk like business associates or siblings. Jackie is very aware of the cameras, which makes for bad reality TV. She tells the camera Mariah was “instrumental” in getting the group together. Whatever. Speaking of Mariah, she is at a dance studio practicing a dance for a wedding. It is a Bangladeshian thing.

Simone arrives for a scripted visit. Mariah says she is more like Tito Jackson than Michael Jackson. Funny. Simone is stirring up crap by telling Mariah she needs to reach out to Quad. Really? Quad needs to shut the hell up and get a clue. She is a classless, ridiculous fool who was nothing without Mariah. Too harsh? No. Mariah is crying, Simone is pushing, and I am bored. This show isn't working.

Simone tells Mariah she should drive two hours to “stop by” the couple’s trip. Simone has lost her mind. From one scripted scene to another, we are now with Quad, who is talking to her mom while she packs. Oh. My. God. This woman cannot speak English, is out of touch with reality, and needs to be fired. She is not good TV without Mariah. She went from fabulous last season to simply ridiculous.

We are now at minute six and I want to impale myself. It is going to take an entire bottle of wine to get through. The amount of bags these women have packed for two days is insane. Simone is talking about spicing up her sex life and I wonder why she chose a group trip to make that happen. Heavenly arrives, without her husband, and again I think she should have waited and gone up with her husband, not solo. 

Heavenly and Jackie, the two singles for now, are driving up with Simone and Cecil, who needed time alone. Lisa is driving with her husband, as is Toya with her husband. Lisa is annoying and I skip over most things Toya, who is a mess. She is also a liar. Quad is going up with her husband, not knowing how to pronunciate the designer of her clothes, and talking garbage. This woman is an idiot.

They start to arrive and everyone scrambles to get the best room. Toya is looking for a fight and Simone is ready to give her one. Simone tells them she invited Mariah to visit, and Toya and Heavenly are pissed. Sidebar: I don’t get the hair on these chicks. Quad looks like she doesn't wash hers, while Heavenly’s is just unattractive. These women don’t like each other and it shows, which is not fair to us.

There is a main cabin and a second, smaller cabin, so the stragglers race to cabin two to claim rooms. Toya gets the master, Quad gets the one with no light, and I am amazed by how ungrateful and childish these people are. Toya is talking about her new house, and how she is leasing it because they lost 50K on the last deal. Heavenly calls out her lies. Toya is a pathological and delusional liar. Fire her ass.

Time for the weekly scene of Mariah and her family becusae nobody will shoot wtih her. She is making shakes from her new business Cinnamon Girl. It’s a nice plug for her, and I like her and her husband, but this is sad. Mariah is good TV and that she is not part of the group is silly. This show doesn’t work without Mariah in the mix. She is planning a party and not sure who from the group to invite. I vote none.

She shouldn’t invite any of them, recast the show, and start over.  Keep Jackie and Simone, lose the rest. Back at the cabin, they're talking about relationships. Heavenly claims to be a relationship expert and I want to accidentally push her down the stairs. Quad’s husband says it takes effort for a man to not cheat. Lisa’s husband says he has cheated in every relationship, including Lisa, until he married her.

He says after he cheated she kept taking him back, so there was no need to stop cheating. There you go. Yet more proof that Lisa is a moron. Her husband did not miraculously turn off the cheating switch when he got married. Dear Lord. Quad responds to her husband’s cheating view by reminding him she is hit on all the time. Nice. I’m thinking a divorce and some down low action is coming up there.

They’re dressed in outfits from their college days and it is pathetic. They are sharing pictures from when they met and I am so bored I could scream. I have run out of wine so this blog must end. Cecile and Simone are the best couple, and Heavenly needs to stop talking. They start dancing and I am checked out. Mariah is planning to crash the cabin, and I am still waiting for someone here to keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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