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LeAnn and Eddie Week 4 Recap

by Ilana Angel

August 8, 2014 | 2:11 am

Tonight's typos are generously brought to you by Patron.

This show is a complete and total waste of time and I only watch it so you don’t have to. I’m a giver like that. It really is crap and completely fake. By fake of course I mean nothing about this show has anything to do with reality. From the fake house to the fake friends, this show is a desperate attempt to be relevant by people who are irrelevant. Important to note the editing is done by someone who is visually impaired and obviously doesn't care if they work as an editor again. Either LeAnn paid for this show or VH1 is firing someone right now.

We start off with LeAnn and Eddie planning a BBQ and going to buy meat. These crazy kids are trying to pull off comedy. Hilarious really. They have no chemistry and no personalities so it is an epic failure. Bless them. Eddie lets us know LeAnn has a spending problem, even when it comes to meat. I’m not really paying attention to the dialogue because I am distracted by LeAnn’s outfit. She appears to be wearing a shower curtain of some kind. Eddie is concerned with her spending which is funny since she is spending her money as he doesn’t have any. 

Over to the fake house, they are pretending to be a happy couple that spends time together. LeAnn is talking with her mouth full and it is gross. Probably because of her dentures. Poor thing. LeAnn is talking about her fake publicist, who has recommended she not get into any Twitter wars. Eddie lets us know LeAnn is reactionary, but never picks fights on Twitter. For the love of God. Really? LeAnn is the Queen of Twitter bullshit, cease and desist letters, and lawsuits. She’s come after me enough times to wallpaper my bathroom with her dellusions.

Eddie is going to do a photo shoot for a magazine. Really? Unemployed Married Actors Who Bang Whores Monthly? Good for him. He is told it is a swimsuit shot so he is going on a diet to get in shape. In 48 hours. LeAnn is trying to portray herself as being the hip and trendy one in their relationship. Eddie begs to differ because he knows how to twerk and fist pump. Can you guys hang on a minute? My eyes are bleeding. I’ll be right back. Wait here. Crap! Now my ears are bleeding.

LeAnn has tweeted a picture of her breakfast because the people she pays to follow her on Twitter are interested in that shit. In the back of the pic is the reflection of her ass in a thong. She is mortified and can’t believe she did that! The woman who regularly calls paparazzi to shoot her ass in a thong is embarrassed? Exactly how stupid is LeAnn to think we're stupid enough to buy this? One can only assume she is challenged mentally. She is also an inherently vicious person.

Time for the BBQ. The only thing missing from this show is the laugh track so we know when to laugh. LeAnn’s mom is at the BBQ and just like she was with her Dad, she is indifferent to her mother. She clearly doesn't like these people and is using them to rebuild her image. LeAnn is back in the shower curtain, proving this is a scripted mess edited by a moron. Eddie is eating salad while everyone else eats BBQ. His mom brings him pie and he cant eat that either. This is stupid. These are fake friends, in a fake house, and nothing about this is funny. 

Time for LeAnn to try on dresses for the tour she couldn’t give away tickets for. Her stylist brings things to the fake house and she tries them on and sings a bar to see if she can perform in the dress. The stylist brings up her butt shot because that is what the script says. She is annoyed people can’t let her move on from her mistakes. LeAnn Rimes is a moron. Cut to Eddie working out and I just can’t. Eddie Cibrian is a moron. These people are pathetic and I’ve got twenty bucks that says Eddie’s assistant is a paid actor from Craigslist. 

LeAnn gets a call from her “publicist” Kira. We all know her publicist is Marcel. Marcel probably didn’t want to do the show because he is too embarrassed to show his face. Poor thing. Kira lets LeAnn know she is trending on Twitter. LeAnn Googles herself and laughs that her but has knocked the search for her affair down a few notches. Does anyone have any proof that #RimesWithBooty was ever trending on Twitter? I’m guessing that never happened. LeAnn wants us to know she isn't looking for sympathy on this and takes full responsibility.

She does not know how it is that she ends up screwing herself over and over again. Well, since her husband is too busy screwing other people, of course she is going to screw herself.  She has needs too. Insert legally required “allegedly” here. Now, in what can only be described as truly unbelievable, LeAnn says she is concerned her step kids will go online and see pics of her ass. Really? Is she high? She prances around braless and practically naked at their birthday parties. She slept with their dad when both he and she were married to other people.

I can’t let this one go and just have to say a couple more things. She has tormented Brandi Glanville for years, copying everything she wears and does. She says horrible things about the mother of the kids she claims to be concerned for and we're supposed to believe she thinks for one second about what the internet will do their well being and mental stability? LeAnn is one stupid, mentally deficient, crazy bitch if she thinks we are buying her pathological and sociopathic lies. Okay. Thank you for that. I feel better. Insert legally required “allegedly” here.

Time for Eddie to get a spray tan and I just can’t. Truly. I can’t. We are skipping over this, but not before I mention that Eddie totally wants to bang the tanning chick. Cut to LeAnn and her fake publicist talking about the directions they want to take her career and image, now tainted by the butt pic. Really? We have seen her ass more than any ass should be seen. This is not that big a deal. The publicist’s advice is to wait for someone else to screw up more than her. Not possible really. Nobody does screw ups like LeAnn. We leave them and head to the photo shoot.

Turns out Eddie is appearing in a suit suit not a bathing suit. We could sure use a laugh track right about now. I am skipping over this too. There is nothing to see here people. Back at the fake house, as Eddie enters the room and glances at the crew in the kitchen, LeAnn tells him her options when it comes to the butt shot. She can let it die down, take legal action, or create a distraction. 1) It won’t die down because LeAnn won’t let it. 2) She posted the pic so will she sue herself? 3) Nobody cares about them so a distraction is simply not necessary.

Oy vey. LeAnn is going to Tweet a pic of Eddie’s ass to make people lose interest in hers. This week ends with pie eating in bed, and some imaginary sex. How much longer is this show on? It better not be too many more because my liver just told me to go screw myself. I heard it. I think Patron should sponsor this blog. That only seems fair. I am going to go watch Jersey Belle again to cleanse my reality palette and get my eyes to stop bleeding.  VH1 should be embarrassed. This is worse than Flavor of Love. Even Bret Michaels was better at keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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