August 19, 2011 | 3:03 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Week three of Jersey Shore in Italy is once again brilliant. Knowing there is no such thing as unscripted reality television, Jersey Shore shines in a sea of dullness because no matter how much MTV might try to stir up drama to make good television, the personalities of these kids shine and translate into an authentic view that we don’t see on other train wrecks. By shining personalities of course I mean all the booze throws scripts out the window.
We begin with Mike sending his whore home in a cab. Ronnie and Snooks go to the gym for a work out but they get lost on the way so they stop to eat first. Sammi and Deena are also out to eat and Deena sets her eyes on a young Italian. Ronnie and Snooks find the gym and the old guy working there is a pervert who is hitting on our little Snookie. He gets excited and during one exercise she can “feel his wiener”. I love Snooki.
Cabs are called and the gang is going to the club. Watching them dance is hilarious. Who dances like that? Ronnie is having a ball and Sammi is wasted and wanting to have a deep conversation. She is a hot mess, and drunk or sober, this girl has zero personality. She is a wet blanket and I hope Ronnie does not get sucked back in to going out with her. If he does take her back, then he is an idiot, and deserves her as punishment for being so dumb.
Deena is making out with the waiter she met earlier in the day. Mike is with the whore from the night before, only now her twin sister has joined in. Mike is “twinning” and tells the girls they are coming home with him, but they are only his back up plan, should he not meet anyone better. Why these young girls don’t run the other way when they see this guy approaching is mind bogging. He has slept with so many people it is fascinating.
Mike is hitting on Snooki and it’s weird. He’s old enough to be her dad. Deena brings home the young Italian and Pauly and Vinny are making fun of her, she is screaming and yelling at them, then the guy wants to bail, she tells him to stay, and as soon as she is sleeping he slips out. Poor Deena. She didn’t want to go in the smoosh room, just cuddle, so she was in their room and they wanted her out. It was lame. She needs to switch rooms.
Brittney, the whore who made out with Mike, keeps calling and we appear to have a new stalker on our hands. She keeps calling and Pauly, Vinny and Ronnie, keep hanging up on her. It is hilarious. Ronnie answers and pretends to be Mike. He tells her to come over with her sister so they can eat. She is so dumb she cannot tell it’s not Mike and agrees to come over. The guys think it is brilliant and they wait for Mike to get pranked.
The twins arrive and Snooki is confused why they are there in the daytime. Classic. They go up to Mike’s room and he is shocked to see them. He is not sure what to do, but hand it to him for being nice, he tells them they can go out to eat. Everyone else gets home and the guys are cracking up because Mike does not know how they got there, or remembers anything about the night before. But he is working on securing a threesome.
Sammi and Ronnie go out to eat and she tells him she loves him, wants to get back together, and she will never hurt him again. It’s disgusting. She tells us she has not felt this happy in 20 years. She looks at the view, tells Ron it’s “romantical”, and his response is a heartfelt belch. They watch the sunset, she goes to kiss him, and he tells her she needs an Altoid. Oh young love. These two are pathetic and don’t deserve to be in Italy.
Ronnie tells Snooks he and Sammi are back together. It’s weird because he does not seem too excited about it. Everyone is laughing at them because there is just no way these two should be a couple. Pauly reminds us that he said if they got back together he was going to kill himself. Don’t do it Pauly! They will be broken up by the time you leave Italy. The gang heads out to a club. The dancing is fantastic and The Situation is creepy.
Snooki lets us know that one of the twins is a virgin, and the other one is a whore. Mike is looking to ruin lives and hopes to get his threesome in. As he is with the two girls, Deena goes over and starts making out with one of them, which Mike is none too happy about. Deena lets us know it’s okay because sometimes, when you’re drunk, you kiss girls. These twins are going to watch these shows and want to kill themselves. So not cute.
The girls are wasted and Snooki, though not “lesbionic”, thinks they are hot. Deena takes one twin into her room, and Mike has the other one, who happens to be the virgin. It’s so wrong, but I can’t turn it off. Back in the kitchen, Ronnie, Sammi and JWoww are eating and Ronnie tells them that Mike told him he slept with Snooki. Jenny is pissed off and goes to find Snooki so she can tell her about the crap Mike is stirring up.
Mike leaves the virgin in his room and goes outside to smoke with Snooki. Deena leaves the whore twin and goes to eat, so the whore goes to make out with Vinny. She is hammered. Deena goes to get her and the girl falls out of bed and hits her head. If I was the mother to those twins there would be a lot screaming going on in my house right now. Jersey Shore can be a teaching tool for young women about what not to do when out drinking.
Jenny calls Snooki over and tells her that Mike is telling everyone they slept together. It’s odd because Snooki is denying it like crazy, but Jenny told her in a way that would imply she knew it was true, and so I’m thinking Snooki probably did sleep with Mike, and is now panicking because she does not want to lose her boyfriend, since the dalliance happened while she was already dating him. Oh what a tangled web we weave.
I’d like to think Snooki is telling the truth because the pig factor on Mike is so high. Snooki is losing her mind, screaming at Mike, and calling him a liar. She is telling Mike she is no longer his friend and will never talk to him again, but Mike is standing by it, saying he does not lie, and in watching this confrontation it looks to me like Snooki slept with Mike and thought the secret would never come out. Snooks is not looking good on this one.
Deena is making out with the whore twin, but in the middle decides she cannot do it, so the whore gets out of her bed, crawls into Vinny’s bed, which by the way is in the same room, and sleeps with him. Dear Lord. I’m so over the twin whores. Snooki is still yelling at Mike, then goes to smoke. She is sitting with Ronnie and Jenny, and telling them she did not cheat. Then Jenny gets up and walks away, presumably because she knows Snooki is lying.
Snooki is not crying, just yelling. She is more angry than upset so it looks like she is lying on this one. Mike is a pig and a whore, but his demeanor says he is telling the truth. Ronnie is advising Snooki to call her boyfriend and tell him everything so he does not find out from anyone other than her. Now Snookie is crying and Jenny tells her it will be okay and she knows Mike is lying. I’m so confused about who to believe. This is great television.
Who is the liar? I want it to be Mike. Next week looks BRILLIANT. There is fighting, yelling, loving, crying and punching. I cannot wait. I am certain I could Google the story of Snooki and Mike to know what really happened, but I don’t want to know! I want MTV to unravel the mess for me so I am not going to investigate. I am loving this show and know that in the end, either Mike or Snooki will be forced to suck it up, and keep it real.
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