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I’m Passing on Real Housewives of Miami

by Ilana Angel

September 20, 2012 | 11:08 am

Photo provided by Bravo

The city of Miami is back in the housewife business and so I’m back in too. To be honest with you, I watched the first season but did not blog about it, and frankly don’t remember that much about it.  I was surprised to see it was coming back.  There is a mixture of new and old cast members.  Since this is my first blog of the season, I will try to be kind.  By try of course I mean it is going to be really hard to like some of these chicks.

We start with Marysol who is a returning housewife, although she is not even a housewife.  She brings along her mother Elsa, who is simply divine.  Elsa has had some unfortunate plastic surgery and it’s sad.  Someone butchered this poor woman and what is fascinating is that Marysol seems to be on the same path.  She looks inflated and frozen.  Last season ended with her getting married, and this season starts with her getting divorced.

Next up is Ana.  She is new.  She has been separated for two years but is best friends with her husband and he is always around.  She is a little odd.  Trying to be the hardcore tough girl, but she is more strange than tough. We find out that while her ex hangs around, he has a new girlfriend.  She has a Cuban accent, but only sometimes.  She is trying too hard and I don’t find her interesting or particularly attractive.  Again, she’s odd.

Ana goes to visit Marysol, who is talking to her mother.  I love Elsa but this is another perfect example of Bravo crossing a line.  Elsa is being humiliated and it is not cool.  We watch Ana and Marysol have a scripted conversation, then we are off to meet Karent.  She is a new housewife, Columbian, a dentist, and an obvious fame whore.  I am instantly not a fan and think she probably lies about how old she is.  She is also made of plastic.

Karent is dating some Latin soap opera star.  He is a pig and totally cheating on her.  So obvious.  She lives at home with her parents and they are not fans of her boyfriend.  He is lame, makes dumb jokes, and bores me.  We leave Karent and are off to see Lea.  She is back from last time and she is horrible.  She is an old hag, who married well, and is a total butch.  She does not belong in this group and I don’t get why they had her return.

Next we have another new girl, Lisa.  Dear Lord.  This chick is a blow up doll. She is married to a plastic surgeon and I honestly cannot stand to listen to her.  She is annoying, rather stupid, and her face looks painful.  I don’t know how old she is, but she has had enough plastic surgery for 12 women.   Her husband is a pig and thinks her “face matches her ass”.  Truth.  This chick is enough to make me not want to watch this show.


Joanna is up next.  She is new to the show, but not new to all of us. She is a model and truly gorgeous.  She is a little full of herself, but she is her own business so I get it.  Her sister works for her which you know has got to suck.  Ugly sister syndrome is at play.  Sad because the sister is quite pretty.  Joanna is engaged to a guy named Roman and once you see him, before he even says a word, you know he is a douchelord.

Adriana is up.  She is the art dealer from last season and she is horrible. She is obnoxious, whiny, and in love with herself.  She is still dating the same guy that has a dirty troll vibe.  They are remodeling a yacht so they can live on it and it’s stupid.  Why am I watching these chicks?  This one is a loon and her fiancé is an idiot.  I would be embarrassed if I was them.  Not even speaking French can class up these two.

We are with Marysol and Elsa and I have nothing to say.  I think Elsa is being taken advantage of for a few laughs.  She is clearly medicated, not well, and inherently kind.  I am not writing about her scenes.  In fact, if we are going to be totally honest, I’m not going to be blogging this show beyond this first episode.  I just can’t do it.  There is not enough wine in the world to make this show watchable beyond the first hour.

All the women are together for a party and it is ridiculous.  They are starting the season fractured and so why would we want to watch?  There are no nice friendships here.  It’s all for show and the show is not good.  At the party Elsa is not feeling good and Joanna is sweet to her.  Elsa faints and Joanna says it’s because she was overcome by energy instead of the fact she is high on medication.   I like Joanna, but not enough to watch.

It will be a season of back stabbing, sleeping with each other’s men, surgery, and power plays.  Bravo has lost it.  It went from brilliant reality television to a bunch of Jerry Springer/Maury wannabes.  I watched, I blogged, I’m done.  The only way I will watch again is if I am drunk and cannot find he remote control.  Sadly, that happens a lot due to Bravo.  I’m out because nobody in Miami is keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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