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If Admission is Recovery: My Name is Ilana & I Hate Bachelorette Ashley

by Ilana Angel

June 27, 2011 | 11:04 pm

To be clear, I don’t hate her.  Hate is too harsh and I don’t know her.  I can say however, that the person we are seeing on television, and reading interviews with, makes me want to push her down a flight of stairs.  I wouldn’t want anything bad to happen of course.  Maybe just break both her legs so they can be reset and her unfortunate situation could be repaired.

It would be a win, win.  She would get straight legs and I would get the satisfaction of saying I pushed the dumbest woman in America down a flight of stairs.  What’s so fascinating about Ashley is that you can substitute “dumbest” for so many other great things.  She is also the most insecure, delusional, ridiculous, annoying and most in need of a toothpick and shampoo.

The only thing more annoying on this show than Ashley is Chris Harrison. Dear Lord this guy is useless on this show.  I am one minute in and I seriously want to stick my hand down my own throat and remove my own kidney than watch this train wreck.  That said, I cannot stop.  I am willing a power outage and while the remote is right next to me, I can’t turn it off.

Ashley is talking about how her heart is in the United States with Bentley. Is she high?  That’s not a question as much as a statement.  Ashley is high. Her fake crying upon hearing that Bentley is there is pathetic.  Bentley is a pig who scored a free trip to Hong Kong to see a chick he hates, making him brilliant and reality television perfection.  Ashley is a major loser.

Important to note that I am at minute 7 of this crap fest and sitting on my couch with a bottle of wine and only one kidney.  Ashley is walking to Bentley’s room and you could park a bus between her legs.  She thinks there is a risk she might get hurt by Bentley today.  Really?  If Ashley were an animal she would need to be put down right because there is no helping her.

Bentley opens the door and she kisses him.  Awkward. Bentley is lying and I am cracking up.  She says it’s been so hard and he says it has been for him too. Sidebar:  If The Bachelorette production budget can afford to fly Bentley to Hong Kong, then why can’t they buy Ashley some Chapstick?  I am praying to come across Ashley standing on a staircase.  P-R-A-Y-I-N-G.

Bentley is humiliated that he had to do this for the producers, who are clearly smoking crack. They are crazy if they think for one minute we think he wanted to be there, or that she would be able to sit with him without crying.  She is a loser, they are losers, and Bentley, who was brilliant, now looks like a loser too. We are the most stupid for watching this crap.

Lucas gets the first on-on-one date.  He is a cowboy who is in a big city for the first time.  They are on a boat, cruising by the Hong Kong skyline, and she is playing with her bangs and picking her teeth with her tongue.  Lucas is divorced and spilling the details of his broken heart and it’s simply not attractive.  He needs to go home, but the skank gives him a rose.

It’s group date time and they are dragon boat racing.  Ames and Mickey, against twins Constantine and Ben, against Ryan and Blake.  This date pushed the lame envelope to the limit.  I tend to fantasize when watching this show and for this particular episode it was of Godzilla coming up from the water and eating Ashley, then spitting her out in disgust, after eating only her legs.

It’s group dinner, minute 48, and Ashley has said the name Bentley over 40 times.  She is going off to be alone with Ames and her legs are killing me.  I hope she dumps him and he is the next Bachelor.  Of course if he keeps kissing her he will be tainted with her stupidity and I will fall out of love with him.  He is so sweet and incredibly smart, but painfully dumb.

She ends her kissing with Ames by kissing Ben.  She then goes off with Ryan. The men are bagging on Ryan and hoping he gets the boot, but instead he gets a rose and everyone threatens to leave.  Dear God, please make my power go out from now until 10:00 pm PST.  Oh and one more thing, let my kidney be okay until I can get to the hospital just after 10:00 pm PST.

JP is on his one-on-one dinner date.  I think he is so great but cannot figure out why he digs her.  He’s too cute to be with someone so dumb.  He is telling her he likes her and she just keeps on eating her dinner, picking her teeth with her tongue, puckering her dry and crusty lips, and playing with her bangs.  Does Godzilla ever go into the city and search parks for victims?

Skank tells JP that she spoke with Bentley. He is surprised, but a total mensch.  I love Jewish boys.  She is going on and on about how hard it was when Bentley left, and I am screaming at my television for Ashley to shut up. Seriously, SHUT UP.  Why won’t she stop talking?  She wants to be 100% honest with him so that he knows everything that is going on with her.

Is she mentally challenged?  Does she not realize that he is going to watch the show and see that she was a pathetic loser who was in love with someone after 5 minutes, and talking about his leaving like she was going to die? Really Ashley? Run JP.  Run away from this girl.  You deserve better and should start praying this is the last rose she gives you.  Pray!

It’s the cocktail party before the rose ceremony, and Ashley is going to tell them all Bentley came to Hong Kong.  She is certain they will all react like JP did. She tells them, they are pissed, I’m on my 3rd glass of wine and want to cut myself.  Lucas is pissed and I love him for speaking his mind.  Blake is pissed and Ryan goes over to kiss her ass and pretend he is cool with it all.

She tells Ames and he is lovely but she does not understand what he is saying because she is too busy trying to look contemplative, but instead looking constipated.  Lucas has a rose but he wants to bail.  Blake is pissed, then she starts fake crying and playing with her bangs and he feels bad.  I am now pulling out my teeth with pliers.  One at a time, starting in the back.

Mickey is ticked off and thinks he should go home if she was into Bentley. He asks her to please send him home.  She tells him to be a man and just go, so he does.  Awesome. Lucas is a pussy and stays after he said he would bail. She is sniffing and crying but there are no tears.  Where are the tears Ashley?  I’m thinking she fakes more than just crying.

Ashley is crying to Chris Harrison and her right eyelash looks like it’s going to fall off which would be great.  Chris is rambling on and on and I am now hoping I see him on some stairs too.  I am pouring another glass of wine and the cats are now eating my kidney, which has fallen onto the floor.  I’ve been focused on her legs and just noticed tonight that she has no upper lip.

It’s the rose ceremony and only one will go home since Mickey bailed. The dramatic music is making me sick.  The final rose goes to Ames, which is good because the longer he stays around the better his chances are of being the next Bachelor.  Dentist Blake is going home and appears to be surprised.  He’s talking about Bentley too, which makes me want to vomit.

Blake says he is looking for a friend and leaves sounding like a moron.  It’s down to six and they are moving on to Taiwan.  Then they go to Fiji for the most dramatic rose ceremony ever!  There is crying, and her heart is broken, and we are all going to want to impale ourselves.  Sadly, we are addicts so there’s no going back.  All we can do is watch, and keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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