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Jewish Journal

Christmas with the Real Housewives of New Jersey

by Ilana Angel

July 23, 2014 | 12:02 pm

Tonight's typos brought to you by Mr. Jose Cuervo.

It is Christmas in New Jersey. I get it is hard to carve out a season of television from thousands of hours of footage, but to watch December in July is silly. They need to turn this shit around faster. We begin at Teresa’s and I am surprised to see she uses an artificial tree. The smell of a fresh Christmas tree is awesome and these plastic things are lame. I’m Jewish so I don’t have a Christmas tree, but if I did it would not be plastic. The fresh forest smell is worth pine needles on the floor.

Teresa is happy to have a quiet Christmas away from the public during her legal troubles. She says it to a camera however, which is funny, as is Milania. Over to Melissa, she also has a fake tree. She’s fake, so it makes sense. They are in a rental while building their dream house. Poor girl has to suffer through the nightmare of a rental. What a brave little soldier she is. Time to visit with the new girls. Important to note I am not a fan of the new chicks and not sure I ever will be.

Twins Teresa and Nicole are decorating for the holidays with their parents. They also have a fake tree. What is going on in NJ with the plastic trees? Their mother’s name is Santa, which is awesome. Grandpa Sal says tradition is what keeps society alive and points out the Hebrews and Chinese are the only people who have never changed their tradition. It struck me as a very cute thing to say. He is old school Italian and wants the traditions of his family to continue through generations.

Jumping to Amber, she is decorating gingerbread houses and it bugs me she says she has four kids. She has two kids and two step-kids. It is disrespectful to the mother of her stepchildren that she calls them her kids. Knock that shit off. At Dina’s she puts a tree out for animals to eat, which is awesome. Interesting that Dina is with her mom Nettie. Nettie never filmed with Caroline. Her sister Fran is there, and she shot with Caroline, so it makes me wonder what exactly is going on.

Back at Teresa’s she is talking with Joe about the court issues, in front of their kids. That pisses me off. Juicy is worried and fearful, and I know kids need to know what is happening, but to capture it on film is wrong. These kids need some peace and perhaps if they thought about them a little more when he broke the law, he wouldn’t be in so much trouble. Just saying. I’m a fan of Juicy and solidly on Team Teresa, but for them to continue to hurt their kids in this way hurts my feelings as a mother.

Dina is having lunch with Nicole, who thinks they have a lot in common since she is divorced and Dina soon will be. Nicole is more Jersey Shore J Woww than housewife, but whatever. She is probably harmless and hopefully not too annoying. Her voice is a nails on a chalkboard, but she means well.  Dina is scared by the changes in her life, and Nicole talks in code about why her marriage ended. She is living back with her parents, which is sad to me, but begs for an opinion to be formed about her ex.

Amber is doing a fire drill with her family because Christmas is dangerous. She’s a kook but I love her. She says she survived cancer and September 11th. Really? How did she survive September 11th? I’d like a little clarification on that. Jumping to Melissa, Joe takes her and the kids to see the lot where they are building their house. Melissa admits that she didn’t move to keep her kids away from Teresa’s but to be closer to Joe’s work. Proof Melissa Gorga is a pathological fame whoring liar.

Teresa and Dina come by to see the lot and Melissa and Dina talk nothing while Joe shows Teresa the plans. Teresa tells Joe someone at Costco said they were praying for her and she was touched. Joe says he is not sure what to say about what is happening with the legal stuff. He won’t ask her about the case, but is there for her should she want to talk about it. Teresa shares that only Gia knows what is going on with her parents. Teresa and Joe are perfect. Shame about Melissa.

Over with Twin Teresa, she is working on a new restaurant. Her voice is very annoying and fascinating that it is just like her sisters. Twins are weird. Not these twins specifically, but twins in general. There is some guy there to work with her and she is flirting up a storm. Teresa is fond of telling us what rocks her world. Ugh. She is also fond of sharing she is rich. Ugh. Her son Giovanni wants to join the family restaurant business and follow in the footsteps of his father. This family is cute but not cute.

Some chick that works at the restaurant makes a joke about Hitler and we are reminded how ignorant some of these people are. Do not make jokes about Hitler. It is not funny. Dumbass. It is time for a group dinner for the cousins. Melissa, Joe, Kathy, Rich, Teresa, Juicy, and Rosie. Melissa is talking about Teresa like she knows stuff when she knows nothing. I’m not a fan of Kathy and Rich, but love Rosie. Juicy and Tre run late and Juicy is not thrilled about going, but Teresa is happy to be with family.

Rosie says she is praying for Tre and Juicy and I believe her. I don’t think Rich or Kathy have good will for them, and I think Melissa is being nice in the event they go to prison and it results in more camera time for her. She is transparent. They share silly gifts and while cute, I’m bored. We jump to dinner at the twins and Poppa Sal is the highlight of this family. The cooking looks great, the prayer from Sal is nice, Teresa’s husband is the new Rich, and I am still on the fence with these new chicks.

It is Christmas morning and Tre and Juicy give the girls a dog. Dina is throwing rocks into a creek with Lexi, to encourage their wishes to come true. Nicole gets a wine bottle holder from her boyfriend Bobby. Not good. At Melissa’s, she is struggling to put on a good face even though she is living in the squalor of a rental. She is so dumb. Joe feels pressure to build the house fast so his wife can stop bitching. They go to play in the snow and we are reminded Joe is the star of this family.

Tre and Juicy exchange cards and it is heartbreaking to watch them go through this. It was brought on by them of course, but one can still feel compassion. It is taking a long time for the sentencing in their case and it makes me wonder why. There is a clearly a plea deal happening and I can’t tell if the show will help or hurt the outcome. Next week things are going to get ugly, which is the New Jersey way. Teresa reportedly got paid 700K for the season, so let’s hope she can keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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