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Celebrity Apprentice – Let the Meltdowns Begin

by Ilana Angel

April 2, 2012 | 9:21 pm

Aubrey O'VEY!

We start the show with Clay giving his winning check to his charity.  It’s sweet and Clay is doing important work, but truly, this is the nicest we have seen Clay this whole season.  His fans have been writing to tell me I don’t get him and he will win me over.  I appreciate their support of him, but no matter if he wins me over or not, he has been bitchy up to now.  Period.

This weeks task is to make a Celebrity New York City guidebook that they will then sell.  Teresa Guidice is the PM, which is awesome, but Aubrey immediately predicts she will be a disaster.  There is nothing cute about Aubrey.  Dee Snider is project manager for the men.  There will be a celebrity guest judge for this task and we’ll see who it is later.

Teresa is talking about bringing in money, and Debbie is complaining that it’s Teresa’s job to bring in the money not her.  I really want this loser to get kicked off.  Dee is also pushing for money but the men are supportive.  The men are cohesive and the women are a bitch fest. Wait, I spoke too soon.  Clay is a bitch and should play with the women.

Debbie is bitching. Lisa is bitching.  Aubrey is bitching.  Clay is bitching. This show should be called Celebrity Bitch.  Teresa is working but the three evil stepsisters, Debbie, Lisa and Aubrey, are complaining about everything. They complain about Teresa not doing the right thing, but rather than help her, they sabotage her. Teresa sees what is happening and she’s ready.

Arsenio realizes he has no friends, which is entertaining, but Lisa is out of control.  She is so jealous of Dayana she loses her mind and has a nervous breakdown while dumping all over her.  She is crying because she worked so hard, and then says the pretty girls are talentless because they are so pretty.  Dear Lord, it is brilliant.  Lisa is a bitter hag who needs a drink.

The books are done and the selling has begun.  The books are being sold for $5.  Michael Andretti comes in and buys one for $20K, a couple more big checks come in, but Arsenio’s check from Jay Leno is not in and he’s going to look like a loser.  Well he would look like a loser if this was not scripted television and Leno’s check was not going to arrive with seconds to spare.

Clay is never going to like anything Penn does, which is getting old. Leno’s money does in fact not arrive in time so Arsenio has raised nothing. The big celebrity judge is Regis Philbin.  I don’t care if Reg is reading the phone book, he is entertaining.  I love him, miss him on TV, and was happy to see him here.  He should be a contestant not a guest judge.

Everyone is attacking Dayana, and once again Lisa is losing her mind.  The jealousy these freaks have for Dayana is hilarious.  Debbie is saying Teresa failed as a project manager.  Debbie says Teresa is not professional, then Teresa questions Debbie professionalism by wearing a top with her boobs hanging out.  Debbie says she is dressed like a pop singer.

Really?  Debbie is dressed like a hooker not a pop star. This show is finally getting good.  The women lose the task by a whopping $14 and it’s a drag because I wanted Teresa to win.  Arsenio brought in no money, but they still won and he’s lucky because he would have been fired for sure.  It’s time to fight it out and this might better than a table flip.

Teresa takes Dayana and Debbie into the boardroom and it’s a shame because Aubrey brought in the least amount of money and should have gotten canned. Best part is Teresa talking about Debbie being a has been. Debbie is annoyed, refuses to hug Teresa goodbye, and tells us she was not fired for being Debbie Gibson.  Only in her dreams!

Important to note that I have been complaining for weeks that this show is 2 hours long because it clearly should only be 1 hour.  I just realized that is it is actually 3 hours this week and I want to scream.  Instead I am pouring myself some wine, firmly placing my finger on the fast forward button, and settling in for what will feel like another four hours.

Dee gives his winnings to March of Dime and we are ready for our next task. The teams are split up into co-ed groups.  Arsenio is stuck with Aubrey, who he hates, and Lisa is stuck with Dayana, who she hates.  It’s a task about a walking program for Walgreens with Lou leading his new team and Arsenio finally taking on project manager and leading his new team.

Paul, Teresa, Aubrey, Clay, and Arsenio are one team and Aubrey is giving me a headache. She will not stop talking.  She has it out for Arsenio and it’s weird to watch.  The executives from Walgreens arrive to meet the team and Aubrey steps all over Arsenio’s toes and he clearly hates her as much as she hates him.  We might actually get entertained tonight!

Lisa, Dee, Lou, Dayana, and Penn are the other team.  The men love Dayana and it is pissing Lisa off even more.  Lou wants to be the star, again, and Penn thinks it’s a bad idea, again.  Back with Arsenio’s team, Aubrey is a bulldozer and she is flattening everything and everyone who gets in her way, especially her leader.  I want to cut this chick’s tongue out.

Aubrey calls Arsenio a has been, then in taking everyone’s picture for the project, takes an ugly shot of Arsenio.  On the other side, Penn leaves for a show and Lisa is bummed.  Dee loves Dayana and Lisa is pissed.  She simply cannot stand it that Dayana is young and beautiful.  Donald Jr. comes in and she is throwing daggers at Dee for his praise of gorgeous Dayana.

Arsenio does not like the picture she took and Aubrey essentially says he is ugly, the picture looks like him, and therefore he should come to terms with the fact that he is ugly.  Eric comes in to check on the team and Aubrey is talking as if she is the leader.  She realizes she is taking over, Arsenio confirms she is, and she takes a step back but is pissed about it.

Thanks to my Merlot, I have convinced myself they will fire one person from each team, and it will be Lisa and Aubrey.  I love me some Merlot.  Lisa is insisting the gorgeous Dayana does not wear a bikini.  She then tells Dee that she is pissed he supported Dayana because she is a moron and he needs to realize she is an idiot.  Lisa is a complete and total bitch.

Lou’s team is doing a great job, then Penn calls Walgreen’s Walmart and it’s awesome.  There is an awkward silence, but Dayana steps in and saves the moment.  It was a good presentation, even with the mistake, and even though the packaging and branding was not great, overall they did well. Dayana and Lou did great.  The judges like it a lot and we are off to the next one.

Arsenio’s team present a game show with him as the host and it’s cool.  They nail it in terms of their packaging and the presentation.  Teresa is cute, Paul is moving, Clay is fun, and Aubrey is a stupid skank.  I really hope they lose though so that Arsenio and Aubrey can get into a huge fight, he can call her out for being a bitch and she can get fired.  I love Merlot.

Lisa tells Trump Lou is a bad manager and Lou defends himself.  Penn stays out of the fight, Dee defends Penn for leaving for part of the task. Clay says Teresa is a better team player than Aubrey, and Arsenio says Aubrey is difficult but in a super nice way.  He then slams her by implying that rather than being full of ideas, she is full of crap. And so it begins.

Lou’s team admits Arsenio’s team had better packaging, then Aubrey takes credit for all of it and Arsenio finally blows.  He says she did not write it all and he is pissed.  Lisa is clearly uncomfortable and it’s freaking awesome.  Arsenio and Aubrey are now full on fighting.  Arsenio says she is all about her and he is right.  Aubrey is a freak.

The executives loved the look of what Arsenio did, but did not think the message was not delivered.  Arsenio is calling Aubrey selfish and this is the best this show has been all season.  Clay tells Trump he agrees with Arsenio.  Aubrey starts crying and asks Teresa for back up then Trump calls her out and tells her to leave Teresa out of it.  Fan-freaking-tastic.

The executives hated the Walmart slip on Lou’s team, and hated the look of their packaging.  Arsenio wins and he cries to have won the money and it’s very sweet.  Damn it that Aubrey gets to stay, but Mazel to Arsenio.  I am totally crushing on him right now.  I’m guessing Dee or Penn will get fired and that’s too bad because I love them both.

Aubrey is threatening to quit and I am praying she does.  We see the final commercial for the Walgreen’s walk program with Arsenio, Alison Sweeney and Magic Johnson.  It’s a great program.  Arsenio is crying and talking about his cousin who died of AIDS and it’s touching.  Meanwhile Lou is disappointed he lost and insistent that he is not the one to be fired.

Lou immediately throws Dee under the bus.  Lou is sweet but a bit of a goof. Lisa says it should be Dayana that should be fired.  Lou brings Dee and Dayana back into the boardroom and defends his choice to not bring Penn, even though he made a huge mistake.  Aubrey has still not shown up and Arsenio is going off on her again.  I really, really hope she quits.

Arsenio is dropping F Bombs all over Aubrey and he now looks like a crazy person.  A crazy person I love.  Dayana has no clue why everyone hates her. Dee and Lou are fighting it out and in the end Dee gets fired for designing the box, which is what lost the task for them.  I dig Dee and while Lou is a bit odd, it was the right choice.  Lou can go though.

This is the first week of this season that was actually good and next week looks even better.  Maybe it just took a while to get its stride going, but I’m happy to see it finally happening.  I am looking forward to more fireworks, happy Teresa is still in, and am in for at least another week. I will continue to blog as long as Trump can keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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