Jewish Journal

Celebrity Apprentice Catch Up

by Ilana Angel

March 30, 2012 | 9:09 am

It has been a couple of weeks since I recapped Celebrity Apprentice.  I watch it, but must tell you writing about it has been hard.  There is simply no reason for this show to be two hours long.  It is slow, drags along, and has so many annoying celebrities that it’s painful.  By celebrities of course I mean some people who used to be famous, and one in particular, Aubrey O’Day, who is more famous in her own mind than in reality..

So here I am, with another episode coming on Sunday, so I much catch up with a double blog.  I am going to speed through the last two weeks so I am ready to go on Sunday night.  In the interest of full disclosure, let me state a couple of things up front:  I love Teresa.  I also think Debbie is a bitch, Aubrey is an idiot, Clay is mean, Lou needs to go, and am certain the reason the men don’t like Penn is because of penis envy.  Okay, let’s go!

The task from March 18 is to create a video for a mop.  Lou is going to lead the men and Tia is PM for the women.  Lou needs to go home. He’s annoying, which is a shame because he’s also lovely, but I liked him more when I knew nothing about him.  Tia has no shot in hell because Aubrey the vulture is going to eat her alive.  Normally vultures wait until you are dead, but Aubrey is dumb and evil so she is going to eat her in front of everyone.

The women are going to focus on making something sexy, and the men are going for funny.  Lisa comes up with the theme for the women and it’s about comparing how many lovers you’ve had to how many mops you have had.  Dayana is a perv and it’s fabulous.  With the men, Lou wants to be a super hero but Penn is not into it.  Penn is smart, funny, charming, still famous, and probably wears a size 17 shoe, so the men don’t dig him.

Clay feels like everyone, Penn, is setting Lou up to fail, so he let’s everyone know.  Does Clay color his hair?  The orange looks a little clownish.  Why does he wear so much makeup?  There is no way this guy is not in full makeup with a double dose of blush.  I know people love him, but he’s mean.  Is it just me or is does anyone else think Clay is the Barry Manilow of his generation?  They are one in the same to me.

Tia refuses to do anything Aubrey suggests which is awesome. Aubrey is horrific.  From her hair, to her clothes, to her attitude, to her whorish make-up, there is nothing cool about this ridiculous girl.  The men refuse to do anything Penn says and it’s very high school mean girl.  Clay and Arsenio are forming an alliance as if they are on Survivor and it’s hilarious.  By hilarious of course I mean lame.  Grow up boys.

Aubrey seems to think this is her show.  She got fired by Diddy, and is going to get fired here.  Dayana realizes the actual product they are supposed to be selling, a mop, is not mentioned anywhere in their video and rather than tell Tia, the other women just whisper about it.  I appreciate these are “famous” people and the egos are of epic proportion, but their insecurities dwarf their egos.

Sidebar:  All the Trump children are clones of their dad.  It is really fascinating to watch Donald Jr. because he is so much like his dad.  I like the Trump kids.  Well I did like them all until I found out Donald Jr. and Eric are murderers.  Their killing spree in Africa was disgusting and they should be ashamed of themselves.  Killing animals for sport can damage your image boys.  Just ask Sarah Palin.

Debbie Gibson gets friendly with Aubrey and together they give me a severe lower back pain.  They are impossible to watch individually, so together it’s overwhelming.  Tia sees Aubrey and Debbie have not included Dayana and asks them to include her, so Lisa looses her mind.  She does not think everyone needs to be included. She is painfully jealous of how beautiful Dayana is and it’s ugly.

Lisa is a lunatic and a raging bitch.  She may be a comedienne but she is not happy.  She goes off on a tangent and makes a fool of herself.  With the men, Penn is still sulking because the boys don’t like him.  Clay explains to Penn it’s not personal, but Penn is paranoid.  This show brings out the inner mean girl in everyone, male and female. Clay’s blush is distracting and I can’t hear what he is saying.

The women finally give Dayana a task, and it is to order flowers.  She is told to order red peonies, but her accent makes it sound like she is ordering penises.  We are relying on penis jokes for entertainment?  Come on Trump.  Make this show an hour.  The men present their video and it’s crap.  The women present their video and it’s crap.  I would not watch either one of these videos online.

O-Cedar has been around for 100 years and Celebrity Apprentice just crapped all over them by making pure garbage. We are now in the boardroom and there are still 45 minute to go.  Everyone is bickering, throwing each other under the bus, and it is simply not entertaining.  It’s the same 45 minutes every week and I’m bored. This is what makes it so hard to blog about.  It’s too predictable.

I’m sure if I watched 45 minutes of the boardroom I would find some blogging gold, but I can’t do it.  It’s embarrassing to the celebrities that they are behaving like children, and embarrassing to Trump because he is fawning over people I doubt he even knows.  In the end the men win.  Important to note that Trump trying to psych out the men into thinking they lost is absolutely pitiful.

Aubrey is being nasty and the meaner she becomes the more Trump flirts with her.  Everyone is saying Dayana is the weakest player, but Tia should be fired.  Then in an attempt to save her friend, Patricia says Teresa is the weakest link.  I love Teresa so this chick better step off.  Aubrey says she is young and fresh, and Tia is old and lame. Tia is fired and we are onto the next episode.

The task from March 25 is to plan a party for Crystal Light.  Aubrey O’Vey is leading the women and Clay is leading the men.  Aubrey should seriously consider changing her last name to O’Vey!  Aubrey kisses ass of the Crystal Light execs and Clay tries to make a joke about Aubrey that includes sex and stripper pole but it falls flat.  He is awkward when discussing women is cute.

Crystal Light wants something fun so the men go for the fun, but the women are not quite getting it and are doing a Garden of Eden theme.  Penn is still sulking about last week, Aubrey is the boss and Teresa is stepping up to the plate because she knows how to throw a party. Debbie is singing.  Again.  Does she really think a Crystal light jingle is going to get her a world tour?

Patricia says working with Lisa and Aubrey is the most damaging human behavior she has ever seen in her entire life and while I am not exactly sure why, I think it is the funniest thing I have ever heard.  Penn is trying to be a team player but Clay is thrilled he is gone.  Clay has an evil laugh when it comes to Penn, which I find entertaining.  Watching them plan reminds us the show should be an hour.

The men throw Penn under the bus with Ivanka, and Aubrey is flirting with Donald Jr. in a totally creepy way.  Patricia blames all of the ladies losses on Aubrey and Lisa.  Clay is going to sing at their party and think what you want about this man, but he can really sing.  Cut to Debbie singing her jingle and I want to slit my wrists.  There is not enough wine in my house to allow me to listen.

Sidebar:  Clay is clean shaven for the entire task, up to the time they are setting up the room, yet when the party starts he has a beard. Really?  We all know these reality shows are fake, but when there are mistakes in editing that are so clear, you simply have to laugh at how silly these shows are and laugh at ourselves that we all watch them and love them.

The men’s party looks like a blast but the women’s party looks boring.  Pretty, but boring, Then Debbie sings and I cannot take it.  I need her to go.  Clay sings at his party and it’s fabulous.  I need him to go too, but he can sing. Once again we are forced into a 45 minute boardroom. Aubrey is certain she won and Patricia tells Trump the team was awesome which we know she does not really think.

Lisa says she is 99% sure they won and so you know they are going to lose. Trump asks Gibson to sing and I want to punch him in the face.  Trump is flirting with Aubrey so I need to skip over it for fear I might choke on my own vomit.  The men are united, Arsenio wears a Trump tie for bonus points, and I am praying this show was only an hour.  It would be killer if they cut out 60 minutes of crap.

The men win.  They are thrilled and the women are shocked.  Aubrey is crying and I feel the need to punch something. Aubrey tells trump he will break her heart if they lose, and he tells her heart is broken because they lost.  Perfection.  Then Trump wrecks the whole thing by giving her charity $10K.  Really?  Just because she cried does not mean she should get the money.  Nice for charity, but not fair.

The firing process is stupid in a regular episode, but to have it with Aubrey crying is too much.  Patricia is fired.  She complained to the camera in private but kept her mouth shut in the boardroom so good she is gone.  A double blog is exhausting but I’m caught up!  The good news is the preview for this week looks brilliant.  I could be wrong, but either way I’ll watch, I’ll blog, and always keep it real.


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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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