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Cancel The Bachelorette & Give Us The Bentley Show!

by Ilana Angel

June 7, 2011 | 9:25 am

In the interest of keeping it real, I want to start off by saying that this show sucks and it will be hard to watch when the only entertaining thing about this show, Bentley, has left.  To clarify, just because it sucks, does not mean that I won’t watch it.  I’m watching, laughing, and wishing I could turn it off.

We all watch, knowing love it’s not going to happen, but hoping it might.  Mike Fleiss collects a massive paycheck and gets rich by treating his audience like we are stupid.  You want stupid?  Just look at Ashley. She may the most educated, yet dumbest Bachelorette they’ve ever had.

Chris Harrison comes out to share useless information and I want to cut myself.  Why ia this guy still here? Ben from New Orleans gets the first date, Jeff is still wearing his mask, and Ashley is ridiculous.  Plus, her bowlegged walk is bugging the crap out of me.  She needs surgery.

Ashley has choreographed a dance for her and Ben.  My eyes are bleeding and I want to sneak into her house and cut her bangs off because all she does is play with them and I want to seriously hold her down and shave them off.  They go to a mall for their date.

Ashley says normally she would not go to such a public place for a first date. A public place is exactly where a fame whore goes on a date.  Particularly when a camera crew is following her.  Ben has been with her an hour and says he wants to spend the rest of his life with her.

They do a flash mob, and Ben is painfully aware he is on TV and trying to make a good impression.  Ashley’s fake laugh makes my eardrums swell and they are about to burst.  Ashley is trying to sing along to a song that she does not know the words too, just like Oprah.

Jeff takes his mask off and we immediately see that he is old enough to be her dad.  He says he is falling for her and I want to vomit into my own hand and throw it at the television.  When he takes the mask off he says, “Hi.  I’m Jeff”.  I am laughing so hard I might pee myself.

The group date is a comedy club roast of Ashley.  Sidebar: Ashley seriously has no boobs.  It’s like being with a boy.  The men are not clear how to roast her as roasts are mean, and they are trying to be funny and not hurt her feelings.  Then we get William.  Dear, fabulous William.

He is very excited for his big shot.  He thinks the roast could lead to being invited to roast a real celebrity in a couple of weeks.  He is so cute and so stupid.  He’s the only one who gets what a roast is and you’ve got to love him for knowing, and love him more for being an idiot.

Jeffrey Ross is the roast host.  He’s such a nice change of pace from Chris Harrison who bores the crap out of me.  Sidebar:  the audience is full of people they found wondering on Sunset Boulevard.  This is not a comedy club audience.  It’s probably Bachelorette staff.

The guys are tanking.  Ames is odd.  His clothes are odd, his head is odd, he’s just odd.  Then the boob jokes start.  Ashley is fake laughing but her chin is quivering, she is blushing, and you know she is going to cry.  Important to note her fake eyelashes are a nightmare.

William is up and Ashley says he will be the funniest because he knows her so well, he will be able to easily be funny but cute.  Then he drops the bomb.  He signed up for Emily or Chantal and got stuck with Ashley.  He is tanking, her chin is quivering and she is about to have a meltdown.

Her insecurity is ugly.  Not just unattractive, but ugly.  She sulks off in a corner, just close enough so the guys can see her crying, and she cries, loudly, to get someone’s attention.  Her eyelashes are stupid.  Bentley sees her and is off to work his magic.  I freaking love this guy.

Ashley has this great opportunity as the Bachelorette and she is a whiny, crying, pathetic girl who has no self-esteem.  She is young, immature and boring as hell.  I’m with William, I wish Emily or Chantal had been the Bachelorette instead of this airhead dentist wannabe.

Bentley is not into her and has wanted to bail since he saw it was not Emily.  He is a pig to be sure, but great television.  He is a jackass and a liar and she is buying it, telling the camera she feels so connected to him and she likes how he thinks.  Dear Lord, how can she be so stupid?

When he told her that at least 24 out of the 25 guys are excited it’s her, I could not laughing and he looked like he would crack up too.  It was awesome.  Ashley talks to the guys, cries, and tells them that she was hurt by the Emily comment.  Everyone thinks William is an asshole.

I thought he was funny, she is insecure, and the other guys think William is out.  William pulls her aside and tells her it was a roast and he was trying to be funny. She makes him feel bad, loses sight of the fact that he did exactly what he was supposed to do, and William says he’ll go.

Poor William.  He feels bad and it’s a drag.  Ashley is falling into a pit of depression because of her insecurity, and I want to stick my hand down my throat and remove my own kidney just so I have a reason to not watch this train wreck.  Why God?  Why is this show still on?

William is crying and thinks he should go home but won’t because he is a fame whore so he will beg for another chance.  She kisses people in an attempt to find comfort and it’s sleazy that she can put aside her heartache to make out with strangers.  Ashley is really, really dumb.

Back at the house JP gets a date card and he is excited, not knowing she is a pathetic mess following her roast.  Ashley is chatting with Bentley before they all leave.  She tells him about the warning she got about him, and he is a genius and blows it off with ease.  Perfect.

Ashley tells Bentley that if he leaves it will be hardest thing she’s ever been through.  Really?  She has known him for five minutes. Mike Fleiss is making a fool out of her.  He tells her she can come on the show and have a shot at love but instead he humiliates her.

Ashley gives the rose to Ryan, and Bentley is pissed.  He’s leaving because he cannot stand her.  Best line ever:  “I’m going to make Ashley cry, but I hope my hair looks okay.”  I think Bentley rocks.  One could argue that he is a great guy for bailing. A stretch, but possible.

He is not telling her the reason he is leaving.  We all know, but he’s telling her in a way that is not mean.  He could have told her the truth, which by the way would have been brilliant.  But instead he gives all the good stuff to the camera.  The editor of this show is sick and twisted.  Bravo.

Bentley’s dumping of Ashley is, if you are able to look at the bigger picture, quite lovely.  He does not give any indication to Ashley that she is the most boring and flat chested woman on the planet.  She plays with her bangs and you know she is thinking it’s about her lack of boobs.

Ashley is truly pathetic. Truly. She tells Bentley he had her heart and he is just playing along and I love him. When he shows us how he kissed her, and grabbed her ass, I could not stop laughing.  How must she feel watching it back?  I’d be pissed at the producers if I were her.

He finally leaves after what seems like an hour, she crawls into bed and cries, going on and on about how she does not know how she will go on because he’s gone and she loved him.  If I were the guy she picks in the end, watching this show, I would dump her ass.

It’s date night with JP and he is walking into her pit of despair.  It’s dinner at home for him.  Total rip off. She says she is not sure she can recover from the loss of love with Bentley and fall in love again before the show is over. It’s been a week Ashley.  You can do it.

Ashley is with JP and she is talking with her mouth full of food, and is always picking her teeth with her tongue.  She says she wants to put on pajamas and veg.  How convenient that JP brought his pajamas.  She puts on flannel and glasses and eases her pain by making out with JP.

She is bawling one minute about Bentley leaving, then says JP is a better kisser. Just when I think I want to jump off my building to avoid this show, it gets worse because Chris Harrison is back and he is going on and on with useless things that we don’t care about.

We skip the cocktails and go straight to the roses.  William gets a rose and Jeff the mask guy and Chris D. are out.  Chris, who spent 2 minutes with her, says he is crushed because he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Jeff burns his mask and I cannot stop laughing.

The show ends with an outtake of Bentley fixing his hair while Jeff sits on the toilet, with his mask, reading the newspaper.  That’s reality television at its finest. Mike Fleiss should be humiliated and ABC should be embarrassed, because nobody associated with this show is keeping it real.

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