September 30, 2011 | 6:50 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I missed Jersey Shore last week so I just sat through 2 hours. Two hours of Jersey Shore makes me want to kill myself. By kill myself of course I mean I want to kill one of them. I would never do that for real. It would only keep them on TV longer.
I have loved these kids since we first saw them. By kids, of course I mean everyone but Mike, who I am convinced is 40. They have been fun to watch, but those days may be over. There is no good reason why their fifteen minutes are not up. I don’t get it.
Last week started with Snooki hitting a cop car and losing her international drivers license. If they were dumb enough to give her one, it’s their own fault. Snooki is oddly proud of herself, and very excited that her boyfriend is coming to visit. Jenni, not so much.
Roger is not able to visit her, because he can’t get the time off of work. She is crying and I feel for her. She seems really lovely. Even with her occasional outburst of violence, still sweet. Deena and Sammi take her out, while Snooks stays home to rest.
Stalker Brittney comes to visit unannounced, so Snooki lets her in and tells her to wait in Mike’s bed. Meanwhile back at the bar, Mike is on his way home with another girl. Snooki messing with Brittney is hilarious. Snooki needs her own show, but only for one episode.
Mike gets home with a girl he is certain is DTF, but when he sees Brit, he sends the new girl home and settles on getting it in with Brittney, It’s really gross. In the morning, he sends her out, barefoot, into a cab. How proud this girl’s mother must be of her baby.
Jionni is on his way and Snooki is freaking out. He is a really cute kid. Mike sees him and is convinced Jionni is “curious” about him. Mike is such a schmuck. He is a troublemaker and you know he’s on a mission to mess things up for Snooki. He’s an odd old man.
Everyone goes to a club and Mike is spending the entire night trying to cause a situation. He is waiting to fight with Jionni, which makes Snooki tense, and I now believe Snooki had sex with Mike, after she started dating Jionni, so Mike was telling the truth.
They relocate to club number two and the serious drinking begins. Everyone is getting hammered, Snooki is dancing, and that’s when we have a situation. Snooki is wasted and dancing like a whore, showing her lady parts to anyone who is interested. Jionni is done.
He is embarrassed and heads home. Literally, home. Snooki is chasing after him, screaming through the streets of Florence. Snooks is belligerent, screaming like a mental patient, Jenni is trying to help her, but Snooki is losing her mind and having a nervous breakdown.
Snooki is crying, letting us all know she does not deserve this right now, and talking to a car, saying it’s stupid Ronnie is chasing after Jionni trying to calm him down, but he’s done. He just told her he never loved anyone so much, now he is packing his stuff to go.
Snooki is drunk, crying, falling, and ridiculous, while Jenni is screaming through the streets looking for Jionni. At one point she takes her shoes off and you can see the end of her tan. It’s hilarious how dark her legs are, only to see her glow in the dark white feet.
Sidebar: Vinny is a really nice guy. A pig to be sure, but he has a kind heart and it’s a shame that this show is how we know him because no matter how sweet he is, his piggish ways will always trump that, and he will be a douchebag. Charming, but still a douche.
Jionni finds his way back to the house, packs up his stuff and leaves to go back to Jersey. He’s there less than 24 hours. Poor Snooki. Nobody ever told her flashing her boobs and crotch to complete strangers was not good for a relationship. How sad for her.
In an attempt to get Jionni back, she tells him he is mean, an idiot, and stupid. She let’s him know she hates him too. Good call. He is over it, which is a little dramatic, but understandable. He dumps her and the only one who gets it is Sam, who sees herself.
Sammi apologizes to everyone for the drama she caused and it’s hilarious because you know it will be her turn again soon. And so last week ends with Jionni heading back to Jersey without a good bye. She is heartbroken and does not get why he left her.
Tonight’s episode starts with Snooki sober, and calling Jionni’s cell phone nonstop. She gets dressed and does what any girl would do when she has a broken heart, and does not know where her boyfriend is. She goes out for a beer, and talks to strangers.
Snooki calls her dad for a pep talk, and demands that he explain it, but fails to tell him what she did. Now her dad is pissed off and stressed out for no reason. The whole entire thing is lame. This show is lame. I watch this show, so I am lame. I need to stop.
Important to note that in a world where people are famous for no reason, at least Snooki is funny, unlike Kim Kardashian, who is a porn star, or Bethenny, who is a compulsive liar. If we are going to watch the lives of people for no reason, at least Snooki is entertaining.
I’m bored with this show and perhaps the trick to watching Jersey Shore is to only watch one episode at a time. Two hours is simply unbearable. Jenni gets Jionni on the phone and he lies and says he is already gone, but he’s not. He’s at the train station and heading home.
Then, just when I want to start pulling my teeth out with pliers, Jenni makes it all worthwhile, by calling Snooki Sam. She starts referring to all the drama that Snooki is causing as Sam and Ron. Sam wants Jenni to clarify that it is the “old” Sam not the new Sam.
Too funny. Snooki and Jionni are the new Sam and Ron and the comparisons are brilliant. Jenni and Snooki find Jionni, he tells Snooki he loves her but needs to go. After less than a day, and watching his girlfriend strip for strangers, he heads back to Jersey.
Everyone is going out, again, and Deena shares with the camera that she might be pregnant. Snooki is beating up on men while dancing, and Sammi is painfully boring. Deena then tells Jenni she might be with child, so Jen takes her to get a pregnancy test.
Deena is upset, and worried about how mad her parents will be. She says she will kill herself if she is pregnant and if she doesn’t, her parents will. Really? Her parents will flip if she’s preggers, but sleeping with men, and women, and getting drunk, on camera is okay?
How is it that she is concerned all of a sudden that her parents will be mad? Have they not been paying attention to what she has been doing up until now? Whatever. She does the test and of course she is not pregnant. Thank God I’m almost through 2 hours.
Snooki is talking to Jionni and it’s stupid. She is mad at him for being mad at her. He calls her a pig and she take offense and tells him she is taking a break. Is this what young people are like now? She is like a child, not a woman in her twenties. Lame.
Mike tells Snooki he loves her, and Snooki, without saying a word, acknowledges that they did sleep together, and tells him they are just friends. He wants more and it’s very creepy, yet I’m finding Mike sweet, which is even creepier.
The show ends with Snooki making out with Vinny. Then when we are shown a preview for next week, it turns out they have sex. Dear Lord these kids are a mess. It’s still entertaining, but one hour a week is the only way to keep the love for these kids.
I would love to watch an episode of Jersey Shore with their parents. I get kids are crazy and do wild things, but this is their life, not spring break. At some point they need to grow up and their parents need to step in and teach their kids to keeping it real.
We welcome your feedback.
Your information will not be shared or sold without your consent. Get all the details.
JewishJournal.com has rules for its commenting community.Get all the details.
JewishJournal.com reserves the right to use your comment in our weekly print publication.
12.10.13 at 8:55 am | Carlton can stay, Joyce should go.
12.8.13 at 9:55 pm | Momma Joyce is all kinds of crazy.
12.7.13 at 8:49 am | What the hell is Bravo giving us?
12.7.13 at 7:29 am | I'm not going to lie, these women and the men. . .
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire.
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television.
12.10.13 at 8:55 am | Carlton can stay, Joyce should go. (3716)
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire. (2282)
12.7.13 at 8:49 am | What the hell is Bravo giving us? (1613)