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Bachelorette Finale: Ashley & JP Lose, While Ben Goes Out a Winner

by Ilana Angel

August 2, 2011 | 12:57 am

The Temporarily Happy Couple

The Bachelorette is finally over for the season. Thank God.  I seriously don’t think I would have lasted through one more week.  However, I’m about to watch three hours of hell and I’m oddly exited.  I have a mojito on hand, with a bottle of wine as back up, so let the train roll.

We start off with Ashley and her family. They seem lovely.  Her sister, who looks like Kat Von D, had me laughing because within 2 minutes of her being on television, she scratched her head.  Perfection. The sisters share the same unwashed itchy scalp.  Family clearly helps Ashley feel normal.

JP is first.  He is sitting with the family, for the first time, and Ashley is wiping down her face and legs with a towel.  She is looking down her own blouse, watching the sweat poor straight to her tummy, as there are no boobs to catch it.  Everything is nice, until the sister dives in.

Cut to the sister telling her JP is not the one. Sis asked if he made her laugh and Ashley says no.  Sis thinks she is too young for him, she starts crying, can’t stop playing with her hair, and rubbing her lips together.  Ashley is acting like a teenager and could not be more unattractive.

Ashley is, for lack of a better word, an idiot.  She is conflicted about who to pick because she is not sure who loves her.  She could care less. She wants to pick who will want to marry her, not who she loves more.  She is desperate, ridiculous, and I am embarrassed for her.

Ashley runs out to her little brother and is crying about what a bitch her sister is.  I like the brother, but his is a family that sweats.  The sister is alone with JP and she tells him she does not see them together.  This chick is a bitch.  By bitch of course I mean she needs her own show.

Ashley is now complaining to her step-dad.  It’s sad.  All she wanted was support from her sister and it’s just not happening with her and JP.  Sister tells JP he is too old for her, Ashley is too much for him, and there is nothing he can do to change her mind.

Sissy is a total joy sucker.  Ashley cannot comfort JP after he is screwed over.  Ashley plays with her hair, and tells him not to worry.  Her family just told him he was out, but he is supposed to not worry about it, go off while they fall in love with Ben, and it will all be fine.

Ashley is talking to her sister and it’s so annoying.  The sister is fabulous and Ashley is an idiot.  She admits that her sister is saying all the things she thinks in her head, which means that Ashley is not into JP and should pick Ben.  Ben is cute and makes a good impression on the family.

He is so into he, and speaks so opening about it, that you know he is going to get dumped.  She is going to pick JP because her sister does not like him, because she thinks he loves her more, and she does not want to risk being dumped on television after months of being a loser.

It’s the final date with Ben and they take a helicopter ride to a healing, natural mud bath.  Sidebar:  Ben has bigger boobs than Ashley.  She really likes him, but sadly he loves her.  I’m thinking Ben has solidified his spot as the next Bachelor.  I’ll be bored, but I’ll still watch.

Ben tells Ashley he loves her, they kiss, are lying on the bed and she says, “So what do you think?”  She is a bad romantic comedy come to life. The kind that not only goes straight to video, but the kind you use to prop up a broken table because that is all it’s good for.

It’s JP’s date and he tells Ashley that her sister screwed him up.  Hating the sister is totally the stuff to build a relationship on.  She is going to pick the guy that her family does not think she should pick. She will pick him and he will dump her.  He is into love, not into Ashley.

JP tells Ashley he loves her and asks her not to break his heart.  Really?  It made me laugh out loud almost as much as I did at her padded bathing suit. It made her look like an actual girl, not a boy, so bravo to the maker of that miracle suit.  JP is a little too cliché for me.

He then gives her a present, which is a photo album of all their times together with a note about their great love story.  He is still in love with his ex, and used the show to get over her, and does not love her, so the book makes him as sleazy as Bentley.  Yuck.  Cute, but yuck.

It’s engagement day and Ashley wakes up and gets out of bed in full make up, having slept in a robe.  Her fake eyelashes are stupid, and her monologue about each of the guys is scripted and useless.  I have had two mojitos and yet I feel the need to pour another one.  Shame.

Neil lane is there with his jewels.  I love everything that Neil Lane does and no matter what they each pick, it’s going to be fabulous.  That said, you can tell a lot about a guy by the type of ring her picks. In terms of Ben and JP, the best ring selection goes to JP.

Ben is first and Chris Harrison is there, for no apparent reason. He says he loves her, know she loves him, and he is going to ask her to marry him because they have a fairytale.  He talks about his dad and I want to jump in the television and save him from this nightmare.

Before she can say anything, he gets down on one knee and proposes, while she stands there like a moron, cries, and says she is sorry.  All he can say is “wow”. She is talking about how hard it is when he cuts her off and bails. No bye, no hug, and she chases after him.

He is over it and just wants out.  I’m guessing that as she is talking her voice sounds as annoying to him as it has been to us all season.  I LOVE Ben and now want him to be the new Bachelor.  He is really great and Ashley is a skanky, gross loser.  Mean?  Yes.  True?  Yes.

Then, to add insult to injury, as he is telling us that he just does not understand what happened, they put him in a boat and rather than drive along the shore, they drive him straight out into the middle of the ocean with no land in sight.  It was freaking hilarious.

So it’s JP, as we knew it would be, and he gives her a killer ring.  She gets to move to New York City, piss off her family, and be a laughing stock when she realizes that JP is not going to be forever.  He will get his 15 minutes, and I predict be on next season’s Bachelor Pad.

After The Final Rose is next and the recapping is instant.  Ben comes out and has to sit there while we watch him watching himself get dumped.  He’s great and good things will happen for him.  Ashley comes out, then JP.  She’s sporting the ring, they are in love, and I’m not buying it.

The sister says she is sorry for doubting them.  Whatever.  She was right and should own it like she did in Fiji.  She talks about how she is looking forward to family stuff like Christmas and Ashley corrects her and says Hanukkah.  They will be long over by the holidays.

And so it is over.  Hooray! It’s been a painful season to sit through and I hope the powers that be realize they picked a dud, and their choice for the next go round will determine if we will come back.  I say I won’t watch, but I will, so all I can do is hope they keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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