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Bachelorette Emily in London

by Ilana Angel

June 12, 2012 | 1:10 am

Sean kissing a sick person.

Emily and her daughter are in London, which I am excited about.  Not the show as much as the city.  It is my favorite city in the world, the birthplace of my fabulous boyfriend, and where I hope to retire.  It will be a fun week full of beautiful scenery and embarrassing American reality TV.

Sean gets the first one-on-one date and the others are left sulking.  They look like brother and sister, which creeps me out.  That said, he is cute, she is beautiful, and they are both southern, so who am I to judge?  Emily is clearly reading cue cards to name the attractions.  Hilarious.

Back at the hotel Kalon is making comments about Emily being a single mom. He is a pig, and having been raised by a single mom himself, he is an idiot.  He also is creepy.  By creepy of course I mean he seems to be a man who might think no means yes.  He is in love with himself.

Sean is at some speaker’s corner thing and he talks about love.  Emily says she thinks it’s hot, yet she looks like she is peeing her pants and uncomfortable.  They are having dinner in the Tower of London and I am so jealous.  Emily is getting sick and does not sound good. Would not kiss her!

Back at the house Jef finds out he is getting the other one-on-one date and while the group date guys are disappointed, Kalon is pissed off.  Something bad is going to happen and I wish we could pass over all the fluff and get to the drama.  We need to start knocking the losers out.

Emily thinks Sean is marriage material and you have to laugh because they have known each for a couple of days.  This show is as ridiculous as it is romantic.  They then suck face, which grosses me out since Emily is clearly sick.  The music on this show is the funniest thing on television.

The group date goes to the birthplace of Shakespeare to act out scenes from Romeo and Juliet.  Translation: Complete humiliation for the men.  I am a little bored so I am going to skip over the rehearsals and go straight to the performances.  I am also going to open a bottle of wine.

Sidebar:  People are tweeting about Kalon so I went to check it out and he shoos Emily away when she interrupts his rehearsal with Ryan.  Really?  Nail, meet coffin. The performances are silly and not very entertaining. Half the men are dressed as Romeo and the other half as nurses.

The men as Romeo look good, but the nurses, well they are fabulous.  Kalon was a schmuck, Doug was delicious, Jon was funny, Travis was great, Alejandro was invisible, Arie was comfortable in a dress, and Ryan was a pervert. I’m missing one and have no idea who it is.

At the bar Emily makes out with Arie, who we know is a pig, so who cares. Ryan takes her off for private time and he gives her a necklace.  I’m not sure why, but he reminds me of Matthew McConaughey.  The men are offended by Kalon and his bagging on Emily being a single mom.

The men are all talking about Kalon and what he is saying, so it will be interesting to see who has the balls to tell Emily.  I want it to be Doug, I expect it to be Doug, I need it to be Doug.  Doug approaches Kalon, he admits he said it,  it but refuses to apologize.  Doug goes to Emily.

Emily is pissed off and I am digging Doug.  Emily is trying to figure out how she will handle the situation like a lady, but we know she is going to drop the F Bomb so she obviously could not pull it off.  She is ready to kill him and finally this show is going from lame to good.

Emily confronts Kalon in front of everyone and he admits he said Ricki was baggage, but says it was taken out of context.  This is when Emily goes West Virginia hood rat on his ass.  He tries to defend himself and she gives his own line back, she likes to hear him talk but after she’s done.

She tells him to get the F out, he keeps trying to talk to her, but she is done.  She cuts him off and sends him packing.  In the car he says he was not the one for her and it’s pathetic.  Kalon came in a loser and managed to leave a bigger loser.  He leaves and then things get confusing.

Emily is going on and on how nobody told her what he said, but Doug did.  He came to her, she acknowledge that he told her, yet she is angry and upset nobody told her.  What are we missing here?  Doug told her!  It’s lame, makes no sense, and is clearly edited in a weird way.

Emily is talking about how she feels unsure about her decisions because nobody came to her defense and it is pissing me off because DOUG TOLD HER! Jef comes for his date and I’m not feeling him.  They go to afternoon tea and an etiquette lesson.  I wish this show was only an hour.

The etiquette thing is ridiculous and they are ridiculous.  They blow it off and head to a pub for beer and fish and chips.  Jef tells Emily he was with Kalon when he said Ricki was baggage.  Kef says like a lot, which is annoying. Emily was pissed off last night, but not pissed Jef never told her.

Either Emily is very confused, or the editing sucks.  I’m guessing it’s a little bit of both.  Emily and Jef go for dessert in the London Eye.  Perfect date. Sidebar:  Who spells Jef with one F?  Jef, with one F, looks like he is about 20 years old and I don’t see the chemistry they both say they have.

Just when I am ready to write him off completely, he became cute and tells the camera he wants the rose, but he also wants, Emily.  He seemed surprised that he said Emily for a minute and it was darling.  He wants to kiss her on the Eye but panics.  Then he kisses her on a bridge.

She is sick dude.  Why is she kissing on people when she is sick?  I now like Jef so I am giving up my plan to spell his name with a double F.  He is officially a smitten kitten.  Jef and Sean have roses, so the others are in the hot seat because of Kalon being a schmuck.

Ryan has decided he not only wants to be the next Bachelor, he wants to be an actor.  Dear Lord, cut this loser loose.  She calls out Arie who she likes, then makes out with Ryan, who creeps her out.  Perhaps she was taking too much cold medicine?  Emily needs regroup.

After two hours of mostly crap, only one guy is being sent home?  Kalon should not have counted and two more should have gone.  Not cool. In the end it is Alejandro who goes home.  He’s been invisible for weeks so no big surprise, except to him.  Hilarious that he thought he had a shot.

Next week she goes with the remaining 8 men to Croatia.  Fabulous destination.  Next week our dear sweet Emily appears to make out with all 8 of the remaining men.  I’m hanging on, but it’s getting hard.  The Bachelorette is lovely, but come on, nobody here is keeping it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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