Jewish Journal

Bachelor Pad:  Melissa Needs a Bunny & a Stove, Not a Rose

by Ilana Angel

August 30, 2011 | 1:32 am

Bunny Boiling Melissa

It’s Monday night and that means it’s Bachelor Pad night.  Let the blogging begin!  We start off with Jake getting the boot, which we knew was coming, but still, you have to wonder how dumb these people are that they do not vote off Casey and Vienna.  The power couples always need to go first.

To clarify, we don’t really need to wonder about how dumb they are because we know.  They are dumber than rocks, which is mean if you’re a rock.  Jake makes a lame speech about how they made a mistake, and need to vote out the couples.  It’s was stupid, but Jake is stupid so it made sense.

He then apologizes to Vienna, but does not clarify what he is sorry for.  Is he sorry for asking her to marry him when he is gay?  Jake is sweet, but a liar. In his limo ride home he says making peace with Vienna was the reason he came on the show.  Of course it was you reality television fame whore.

Time for the kissing contest challenge, and I am ready with a bucket next to the couch for my puke, and I’m opening a bottle of wine, which I will drink with a straw so I keep typing, which is just sad.  Michelle refuses to participate so she can set a good example for her daughter.  Really?  Too late Sweetie.

Everyone is kissing everyone else and it’s nauseating.  I’m kinda skipping over it because it’s just too painful, but here are a couple of things worth mentioning:  Blake is a disgusting pig, Holly is a whore, Erica is hilarious, Melissa is gross, and Ella is beautiful and my pick to win.

The contest made me sad for Michael.  It’s hilarious everyone was surprised Casey had bad breath.  Seriously? He kisses skank all day so what were they expecting?  Ella wins for the girls and Blake for the guys.  Each of them gets a rose and a romantic date.

Ella goes first and picks Kirk for her date.  I actually love these two together and I want them to win.  They head out and we are left listening to Melissa.  This chick is a freaking loon and I expect her to start cooking a rabbit on the stove at any moment.  She is mentally unstable.

She is talking to Blake about how great their date is going to be, but he has no plans to pick her.  He is scared of her and it’s brilliant.  There is no way this chick passed a psychological exam to be on this show.  Bentley looks like a saint compared to Blake, who is a douchelord.

I am watching Ella and Kirk on their date and I want them to not only win, but get married, have a baby and live happily ever after.  They just match and I want them to be in love.  They won’t of course, but I will hope for it until the very end.  Stranger things have happened so there is hope.

Back at the house Erica is hitting on Blake and I am once again puking, which is a waste of really good wine.  Important to note it’s not Erica that makes me sick, it’s Blake. Erica is entertaining and harmless, but Blake is a pig and I want all his teeth to fall out while he is talking.

Blake gets his date card and he chooses to dump Melissa, ignore Erica, and takes Holly.  Holly says yes because she is a stupid whore, and while it’s sad to see Mike’s reaction, I am laughing my ass off, as Melissa demands an explanation, then runs out of the room in search of a bunny.

Michelle wants to be supportive but Melissa is dumb and can’t hear the support through her own sobbing.  How is it that Michelle is the calm voice here?  She is a loon and we all know she is going to snap at some point.  Blake comes to talk to Melissa and she is convinced she can get him out.

Melissa talks smack about Blake to everyone and she is mixing yogurt as she speaks and even the way she stirs the yogurt is crazy.  She’s a little scary.  She keeps looking directly into the camera which is creepy and fabulous.  She is running around looking for Blake.  Dear Lord.

Melissa is passive aggressive and if she spoke to everyone like she speaks to the camera she might of had a shot.  LOL.  As if.  She never had a shot.  She finds Blake who says he needs to brush his teeth for another 40 seconds and she stands there like a complete loser waiting. 

Blake and Hollywhore fly to Mammoth.  She is talking about how she has never had such a great date, ever.  Does she not realize when she talks to the camera Mike will see it?  She is mean and dumb.  Mike is a mess, especially when he sees they are spending the night away.

Hollywhore and Blake get back and Mike professes his love for her.  He is spilling his heart to her and she lies and says she thought about him a lot when she was away.  Skank.  She tells him she kissed Blake and he is pissed. These people are children and I’m over Holly’s crying.

It’s about to be the rose ceremony and everyone is deciding who to vote off.  Rather than vote of Vienna and Casey, which is what smart people would do, they are torn between Erica, Melissa, William and Casey.  Melissa cannot handle the pressure and has a nervous breakdown.

Casey says he needs the win or his grandmother will die.  What the hell is that?  William is going because everyone is too dumb to vote off Casey. Melissa is running around like the crazy person she is, demanding that people tell her if they are voting for her.  She needs to be medicated.

Speaking of medicated, is it just me or does she look like she is a crystal meth addict?  I watch Intervention and she’s got the look.  Mike and Holly have a little date, but she is selfish and needs to dump him for good and stop playing games with his heart.  She’s not nice.

Watching Melissa lose her mind is oddly entertaining. Sad to be sure, but still, really entertaining.  William gets kicked off, which we knew already, then Melissa.  Poor crystal meth Melissa has been dumped.  Again.  She is so distraught she can’t even give a good bye speech in the limo.

She is in the car having an ugly cry, and Michelle speaks on her behalf.  In the car, Melissa turns her back to the camera and goes into the fetal position.  This show is brutal and I feel for Melissa, but if you are going to go on this show, you must be ready, willing, and able to keep it real.

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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