I usually watch The Bachelorette and blog in real time. I post it as soon as it ends airing and off to bed I go. This week was different however. I am writing and posting in the morning because I could not focus on writing while watching this insanely entertaining and stupid train wreck.
I watched in amazement, going in and out of consciousness and having temporary moments of blindness, while still managing to laugh my ass off and drink two glasses of wine. Ashley is officially the most annoying person on television, while Chris Harrison has the dumbest job in America.
There is so much to talk about this week! We are in Taiwan and it’s gorgeous. They are all so lucky to be there and I can’t help but wish ABC would use the money they spent on sending Chris Harrison around the world on helping homeless vets because he is useless on this show.
We have six men left and we will go down to the four who will get hometown dates next week. JP is getting all clingy, Constantine and Ben are twins which is weird, Lucas is delusional, Ames should be the next Bachelor, and Ryan is going to make a pitch to be selected. Just wait.
Ben gets the first one on one date. I mean Constantine. I mean Ben. Who can tell the difference? It’s weird how similar they look, and by weird of course I mean creepy. Constantine is sweet but this is just not his thing. He’s too guarded and has not bought into the process enough.
They take a train to a remote town and it’s incredibly romantic. Shame it’s wasted on these two. They have no chemistry. Why does Ashley insist on wearing high heels when she cannot walk in them? Furthermore, why not wear flowing dresses so we cannot see her leg situation?
They are now having dinner and I want to pull my own teeth out with pliers. She is picking her teeth with her tongue and playing with her hair over her food. She grosses me out. She is touchy feely with him, but him not so much with her. He’s operating in slow motion and she’s quite loose.
They release paper lanterns into the sky and it is spectacular. They then have the most passionless kiss in television history. It looks just horrible. Remember the reality show where the chick married the millionaire after one day? Well they had better chemistry than these two.
The next date is with Constantine’s separated at birth brother, Ben. They go on vespa ride through the Taiwan countryside and it’s beautiful. He is sweet and has much more personality than his brother. Ashley is finally wearing flat shoes, and can walk which is a pleasant change.
Ben and Ashley go to dinner and he tells us he is falling in love with her, but is not ready to tell her. He is lovely but while he is talking I am fantasizing about cutting his hair. He looks like a 12 year old and needs a hair cut. Ashley is asking stupid questions, and smacking her lips.
How can they afford to send them all around the world, but not buy her a Chapstick? She is picking her teeth again, and playing with her bangs, over her food. He is opening his heart to her and it’s charming but she appears to not even be listening. She’s more interested in making out.
Ben spends the night out with Ashley and it puts JP over the edge. JP, Lucas and Ames are waiting to go on their group date, but with Ben not home, they just wait. It’s lame. Ben says he didn’t know he was spending the night, but he walked in with a suitcase. This show is ridiculous.
The group date is taking wedding photos. Really? Ashley says having a wedding photo will let her now what it’s like to be married to these guys. Really? She is so dumb. Bless her heart. Lucas is in traditional Taiwanese garb, Ames is a disco king, and JP is James Bond. Lame. Lame. Lame.
Lucas is a bore, Ames is adorable, and JP is a whining baby. Ashley comes out and not one of them tells her she looks good. Probably because she doesn’t. Ashley makes out with each of them, in front of the others, and it’s hilarious. JP is not into it and their pictures are miserable.
JP, the cute Jewish boy, is now a complaining and annoying woos. Not cute. Lucas tells Ashley he was uncomfortable in the Taiwanese dress and his southern homophobia is unattractive. They have no chemistry, he’s divorced, and it’s not going to happen for him. He’s out.
Ames shows Loser pictures of him as a kid, and of his family. I love Ames. He’s smart and sexy. He was odd to me in the beginning and I was not into him, but I dig him now. He should be the Bachelor and he should be shirtless. A lot. She will go to his house, but then dump him.
JP is complaining and becoming less and less attractive. Why does the Jewish guy have to be a freak? That said, perhaps he is the smart one, milking his insecurity to get the one rose that is available on the group date? Bam! JP makes a fool out of himself, but scores the rose. Go Jew!
Ryan finally gets a one on one date. He got the first impression rose, but this is their first date alone. He’s so going home. The only question is will he leave with dignity or tears? Poor Ryan. He’s about to humiliate himself in an attempt to be the next Bachelor.
They are in a temple, hundreds of people are praying, and Ashley says “Isn’t this crazy?” It’s not crazy, it’s beautiful moron. They make a wish to the matchmaking gods and it is determined that it will not come true. He is crushed and she is relieved. I just opened another bottle of wine.
Ryan is cute. Poor thing. He is so into her and she could care less. I am embarrassed for him. He is into the environment and saving the earth, while she is not. He is too smart for her. Barney the dinosaur is too smart for her. He is talking water heaters and she is lost. Dumbass.
Ashley is dumping him in a pile of lies and fake crying. Ryan’s facial expressions are perfection. He is the best bad actor ever. I LOVE this guy right now. He has never looked cuter, or been sexier in the entire season as he does with his heart being fake broken. Love, love, love, it.
He is moaning, and breathing deeply, and sighing and it’s classic. He is putting on the best “Pick me as the next Bachelor” audition ever. He is fighting back tears, in shock, talking about not wanting to be alone, and he walks off camera in true reality TV dramatic fashion. Dear Lord.
These five minutes with Ryan are worth sitting through this most horrible of seasons. I love you Ryan. Call me. I’ll buy you a drink and help you find a girl. Love the crying, love the pink shirt, love the water heater story, love you walking by the bridal shop and hailing a cab. Love it all.
I am laughing so hard I spilled my wine. I love to hate this show. There are five men left and Ashley knows who she is dumping so she skips cocktails and goes straight to crushing. She is talking to Harrison and I have hit the mute button. Ashley is fascinating if you can’t hear her.
In fact, if you mute the sound and make up the words for her and Harrison, it is perfection. He is telling her how great it is that he gets to travel around for free and do nothing, and she is asking him if he can he see the bugs in her bangs, then she offers him some food from her teeth.
If there are four men without a rose, and three roses, does Harrison really need to announce when two are gone and there is only one left? I want to scream. I miss Ryan. Ashley sees her husband in the room. She is hallucinating from the smell of her unwashed hair. Poor girl.
Lucas is out. JP, Constantine, Ben and Ames are getting the hometown dates. They are playing dramatic Asian dumping music, which is awesome. Lucas is classy in his leaving. Calls her Sweetheart, hugs her and bails. Nice. He will be married to a nice girl from church in minutes.
Ashley is crying again complaining that maybe she is not cut out for this. I am not sure how much more of this chick I can take. I want to impale myself. Before we get a sneak peek at next week, it’s time to catch up with Emily and hear about how she and Brad are broken up. Surprise!
Emily looks great, but I don’t understand why she keeps sniffing and dabbing her eyes with a tissue when she has no tears. She is fake crying. Why Emily? Why you? She is going to be the next Bachelorette and is playing the role, but I expected more from her. Damn it.
She is beautiful and should be happy that she dumped Brad. He is a loser and never should have been given a second shot at this train wreck. He is a pig and television needs to leave him alone. We’re over it. If he starts appearing on crap like Jake I will be pissed off.
Chris Harrison is sitting there while she pours her heart out and his facial expressions are ridiculous. Everyone loves Emily so they need to work really hard to get her. They know we are pissed off that they stuck us with Ashley, so getting her is their only chance to get us back.
Hometowns are awesome and I can’t wait because the families are entertaining. It’s predictable, but too late to stop now. At this point we are in it to the end. My job is to do what the people who make The Bachelorette have been unable to do for years. I’m keeping it real!
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