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All Star Celebrity Apprentice – Bret Michaels Crashes

by Ilana Angel

March 5, 2013 | 6:02 pm

I was planning to watch and not blog, but it is just too good to not have my say.  Not a lot of celebrities, but with Donald Trump at the helm, and his delusional view of his own celebrity on display, the cast makes sense.  This is not an interesting group, but they are good television. By good television of course I mean watching them humiliate themselves is perfection.

The cast is as follows: Trace Adkins, Stephen Baldwin, Gary Busey, Penn Jillette, Lil Jon, Bret Michaels, Dennis Rodman, Dee Snider, Marilu Henner, La Toya Jackson, Claudia Jordan, Omarosa, Lisa Rinna, Brande Roderick. Really?  This is a pathetic group and while I like some of them as people, labeling some of them celebrities, when they are simply famous, is lame.

Trump opens by asking everyone why they came back.  Brande says she is raising money for abused children, then says she is going to kiss ass.  Really? That was an unfortunate response.  Lisa is botoxed within an inch of her life and it is frightening.  Trump does not understand why Bret would come back when he left a champion, and you just know he is going home first.

Bret and Trace are chosen to select their teams and the picking begins. Bret starts out by selecting Omarosa.  Wow.  He is really very dumb.  Bless him. I think his wearing a bandana with fake hair sewn in it is squeezing his brain.  Dennis is the last one chosen and it is sad.  He walks over to Claudia and tells her it is fate they are together.  She is mortified.

Trace calls his team “Plan B” and Bret goes with team “Power”.  The selecting of the team name shows us immediately who is crazy, who is delusional, who is an idiot, and who is going to regret they ever agreed to do this again. Trace is the Project Manager for the first task and Brande takes the lead for her team.  Big mistake for Bret to give up the power. Dumbass.

Judging with Trump are Piers Morgan and Ivanka.  Piers is a douchebag and immediately goes after Omarosa.  She fires back then throws Bret under the bus for not being Project Manager. The challenge is to sell meatballs and the winner is determined by who raises the most money.  Bret is regretting his decision to relinquish control and the battle beings.  Here we go people.

La Toya is mad that Omarosa is there because she is not a celebrity.  Really? Is La Toya Jackson a celebrity?  No. She is not.  Trace decides to not open their meatball shop to the public, but only sell to his big donor friends. Lisa is using her husband’s meatball recipe and makes it a whole sexual thing about hairy balls.  Not something that makes me want to have a taste.

Dennis is not being used for anything and is basically dismissed by the group. Stephen does not want to raise money for anyone but himself.  Trace is talking to model Niki Taylor but calls her Taylor, which I’m guessing was a feeble attempt to make us think he is talking to country singer Taylor Swift, seeing as he is a country singer.  Such a lame thing to do.

The teams go to the set of Live with Kelly and Michael so they can taste the meatballs and select their favorite.  The team they pick wins an additional $20K.  Lil Jon presents a vegetarian meatball, which I love.  They put truffle oil on it because apparently truffle oil can make crap taste good.  The sexual innuendos about the meatballs by Penn, are not appreciated by the audience.

Omarosa is talking about getting rid of Bret and says the teachings of the bible allow her to trample him.  Interesting interpretation of scripture.  The money starts coming in for both teams.  Brande is scrambling to get bodies and her donors through the door, while Trace is not selling to the public and waiting on bug checks.  Obviously Trace is going to win.

This show is predictable, the music is funny, and even though they try to fake us out, we have been watching for years and we know how it will go down.  This show is mindless fun and I find myself laughing a lot of the time. By laughing of course I mean I am laughing at these people, not with them.  It really is silly fun and while I’m not sure I’ll blog every week, I am watching.

Actual celebrities are coming through Trace’s shop and giving big money, while smaller amounts but more people are stopping by Brande’s store. Omarosa is in charge of the money and she is thrilled about every dollar, unless it comes from a friend of Bret’s.  She is on a mission to destroy him and it is really sad.  He is harmless, quite lovely, and she is a bitch to him.

Piers stops by to see Trace’s shop and he annoys the hell out of me.  I find everything about Piers Morgan to be offensive.  His voice alone makes me itchy.  Danielle Staub stops by to give a thousand bucks and even though we only see her for a total of 3 seconds, it is enough to remind us that she should be on television.  I hope she returns as a housewife in New Jersey.

Piers heads to Brande’s team and his voice is like nails on a chalkboard.  His questioning is ridiculous. He is ridiculous.  This show would be just as entertaining if it were an hour.  Brande cries because a donor bails on her and she is pissed.  They want us to think she will win and it is a fake out, but her team is losing.  Can you bet on Celebrity Apprentice in Vegas? I’d be rich.

It is boardroom time and the first topic of discussion is to throw Bret under the bus.  It is relentless and I feel bad for Bret.  The boardroom is an hour long and I’m getting bored.  It is fun to watch them turn on each other, but it is so dragged out it is painful. Stephen Baldwin is useless.  He is set up to be fired should his team lose, but we know that is not happening.

Piers is back on his campaign to embarrass Omarosa but he is only making himself look like an asshole.  I like Omarosa and I think she has a shot to win here.  People will hate her and she’ll be in the boardroom a lot, but I still like her. There is still 40 minutes to go and I am reaching for my remote control. I’m sure I’m skipping over some good stuff, but honestly, I’m done.

Trace wins over $650K for The Red Cross, which is awesome.  Piers wants Omarosa fired, La Toya wants Brande fired, but everyone else wants Bret fired. Brande is a dingbat and she should be fired for being so dumb.  I need a drink.  By drink of course I mean a bottle of Cuervo and a straw.  It would appear that Omarosa stole some of the money but nobody questions her.

Brande is spared because she raised so much money, and La Toya is spared because she did nothing wrong.  Ivanka, Donald, and Piers all thought Brande should have brought Omarosa back.  In the end poor Bret Michaels, the returning champion, is fired and while we are not shown it, the poor boy cried.  I am hooked and will blog as long as they keep it real.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

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Ilana Angel writes two blogs for JewishJournal.com. KEEPING THE FAITH is about her worldview as a single Jewish mother, and KEEPING IT REAL is all about reality television....

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