February 12, 2013 | 9:06 am

Real Housewives of Atlanta - No NeNe, No Good

Posted by Ilana Angel

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The ladies of the south are back and I have missed them.  I love blogging about them because they are crazy.  There is not enough Nene for my tastes, but here we are so let the games begin.  We are starting off with Porsha dress shopping and I am pouring drink number one.  By drink number one of course I mean I am on my second drink.  God bless my liver.

Porsha is at home having had a bunch of dresses delivered.  She is with her sister and her mom.  Does anyone else think her mom looks like Beyonce’s mom?  Porsha is just so dumb.  Listening to her talk makes me laugh because it is as if she is struggling to pronounce the easiest of words. She reminds me so much of Melissa Gorga. They may actually share one brain.

It is a little creepy to me how concerned with her husband her mother and sister are.  I guess everyone sucks up to the cash cow.  Off to Phaedra, she is at Kandi’s for a visit.  Kandi offers her Kool Aid or iced tea, then makes it from powder.  Strange.  If you knew she was coming why wouldn’t it be ready and cooling in the fridge?  Kandi is odd and Phaedra is fake.

Kandi jumps right into the gossip and as much I like Phaedra, she is not a good enough actress to hide how mean she is deep down.  She can put on the southern charm, but we all know.  Kandi loves to gossip and it makes her unappealing.  Over with Kenya, she is having a biopsy on lumps found in her breast.  It is a scary thing and I feel for her.

That said, her green contact lenses are giving my vertigo and I cannot look at her as she speaks.  Her doctor is lovely but do we really need to watch the procedure? Does Bravo think they are doing a public service?  Dear Bravo, we are all drunk and so while it is important, we are skipping over the entire thing. Kenya is a crazy person.  Bless her.

Porsha is looking at a venue for a party and her sister and niece are there. The baby is losing it and Porsha does not know what to do.  Babies love her so she is confused.  The baby is in full blown melt down and it is perfection. Porsha is painful to watch.  We jump to Cynthia who is talking about how brilliant she is, then talks smack about Porsha to her staff.

Porsha comes to a meeting with Cynthia, who is upset she moved the meeting from her house to the office.  Porsha says her husband is out of town and she does not have people to her home, but Cynthia and her staff are being rude and bitchy.  Porsha’s cleaning lady calls and she takes the call while Cynthia gets even more pissed off.  Cynthia is as dumb as Porsha.

Porsha is talking with her husband and he is horrible.  I don’t know if he is trying to be funny, but he is condescending and rude.  Porsha is trying to talk to him but he is being bossy and it is not cute.  Porsha says everyone is guilty until proven guilty.  She is a dingbat and her husband is a pig.  We jump to Kandi trying to sell something new.  A gospel album.

Kandi tells us she has no time to be creative.  Really?  She needs to have time to be creative?  She tells us she has gained weight, but is not pregnant. She is in love and wants to focus on making money.  Back with Porsha and Cynthia, they are meeting again so Porsha can check her, but Cynthia has her own agenda.  Their friendship is fake and scripted.

Cynthia fires Porsha.  She feels she is not focused and so she does not need her help.  Porsha is surprised and I am bored.  I am half a bottle in at 38 minutes.  We get a quick minute of Nene but it is all a tease and we are not seeing her this week.  Such a drag.  She makes this show interesting and we hardly ever see her.  Getting a quick look makes it worse.

I don’t think Kandi is that great of a singer so spending so much time on her singing is boring.  She is turning to God and wants to sing about it.  I love gospel music and wish her well, but enough already. Do people buy her records? Is she a big deal and I just don’t know it?  She is staying prayed up and I like it, but would never listen to it other than here.

It is time for Porsha’s party and she is ready for her hubs turning 40.  She looks like the perfect Tranny Barbie.  The party looks empty and quite lame, but there is a step and repeat with all the sponsors and it shows that everything about Porsha is fake. This is about money, not her husband turning 40.  Kandi arrives and Porsha is too dumb to believe.

Cynthia and Peter arrive, out of respect, even though she just fired Porsha’s ass.  Porsha is “perterd” with Cynthia and I am dying.   Walter arrives, but Kenya is not invited.  Gross that she invited him.  He’s not a part of the group, she is, and there are rules.  This is breaking one as far as I am concerned.  Walter confirms they are broken up to Peter.

Cordell talks to Cynthia and Peter about keeping steady and not fighting with Porsha.  He is talking about the girls but looking at Peter.  Cordell is a pig and he has no respect for his wife other than as a trophy.  A really shiny and pretty, but hollow trophy.  Important to note that Kenya does not have cancer and can move ahead with being miserable and crazy.

These women are fun to watch because they are crazy and predictable.  We know they are going to act out and try to hurt each other because that is how they roll, but it turns out the main reason this show is watchable at all is because if NeNe.  With her essentially gone this week I was bored and she is not here next week I am out.  NeNe is what is keeping it real.

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January 30, 2013 | 8:26 pm

Am I Too Scared to Blog Mob Wives?

Posted by Ilana Angel

I love these women.  They are real, fascinating, and incredibly funny.  That said, they scare the crap out of me.  They intimidate me and just listening them talk calmly to each in the kitchen freaks me out.  I have been watching this show every season and while I blogged about it Season 1, in watching the new season I am a little scared.  By scared of course I mean I’m not sure my style of blogging would be cool with these ladies.

I record this show when it is on so I can skip over the commercials and watch it is one shot.  I love the soundtrack, accents, boobs, clothes, language, and just about everything else.  I am truly fascinated by these chicks.  I can’t decided if I want to be their best friends and live next door, or if I would cross the street if I saw one of them walking towards me.   I am obsessed with them and cannot turn away when they are on.

The interesting thing about them all is they speak in the same way that I write.  We use a lot of the same vocabulary and sometimes I think they would appreciate my candor and take it in the way it is intended.  Then I blog an episode, read what I have written, and immediately delete because I worry it will get out by accident and I’m waking up with a horse head in my bed.  I clearly watch way too many gangster themed movies.

I have so much to say about Renee, Drita, Carla, Ramona, Big Ang, Love and Karen. The thing is, these girls will cut a bitch.  I’m a tough broad and I have no fear when it comes to speaking my mind and sharing my feelings, but they are out of my league.  I could write a warm and fuzzy blog about how fabulous they all are but that would be a lie.  They are not all fabulous, and one could argue there is a skank or two in the bunch.

These chicks are rough and tough.  They are also loyal, kind, and in the end women with feelings.  No matter if you are a Jewish blogger from California, or a Catholic mob wife from Staten Island, we are all women, mothers, daughters and friends.  Our hearts break the same, our tears sting the same, and our dreams for our children to have lives better than our own are the most important thing.  Turns out we all have a lot in common.

These women are not afraid to be themselves and say exactly what they are thinking.  They appear to not be afraid of anything.  Even in their fights, they remain cool headed and clear.  To be clear, they are violent, but they stay on task and hold their own.  I wish I was more like that. I have balls when it comes to standing up for myself, but the truth is I am afraid of a lot of things and I fake my tough girl attitude a lot of the time.

I wonder what scares these women because it would appear the answer in nothing. If I thought there was a chance they’d be scared of the Jewish blogger I might blog my way through this season in the only way I know how. Since that will happen when kosher pigs fly, I will simply say I am watching Mob Wives with you, loving every second, and reading their blogs rather than writing one.  These women are perfection and they are keeping it real.

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January 29, 2013 | 10:00 am

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Bash LeAnn Rimes

Posted by Ilana Angel

I am blogging this week having just returned from Brandi Glanville’s book launch.  Oh. My. God. This woman is hilarious. If you have ever had your heart broken, sent a drunk text, felt you would never be able to love again, or had your husband cheat with a bunch of whores including a washed up country singer with an unfortunate face, then this book is for you.  It is funny, smart, unfiltered, and pure Brandi.  I read it last night and it made me tear up and laugh out loud.  Brandi Glanville is fabulous.

We begin our week of Beverly Hills in Malibu.  Funny that not a lot of these women actually live in Beverly Hills.  We are with Yolanda who has prepared lunch for her friend Suzanne Summers, Kyle, and Lisa.  They are going to talk hormones and vitamins.  Suzanne is 66 years old and she looks remarkable.  Truly a well preserved human specimen.  Yolanda is channeling her inner Martha Stuart.  If Martha Stewart were socially awkward.  She is just a little rough around the edges when it comes to people.

Perhaps it is because she is European, but she says some cringe worthy things in my opinion.  That said, I am starting to really like her.  Sidebar: She was on Watch What Happens Live and was quite charming.  It has taken a minute but as I figure her out she becomes more likable and quite entertaining.  Kyle is sucking up to the celebrity, Lisa could care less about the celebrity, and it is predictable.  Kyle seems to think she is a celebrity and she is not.  She is simply famous.  Not the same thing.

Brandi has been asked to host some events in Vegas and part of it is to pole dance.  She goes to a pole dancing lesson but it would appear lessons are not in order.  Could her legs be any longer? Over at Kyle’s, she is having a dinner for her daughter who is graduating from middle school.  No matter how many times she prances out her beautiful children, she is still not likeable.  The fact that her own sisters did not come to the party, but she dragged in Adrienne and Faye, speaks volumes about who she is.

Adrienne comes and complains, Faye acts like people care about what she is saying, and I feel bad for the little girl that her mother used her party for camera time.  Kyle cries and it is really fascinating how she has mastered the fake cry.  Note to Kyle:  If you want us to really believe you are crying, tears are required.  From Kyle to Kim, we are now visiting a whole other kind of crazy.   Kim is hanging pictures and while I am thrilled for her sobriety, she is a nut job.  A very strange and possibly drunk woman.

She has decided to have a nose job.  An extreme way to get a prescription for pain killers, but to each their own.  Brandi is packing for Vegas and as she pulls things out of her closet I can picture LeAnn Rimes sitting at home taking pictures of each piece so she can run out and buy them.  Over with Marisa, she is packing with her mom.  Dear Lord this Mom is something else.  It is too early to tell if she is fabulous or a nightmare.  I like her but that relationship is a lot of work and I like Marisa more now.

Brandi, her BFF Jennifer, Lisa, Kyle, Camille and Marisa are off to Vegas while Yolanda stays home for the first night to welcome her husband home. They have an old fashioned relationship, and I like it.  She is playing the game and so good for her.  He’s a little creepy in how he speaks of her, but he also loves her in a way that I think is sexy.  Yolanda spends the night with her hubs while the ladies are out for dinner in Vegas.  It is an interesting group so we will see how the trip plays out and who cries.

Brandi tells Marisa that her husband loves her more than she loves him. Marisa says that is their banter and they are great.  Really?  We are not seeing that.  Marisa needs to love on her hubs.  Brandi is trying to explain to Kyle that they need to be kind and Kyle is listening but if you watch her closely, you can see her wheels spinning on how to make the conversation about her and not Brandi.  Then Camille swoops in and makes it about her. Nicely done.  Why is Camille even here? I thought she bailed.

They are talking about sex, divorce and heartache.  We get some insight into how Brandi found out, while pregnant, that her douchelord husband was cheating with LeAnn Rimes.  Then we get reality television gold when the ladies start bashing LeAnn.  I LOVE that they care calling out the crazy that is LeAnn Rimes.  In my opinion, LeAnn Rimes is a horrible human being.   She is mean, calculated, spiteful, pathetic, and unstable.  It’s only a matter of time before Karma comes knocking at her door. Any minute now.

The ladies are now talking about vaginas and oysters.  Really?   We are then asked to watch Kim get her nose consultation. Really?  Yolanda arrives in Vegas and we are off to the pole.  Brandi is nervous and it is adorable.  The reaction to her stumbling through is sweet.  This is the first time the ladies appear to actually like each other.  Brandi finds her way and in the end the women are all likeable, which never happens. All this niceness means a blow out is coming so get your wine ready because they’re about to keep it real.

Please check out my new web seris "THE REAL DEAL".  It fearures our first guest, the delicious Brandi Glanville.  There are some sound issuess, but we are working on correcting those.  Enjoy!

 

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January 7, 2013 | 8:46 am

Real Housewives of Miami – Reunion Part 1

Posted by Ilana Angel

I have been watching all season but did not blog about it more than a couple of times, and then it was only because their behavior was so disgusting I felt the need to say so.  They are boring, desperate for fame, and frankly watching Elaine Lancaster trying to be relevant was just too painful.

I’m not invested in any of them. Don’t really understand why they even got another season, but the reunion is always a fun thing to blog, regardless of the season or the city.  We see a glimpse into who these people really are. In fact, this is the only time we really get to see who they really are.

Andy Cohen wears a hideous outfit for this reunion and it bothers me he never straightens his tie over his buttons.  He is very handsome in my opinion, but always seems to miss the mark by just a smidge.  He needs a stylist who is not colorblind and pays more attention to detail.

The women have so much makeup on I am waiting to watch them melt under the lights.  Everyone admits they have had plastic surgery, and Lea insists she has not used any fillers or had any work done.  Really? She is a hundred years old and her face is as smooth as a baby bum.

There is no way she has not used fillers.  I’m guessing she uses her husband’s blood money to get injections weekly.  She is a liar and a hustler who married well so she can save her lies for another day because we are not buying it.  By we of course I mean anyone who can see clearly.

Joanna and Roman’s relationship is reviewed and we see that Joanna is as dumb as she is beautiful.  She is a gutter pig and I cannot find anything to like about her.  She is a drunk, has nothing to do with Miami, and her boyfriend sleeps with other women right under her nose.

Adrianna is off the chain over Joanna.  She goes off about her relationship with Roman and her sister Marta.  Adrianna is a bitch.  Not the good kind of bitch I admire, but the pathetic kind of bitch who talks for hours and says nothing of relevance of interest.  She needs to shut up.

We move onto Karent and her boyfriend Rudolpho.  I happen to think he is gay and dates women to remain popular with the ladies, but that’s just me. She tells us they have broken up and even cries about it.  How is it that these educated women are so dumb? Don’t date men who cheat.

No matter what anyone says, Anna calls them out on it.  Anna was the most boring person all season but on the reunion is fantastic.  I dig her here but barely remember her from the show.  Important to note Lea Black’s voice is like nails on a chalkboard.  She is a disgusting woman.

The moment anyone calls Lea out on her crap she fires back like the mean girl that she is.  She is a bitch and sits on her handmade thrown and throws daggers at those she feels are lingering below her.  Lea is wealthy because her husband works for killers.  There is no pride in that moron.

Anna is throwing jabs about Geritol and Lea breaking a hip and I am loving it. She is telling the truth and Lea is panicking, trying to swing back, but bless her she is unable to get her back.  Turns out Lea is dumb and only able to respond when it is scripted or she has time to prepare.

Marisol looks horrible and her dress is ugly.  She is still upset about Lea bashing her company and is emotional but can’t produce tears because of all her face injections.  They go on and on forever about Lea and Marisol but I am bored and not listening.  Enough already.  Who cares?

I seriously just zoned out of the entire thing because I cannot be bothered. As for the new t-shirt about beating her to the tweet, love it.  These women are ridiculous.  They are all a little mean, a little dumb, a little self absorbed, and a little crazy.  By a little of course I mean not at all a little.

They do a section on Joanna drinking and she laughs it off as if it is cute. She drinks like a fish, is a nasty drunk, and it is not cute.  She talks about her drinking like it is nothing but this chick needs an intervention because her denial is sad and her laughing it off is heartbreaking.

They review Adriana and her unfiltered mouth.  She is a complete and total hag. She is mean from way down deep and while she may think she is funny, she is hateful and has no tolerance for anyone other than herself.  I don’t trust her and obviously female friendships are hard for her.

They are going on and on about racism, Polish immigrants, and slums of Rio.  Blah, blah, blah.  They are grasping at straws which is lame.  After almost an hour of crap, we are forced to watch the non-slap slap again and it is insane.  These women should all be embarrassed as should Andy.

I love the reunions and even though this one was particularly boring, it is the only opportunity we have to see who these women are. This week ends with the threat of lawsuits and yelling over each other.  We give Bravo an hour of our time and in return they give us a headache. 

I will be back for part two and look forward to seeing Elsa.  They will bring these women back for another season and I am hopeful they change up the cast.  Miami is a vibrant city but if this is all Bravo has to offer in terms of interesting women, they are not keeping it real.

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November 27, 2012 | 8:01 am

The Real Housewives of Atlanta: Dumb & Crazy

Posted by Ilana Angel

These women do not like each other and are all desperately clinging onto their 15 minutes while the new chicks steal their thunder and NeNe outshines them all.  Kandi is invisible, Phaedra is not a lady, Kim is a disgrace and Cynthia puts us to sleep.  That said, we are watching so here we go again.

We start with Kim and honestly people, I just can’t do it.  She is hideous. Her language, her attitude, her lies, all of it is just too much and I am skipping over her.  Slutbag. We move onto Kandi and I have to ask Bravo, really?  Kandi brings nothing to this show and I am skipping her too.  Tiem for them to go.

I just skipped over ten minutes and went straight to Phaedra who is with Apollo and taking their baby for a haircut.  Apollo is delicious, Aiden is yummy, and Phaedra is posing.  They are sweet, but the squeaky clean image Phaedra is painting of herself is starting to stink.

Apollo is a master barber?  Nice that he was rehabilitated in prison and learned a trade.  They are planning Aiden’s 2nd birthday party and it is going to be excessive.  Forget about the Joneses, Phaedra is trying to keep up with the real housewives of Beverly Hills.  Simply not cute.

We’re off to Porsha’s and Dear Lord, this girl is dumb.  Turns out her husband is just as dumb.  Porsha says “fraudulent slip” instead of Freudian slip.  Her husband says that “one bad apple can’t make a pot go like that” and I am dying.  These people are ridiculous and fabulous TV.

Kenya takes her fake boyfriend Walter to meet her family and I am drooling at the deliciousness of it all.  Kenya is a nutcase and Walter is searching for his 15 minutes.  He compares himself to Martin Luther King and I am rolling my eyes at exactly how dumb these people are.

Kenya looks greasy and dirty.  The family wants to know how they met and Walter tells them it was through mutual friends.  Kenya insists he pursued her hard.  The aunt says she believes Water and not Kenya. When your family calls you out as crazy there has got to be truth.

Auntie wants to know how Walter feels about marriage and he tells them they are just dating and he is taking is slow. Kenya is shooting daggers at him and tells the camera they are on the same page and looking to get married.  Seriously?  Kenya needs to get some mental help.

Aiden’s birthday party is at an aquarium and it is stupid.  An insane show of excess and shame on Phaedra.  The kid will have no memory of it, could not care less now, and she would be better served to feed homeless people than flaunt her mediocre wealth in such a lame fashion.

Kim calls in the middle of the party to say she is not coming and Kandi and Phaedra start gossiping about Kim’s problems.  Dwight is there hosting the party and I am over him too. Phaedra says those who can: do.  Those who can’t: dream.  The rest just hate.  Whatever.

We’re back to Kim swearing, in front of her kids, and I am skipping it.  I am not watching anything with this woman.  She makes me sick and I find myself fantasizing about shoving an apple in her mouth so she will stop talking.  I’m bailing on slutbag and heading to lunch with Nene and Cynthia.

NeNe plays a message from Phaedra that was sent via a butt dial.  Phaedra drops the F bomb and says he could care less if Cynthia came to the birthday party.  Some would say it was not cool of NeNe, but the truth is that Cynthia and NeNe are friends and have each other’s back.

I’m not surprised NeNe played the message.  Chicks are chicks and Phaedra would have done the same thing given the opportunity.  We see a quick moment with Porsha and her gorgeous younger sister and we are reminded, in less than 20 seconds, that she is truly a dingbat.

Over to Crazytown, Kenya buys frozen food from Trader Joe’s, microwaves it, and serves it as if she cooked it from scratch.  Oh. My. God.  Trader Joe’s is the promised land for divorced men and Walter has made that meal for himself a million times.  Kenya is seriously crazy .

Kenya tells Walter the meal took her forever to make and she did it with pleasure to please him. She is doing everything possible to turn this man off and it is reality TV gold.  She is talking about getting married, ovulating, being a wife, and talking about how pretty their kids will be.

Just when I think she cannot be more pathetic, she tells him her ring size.  She is begging a man that she has a casual sexual relationship with to not only marry her, but knock her up immediately.  Kenya is not well.  I’m not kidding.  She is mentally unstable and needs help.

Cynthia goes to have lunch with Phaedra and lets her know she heard about her dropping the F bomb and not caring about Cynthia coming to the party. Phaedra insists she never swears and does not gossip, yet we’ve all heard it.  The southern belle is not so much of a lady.

Cynthia offers to play the message for Phaedra and Ms. Parks changes the subject and laughs it off.  Cynthia is going to hold onto this not because she cares what Phaedra thinks, but because she thinks it will keep her close with Nene and she wants to be best friends with Ms. Leakes.

The show ends with Kim moving back into her townhouse temporarily.  Really?  Her husband is going to move into the house that she whored out for with his two kids?  Kim can praise God till the cows come home and she is still not getting me to believe she is a woman of faith.

Kim is successful because she sleeps with men who can take care of her.  Married or not, she gets what she needs and that is cool.  I don’t care.  She has four kids from three dads, so bless her for taking care of all of them but she should own her past instead of trying to rewrite it.

It was a boring week but it looks like we will be rewarded for sticking it out next week.  I am watching this show for NeNe and Kenya.  Watching one soar and one sink is fascinating.  Atlanta is not what it used to be and the friendships are so over they can’t even fake keeping it real.

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November 5, 2012 | 8:32 pm

Real Housewives Beverly Hills Premiere Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

The ladies are back, and for reasons I will never understand, Kim and Taylor are included.  Fascinating that they were not let go, but I guess Bravo truly has no boundaries in how they like to hang people out to dry. I am going into the season with an open mind on all the women, and no plans to hold back.

Here is the cast with their opening lines, and translations, to help get us started on this train ride through hell.

Lisa:  “Life isn’t all diamonds and rose, but it should be.”
Translation: I’m not sweating the small stuff with these witches.

Brandi: “Money doesn’t give you class, it just gives you money.”
Translation: These jealous bitches are no better than me.

Adrienne: “Know your friends, show your enemies the door.”
Translation: I have no friends because I am mean and selfish.

Taylor: “I fought too hard for this zip code to go home now.”
Translation: I helped kill my husband and got away with it.

Yolanda: “I like to have fun, but I don’t play games.”
Translation: I have no idea who I want to be on this show yet.

Kim: “Life is a journey and I am finding myself everyday.”
Translation:  Why did my sponsor let me do this?

Kyle: “I’m born and raised in Beverly Hills. This is my town.”
Translation: I was born in Hollywood, but who really cares?

We start off at Lisa’s new house.  Jiggy looks fabulous and Brandi is over for a visit.  Brandi is the first to see the house and happy about it, while Lisa is glad she gave Brandi a fair shot because they have now become good friends.  They are fun together and while it feels Lisa is somewhat mortified by Brandi at times, it seems like a genuine friendship.

The house is truly fabulous.  Lisa’s closet made me have heart palpitations. For real.  Brandi’s reaction to the closet is “F you”, which is exactly what I would have said.  Brandi flirts with Ken, Ken dutifully blushes, Lisa thinks maybe she should loan him out just to not have to have sex with them, and I like the dynamic. It’s good Brandi has an ally in Lisa.

Lisa is having a party at her restaurant and did not invited Adrienne.  They are no longer friends, but Lisa is open to an apology for how she behaved at the reunion.  Brandi is trying too hard, but she will settle in.  Over to Kyle, she tells us her relationship with Kim is still strained.  Mauricio gives her a Maserati and it is lame.  I don’t like her at all.

She is unkind to her sister and I know she is going to simply be mean.  She drives off in the car and I’m grossed out.  No mention of the fact that he made the money selling Lisa’s house, before she threw her under the bus. Kyle cannot be trusted in my opinion and its going to take a lot for me to get her.  As for Adrienne, all I can say who cares?

Adrienne and Paul are out for dinner, pretending to love each other, but we know it was already ending then.  Taylor calls and tells her she wants to go shopping for Lisa’s party, and the cat is out of the bag.  Adrienne now knows she was not invited.  Sidebar:  Adrienne looks just like Barbara Eden.  The amount of work she hass had done is insane.

We’re off to Malibu to meet Yolanda, who is very pretty, in an unreal way. Her Malibu home is spectacular.  We learn that Yolanda is the ex-wife of creepy Mohamed, and is now married to music mogul David Foster.  They have been together six years and while I think it’s lovely how she shares her romantic side, it’s going to get old.  I like her though.

Kim is off to see her sister Kathy for lunch.  She is filming the show one month after getting out of rehab.  Really? Why the hell is she on this show?  It is a disservice to Kim for Bravo to have allowed it.  I feel bad even writing about her because she is simply not well.  I will do it of course, by I feel bad about it.  Kim lets us know she is not good with Kyle.

Kathy is helping Kim’s daughter pick a prom dress when Kyle walks in. The energy immediately shifts.  Kyle sucks the joy out of the room.  Kim talks about how strained their relationship is, and Kyle talks about rehab.  I like Kim and feel for her, but it is difficult to watch.  I want to hug her while Kyle accidently trips down some stairs.

Lisa is visiting Brandi and talking about the party at Villa Blanca.  Brandi is not excited to see Taylor.  The sexual jokes extend to the dogs, which is not that funny.  Poor girl needs to relax.  Kyle’s youngest daughter is having a birthday and she is calling the ladies to invite them to her party. Kyle’s use of her child to make us like her is not cool.

Why does Kyle need to say Kim is sober every single time she mentions her? Brandi accidentally invites herself to the party and we are all clear that Beverly Hills is the most scripted of all housewives cities.  We jump to Taylor, which to be honest, pisses me off.  She should have been fired.  The taping is 9 months after Russell killed himself.

Her face looks completely distorted.  She is shopping and Adrienne joins her. Adrienne needs a stylist and Taylor needs a therapist.  Adrienne can’t fake liking her husband, even when he is not there.  Taylor apologizes for Lisa not inviting her to the party, and Adrienne is hurt and annoyed.  I would not have invited her either. Adrienne was horrible.

It’s time for the Villa Blanca party.  Yolanda shows up, Kim is in a sea of free drinks, Kyle arrives, and the fake kisses are off the charts.   Taylor arrives, followed by Brandi, who upon meeting Yolanda for the first time, reports that Yolanda has slept with everyone ion town.  Wowzer.  Poor Brandi is going to rub a lot of people the wrong way.

Important to note that this is just a TV show and my opinion is one of millions.  I like Bandi and Lisa so I have their backs.  I will also call them out if I think they are lame becasue that is how I roll.  If you don't like that I am openly a team player, it's cool.  No harm no foul, but it's my blog and I get to decide.  Team Keeping it Real!

Yolanda tells Kim, Kyle and Taylor that Brandi said she slept with everyone in town, but they think she was talking about herself, not Yolanda, and Yolanda does not correct them.  I get it’s a party and maybe it was confusing, but Yolanda is either a bitch, or a classy lady.  I’m going with lady until she makes me think otherwise.  I dig her.

Adrienne sends flowers to the party for Lisa, which is pathetic. Kyle picks a fight with Kim and we are right back where we started.   We didn’t learn a lot during the premiere, but it was enough for me to say I will blog it.  For now.  The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are unreal, but it’s cool because I will happily be the one to keep it real.

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October 23, 2012 | 9:10 pm

RHNYC Goes Away & Jill Zarin Returns

Posted by Ilana Angel

I would have happily walked away from the Real Housewives of New York City after one reunion show, but Bravo decided to make it two episodes, followed by a lost footage show.  Dear Lord. These chicks won’t go away. Just when I think I might pass on part two, they discuss Luann’s whorish ways and I am right back in.  Luann cheated but won’t admit it.

That is how whores roll is my guess.  She may be a whore, but she is also a Countless, so she is keeping quiet.  She assures us that NOTHING happened with Tomas, and Jacques believed her.  Lu is making it worse by going on and on about it, and nobody believes her, namely Carole.  Luann is spinning her story and it is getting more confusing with each word. 

Luann lied then, is lying now, and I think it is hilarious.  By hilarious of course I mean Jacques should get down to the free clinic for some testing. The best part of this waste of time is Luann sounding Canadian.  She goes hardcore with her “sooory” and I am rolling.  In the end who cares? Luann was a slut, Jacques forgave her, and we all move on.  Except Ramona.

Ramona calls Luann out for being a swinger and a whore.  Luann is livid, about to cry, and Ramona is gloating.  These women cannot stand each other and it shows.  Its the old against the new, and even within the two groups, they don’t seem to like each other.  There is no reality here, these women are not friends, and their fake meetings and socializing have run the course.

Time to focus on Sonja, who looks absolutely gorgeous.  She was a hot mess all season, but she is perfection at the reunion.  Great hair, great makeup, great dress, great attitude.  She appears to be sober, or perhaps wasted, because when asked about bum action with Tomas, she keeps it classy. Ramona won’t let her answer anything about it, so you know its true.

Aviva is back to talking about her dad, and the girls trip, and I’m bored. Aviva brings nothing to this show and seeing her real self at the reunion only proves why I am not a fan.  I think she is fake, uptight, pretentious, and rather annoying.  Andy is useless, and rather than getting clarity on the season, he is trying to get Ramona and Sonja to admit they sleep together.

We are now asked to sit through a recap of Aviva’s dad George.  Dear Lord. We hated him on the show so why make us sit though a conversation about it?  Aviva is talking about her parent’s sex life and I’m done.  Carole’s new mouth is distracting, Andy’s questions are dumb, Aviva is lying, George is repulsive, and Sonja is gracious and kind, which is really lovely.

I am now sitting through what feels like hours listening to Sonja and Heather fight about the toaster oven.  The most fascinating thing about the toaster oven is that there is still no toaster oven.  We have been hearing about this thing forever and still nothing.  In the words of the delicious Milania Guidice, when it comes to the toaster oven, I say blah, blah, blah.

Sonja is selling her house in France, getting her life in order, communicating with her ex-husband, and mourning the loss of her beloved dog Milo. She compares his loss to that of a grandmother and it’s charming.  She really loved Milo and I feel for her and the loss.  I love Sonja and I feel invested in her happiness.  I want her to be okay and wish her well.

We are now watching how things fell apart between Ramona and Aviva and it is too funny.  Aviva is a total crazy person.  She is mean, selfish, ridiculous, pathetic, delusional, and plain old fashioned bitchy.  Ramona comes out the winner.  Of course we are comparing crazy to crazy, but Aviva is more insane crazy when compared to Ramona’s kooky, drunk crazy.

Just when I think I cannot dislike Aviva more, she pulls the “My mom was an alcoholic and she died from it so I was yelling at you with displaced anger to her” card.  Dear Lord.  We don’t like you Aviva and with each neurosis you bring up, we like you even less.  Ramona is flipping out that people think she has a drinking problem and she wants the discussion to stop.

Well, it’s over.  Finally.  No point in talking about the lost footage because I can’t be bothered to watch it.  The message from Ramona, Sonja, and Luann is clear however.  They want Heather to come back but have no real use for Aviva or Carole.  I agree.  Let Carole and Aviva go, keep Heather, and either recast for two new girls, or bring back Jill Zarin and Alex McCord.

Speaking of which, I am loving Alex and Simon on VH1’s Couples Therapy. The show is a train wreck, but they are fabulous.  You see the fallout of being on a reality show by a couple that is once again on a reality show.  Yup, they are whoring themselves out again.  It makes no real sense, but it is very good television.  By very good of course I mean it is horrificly fantastic.

That brings us to Jill Zarin on Watch What Happens Live.  A lot of people have been waiting for me to blog about this and so here we go.  I waited a little while because I wanted to watch it couple of times.  Those of you who follow me regularly know that I think Jill Zarin is good television.  I have spoken with Jill several times, met her once, and I just like her.

Important to note that just because I like her, it does not mean we are friends, or that she pays me to write about her.  What it means is that I am a writer, who writes about reality television, and she is a reality television personality I enjoy watching.  I don’t think everything she does is perfect, but when it comes to RHNYC, she was a hoot and I dug her.

Jill and Andy are cute together.  She looked great, her hair was fabulous, her skin was flawless, and I think she was brave to come back.  Andy asked her how she felt when she was fired, and she asks Andy why she was fired. He gave some lame excuse and she took it with a grain of salt.  By grain of salt of course I mean she did not, and still does not, understand what happened.

Andy says he is happy with the changes that were made, and Jill seems to not be able to accept that.  It is Jill Zarin at her most vulnerable.  I thought she was honest and open and her attempts at humor where touching to me. To tell Andy she cannot be replaced was initially viewed by me as pompous and delusional, but in looking at it again, it was human.

Here is a woman who was the quintessential New York Jewish housewife, who was riveting and popular, then without warning, she was fired.  Not only just fired, but publically humiliated.  She had been so close to Bethenn,  and to see not only their friendship end, but their paths take on different directions and different speeds must have been be upsetting.

Bethenny used Jill to get to the place she wanted, and then dumped her.  I get it on some levels, but in the end there was a time to be gracious and both of them missed the boat. In watching Jill tonight I am reminded that she was fun to watch, and even though she sometimes made me cringe, she should not have been punished for her falling out with Bethenny.

Important to note that even though I'm not a fan of Bethenny, God bless her.  She accomplished everything she set her mind to and I respect that.  Good for her.  I hope she is happy and proud.  All I'm saying is that for a woman whose friends all appear to be on her payroll, one would think she would forgive  the one person who never wanted anything from her.

Jill is talking about all the ladies of her seasons and there is clearly some really bad editing.  The sound jumps and I wonder what the real conversation was, not what Andy wants us to see.  Sidebar: Twitter went nuts that Jill filmed the show herself to shop around to sell.  Hilarious.  Jill recorded the audio and based on how Bravo dumped her, she did the right thing.

People are so quick to want to hate Jill, and it’s a shame.  Instead of wanting her off the show, they should have pushed for her to stay on so they would have something to talk about.  Love her or hate her, everyone likes to talk about Jill Zarin.  She is now talking about Bethenny and I could care less.  I think Bethenny is a pathological liar and a fame whore.  Moving on.

Jill talking about Bravo picking sides and favorites is just sad for me.  Sad because I would have felt the same way.  She is the girl who got to hang out with the cool girls, only to have the popular bully girl shun her and have it all taken away.  Instead of allowing Jill to have the show, Bethenny took it away from her because she could.  There is nothing to be proud of there.

I will get blasted for my opinion on this and I get it, but take a step back for a minute and stop making this about Jill and Bethenny.  Let’s make it about just TV.  Jill was good television.  People who loved her rallied by her side, and those who hated her got a kick out of bashing her.  In the end we all lose with her off the show and that is a drag because RHNYC now sucks.

People bitch that Jill needs to move on because she is off the show, but why should she?  Jill reminds us that the show is on around the world, many places just seeing the first season, and Jill is still a housewife for a lot of people.   Now I sound like a PR person for Jill and that was not my goal.  I am not here to defend Jill Zarin, just share my opinion of her.

In the end Jill handled herself well with Andy, and Andy was lovely to her. It is unfortunate that they parted ways, and I hope they make their way back together.  I’m guessing we will see Jill on TV again and I would not be surprised if Bethenny has her on her talk show.  It would be a ratings bonanza, and exactly the kind of thing Bethenny lives for.

The truth is I really don’t care about this stuff that much. I am a fan of realty television, like so many of us are, and we all have our favorites. The ones we want to hang out with, and the ones we want to accidentally trip so we can watch them fall in slow motion.  Who we like is personal and my job is to share my personal opinions, which I do, openly and honestly.

I am happy this season of RHNYC is over and I was happy to see Jill back on my TV, just as I am happy to see Alex too.  It will be interesting to see if the same cast returns.  I want Jill back and don’t care who wants to hate me for it.  In a world with so much pain and stress, that people want to hate each other over reality television stars is both silly and disturbing.

It is actually quite funny when you think about it.  We get sucked into these shows with these people, and it is fascinating.  I make my living talking about them all, and so the drama is part of the job I guess.  I like Jill, can’t stand Aviva, think Sonja is great, Ramona is evil, and Luann is a slut.  If you agree or not is up to you.  All I can do it watch, write, and keep it real.

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October 15, 2012 | 7:37 am

Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion – Go Scratch!

Posted by Ilana Angel

My, my, my.  After an insanely excruciating season, the Real Housewives of New Jersey came to a screaming halt and it is bittersweet.  I am thrilled because this show sucked this season, but disappointed that it’s over because as bad as it was, it is crack, and not having it will be hard.  I will go into withdrawal and be forced to watch the Real Housewives of Miami, which is simply awful.  Lucky for us all the ladies of Beverly Hills will be back in a few weeks and allow us to once again fuel our addiction for garbage.

Before we even get started, I feel the need to clarify that I am not a fan of Jacqueline Laurita.  I will go even further and say I think she is simply horrible. She is, in my opinion, a terrible friend, pathological liar, drunk, pill popper, and a bad mother.  I think these things because she has shown them all to be true on the show.  We all watch this train wreck and see it differently, but if you watch and do not see these things about Jac, don’t read my blog because it will piss you off.  Save yourself and look away.

Important to note that while I like Andy Cohen, he is useless on these reunion shows.  He is biased, which I get because I am too, but it is not my job to be impartial.  I am a blogger who writes things as I see them.  I have no obligation to any “team”, because the only opinion I am paid to share is my own.  Andy however, is unable to keep himself neutral and it is gross.  He needs to remove himself from the reunions because he sucks all the joy out of it and makes it all even more stressful for those of us watching.

The third installment of the reunion starts with Caroline predicting Juicy will go to prison and Teresa will divorce him.   What a bitch.  She then backpedals and says it was a hypothetical statement, and Juicy couldn't care less.  Juicy tells Caroline he does not care about what she says, Jac shares her drunk and unimportant opinion, and Caroline turns it all around and brings it back to selling magazines.  Jac and Caroline share that she and Jac are always asked to be o covers and I’m laughing because there is just no way.

I would not buy a magazine with Caroline or Jac on the cover.  They are despicable women who have nothing of interest to say.  Kathy pipes up and it is weird because we all forgot she was there.  Juicy tells her to shut up and sit there.  Jac is talking about how great her life is and they are fine with money, and Joe tells her nobody cares about her or her money and she can eat her money.  I am loving me some Juicy Joe.  He is the only person from this entire franchise who seriously does not care about any of it.

Andy asks Juicy about his legal woes and Joe tells him to call his lawyer and he will tell him anything he wants.  It’s lame that Andy is even talking about it.  All Andy wants to talk about are things that the women will attack Teresa on, and things that will hurt her feelings.  So stupid.  Juicy is holding his own, and so is Teresa.  Jac keeps talking about stuff she knows nothing about, and it is annoying.  That Andy is not controlling her outbursts is a shame.  By Andy of course I mean Bravo should give her another Xanax.

Andy keeps pushing the legal issues and Teresa says she asked her family not to talk about it.  Jac is screaming about why Teresa can talk about it, but nobody else can.  Melissa says they were all worried about her and wanted to help.  It is ridiculous.  Jac is a complete moron and Melissa is a pathological liar.  Melissa says the family told Teresa not to talk about her being a stripper, but Andy does not ask about that.  Why would they ask Tre not to discuss it?  Melissa was a stripper.  Who cares?  Enough already.

I really don’t care about Joe’s legal crap.  If he goes to jail it will be sad for his family and I would hate to see it happen.  Important to note that he did not kill anyone.  He may have been unethical and stupid, but nobody was killed.  He may be a shmuck, but he is not Tony Soprano so lets please cut the guy some slack.  That part of their lives is complicated and we will never know the whole story so why are we even talking about it?  It’s none of our business and we need to leave that part of the story out of it.

Jac is screaming about her finances being fine and Juicy is calling her husband a “MoMo”, which I think is similar to a putz.  Jac is going on about how she was not a stripper and her husband did not meet her in Vegas. Apparently he met her at a “trade show” in Chicago.  I’m guessing she was “working” in Chicago.  He was engaged to someone else and dumped her for Jac.  I’d like to hear from that chick.  In her attempt to not look like a Vegas stripper, Jac made herself look like a travelling whore instead.

Joe Gorga, Rich and Chris join Juicy.  Albert is not there because he had to work.  By work of course I mean his mistress probably got her panties in a twist about him doing it and insisted he stay home to “work”.   Andy starts with Joe and Juicy and their relationship.  Joe says he does not understand their feud and Juicy says he wishes he did not need to even see Joe.  Melissa says there was tension between them from the moment they met, Teresa says that is not true.  Melissa never should have done the show.

Sidebar: Rich and Kathy Wakile are truly disgusting people.  Kathy brings nothing to this show and Rich brings things we don’t want to see or hear. Andy asks Richie if he feels his discussions of his erection were inappropriate and he says he is healthy and that’s life.  Kathy says his erection is her alarm clock and I want to cut myself.  These people are not cute, not funny, and not entertaining.  If Andy brings them back he has lost his mind.  When is he going to start listening to the fans about this show?

Joe says he may have gone on the show to get closer to Teresa.  Really?  Joe went on the show because his wife told him to and he loves her.  He sacrificed his relationship with his parents and sister to build his relationship with his wife.  We all get it, just own that your wife is to blame here.   Juicy and Teresa are talking to Joe, and Jac gets involved.  Jac is acting strange and it is sad.  This woman needs an intervention and her lovely husband needs to wake up and help her because she is a mess.

Juicy calls Joe out on not paying his bills, Joe calls juicy a bum, Melissa blames Teresa for everything, Caroline is trying to figure out how to restore her reputation, Kathy is invisible and not sure what is happening because she is a moron, and Jac is not sure what is happening because she is high as a kite.  Teresa is laughing at all of them and then we start again with Jac’s ramblings.  Jac is talking about her being a hooker at a trade show and Kathy gets involved.  Joe tells Kathy to “go scratch”.  I love Juicy.

Again with the strippers.  Everyone is talking over each other, Andy sits there and does not control the madness.  We learn Joe was a stripper when he was young.  Dear Lord.  These people are humiliating themselves, their parents, and their children.  I don’t know that 15 minutes and a few dollars is worth all this, but to each their own.   Joe is crying and talking about how broken he is to have lost his family this way, and Melissa is sitting there, rolling her eyes, and trying to look innocent when it is all her fault.

Richie and Juicy are screaming at each other but I’m not listening because I don’t really care.  Andy is now talking to Chris about Dina.  Chris is a sweet guy, and I feel bad for him.  That said, we learned he cheated on a fiancé with a whore, we see his wife lashing out on Twitter, and he does nothing to reel her in.  He may be a nice guy, but I have no respect for him that he allows his wife to behave this way when they have young children who need her.  He needs to man up and shut her up.  Know that Chris.

We get a recap of the Posche fashion show and the mess with Kim D. and Angelo.  Joe tells Teresa he will forgive her if she just acknowledges that she said Melissa was a stripper.  Teresa refuses to admit it because she says she never said it.  Teresa tells Joe he is breaking their parents heart, and Joe is crying telling her she took them away from him.  Juicy is screaming at Joe to shut up, Teresa is crying and telling Joe she never did, then Jac gets involved and Teresa looses her mind.  It is a horrible scene.

Teresa tells Jac to worry about her own family, Jac tells her to kiss her ass, Teresa tells her to kiss her titties, and the whole thing unravels.  Andy brings in Kim D. to clarify the fashion show and I am laughing because he brought in a mess of a broad to do it.  Kim is a liar, a troublemaker, and is really the one to blame for this family falling apart.  Kim is trying to explain and Jac is getting herself involved again.  Dear Lord.  This show is out of control.  Joe apologizes to Kim for being rude to her at the fashion show.

We learn that Kim is the one who set up Melissa because she was pissed off about something Melissa did.  Really?  Kim ruined a family as a vendetta for a silly business thing.  Everyone is screaming again, Caroline is trying to clear Jac, Jac is trying to blame Teresa, Kim is deflecting all blame, and Juicy is telling Teresa they should leave.  It is really heartbreaking.  Melissa tells Teresa she is done and she will never see her or her children again, Teresa is broken, Joe is broken, and Melissa is gloating. Truly horrific.

The men leave and the final moments are with Andy and the ladies.  He turns to Caroline for the final word and she is back to her old self.  She is trying to be the voice of reason, in order to sell books, but God bless her, she speaks beautifully and it is lovely.  She says she hopes they will all be together again, and I hope she is right.  These relationships will heal when the show ends.  Andy needs to give Teresa her own show, retire New Jersey for a couple of years, and respect the fans enough to start keeping it real.

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