February 25, 2013 | 10:13 pm

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Vive la France

Posted by Ilana Angel

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We start off this week with Kim visiting Kyle so they can pretend to be friends.  Kim is hammered and Kyle is dressed too young for her age in a ridiculous pair of pants.  Kim jumps right into gossiping about Husband Killer being an alcoholic.  Really?  Drunk Kim is going to diagnose Taylor?  This is hilarious.  Kyle insists she has wanted to say something and I fascinated that Kyle is trying to make yet another storyline about her.  Kim and Kyle call Taylor to tell her they are on their way over to “talk”.

We head over to Ken where he is feeding the swans, and you can’t help but have a pang of envy at the life they lead.  Lisa is getting ready for a trip to Saint Tropez to visit Ken’s son from his first marriage.  The son, Warren, is married to one of Lisa’s friends.  It’s a little weird but they have worked through it all and are close now. Ken and Lisa are the best couple ever and watching them prepare for their trip is cute.  That they are taking Giggy with them is even cuter.  I totally dig this couple.

Over at Drunky Husband Killer’s house, Kim cuts to the chase and tells Taylor she thinks she is an alcoholic.  Taylor explains that she does not drink often and has no problem.  Taylor is clearly mortified that these bitches are talking to her on camera, then pulls the poor me Russell died card.  She owns up to drinking to get through it and I actually feel for her.  The best thing Taylor can do for herself and her child is to get the hell off of this show and focus on healing instead of fame whoring.

Over to Yolanda, she is hosting an evening at Mohammed’s house, which lets just clarify, is weird.  Adrienne cancels and Brandi is thrilled.  Her reaction to the cancellation is perfect.  Yolanda is going to Paris, as is Lisa, so it quickly turns into a group trip.  By group trip of course I mean Bravo is going to pay them all to go to Paris so they can have a fight and we can watch them master the art of fake friendships while Kyle makes it all about her.  They can go to classy Paris but it won’t class some of these skanks up.

Yolanda is introducing her husband David to the gang and they get to Marisa and her husband Dean.  Marisa is an idiot and her husband should kick her ass to the curb.  Marisa is embarrassing the Zanuck family and her talk of being bored with her husband and wanting to bang anyone who will have her is gross.  If they make this chick a housewife I will be unable to be kind about her.  And yes, this is my being kind to her.  Kyle arrives in a truly ugly dress and one must mention that Yolanda looks beautiful tonight.

Taylor is not going to Paris so she can focus on her daughter.  By focus of course I mean trying to not lose her again.  The party is a series of conversations that we have all heard before and I am bored.  Yolanda talks to Taylor because she has been hearing from the girls that Taylor is smack talking about her.  I like Yolanda’s balls.  Taylor denies it all and the gossiping is painful.  These women are really mean to each other and I would not want friendships like this in my life.  Not cute at all.

We are off to Saint Tropez to meet Ken’s son, who seems lovely, and his wife, who seems bitchy.  Giggy is adorable, Ken and Lisa are tired but thrilled to be there.  We learn that Ken is 66, which makes Lisa around 50. They look great.  We also learn Ken is a Grandfather as Warren has a 21 year old Grandson who is the same age as his son Max.  It all seems very cool and European.  I don’t know what that means really, but it’s just not that interesting so I am digging deep to write about the visit.

Everyone is gathered at the airport and I am laughing because we are being asked to believe that even though Yolanda and Kyle were already booked for Paris, the entire group is all on the same flight.  Such Bravo bullshit.  Marisa calls to say that she is not coming as her father-in-law passed away.  It is sad.  Sad that he died and sad that Kyle is going to use it as a chance to spew words of wisdom about life being short.  Dear Lord this woman bugs the crap out of me.  Off to Paris we go.  Au revoir!

The hotel in Paris is gorgeous.  Lisa joins in and the festivities are beginning. Everyone is gathering for the first night out and the sight of Giggy in his lavender blinged out shirt is perfection.  Kim arrives and she is wasted on what I would guess is pain meds from her unnecessary nose job. Tonight ends without anything really interesting happening and even though we see fireworks over Paris, there is a promise for some real fireworks next week. I love to blog this show and will beck next week to keep it real.

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February 19, 2013 | 1:35 pm

LeAnn Rimes is Clearly Bored

Posted by Ilana Angel

You can always tell when LeAnn Rimes is bored because she files a new lawsuit.  This chick clearly has too much time on her hands and one can only assume how miserable she must be that suing has become her favorite pastime.  This woman is a mess and I wonder why nobody in her camp is trying to help her, rather than encouraging her bizarre behavior.

I don’t think this woman has one single friend that is not on her payroll.  She has a husband who has no job and is a serial cheater, so that must put her over the edge.  When he is out and she has no idea where he is, instead of using the down time to eat a sandwich or buy an outfit that has not been worn by her husband’s ex-wife, she uses the time to file lawsuits.

The latest filing is against her former dentist who she says has caused her “emotional and psychiatric injuries”.  LeAnn wrote that her “ability to perform as an artist has been and will continue to be significantly compromised until all re-treatment is complete.”  The entire thing is insane and I imagine her dentist is laughing at her like we all are.

The way she describes her teeth issues one could assume she did not brush or floss her teeth for years, or perhaps was a meth addict.  How many people under the age of 30 need 8 root canals in one year?  It sounds a little fishy to me, but then all of her lawsuits are strange. We all know the only reason LeAnn sues is because she is bored and inherently mean.

I have been on the receiving end of her camps legal rants and it is quite entertaining.  For the people she is suing it is a pain in the ass but eventually she will burn through all her money and have to stop with these bullying tactics.  By burn through her money of course I mean her unemployed and cheating husband has already begun the process for her.

Is poor LeAnn Rimes so delusional she thinks her dentist is to blame for her career faltering? It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with her breakdown, lack of personality, or absence of all redeeming qualities.  No!  It is her dentist that caused her career to tank.  I wonder how much she pays people to be her friends and agree with everything she says.

LeAnn Rimes is silly and I enjoy writing about her because in the end she is just funny.  She was blessed with talent and rather than live her best life, she prefers to orchestrate her own train wreck on a daily basis.  It is fascinating to watch and also sad.  Time for this young woman to get a grip, stop suing, eat a sandwich, grow up, and start keeping it real.

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February 18, 2013 | 11:12 pm

The Bachelor – Roses are Starting to Stink

Posted by Ilana Angel

We are enjoying tonight’s episode courtesy of Jose Cuervo.  By enjoying of course I mean booze is required in order for enjoyment to happen. AshLee has the first hometown date and she is going on and on about how much she loves him.  She tells Sean he is just like her dad and it’s odd.  Did she hate her mom more than she loved her dad and therefore ran off to get married? Something does not add up with this chick and while I liked her from the beginning, she is now just a little too creepy for me.

AshLee says she has been waiting for this day since she was 4.  She has brought other men home, and been married, but her love has never been like this before.  AshLee appears to be a little unstable and I feel bad for her mom because we are all watching her and wondering what the hell she did to her kid to make her hate her so much as a teenager.  The whole thing is uncomfortable.  AshLee talks about romance and her parents are a little put off.  Her mom is lovely and wants AshLee to find love.

AshLee’s mom takes Sean off for a chat and they are talking about AshLee’s abandonment issues.  Strange.  Her dad is sweet and I loved his answers to Sean’s question about her previous marriage.  I just don’t see AshLee being the final pick and she is going to lose her mind and spiral out of control at being abandoned by Sean.  She is sweet, and her parents are wonderful, but I am watching her dreams about to shatter and it makes me cry at the exact same time that I am laughing my ass off. Sean is freaked out.

We are off to Seattle to see Catherine.  He sounds like he is talking himself into her and she sounds like she could care less.  It’s very weird.  They are off to meet her mother, grandmother, and two sisters.   Her sisters are obviously jealous and it is hilarious.  The sisters ask Catherine if she would say yes to a proposal and she responds by saying she would give it a try.  Bad answer.  The sisters are not into it, Catherine is not into it, yet here we are in Seattle.  Catherine should be sent home already.  She’s lame.

Sean is meeting with the sisters and they are throwing her under the bus. It is shameful and I find myself hating these bitches right now.  It is not going to work out with whomever he chooses, so why ruin her chances?  They are saying very unflattering things about their sister and it is very unfortunate. The mother is sweet and supports Catherine in a way her sisters could not. Mom tells him to let her know if she is not the one, and Sean wants Mom’s blessing but she does not give him her blessing.

Sean is confused, Catherine is worried, and I am bored.  We are off to see Lindsay who has never been so happy in her whole life.  I think she will be the winner.  They look the best together and seem to have the most in common.  Of course that means she won’t be the winner, but still, she is my favorite.  Sean is nervous to meet her dad who is an Army General.  Sean is cute with her and I see them together.  I bet AshLee is watching this episode at home crying and cutting up a doll that looks just like Lindsay!

Lindsay’s mom is adorable and Sean loves her.  Lindsay is the youngest girl left but she is the most mature.  Sean is off to speak with the General and he is scared, which is super funny.  The General is terrific and I like him a lot.  He gives Sean his blessing and it made my heart flutter.  We don’t really meet the brother but he seems sweet.  The General gives Sean dog tags as a memento of their visit and I will say it again, Lindsay is the winner.  That said, I NEVER guess the winner right.  I hate this show.  I love this show. I never read spoliers!

We just saw a commercial for the Sean Tells All Special that is apparently airing tomorrow night.  Really?  Is ABC high?  Didn’t we talk about this two night bullshit last week?  I AM NOT SITTING THROUGH ANOTHER NIGHT OF THIS.  Dear Lord.  I am totally going to have to watch this show again tomorrow.  My liver is shutting down and I still have an hour to go on this episode.  Why?  Why? Why? Why is this happening?  We are off to Desiree’s house for the final hometown date.  Buckle up people.

Des plays a prank on Sean and it is stupid.  I was not buying it, and I’m not buying that Sean was buying it either.  Her family is sweet and the truth is I liked her parents before we even met them.  They are lovely and she is cute. Her brother Nathan is not into it and thinks the whole thing is stupid.  He does not believe in the process and takes Sean out to put him on blast. I just decided that there is no way I am blogging tomorrow night.  I will tweet about it, but blogging is now out of the question.  Thank you Jose!

The brother says he does not feel the feelings are reciprocated from Sean to Des and it is hilarious.  Sean tries to put her brother at ease but the brother laughs at him.  He calls Sean a playboy and essentially dismisses him. Des is not going to be the big winner. They come back to dinner and everyone knows the brother has messed things up. Des calls her brother out at the table and the awkwardness is outstanding.  Daggers are being thrown while the parents talk about the weather to ease the tension.  Perfection.

Sean can barely kiss Des as the brother has ruined the night and her chances. It’s rose ceremony time and Sean recapping his dates to Harrison makes me want to throw my television out the window.  Sean lets us know Lindsay and AshLee are safe tonight but he is torn between Catherine and Desiree.  Des interrupts the rose ceremony to apologize for her brother. Stupid.  Sean has the final rose in his hands, puts it down and walks away without handing the rose out.  He tells Harrison he likes them both and is unable to make a decision.  He should send them both home.

Sean sends Des home and sits with her outside to talk.  He tells her he is worried he made a mistake and Des agrees.  She is crying, he tells her he prayed on it, and her bitterness is heavy and thick.  He is hugging her, she is complaining, and I want them to wrap it up already.  He whispers to her that he will miss her, and she says then don’t let me go.  Total douchebag thing for him to say.  Which makes sense because in the end Sean is a douchebag. He didn’t start out one, but he sure is one now.

The dramatic music is making me chew on my ice cubes in order to get every last drop of Jose off them.  Next week the final three go to Thailand and then the end is in sight.  Tomorrow promises to be a scripted sack of crap, but I will watch because I am too far in to stop now.  This show makes me angry, does not entertain me, and gives me a headache while watching and a hangover the next day.  I watch, suffer and blog because the last five minutes of the series is worth it.  In the end, for me, romance keeps it real.

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February 18, 2013 | 7:20 pm

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Hypocrite White Party

Posted by Ilana Angel

News came out today that Adrienne Maloof is not returning next season and so watching it this week takes on a whole new joy because Adrienne is a bitch and a liar. Knowing her time here is coming to an end is fabulous.  We begin at Kim’s house where she is unveiling her new nose.  It would appear she also got her boobs done.  Are those puppies new? 

Faye the skanky whore arrives with Kyle and they bring Kyle’s daughter along with Husband Killer’s daughter Kennedy.  Marisa arrives, who cares, then Taylor calls in drunk off her ass.  She is in love and jetting off to bang some loser and has no idea where her baby is.  She is surprised to learn she is with Kyle and it is just very sad and scary for Kennedy.

Adrienne, the lying sack of steaming crap arrives. Then Kyle and Kim immediately start the gossiping and Marisa says Taylor always leaves Kennedy with Kyle a lot.  Marisa says she would never go away with a guy on a whim.  Really?  Marisa has made it very clear she would love to go away with a new guy for a weekend.  These chicks are insane and crack me up.

Adrienne tells Kim Paul could have done a better job on her nose.  Adrienne is an idiot. Kim’s plastic surgeon arrives to remove the bandages for the big reveal and I am seriously not getting it.  Kim is a freak, and having a party to show her nose is just weird.  Showing it on television is creepy. Kyle makes it all about her and if I were Kim I would stay clear of Kyle at all costs.

Everyone is drooling over the nose and I honestly can’t see the difference. Adrienne is again saying her husband, the man she hates and says abuses her and her kids, would have done as good of a job.  Faye looks on wondering if she should get one too, and Kyle is wondering if it’s time to get her chin worked on.  I cannot stand these Richards women and their friends.

We are at Adrienne’s for a fake family day by the pool and Paul smells a fire. Adrienne gets in the car with her kids and drives off while Paul stays back to take pictures.  Adrienne tells the camera his choosing to stay was a big mistake.  Really?  After all the crap they talk about each other, and we all know the marriage was over already, she thinks that was his big mistake?

Kyle is preparing for her white party and we cut to Adrienne and Paul heading to Kyle’s. Kyle is getting ready and the yard is not done so once again the editing on this show sucks.  Faye is with Kyle and just the sight of her makes me feel sick to my stomach.  Paul and Adrienne are in the car bashing Brandi and denying that they have done anything wrong. Epic losers.

Kyle says the party last year was so bad she thought about not having the party this year.  Such a crock of sh*t.  She would do anything and everything for camera time so there was no way the party was not happening.  Lisa and Ken arrive, followed by Brandi and her pal Jennifer.  Lisa lets us how Adrienne’s self tanner has been left on furniture all over town.

Taylor arrives and acts as if her taking off and dumping her child was totally cool.  She is a husband killing, money hungry, fame whore and I think she is disgusting.  May God bless that little girl and hold her close because the dad is gone and her mom is certifiable.  I am thrilled that Adrienne is not coming back and seriously hope Taylor gets the boot with her.

There is not a lot happening in this episode and it is all quite boring.  Brandi is feeling uncomfortable but greets Kim and then takes off Lisa for a chat while Adrienne is telling everyone how she stained Lisa’s furniture.  Adrienne appears to be a little off.  By off of course I mean a pill may have accidentally gone down her throat.  Allegedly.  (She likes to sue.)

Brandi sends for Adrienne so they can chat and Lisa lets us know in the battle of wits it will be unfair as Adrienne is unarmed.  Hilarious.  Adrienne and Paul go to speak with Brandi who has Jennifer there for back up. Adrienne says a letter is not a lawsuit, and Brandi says the letter resulted in her needing a lawyer and Adrienne says she had to hire one too.

Brandi is telling them why she was upset, Adrienne denies it all, and Paul is trying to take over the conversation.  Paul is defending Bernie, which is hilarious because Paul is now also suing Bernie.  Too funny.  Brandi provides Paul with back up and Adrienne looks on as Paul reads it.  Adrienne is a pig, and now we all know that Paul knows it too.  He must feel like a fool.

It is sad that Brandi needs to carry around her letters of proof but I guess one needs to be armed at all times when entering a lion’s den.  Lisa is talking with Kyle who is doing her lip pursing thing that makes her look stupid and her chin look weak.  Lisa is supporting Brandi and calling Kyle out for not being supportive when last year she lost her mind over the same issues.

Adrienne did not take legal action against Brandi in the same way President Clinton did not have sexual relations with that woman.  Taylor is now calling Kyle out for kicking her and Russell out last year, yet allowing Adrienne and Paul to be there.  The whole thing is ridiculous and the only thing we know for sure is that Kyle causes problems, then walks away from them.

The entire group is now talking about what is going on and Taylor is still calling out Adrienne and Paul but they are not having it.  Paul tries to imply something inappropriate is going on with Brandi and Ken and the whole thing is gross.  I am over this show.  Next week Kim tells Taylor she is a drunk.  I mean Kim, while drunk, tells Taylor that she, Taylor, is a drunk. Oy vey.

Also next week, a group of people who cannot stand each other will go to Paris on holiday.  Dear Lord.  It is time for new cities and new casts.  The Real Housewives franchise is dying a slow and painful death and we are all still watching so it will never end.  It’s our own fault for watching a reality show that is not entertaining and unable on any level to keep it real.

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February 18, 2013 | 5:02 pm

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Suck Without NeNe

Posted by Ilana Angel

Miss NeNe

We are back in Atlanta and it is pageant time with Cynthia.  We are at the Bailey School and see the posters for Cynthia’s pageant, which has a big picture of Cynthia on it.  So lame.  Kenya is there with a young girl she is mentoring.  Really?  Kenya is a lunatic.  Cynthia tells Kenya she cut ties with Porsha.  We learn she is going to host the pageant with Boris Kodjoe. 

After Cynthia lost her mind on Kenya last time she helped her out, Cynthia tells Kenya she can be a judge at the Miss Renaissance pageant.  Dear Lord. Cynthia Bailey is a moron.  Over with Porsha, who I should mention is just as dumb as Cynthia, is with her very bossy husband.  She orders a Sprite, he changes it to wine, and I do not like them separately or together.

He wants her to have a baby and to stay home and raise the child on her own, with no nanny.  She wants a nanny but he prefers she do it on her own. She suggests she  “borrow” her brother’s child for a week to see if she can handle being a mother.  Porsha is a dingbat, her husband is a pig, and why would her brother “lend” his baby for a week? He knows how dumb she is.

Phaedra is having Kandi over for dinner and Chef Roble is cooking.  It gets sexual and I’m not getting it.   They are sitting for dinner in a room that appears to be decorated by Ikea and I am confused.  Kandi is planning a trip to LA for the girls to visit NeNe, followed by time in Las Vegas.  They are talking about Kandi’s new gospel career.

Marvin Sapp is there to meet with Kandi to record her gospel song.  She sells sex by day and praises the Lord by night.  God bless her.  Kandi is unappealing and appears to have very little self-confidence.  I sometimes think it is cute, but lately I find it more annoying than anything else.  Kandi’s dad stops by and he was not at all what I was expecting.

We hear Kandi’s song and it sounds like her songs from last season.  Nothing new here.  I like the term “Prayed Up” and so maybe Marvin can help her along because I don’t hear a hit here on her own. Her dad reminds me of Billy Dee Williams circa Mahogany, and I like him.  He likes the Lord and bless him for loving his kid and seeing the joy her music brings.

NeNe is in town for a quick minute and Cynthia stops by to visit.  Cynthia tells NeNe that Kenya is going to be a judge at the pageant and NeNe reminds her that Kenya is a crazy person and Cynthia is a fool for inviting her to participate.  NeNe should not even appear on this show anymore.  She is better than all of this and she is slumming it every time she stops by.

I love NeNe and really only enjoy this show when she is on, but I love her too much not say that she needs to get the hell off of this show and go solo. NeNe knows that everyone is coming to Los Angeles to see her and she is prepared for it to go badly.  This show may have made NeNe known, but I truly hope it is not the thing that now brings her down too.

The baby is with Porsha and she thinks she is ready.  She picks her up by one arm, watches as the baby plays with the dog food, puts her foot in her poop while changing the diaper, and leaves the baby on the bed with her dog as the babysitter.  The baby is off wondering the house, Porsha is ready for her husband to get home, and I am seriously bored.

It is pageant time and I am laughing my ass off.  This is hilarious.  The pageant guy is predictable, and we see Cynthia goes to pick up Boris by herself.  He is in a button down shirt and jeans, no suit.  Kandi shows up in a rather unfortunate dress, and Kenya comes with her Miss USA sash.  I am so excited about this train wreck.  Sidebar: Cynthia needs some Spanx.

The script is wrong, Cynthia is sweating, Boris is a dumbass, and everyone is laughing.  Kenya is acting normal which means something weird is definitely happening in Atlanta this week.  These women are boring without Nene and seeing NeNe feels weird because she just does not belong here anymore. Atlanta has been ruined and watching it is now hard.

The pageant is awkward and I am ready for it to be over.  Cynthia is saying how legit and fabulous she is, Kenya is reminding us this is her thing, and the winner is crying and falling to the floor in amazement.  Next week the ladies will be in LA with Nene so we’ll see how that plays out.  I will tune in to watch because with NeNe we know at least one perosn will be keeping it real.

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February 18, 2013 | 2:16 pm

The Dark & Dirty Shahs of Sunset Reunion

Posted by Ilana Angel

A reunion for this show was probably not a good idea.  We saw these people first season and it was love, on the second season the shine was off and we saw that perhaps they were not as great as we thought, then we get this and see that there are not a lot of redeeming qualities about these people.  They are rude, raunchy, not particularly bright, and quite mean.

Andy starts with Lily who spends five minutes telling us she does not need to talk about how rich she is, then spends another five minutes showing us exactly how rich she is.  She is freakishly pretty, has a somewhat deformed looking body, and a voice that makes me cringe, but there is something sweet about her.  By sweet of course I mean stupid can be charming.

The show begins with Reza comparing the trimming of his mustache to the manscaping of Mike’s genitals. I should have turned it off right away but now I’m sucked in and have to finish.  My prediction is that this reunion is going to make it hard for the cast to come back as it is because we are not going to like them, and we know all their relationships are fake.

We get a recap of how hard these people party and it is hard to believe how old they are.  They are behaving like college kids, not mature adults with jobs and responsibilities.  I am embarrassed for them right now.  Lily admits to being uptight, MJ admits to not remembering things when she is drunk, and Mike tells us he is posing for Playgirl.  Please make this end.

The conversation quickly goes to MJ being an addict.  Asa is convinced MJ is sedated all the time and she is concerned.  Everyone jumps on the bandwagon and the show is now about throwing MJ under the bus.  Reza says she has known MJ for 20 years and she has a pill addiction.  The reunion has now turned into an episode of Intervention.  This is not cool.

Reza is dealing with fallout in his family for making out with his boyfriend on camera.  Lily didn’t tell her parents she was even going to be on this show. We then get a recap of exactly how mean they have all been to each other all season.  The amount of crap they talk about each other is fascinating and you have to wonder if any friendships will survive this show.

GG and Asa are hashing it out and it is sad.  These people were ruined by fame and are poster children for why you should not do a reality television show.  GG refers to Asa as “that thing” and it is on.  It ends in screaming and we see it will pick up next weekend with even more screaming. This show is bad, the reunion is disturbing, and nobody is keeping is real.

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February 12, 2013 | 5:43 pm

The Bachelor: Tierra Runs Out of Meds

Posted by Ilana Angel

We are now in St. Croix with Bachelor Sean and the remaining six women.  Two will go home this week leaving the final four for the hometown dates next week.  It is just so drawn out at this point.  Two hours is not needed.  By not needed of course I mean it is torturous.  This show should be on as a recap for 15 minutes every week online so we can skip the two painful hours.   I have margaritas tonight, thank God.

The ladies are dolled up in their best Old Navy clothes, walking through their hotel room.  Tierra decides she is going to set up a cot in a sitting room rather than bunk with the other girls.  She is a lunatic and I wonder how many of her bags are actually holding her meds.  AshLee gets the first one-on-one which thrills her and pisses off Tierra.  Tierra calls AshLee a cougar because she is the oldest one there at 32.

By nightmare of course I mean when this show is over she is going to milk her 15 minutes and we will see her everywhere.  AshLee was so sweet when she first spoke of her adoption and finding a family, but now it is gross.  She is going on and on about her struggles and it is no longer cute.  She is a whiner and better knock it off already.  Back at the house the other women are hoping AshLee rats out Tierra and her bad behavior.

AshLee uses her alone time with Sean to talk about the instability of Tierra. Tattling is never a good thing on this show, but she is doing it anyway.  Sean has been annoyed by tattling up to now, but all of a sudden he is grateful for the tattling because Ashlee is so honest and he can trust her.  Hang on a minute there Sparky.  Sean is as sweet as he is dumb.  The romantic music while AshLee talks about their love is making me nauseous.

Tierra gets the next one-on-one date and it appears to be a day exploring the town.  That is not good enough for her. She is complaining about the heat and bugs rather than be excited that she is finally getting a date with Sean.  She is a miserable bitch and I image she did not plan to be here this long and is quickly running out of her meds.  Meanwhile back with AshLee and Sean, she is going to reveal a deep, dark secret from her past.

AshLee tells Sean she got married at 17 and is divorced.  She spoke about how blessed she was to have such a wonderful family, now tells us she hated her mom and to escape her and piss her off, she got married while she was a junior in high school, and got divorced by 18.  Born again virgin Sean is not marrying this chick.  Bless her.  He is not going for this and cannot even hide his surprise and disgust.  He still makes out with her though.

Tierra gets her date and looks dirty. They shop and he buys her stuff that means nothing to him and everything to her.  A parade miraculously appears down Main Street and they join in for dancing.  Tierra is medicated and I would love to have one minute to go through her purse.  Back at the house AshLee tells the girls she ratted out Tierra so they are happy.

Sean, as directed by the producers, wants to talk about what is going on in the house.  Tierra says the reason the other girls hate her is because of him giving her the first rose.  He set her up for failure.  Interesting ploy.  She tells him at dinner that she feels distance between them.  Man she is good. She is playing Sean like a fiddle and showing how dumb he is.

The girls are assuming there will be a fight between Tierra and AshLee.  It will be lame which is a drag because I am hammered and some chick fighting would be awesome right now.   Sean goes to wake up the three group date chicks at 4 am for their day.  I am skipping over this because it is too stupid.  Even drunk I know this is too stupid.  Not good for ABC.

The date is to be the first people in the United States to see the sunrise, then drive across the island and watch the sunset at the end of the date. Perfect date if you ask me.  Shame it is them and not me and my Englishman. Some of these great dates are wasted on dumb people.  I have nothing against dumb people of course. Except those on The Bachelor.

Lesley gets the next one-on-one date and she is so excited that you know she is going home.  On the group date there is one rose and the girls are going to fight for it.  Lindsay takes him off and they reminisce about their journey. They are cute and I am ready for this show to be over.  He should just pick her I think and get on with it. Enough already.

Catherine takes him off next and tells Sean her Dad will not be on her hometown date because he is in China.  He tried to kill himself in front of her when she was 14.  Isn’t she the one whose friend died at camp?  What the hell is wrong with this chick sharing all this stuff?  While heartbreaking stories, she is just weird and I am not into her at all.

It is Desiree’s turn and she starts crying.  Oh. My. God.  How are these chicks passing their mental evaluations?  They are all convinced they will get the date rose because of all their deep sharing, but it goes to Lindsay, who shared nothing.  She is just cute and the others must have known that he was going to pass their freaky asses up. Oh dear. Such drama.

Sean is going on his on-on-one date with Lesley.  Watching her is like watching paint dry.  He is bored and checking in with her to see if she is worth keeping, but he knows it is time for her to go home.  She is going on and on about how much she is falling in love with him. Kiss of death.  She needs to just go home and meet a nice Republican.

Sean’s sister Shay comes for a visit and brings nothing of interest to the table.  Put these two together and we exactly how plain white toast this man is. They are nice, charming, and boring as hell.  Sean tells Shay he has concerns with Tierra and they agree Shay should meet her so she can help him decide if she is good, or evil like the girls say.

Tierra confronts AshLee and asks why she is sabotaging her relationship. AshLee is cool and not into a fight.  She is a mean girl in the end and I find myself feeling bad for Tierra.  Tierra storms off while AshLee goes to talk to the other women.  They both accuse each other of lying.  AshLee is done, Tierra is calm, and I can feel my liver shriveling up.

AshLee says Tierra’s parents told her she would not do well on the show because chicks don’t like her.  Really?  Did I miss something?  Tierra says her parents told her to not let anyone take away her sparkle.  I am now laughing my ass off and it is not only the booze. Did we meet Tierra’s parents and I forgot?  I really need to curb my drinking.

Tierra is over it, Sean is there to get her, and I am about to cut myself. Tierra fake cries with no tears and tells Sean how sad she is.  She is whining and going on and on about how hard it is and how sensitive it is.  She is trying to get a rose up front but in the end she is digging her own grave.  He leaves for a minute and she thinks he is going to get a flower.

Instead he goes out for some fresh air and returns to send her home.  She is in shock but clearly pissed, then she is out.  She puts up no fight which is surprising.  He walks her out and the other chicks don’t know what has happened. Tierra apologizes and leaves without any hysterics.  This is an epic disappointment and shame of ABC for giving us this crap.

Tierra needed to go home because she was out of medicine.  She looses it in the car for a second but who cares.  She is crying that she wants to go home and cursing the girls, hoping they got what they wanted.  She then must have taken a pill because she goes from hysterical to fuzzy in an instant.  Crazy has gone home and one more is right behind her.

Sean comes in and tells the women Tierra has gone home and there is not a cocktail party, only a rose ceremony. AshLee is worried she is going home and cries to add some punch.  Lesley is going home but Catherine is crying. Why is Catherine crying?  Lesley is crying too but she is cool while Catherine is just weird.   Catherine thinks she should have gone.

Catherine will bow out next week and it will be gross.  I am not reading any spoilers and so I honestly don’t know how it will end but I’m guessing wedding dress Lindsay is the big winner.  By big winner of course I mean big loser because it won’t last.  I love the hometown dates so next week will be fun and require less booze for me to keep it real.

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February 12, 2013 | 9:06 am

Real Housewives of Atlanta - No NeNe, No Good

Posted by Ilana Angel

The ladies of the south are back and I have missed them.  I love blogging about them because they are crazy.  There is not enough Nene for my tastes, but here we are so let the games begin.  We are starting off with Porsha dress shopping and I am pouring drink number one.  By drink number one of course I mean I am on my second drink.  God bless my liver.

Porsha is at home having had a bunch of dresses delivered.  She is with her sister and her mom.  Does anyone else think her mom looks like Beyonce’s mom?  Porsha is just so dumb.  Listening to her talk makes me laugh because it is as if she is struggling to pronounce the easiest of words. She reminds me so much of Melissa Gorga. They may actually share one brain.

It is a little creepy to me how concerned with her husband her mother and sister are.  I guess everyone sucks up to the cash cow.  Off to Phaedra, she is at Kandi’s for a visit.  Kandi offers her Kool Aid or iced tea, then makes it from powder.  Strange.  If you knew she was coming why wouldn’t it be ready and cooling in the fridge?  Kandi is odd and Phaedra is fake.

Kandi jumps right into the gossip and as much I like Phaedra, she is not a good enough actress to hide how mean she is deep down.  She can put on the southern charm, but we all know.  Kandi loves to gossip and it makes her unappealing.  Over with Kenya, she is having a biopsy on lumps found in her breast.  It is a scary thing and I feel for her.

That said, her green contact lenses are giving my vertigo and I cannot look at her as she speaks.  Her doctor is lovely but do we really need to watch the procedure? Does Bravo think they are doing a public service?  Dear Bravo, we are all drunk and so while it is important, we are skipping over the entire thing. Kenya is a crazy person.  Bless her.

Porsha is looking at a venue for a party and her sister and niece are there. The baby is losing it and Porsha does not know what to do.  Babies love her so she is confused.  The baby is in full blown melt down and it is perfection. Porsha is painful to watch.  We jump to Cynthia who is talking about how brilliant she is, then talks smack about Porsha to her staff.

Porsha comes to a meeting with Cynthia, who is upset she moved the meeting from her house to the office.  Porsha says her husband is out of town and she does not have people to her home, but Cynthia and her staff are being rude and bitchy.  Porsha’s cleaning lady calls and she takes the call while Cynthia gets even more pissed off.  Cynthia is as dumb as Porsha.

Porsha is talking with her husband and he is horrible.  I don’t know if he is trying to be funny, but he is condescending and rude.  Porsha is trying to talk to him but he is being bossy and it is not cute.  Porsha says everyone is guilty until proven guilty.  She is a dingbat and her husband is a pig.  We jump to Kandi trying to sell something new.  A gospel album.

Kandi tells us she has no time to be creative.  Really?  She needs to have time to be creative?  She tells us she has gained weight, but is not pregnant. She is in love and wants to focus on making money.  Back with Porsha and Cynthia, they are meeting again so Porsha can check her, but Cynthia has her own agenda.  Their friendship is fake and scripted.

Cynthia fires Porsha.  She feels she is not focused and so she does not need her help.  Porsha is surprised and I am bored.  I am half a bottle in at 38 minutes.  We get a quick minute of Nene but it is all a tease and we are not seeing her this week.  Such a drag.  She makes this show interesting and we hardly ever see her.  Getting a quick look makes it worse.

I don’t think Kandi is that great of a singer so spending so much time on her singing is boring.  She is turning to God and wants to sing about it.  I love gospel music and wish her well, but enough already. Do people buy her records? Is she a big deal and I just don’t know it?  She is staying prayed up and I like it, but would never listen to it other than here.

It is time for Porsha’s party and she is ready for her hubs turning 40.  She looks like the perfect Tranny Barbie.  The party looks empty and quite lame, but there is a step and repeat with all the sponsors and it shows that everything about Porsha is fake. This is about money, not her husband turning 40.  Kandi arrives and Porsha is too dumb to believe.

Cynthia and Peter arrive, out of respect, even though she just fired Porsha’s ass.  Porsha is “perterd” with Cynthia and I am dying.   Walter arrives, but Kenya is not invited.  Gross that she invited him.  He’s not a part of the group, she is, and there are rules.  This is breaking one as far as I am concerned.  Walter confirms they are broken up to Peter.

Cordell talks to Cynthia and Peter about keeping steady and not fighting with Porsha.  He is talking about the girls but looking at Peter.  Cordell is a pig and he has no respect for his wife other than as a trophy.  A really shiny and pretty, but hollow trophy.  Important to note that Kenya does not have cancer and can move ahead with being miserable and crazy.

These women are fun to watch because they are crazy and predictable.  We know they are going to act out and try to hurt each other because that is how they roll, but it turns out the main reason this show is watchable at all is because if NeNe.  With her essentially gone this week I was bored and she is not here next week I am out.  NeNe is what is keeping it real.

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