March 18, 2013 | 6:43 pm

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills High School

Posted by Ilana Angel

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We are back in Beverly Hills and I must tell you that this show frustrates me and I find myself getting angry as I watch, which I don’t think is the goal of television.  Even really bad reality television.  The bitterness of Adrienne Maloof and the smell of crap that floats out of my television whenever Faye Resnick is on, is becoming too much.  There are moments of greatness with Lisa and Brandi so I stick it out, but between the hags and the Richards sisters, this show is more for mocking than enjoying.  For real.

We start with Lisa who is preparing for her house warming/vow renewal. Her house is magnificent and I often fantasize about stealing her dog Giggy. Sidebar: I find it interesting that Lisa uses a Blackberry and not an iPhone. She is having Brandi over while Adrienne has a party to hock vodka.  I think Adrienne Maloof is a hag. By hag of course I mean a bitter and nasty troll who sucks the joy out of every room she enters. She’ll probably want to sue me now. Adrienne you can ask Brandi for my address. For real.

Brandi arrives to Lisa’s for a massage and she looks insane.  Who is really that tall and thin?  Whatever.  They talk about Adrienne’s party and how both of them are happy to not be going.  Lisa was invited, and Brandi was not, but both agree she is a fame whore who is always trying to sell something.  The consensus is that Adrienne is just not a happy person. Cut to Paul wondering around his own home as if he’s a guest.  That marriage was fake and we all know it.  Adrienne knows it. How did he last so long?

Adrienne humiliates her husband in front of everyone, treating him like an annoying child, not the man she shares a home with.  She made him look like a loser for years so it will be interesting to see how he reinvents himself now that he is out from under her thumb.  Over at the massage, it is odd that Brandi and Lisa are having massages by only one masseuse.  He appears to be going back and forth between them and that is just weird. That said, their friendship is fun and I’m glad they have each other for support.

Adrienne’s party is cheap and tacky, much like her clothes.  Camille is there and I am rolling my eyes because who cares about her?  Marisa is there scoping out men and Kyle arrives in desperate need of a bra.  Yolanda is looking elegant and classy as she watches in amazement as the girls do shots and tie one on. Marisa talks about a text she got from Brandi telling her to cheat on her husband, and he can cheat on her, so it is fair.  Everyone talks about what a great marriage Marisa has and I wonder, are they high?

Marisa appears to have a horrible marriage.  She constantly humiliates her husband and speaks of other men in a way that is uncomfortable.  She is not sure if Brandi is inviting herself to a threesome, but rather than ask Brandi about it, she reads the text to the entire group and invites a Brandi bashing. The talk is about Brandi’s failed marriage and threesomes when Yolanda steps in and tells her she should talk to Brandi, not the group.  Marisa thinks Brandi has the hots for Dean and I am laughing.  Not gonna happen.

Kyle says Brandi would never sleep with a married man, based on her history, cut to Faye Resnick who says Brandi had sex in the bathroom at Kyle’s white party.  Faye Resnick is a whore.  By whore, of course I mean a whore.  She is ignorant, repulsive, hideous, dirty, skanky, mentally deficient, and in my opinion, as smart as an animal that eats their own shit. I do not understand why she is on this show when so many watchers have expressed their hatred of her.  She is a parasite and she is ruining this show for everyone.

Adrienne tells the group Brandi has thrown them all under the bus and Yolanda is not standing for it.  She tells them to stop and they do.  By stop of course I mean they break off into smaller groups and keep talking about the same thing.  Camille and Marisa are blowing smoke up Adrienne’s ass, while Yolanda tells Kyle that the girls need to grow up and talk to each other, not just about each other.  Paul dresses up as a tree and Adrienne calls him pathetic and an attention whore. Yeah, they’re happy.

Lisa announces that Adrienne and Paul said they are getting separated. Nobody who knows them can be even remotely surprised.  Lisa’s home is getting ready for the house warming/vow renewal.  The house is looking fabulous as Kevin Lee works his magic.  Brandi is on her way to the party with her pal Jennifer.  Brandi admits she is not surprised, and wonders if it is a publicity stunt.  Adrienne is too dumb to make up something like that. Kyle is shocked while complaining about being famous.  Such a troll.

Brandi tells Jennifer about the things Marisa said at Adrienne’s party.  She heard from Yolanda, who is proving to be fabulous.  Brandi wants to give her the benefit of the doubt but trust is broken and it is going to go down.  Only in Beverly Hills do you drive up a pink carpet to a party.  Everyone is arriving and the festivities are about to begin.  Lisa is at the door greeting everyone and I think it is lovely. Kyle wants to gossip the second she arrives we are reminded that Kyle is a complete and total loser.  For real.

Mauricio figures out they are renewing their vows and craps all over the day by saying how odd it is to celebrate a marriage when one is ending.  Really? Mauricio is a tool.  Adrienne is feeding stories to a gossip site, Brandi knows, and it is ridiculous.  The talk of the party is Adrienne and Paul and I think it is rude.  They can’t possibly care this much.  Everyone blames Brandi for putting stress on Adrienne’s marriage forgetting that we watched this marriage end long before Brandi joined the cast.  Dumbasses.

David Foster’s ex-wife Linda comes as a guest of Taylor and it is just too much.  Why the hell would husband killer invite her?  I am telling you people, I cannot wait for Taylor and Adrienne to be gone.  Now if we can knock off the Richards sisters we will be in business.  A girl can dream.  Cut to Marisa kissing up to Kyle.  Faye arrives and I am about done.  There is simply no way Lisa invited her.  No way.  Yolanda calls Marisa over to out her gossiping in front of Brandi. Marisa tries to backpedal and Yolanda is not having it.

Yolanda calls out Marisa for lying and Marisa is scrambling.  She admits she wants to have sex with a man right there, not her husband, and I am loving me some Yolanda Foster.  Bravo.  Marisa, Brandi and Yolanda are getting heated and everyone notices and wants to be a part of it because it means camera time.  Kyle says she does not want to get involved, and Faye the wretched whore, says we have to go over there.  Important to note that she is wearing a dress that is way too young for her old lady ass.

Faye goes up to the table and Brandi tells her she is not involved in it and she can go.  Faye responds by telling Brandi she is involved with everything. Really?  I’d like my shoe to get involved with your ass Faye. Faye asks Brandi why she doesn’t act like a lady. Faye tells Yolanda she is being led down a road by a bad girl and she wants to protect her. Yolanda lets her know she can handle herself.  Yolanda then asks Faye to leave and she won’t go.  Then all 59 minutes are worthwhile because Brandi is television perfection.

Brandi tells the camera that Faye walks over, puts her dick on the table, and wants to talk.  Hilarious.  Faye is a tucker and bless Brandi for keeping it real.  Faye Resnick is a pig and only wishes she was as beautiful, funny, charming, and fabulous as Brandi Glanville.  For real.  Faye then says that Brandi is to blame for ruining Adrienne’s marriage.That’s enough for everyone. Marisa tells her she is wrong while Brandi and Yolanda walk away. The rest will be revealed next week on the season finale.

We will not only get the season finale, but we will get part one of the reunion. I love the good girls, Lisa, Brandi, Yolanda, enough to stick around through the crap with the bad girls, Kyle, Kim, Taylor, Adrienne. Faye is a piece of garbage and Camille is irrelevant so they don’t matter.  It will be interesting to see what happens next week, who will come back next season, and how much Bravo will listen to the people who make them money. Bravo needs to pay attention because we are the ones keeping it real.

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March 18, 2013 | 11:58 am

Celebrity Apprentice – Week 3 Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

I love this show and while I miss a cast of regular people, there is nothing more entertaining than watching famous people humiliate themselves by being themselves.  We are not watching characters, they are being them and more often than not, they are ridiculous and not that appealing. Most of them would be better served to stay away from reality television.  That said, without reality TV Marilu Henner is not getting a paycheck.

Gary Busey is an angel in an earth suit and I believe it.  Well, I believe that he believes it.  He is harmless, very entertaining and Marilu Henner and her pantyhose better back the hell off.  Leave him alone bitch. For Real.  The show stars with Omarosa giving a check for 40K to Michael Clark Duncan’s favorite charity.  She cries with n tears but I don’t care.  This chick is hell on wheels but I want her to win, fake crying or not.

Crystal Light is back to push their new liquid drink and the teams are to make a 5 minute live soap opera.  La Toya is the Project Manager for her team with Stephen Baldwin for the others.  Arsenio is there to help judge, along with Ivanka.  It is weird that it is a soap opera challenge but Lisa Rinna does not want to be the PM.  That is how she got famous and she thinks she can’t do it?  Lisa Rinna is an idiot and her days are numbered.

Stephen Baldwin is a dumbass.  I’m not sure being a loser brother to a genius qualifies you as a celebrity, but here he is, hopefully not for long.  Penn gets exactly how moronic Baldwin is, which makes me love Penn.  Over to the others. La Toya Jackson is unbelievable.  She is a cartoon and I am truly surprised by how mean spirited she is.  Granted Omarosa is a hardcore, La Toya is a bitch.  Another loser sibling of a genius being called a celebrity.

There is no way this show needs to be 2 hours long and is clearly suffering from the same ego as The bachelor.  This show could be an hour and be perfect.  They do a lot of recapping here.  Before the commercial we see what is coming up.  We don’t need to see it because we are already watching. I hate it when a show des not respect her viewers.  We don’t need recapping Mr. Trump.  We want to watch a show not a review of a show.

Omarosa starts to intimidate la Toya but she does not stand a chance and is about to be eaten alive.  Omarosa responds to La Toya standing up for herself by singing some Michael Jackson, which I thought was shitty.  There is a reason Omarosa is labeled a villain.  She not only attacks you, but kills you in a way that leaves you dying a slow and painful death. She takes pleasure in the torture, which on reality TV, is perfection.

La Toya says that it must have been Omarosa that caused Michael Clark Duncan’s heart attack and it is just too much.  I think it was hideous of her to say and she should be ashamed of herself.  Omarosa is off to shop for her task and calls La Toya every 5 minutes to get permission and it is hilarious. She is not going down and masterfully protects herself throughout the entire day. La Toya is so dumb she cannot save herself.

Brandi, the Playboy chick, might actually be dumber than La Toya.  She makes up some word and I cannot stop laughing at her.  I guess when you’re that pretty somethings gotta give.  Susan Lucci comes to help Stephen’s team and Trace is drooling all over her.  It is not cute as much as it is creepy.  Over with the others, they get jack Wagner to help them with their soap.  Jack Wagner ahs not aged well and looks like a turtle.

Arsenio visits both teams to see how they are doing and there is no denying that he is charming.  I really like Arsenio and am glad Celebrity Apprentice brought him back into the spotlight.  The teams are rehearsing and I am bored.  Why do we need to watch the rehearsal if we are going to watch the real thing?  Lame.  Omarosa gets a call from home and needs to leave the task.  Everyone wishes her well but then complains that she left.

Omarosa was with Michael Clark Duncan when he suffered a massive heart attack and the 911 calls are about to be released so she needed to go and take care of it.  We don’t know what was involved, or why she needed to leave, but she did so who cares?  Omarosa is going to talk her way out of anything so the judgment of the others for why she left is a waste of time. She will come looking fragile and they will look heartless.

Sidebar:  I am laughing at myself that I wrote Omarosa will look fragile. Really?  There is nothing fragile about her but I have been drinking wine and once I wrote it, I thought it was funny I left it in.  Omarosa fragile?  That’s a perfect drunk blog statement.  Hilarious.  Claudio takes over the part Omarosa was to do.  Lil Jon is a hoot, Dennis Rodman is fascinating, Omarosa is brilliant, and the others can all go home right now.

Stephen Baldwin in on a power trip and I’m annoyed they will win because it means we are stuck with him for longer.  I honestly cannot stand this guy. Marilu Henner started the show wearing pantyhose, and is now wearing a fanny pack.  Dear Lord.  How old is this woman?  She cannot let go of the 70’s.  Bless her.  Omarosa returns talking crap about not wanting to let them down.  I’m exhausted and we have another hour to go.

I am skipping over the soap opera performances because they are painful. Cut to the boardroom, Omarosa and La Toya are going at it.  Over with Stephen, he says Gary was the weak link, which is lame.  Busey is odd, but he is doing what is asked of him.  These people are trying to get rid of Gary and it is transparent and stupid.  They all look pathetic every time they pick on him and we are reminded why they are former celebrities.

Arsenio is talking about Omarosa leaving and explains that she needed to take care of Michael and so she left.  She sounds heartbroken and their voice is appropriately quivering, but she is not crying.  She turns it on and off like a faucet, albeit a faucet with no running water.  This chick is out of control and if she were ever in prison she’d be the Queen.   In the end Stephen wins and 50K goes to breast cancer research.

Gary Busey is crying because they keep hurting his feelings and he refuses to shake Baldwin’s hand, which is awesome.   Baldwin is a schmuck and Gary is perfection.  Time for someone to get fired, but not before Trump has a conversation about tattoos.  Trump is weird but oddly likeable.  La Toya is trying to make it sound like Omarosa was to blame but the truth is she had nothing to do with the loss. Omarosa is not taking any of it personally.

La Toya is unable to defend herself and starts digging her own grave. Omarosa is actually easting Ms. Jackson alive and much like a lion eating a gazelle in the wild, we cannot turn away from the carnage.  Claudia tries to play innocent and Omarosa starts after her too.  Omarosa is the best thing about this show.  In a moment of true madness, La Toya asks for permission to fire Omarosa.  Dear Lord.  She is just too dumb to believe.

La Toya says she thinks Omarosa is a witch and she does not like her.  Then is what can only be blamed on mental deficiency, La Toya picks Brandi and Dennis to go up for firing, not Omarosa, who just wanted to fire herself. Poor girl.  She is scared of Omarosa that she backs down.  Oy Vey.  Trump gives her several chances to change her mind, but she sticks to her original choices.  This chick needs to be medicated and Trump knows it.

La Toya leaves in tears.  Not because she was fired, but because she realized exactly how stupid she was and that is upsetting to her delicate mind.  In the car ride farewell confessional she says that Omarosa is a snake and probably pulled the cord on Michael Clarke Duncan.  Really?  Jackson is a heartless and stupid bitch and I am glad she is gone.  Next week the attack on Omarosa and Busey continues so I’ll be here, keeping it real.

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March 17, 2013 | 8:36 pm

Mob Wives – Enough with Carla and Love Already

Posted by Ilana Angel

We start this week still in Arizona with Karen and Ramona.  They are at Karen’s storage block so she can look through her files to help get her dad out of jail.  These flashes to her mob life are fascinating and we are reminded that these chicks are legit.  I like Karen now and not just because she scares me.  She has a good heart and I feel for her meeting the new girlfriend of her ex.  That is never a fun thing.  Ever.

Over with Renee, she is with AJ and she tells him she wants an attack dog. He seems a little disrespectful to me, and while I don’t know what their relationship is, he knows the camera is on and it would not kill him to be more supportive of his mother.  He knows her craziness so just deal with it and be more of a mensch.  Renee has issues to be sure, but she is kind and I like that she is fixing the parts of her that are broken. I think Renee is very brave.

Karen is going through old tapes of jail conversations with her dad and it is sad.  She feels guilty for her dad being in prison and Ramona lets her have it. Ramona yells at her that everyone has forgiven her, she has paid her debt to society, and it is time for her to forgive herself.  The sins of her father and not hers and I hope she finds peace.  Her life is was it is and she needs to focus on moving forward not analyzing the past.

Renee is off to Krav Maga classes with Drita.  Krav Maga is the official self-defense system of the Israeli Defense Forces and it is hardcore.  I have taken these classes and they are fabulous and quite therapeutic.  Good for them.   It was fun, we then cut to Renee, Drita and Love having lunch.  Love and Renee are talking about their issues with Carla and Drita is bored with the conversation already.  She is friends with Carla so it is hard.

They move on to talking about Karen meeting Dave’s new girlfriend Rebecca. Listening to Drita talk about how she would meet the woman is classic.  I love Drita as much as I am afraid of her.  Cut to Karen going to meet her. Karen looks beautiful and Rebecca looks afraid. She also looks like one of the possessed little girls that is always in horror movies.   Rebecca looks like an idiot, probably because she is an idiot.  A very scared idiot.

Karen makes small talk and asks the basics.  Are you Italian?  Did you play sports?  Really?  Karen played sports too, she shoplifted and stole cars.  I love Karen.  She keeps stabbing Rebecca by reminding her Dave never bothered to mention her.  Perfection.  Rebecca says her taking Karina to a doctors appointment was not a big deal.  Here we go. This could be explosive or it could be boring, but either way it is good television.

It is a big deal you moron.  It is the job of a girl’s mother, not the chick who is banging her daddy. For real.  Karen drops the mob connection, and Rebecca looks like she might cry.  In the end it goes well, Dave is relieved, Karen is over it, and Rebecca is pissing herself.  Karen then invites them to a party at her house the next day.  Good for her.  She handles herself well and even with the digs, she comes out the winner. Rebecca is a tool.

Drita is doing the makeup for a photo shoot and she does a beautiful job. Cut to Love and Ang who are shopping because Love’s ex is coming to visit her. Love is in a fabulous red coat and when she is my best friend I am going to steal it out of her closet.   Ang learns she is a size J bra, J for jumbo.  Love is a size G, G for gangster.  I like these women and watching them rock curves in lingerie is fabulous.  These are real women.

Love is now bitching to Ang about crap Carla is talking, but Ang sets her straight.  Love needs to stop talking to everyone but Carla, and hit up Carla for a little chat.   Back to Arizona, Karen takes her dog for a bath and hangs out with Karina, who wants to know how it went with Rebecca.  Karina spills the beans that Dave is getting a new house with Rebecca and they are talking about kids.  Oy Vey.  Karen cries and I get it.

Karina worries that if they have another baby she will get less of him and that kills Karen.  Karen is living through things many single moms have gone through and I share in her tears.  I would have been a little more gangster with Rebecca, but good on her for showing self-control. Sidebar: the commercials for Wicked Single on VH1 make me want to take antibiotics. Back with Love she is on her date and crazy with anticipation.

This is the one man she loved and she is absolutely giddy in how she talks to him, and about him.  Her boobs are on the date too and they are fabulous. They are talking about their past.  She broke up with him because he got a girl pregnant and she couldn’t handle it.  He says her leaving really hurt. He calls her on her shit and she likes it.  It takes a strong man to handle so much Love and I dig them together. Mazel Tov to girly Love.

Karen’s party is on and Dave shows up with Rebecca, who Ramona thinks looks constipated.  Karen is hoping there is no fight with Ramona, but secretly hoping she knocks him down a notch.   Ramona is on a mission to get Dave and Karen back together.  No good can come of her efforts, but it does make for good television.   Ramona takes Rebecca off for a chat and she is brutal. She is mean, aggressive, and menacing.  It is perfection.

Rebecca passes the tests, and life goes on.  She is brave, but I’m sure she had to get a new pair of pants.  The best part of this episode was we didn’t see Carla.  Drita is at boot camp getting her ass kicked and it is awesome.  Ang goes to pick her up. I am fascinated by Ang.  That body is crazy.  Drita looks great, and before we can get out clean, they are talking about Carla and Love again.  Everyone is talking about them.

Next week looks like it will be another hour of everyone talking about Love and Carla, without a conversation between Love and Carla.  They need to just talk so we can stop with the scripted meetings about how much they hate each other.  I’d rather talk about Love and Fate and hope we see more of that next week. I love this show, love these women, and applaude them because in a sea of reality crap, they are keeping it real.

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March 17, 2013 | 6:13 pm

Real Housewives of Atlanta – The We Hate Kenya Episode

Posted by Ilana Angel

We are back in Atlanta and while these women are hit and miss in terms of being entertaining, I am killing my time with them until Orange County and New Jersey come back.  New Jersey is the crown jewel in the housewives crown, so I’ll keep blogging the garbage until I hit gold. We start up with Porsha and her boss, who has found the pregnancy test in her bag.

She explains it was a gift from Kandi and opts to take the test with her bass instead.  Important to note that when I say boss I am referring to Cordell, who in my opinion, is her daddy/boss/ sex boss, not her husband.  He tells her to take the test and she thinks she needs to pee on the stick for two minutes.  Bless her.  How does she survive when she is so dumb?

Porsha is not pregnant and it is so sad.  I feel for the girl because she wants it so bad.  Cordell could care less and his indifference breaks her heart. Onto Kandi, she is cute but her clothes make no sense to me.  Kandi talks a lot about money.  How much she has, how much she spends, how frugal she is. Her finances are getting old.  News flash Kandi, we don’t care.

NeNe is on a press tour for The New Normal and starts off at Live with Kelly and Michael.  I love this chick and she makes this show watchable. NeNe Leakes is a superstar.  She is great on live television and she was charming with Kelly and Michael.  I’d much rather watch a show all about NeNe and that Kim has her own show is shocking.  Kim is a hag.

Cynthia is with Peter, who is having a large event for the social elite of Atlanta.  Translation, they are pulling people in off the street to fill the room.  Walter is invited and Cynthia is supportive of him being invited.  That is shitty.  Like Kenya or not, she is a cast member and she should trump Walter.  The party won’t change with him there, so don’t do it.

Porsha is going to tell her boss that the girls think he is controlling.  Here we go.  Cordell says Porsha simply respects him and he is not controlling as much as she is happy to do anything he wants.  Cordell says he is control but not controlling.  Porsha is just bitter about having a baby and she is looking for a fight because the ladies have started a fire under her ass.

Porsha says she can manage the house, her boss, and a baby.  He tells her she needs to pick a baby or a career because she cannot have both.   She is crying and says she will manage with the help of a nanny and he tells her no. She can’t have a nanny because she needs to do it alone.  He then says he is working to the white meat.  What exactly does that mean?

The white meat is the meat you hit first when you cut a chicken and all the meat in a pig, so why is it so hard to get to the white meat?  If anyone can explain this, please do.  Sidebar:  Does anyone else think the audio of Kandi singing on the opening sounds like someone is hurting her?  The party is on, Walter arrives, and all hell is going to break loose when crazy arrives.

Kandi is wearing a dress from the Dynasty collection while Porsha looks gorgeous.  Kenya arrives looking divine with a gorgeous man.   She says they are just friends, but he wants more.  Translation:  she paid him to come with her.  Phaedra arrives in a dress that does not work.  She needs to get a boob job and stop torturing her little grapes by trying to make them oranges.

Phaedra is all over Walter and it is disgusting.  Phaedra is a bitch.  For real. Kenya is having a costume ball to celebrate black women in film, and has the balls to tell the women who they should come as.  Cynthia is Dianna Ross, Kandi is Tina Turner, and Porsha is Halle Berry.  Dear Lord.  Kenya is a loon. Kenya bails early and the moment she leaves Walter comes over.

Walter is talking to the men and Peter is a pig.  Walter says he never had sex with Kenya and I’m not buying it.  Walter trashes Kenya and the men just listen and enjoy.  It’s gross.  Kenya apologizes to Phaedra and you’ve got to respect her for being a grown up.  Phaedra accepts the apology but she gives it no real weight.  Kenya invits little boobs to her party.

Phaedra is invited to the party as Eartha Kitt.  Before we know it Kenya is gone and there were no fireworks.  Very anticlimactic.  NeNe continues on her press tour hitting The Today Show and Wendy Williams.  Cut to Kenya and Cynthia who are shopping for clothe for her party. She won’t tell us who she will be but says it matches personality.  One of her personalities.

The shopping trip is a scripted scene to talk about Walter and I am bored. Cynthia is a complete loser by telling Kenya that Walter said they never had sex.  It is rude but Kenya handles it beautifully.  Kenya says he was never into sex, never saw him get an erection, and she is too fine to beg someone to touch her.  She questions his sexuality and he doesn’t deny being gay.

Kenya outs Walter as gay, then tells Cynthia to set her up with someone.   I wouldn’t set her up, but whatever.  Kandi is having a housewarming to unveil her new house.  She lives in the main house, but is having the party in her guesthouse.  Weird.  Cynthia arrives to the house, but it is the wrong house. She wants people over, but not in the real house?  Again, weird.

Kandi’s house is massive and quite beautiful but I’d be scared to be in such a big house.  Who needs all that?  The party is on and there is Walter again. Really?  They are now inviting him to everything just to make it interesting. Kandi plays dumb like she didn’t even know Todd invited him.  Dear Lord. This show is pathetic.  Walter comes to the party with a tranny.

The poor girl is there with a man who is ignoring her.  He brought her to piss off Kenya and I don’t think Kenya cares.  I hope tranny got paid to be there. Kenya arrives and we get another shot at fireworks.  We are at minute 57 so it will be yet another disappointment.  They are dragging out the only shot at being entertaining and I am checked out.  Shame on Bravo.

Phaedra is waiting for shit to hit the fan and I am totally on Kenya’s side. That they don’t have her back is ridiculous and she should call out these bitches for being immature.  Kenya does not have her security with her, so with Walter stalking her, she is leaving.  This was a waste of my time.  Next week looks like it has potential so we’ll see if they keep it real.

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March 17, 2013 | 3:43 pm

The Bachelor – Is Sean an Idiot or a Genius?

Posted by Ilana Angel

When Chris Harrison welcomed us on Monday night to 3 hours of The Bachelor I wanted to kill myself.  Three hours is insane, this show is lame, Harrison is useless, and Sean is either an idiot or a genius.  I’m going to go with idiot.  I watch this show every season, get annoyed with every episode, but keep watching.  I did not care about Sean as the Bachelor, could not care any less that Des is the new Bachelorette, and truly think this show has run out of steam. They recycle everything on this show and I am sick of it and happy to announce I will no longer be blogging it.

I will however, finish what I started, so here we go.  Sean is in Thailand with Catherine and Lindsay.  Lindsay loves him and Catherine is not that into him as a person, but all over him as a boy toy.  It’s cute that she lusts after him, but that only means he should bang her, not marry her. Sean’s family arrives and it’s like an entire loaf of white bread has overtaken Thailand.   Sean tells his family that Catherine has a great family.  Really? He father tried to kill himself in front of her and her sisters hate her. What was great exactly?   Sean has lost his mind and his mom knows it.

I don’t trust Catherine because she makes no eye contact.  She looks off into the distance as if she is on lithium. Sean’s mom takes Catherine for a chat.  Mom is not into the whole process.  She then goes off with Dad. Sean’s dad is lovely and I am totally crushing on him.  He said all the right things and Catherine responds with cliché bullshit that she practiced when she decided she wanted to win.  His loveliness is wasted on her and her fake tears make me want to drink myself silly.  Seeing as she fake cries every episode, I am going to start drinking at only 13 minutes in.

Lindsay arrives next, without a gift, whereas Catherine brought one.   She chats with the mom and dad and it is cute.  I  think both of them felt better about Lindsay than Catherine.   Lindsay asks for Sean’s hand in marriage, which was very cute.  Poor girl.  She is perfect for him and he is going to pick the fame whore.  This show sucks.  I am bored with the family meetings.  It is all so fake.  Sean goes off with his mom and she lets him know he should not feel pressured and does not need to ask anyone to marry him if he is not 100% sure it is what he wants.

Mom starts to cry and it is sad.  Sean does not really care what his parents think. Sean leads her off so the camera is not in her face and I am impressed by his media savvy.  He is a professional.  To take her of was lovely.  I loved him for for looking out for his mom.  Then he started talking and the love was gone.  Sean is all about sucking every last minute out of his 15 minutes and he knows the best way to ensure another round of fame is to propose. He is going to pick Catherine because Lindsay is the right choice but they never pick the right one.

We are 40 minutes in, I’m getting a nice little buzz going, and Lindsay arrives for her final date.  She is clearly not that into her and it is uncomfortable to watch because she is in love and he is not.  He gives her a geography lesson as if he actually knew what he is talking about, not because he was told the information y a producer 5 minutes earlier.  Lindsay’s date left me feeing dirty.  She is making a fool of herself and he is letting her do it.  When Sean talks of his date with Lindsay, he says that he misses Catherine.  No need to watch her date.

Catherine fake cries through her date while he blows smock up her ass.  She makes no eye contact, and then reads her script about how vulnerable she is.  She is reading off the pages of every romantic comedy and romance book we have read since we were little girls.  Bravo Catherine. She leaves Sean, then chases after Sean, then gets in bed and wipes away her invisible tears.  Perfection.  Cut to the live show and Chris Harrison talking crap.  No matter what he says, all I hear is blah, blah, blah. The fan interaction is crap and I am fast-forwarding.

Listening to Sean reminisce about is journey is giving me a cavity.  The ring is gorgeous and watching them all get ready is boring and watching Sean take a crack at fake crying is brilliant.  Lindsay is in love and it is painful.  She is dolled up in her tin foil dress and my heart is aching for her.  Catherine is fake crying in her gold lame and I am laughing. Does she really think we think she is crying for real?  Sean is in a grey suit, perfectly matched to Lindsay, and ready to crap all over her. Back to Harrison, he is talking to Sean’s rejects and I am skipping it.

Sean dumps Lindsay and in the best reality TV moment ever, she takes her heals off for her walk of shame so she can walk without fear of falling.  She cries, questions if it was her, and while she started off strong, she crumbles into a mess and walks off.  I wish she had not asked if it was her.  It is not you Lindsay.  It is Sean.  She wishes him well, congratulates him on finding love, hugs him and bails while he walks behind her crouched over and fake crying and sniffing.  He wants to keep talking to her and it is mean.  He is pouring salt on her wounds.

Harrison walks Lindsay to the car and says nothing to her as she goes, which was weird.  She is in the car in complete disbelief.  She then goes into classic loser mode.  She has been in this place a hundred times, which would make her a whore.  She is embarrassed and humiliated.  She is now whiningand I feel horrible for her.  It’s not fair she cries.  Why did he do this to her?  Why God, why?  Well Lindsay, it is a fake TV show and you should have known better.  She loved him more than she ever loved anyone and with that, I am ready for her to get lost.

Harrison goes to Sean and gives him a letter from Catherine.  Well played Madame.  It is a love letter.  The scripted reading of her letter by both of them is painful. She arrives, he gets down on one knew, he proposes, she fake cries in only the way a winner can, and they are engaged.  She reacts as if she has been named ms. America and when he cries and declares his love for her, she never says she loves him back.  It is so good!  She tells him he is handsome, but still no I love you.  I don’t get this pick and think Sean’s an idiot.

Catherine tells him he is her best friend and says thank you, still no I love you. but  says she loves the elephant that has come to ride them off.   Cut to after the final rose special.  I am hammered and disgusted by the whole thing.  Lindsay arrives and I am mortified by her begging for answers as to why it was not her.  She should be thanking her lucky stars.  Lindsay asks Sean questions and he answers to Harrison.  Sean is a pig, Lindsay is pathetic, and Harrison is annoying.  Sean is talking about Catherine and Lindsay continues to torture herself. 

Catherine is fake to me.  This was about a win not finding love.  I’m not buying her being guarded as much as I am buying that she is a good actress.  They announce they are getting married right away, and not having sex until they get married.  Thus the rush.  They are also going to get married on TV.  It will be interesting to see if her evil sisters will be a part of the wedding.  Sean is now on Dancing With The Stars and Des is going to be the new bachelorette, cementing the fact that I am out. I can’t blog when they refuse to keep it real.

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March 14, 2013 | 11:17 am

The Shahs of Sunset – The Rise and Fall of Reza

Posted by Ilana Angel

I have been very fair in my blogging of The Shahs of Sunset.  I liked them season one, interviewed a few of them, and watched with delight as they made their way through reality TV stardom.   They were funny, fresh, didn’t take themselves too seriously, were proud of their heritage, and owned all the stereotypes placed on them with laughter and indifference. They were simply good television.

When a Persian scholar trashed them in a blog, right here in The Jewish Journal, I came to their defense and suggested she not take it so seriously. I didn’t think they were harming how Persians are viewed, and while I’m not Persian, they are harmless in terms of making the world judge Persians. I give credit to the viewer.  We love reality TV and know better.

By season two I thought they were silly, and wrote as much.  They got mean to each other, embarrassed themselves, and got ugly.  They let fame go to their heads and it is a real shame.  I was not shy about blogging the show the way I saw it, and while I was certainly blunt, the underlying message was that I liked them and hoped they turned it around.

I follow them on Twitter and certainly have favorites.  I liked Sammy and was disappointed he was not a featured player season two.  I think Lily is useless, Asa is delusional, GG needs to walk away, Mike is invisible, MJ is perfect TV, and Reza was, by the end of season two, a complete douchelord who became everything that is bad about reality TV.

Reza used to follow me on Twitter.  We even tweeted back and forth. When I loved him, he loved me back.  After I wrote my final blog on the season, he blocked me on Twitter.  He posted a pic of him having lunch with MJ and I called bullshit.  I thought the picture must have been old because why would MJ be out with him after what he did to her on the reunion?

It was calculated to post the pic on the same day that we were watching him kill her on television. He was truly horrific to MJ on part two of the reunion and I was sad for her.  She sat there and took it, owned a lot of it, and watched as her friend of twenty years called her an addict, convicted felon, and overall disgusting human being.  Reza was hurtful and shameful.

Not only did he block me, but he tweeted that my commenting on the picture being lame was planted by MJ.  What happened to Reza?  He is now a ego driven asshole who is unwilling to face the facts.  The fact of the matter is that Reza was beloved in the beginning and is a laughing stock now.  People thought he was special but have now lost all respect for him.

The storyline of his family was compelling and brought tears to my eyes. It taught lessons of tolerance, forgiveness and acceptance.  He was on the fast track to being a superstar and could have written his own ticket to fame and fortune.  I think he knows he has blown it so rather than try to fix it, he is going to be a bully and a baby to anyone who calls him out.

I have mocked the insanity of Diamond Water, but I am not blocked by Asa. I have said Mike is not needed on the show, but I am not blocked by Mike.  I have said a lot of stuff about all of them, yet Reza is the only one to block me.  That says more about Reza than it does about me.  I have respect for those who have not blocked because it shows maturity.

At the end of the day who cares?  They will get another season, and I will watch, so whether Reza is following me makes no difference in what I blog, or how I blog.  What it does however, is cause me to think he is immature and ridiculous.  If a writer goes from liking you to mocking you, a mature person would want to turn it around, not be more obnoxious.

Reza was horrible on this season and truly disgusting on the reunion shows. He got ugly, mean, and aggressive.  Just own it and move on.  I don’t care what Reza thinks of me, but he should care what I think of him.  Don’t underestimate the power of a blog.  I speak for many when I say we loved you, now don’t, but are willing to stick it out until you snap back.

We have watched many people crash and burn from the experience of being on reality television.  We forget about them and wait for the next bunch of wannabes.  In the case of Reza, he needs to know that we will forgive him for being an asshole if he stops being an asshole.  It is stressful and we get it, but the time has come Reza to grow up and get back to keeping it real.

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March 12, 2013 | 10:11 pm

Is Faye Resnick the Most Hated Woman on Reality TV?

Posted by Ilana Angel

I am not a fan of Faye Resnick.  In fact, I think you’d be hard pressed to find a fan of Resnick.  She is uninteresting, unattractive, and unwelcome when it comes to my television.  I think Faye Resnick is a hag.  By hag of course I mean a whore who danced on the grave of her friend to have 15 minutes of fame.  Damn Kyle Richards for bringing this bitch to Bravo.  If they keep forcing this woman on us there will be a mutiny. 

Faye is not one of the tribe.  She may have married a Jew, but she is not Jewish.  Thank God because Jews on reality television are always somewhat weird and she would ruin it for all aspiring Jewish reality personalities.  It would be death by association.  You’re a Jew? Like Faye? Sorry, we don’t need you.  I’m telling you, we have barely recovered from Jill Zarin so Faye would set us back, but alas she is not a Jew. 

Sidebar:  I love Jill Zarin. Jill is a quintessential Jewish New Yorker and I miss her on Real Housewives of New York City.  She was controversial to be sure, but she made really good TV.   Bravo should consider bringing Jill back.  She is unpredictable, and also probably a little bitter, which would be brilliant. Bethenny is a pathological lying whore that slept her way to the top and she killed Jill, but she’s gone, so bring Jill back. Love her or hate her, she brings in ratings.  In fact, I bet Bravo gains a viewer with Jill for every one they lose because of Faye.

Back to Faye, she cannot possibly think we want her on TV.  We can’t stand her friend Vile so why would we embrace her?  She is pathetic.  I will say that she looks pretty good for 56. I am not sure if she is black or white, made out of plastic or flesh, but for almost 60, not bad for a hag.  The only reason people even know who she is, is because she danced on the grave of Nicole Brown Simpson to make a few dollars. She’s repulsive.

Faye has some kind of a hard on for Brandi Glanville and takes every opportunity to sling crap at her.  She is probably doing the dirty work for Vile, but still, her hatred and jealousy of Brandi is palpable.  Important to note that Brandi describes Faye as a “chick with a dick” so it is possible that she does in fact have a hard on for Brandi.  Brandi is younger, prettier, richer and funnier than Faye, and that makes her angry.

Faye should be friends with LeAnn Rimes.  1) LeAnn pays for friends, so that could be good for Faye. 2) LeAnn is slightly more unfortunate looking than Faye so Faye would be the pretty one when they went out.  3) They can take comfort in knowing that they are two of the most hated women in America. 4) They could take turns reading my blogs about how wretched they are to each other to see who I am meaner too.  Shame they can’t read.

In reading up about Faye, it would appear that she suffers from the same pathological lying disease as Bethenny.  She says she was a director of a modeling school, yet the school has no record of her employment.  She has been married and divorced three times, the last time to a Jew.  She is in recovery for addiction to cocaine. It was Nicole Brown Simpson who helped get Faye into rehab.  I must say that really pisses me off.

The woman who helped get her sober, was murdered, and Faye used her death as a stepping stone to 15 minutes of fame.  In my opinion, she danced on the grave of her friend for money and that is just dirty.  She also wrote two books on the OJ Killings.  By wrote of course I mean someone wrote them for her because I don’t think she can read.  She also posed for Playboy. I like Playboy and Resnick tarnishes their reputation to me.

Faye Resnick has me all riled up.  Her attacks on Brandi are ridiculous.  I would like to think she is digging her own grave and will disappear eventually, but Bravo has no respect for their viewers so they might not be getting the message.  Let me spell it out for them:  Faye Resnick is a stupid whore and we don’t want to see her on our televisions anymore.  Important to note I mean no disrespect to all the wonderful whores in the world.

I’m guessing someone will read this blog to Ms. Resnick and she will get a lawyer friend of hers to send me a letter.  If she takes my advice, I’m sure LeAnn’s lawyer will give them a deal and they can get a twofer.  I will be ready with my keyboard in hand on Monday when Faye goes after Brandi. Ms. Glanville is someone I met though work, but happily call friend.  She is lovely and I will cut a bitch who messes with my friends.

Faye Resnick, much like her pathetic friend Kyle, sucks the joy out of the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills. She does not belong there, brings nothing of value, and actually inspires a physical reaction from me.  I go back and forth between wanting punch her and cut myself. Is Faye Resnick the most hated woman on reality television?  Yes. Yes she is.  I will be back on Monday to share my opinion and you can bet I’ll be keeping it real.

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March 11, 2013 | 7:40 pm

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - All About Kyle

Posted by Ilana Angel

This week we are finishing up the trip to Paris.  They are going on a sunset cruise along the Seine and it is magnificent.  Except for Kyle being there, it is magnificent.  Everyone seems to be having a nice time, Kim is once again lucid and it is all rather boring.  Yolanda gives Brandi a gift and it is lovely. She gave her some fabulous shoes, but says it was because she was lonely and without a man.  Kim is manless too, so why not shoes for her?  It seems odd to give only one person a gift but whatever, she is a foreigner.

Paris ends with Brandi and Kim being friends, Lisa agreeing to renew her wedding vows with Ken, Yolanda being adorable, Giggy being perfection, and Kyle and Mauricio being disgusting.  Everyone is back in Beverly Hills and Marisa is on a scripted visit with Kyle. Turns out she is a real estate agent. Did we know that?  She is there to have Mauricio co-list her in-law’s home for sale.  Kyle is telling her he will gladly “help” her, but you can see the dollar signs flashing before Kyle’s eyes.  Such a fame and money whore.

Kevin Lee is back to help Lisa with her housewarming/vow renewal.  He is great TV and it will be fun to have him around for a couple of weeks.  I love a good party so this should be fun.  By fun of course I mean Faye Resnick will not be invited.  I think Faye Resnick is wretched.  She is a hideous and whorish freak.  I take offense to he being on this show when so many have expressed their hatred of her.  Bravo sucks sometimes.  By sometimes of course I mean every time they put Faye on my television.  Epic fail.

Yolanda is doing a photo shoot with David for a magazine.  Blah, blah, blah. She is really into making him happy and doing what he wants and I actually like it.  In the case of Porsha in Atlanta, she is the same but only because he makes her, whereas Yolanda does is because she wants to.  I like her. Not sure I get her, but I like her.  She has massive balls but manages to control herself and not get ugly when faced with crap from the bitch brigade. Yolanda is a pretty girl and looks much better with her bangs down.

Mauricio is at the home Marisa’s in-laws.  We get a tour and it’s lovely, but who cares? This is not a real estate show, so why shove Mauricio and his stupid ass down our throats? Marias is a namedropper and a fame whore who wants to be on TV and get laid by someone other than her husband.  There is nothing interesting about Marisa or the sale of this house.  It grosses me out that Kyle will make even more money. She really does make me angry. God bless her for her success, but seriously, I am not a fan.

Vile is shopping for inventory for her store and I am done with her.  I am 23 minutes in and on my second drink.  Not bad really but when you take into account I still have to blog The Bachelor finale, this could get real rough, real fast.  Talking about rough, Taylor is off to have a drink with Dana.  It appears to be mid morning and Dana is hammered.  It is so funny.  I mean sad, but really I mean funny.  Her dress is dirty, she is wasted, and I feel bad for her.  Not bad enough to care about her, but still bad.

Dana is single because her man dumped her lying, drunk ass.  Taylor tells her she is not dating anyone, but she is, so clearly she feels the need to protect her life from Drunky McDrunkerson.   Dana spoke of how she self made but she seems to be suffering at the lost of his money.  She then talks about hating Brandi but she is so disgusting and pathetic I am too busy laughing at her to care about her.  She lights a cigarette out of a candle and refers to herself as part of the group, which means she is insane.

Kyle is opening her store and getting ready along with her four daughters and her offensive husband.  She is picking a dress and I am skipping over it. I find everything about Kyle to be for show only. She calls Kim but I’m not listening.  I am skipping over it while I pour myself another margarita.  She is at her store now and keeps talking about how it is her name on the door, but there is also another chicks name on the door.  Kyle is an idiot. Everyone arrives to her opening and I just can’t be happy for her.  Sorry.

Taylor talks to Yolanda and I love Yolanda as much as I cannot stand Taylor. Taylor must go.  Taylor is a moron and her explanation of not liking David is lame.  Taylor thinks she is being fabulous, but Yolanda insists she is being fake, but she takes the apology.  Interesting.  Who cares about these two? Anyone?  Anyone?  Camille stops by for no reason and Adrienne arrives with her sperm donor.  Adrienne tries to run her fingers through her own hair but it ain’t happening, which is hilarious. Adrienne is a troll.

Kyle does a series of fake poses for the ribbon cutting and I am laughing. Faye the whore kisses her so she can be in a few pictures, then Kyle takes Kim off for a scripted chat in the middle of her store opening.  Kim says she was wasted in Paris because she took the wrong pill and I am calling bullshit. Kim is lucid and speaks beautifully, but Kyle makes it all about her again and starts to cry.  I cannot stand Kyle Richards.  Kim is a liar and Kyle is mentally deficient so why are these two losers on this show at all?

The fake conversation between the Kim and Vile is going on and on for far too long.  Kim is talking about her struggles and Kyle makes it all about how hard it is for her to think something will happen to Kim all the time.  Kyle, Kyle, Kyle.  Blah, blah, blah.  All the housewives leave while Kim and Kyle chat about Kyle.  Bad editing.  Cut to a look at next week’s show and let me just say I am going to cut a bitch when it comes to Faye next week. I am going to go after Faye with the power of a blog.  Buckle up.

Faye is going to attack Brandi while Adrienne continues to castrate Paul, and I am going to have a field day.  I love me some Brandi Glanville and I am not going to let Faye’s crapfest go bye without commenting.  I think Adrienne Maloof is a plastic freak and so when she goes after Paul, who I am not a fan of either, I will let her have it too.  Why? Because I can.  It’s my blog and that is how I roll.  This show is getting good, but I am now a little tipsy and still have a blog to go tonight. Cheers to keeping it real.

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