Posted by Ilana Angel
This show is just not good anymore. Period. It is impossible to know who likes who, who is going to stab who in the back, and who is going to have a breakdown. None of the men in their lives are interesting, and the truth is we no longer care enough to watch with any regularity. Yes I am going to say we, because I hear it all the time from other fans. We are checking out and this show is on its last leg. Blogging it is painful. It is not fun, and each week it becomes less worthy of my time.
That said, I will finish what I started because I’m a giver. We begin with Gretchen. She is on the phone with Slade telling him all about the trip to Canada. She calls him because she has nobody else to call. I imagine she does not have many friends other than the ones Bravo pays to hang out with her. We are listening to Gretchen recap the show we have already seen. Dear Lord. Gretchen is talking about Heather being threatened by her as an actress. I am having my first drink now.
Speaking of Heather, Terry takes her to an empty lot because he wants to sell their house and build a bigger one. Really? Rich people are crazy. They are going to accept an offer on their house for $16,450,000.00. Terry will work less, they will build a new house, and it is important to note that Heather is not into material things. She is not going to go from 15000 square feet to 17000 square feet because she values things, but because she likes a challenge. Thanks for clarifying that Heather. What a relief.
Over to Tamra we go to watch her have dinner with Eddie. Fascinating. By fascinating of course I mean I need electric shock therapy just to stay awake for this show. They are two weeks away from opening their gym. Who cares? Tamra wants to plan their wedding and Eddie could care less. He tells her he does not want to feel pressured. Really? He asked her to marry him so where is the pressure? They then do the time-honored tradition of picking a wedding date by pulling June 22 out of their asses. Mazel Tov.
We are now with Vicki who is puffed up like a marshmallow. It is an “allergic reaction”. Okay. Vicki is off to Napa with Brooks to work on her vodka line. For the love of God. We are now listening to Vicki recap the trip to Canada. The whole show is them talking about the same thing. Vicki does not need a man, but she wants one. She is fighting with Briana about Brooks. Again. I am now pouring a shot of tequila just to take the edge off. By shot of course I mean I have placed a straw in my bottle of Patron. For real.
Alexis and Gretchen are having lunch. Alexis is gorgeous and Gretchen looks skeletal. Alexis cries, Gretchen bitches to the camera about everything Alexis says. Gretchen’s mouth is talking, but her face is not moving, so I need to move on. These chicks are not friends so they need to cut the crap and cut each other loose. Not sure how this conversation ends because I am skipping over it. Regardless of what they are saying to each other, all I can hear is blah, blah, blah. These bitches need to get off of our televisions.
Lydia is hosting her “life group” at her house. It is some kind of bible study where they get together to talk about life and how God helps them. Good idea, love her. I’m not watching though. Cut to Vicki in Napa with Brooks. He makes my skin crawl. He is creepy and truly makes me uncomfortable. They are working on her Vodka line. Another housewife sucking the life out of her 15 minutes. Vicki says, “All the casinos in Vegas are on board.” I doubt it. I love vodka, drink it often, and I am not buying Vicki Vodka.
Alexis is going to LA for an audition. Now, please remember that Heather is the only actress on this show. Alexis may think she is an actress, but Heather is the only one. Know it. Alexis meets with Jeff Margolis, who is a successful guy, but I just can’t. She is ridiculous, he looks like a pervert, and I am skipping over it. Honestly, the second he stuck his tongue out and she started to draw I was laughing too hard to listen. Do you think these women understand that they are making fools of themselves? Probably not.
Rather than go for the easy jokes in terms of tea bags with Lydia and her mom, I will simply say that these two need to have their own show. Gretchen has decided that she is going to ask Slade to marry her. She is going to record a song for him because he loves to hear her sing. All these years watching and I did not know Slade was deaf. He must read lips because if he loves her singing he is clearly experiencing hearing loss. Then she starts singing and I want to shove hot coals in my ears. Oh. My. God.
Vicki is out for dinner with Brooks and I wonder why she didn’t bother to brush her hair. I also wonder why she is wearing fake eyelashes, after she said she was allergic. Vicki asks Brooks about his dating someone else. He denies it. No dating, no kissing, no giving of money. Brooks is gross and his voice makes me want to vomit but I refuse to give up my tequila. Vicki tells Brooks Briana is out of town and maybe he can come over and perhaps fill her love tank. Brooks blames Briana for all their problems. Icky.
We are shown commercials for Bravo’s new show. “Eat, Drink, Love”. I’m not watching. Vicki tells Brooks he is not making a stand and fighting for them. Vicki is ridiculous, Brooks is not a good egg, and Briana is going to pay the price for her mother being a fool. Whatever. Next week Gretchen will ask Slade to marry her, he will say yes, I will vomit. I’m going to need to double up on my booze for next week because whatever is going in will come back out. Getting drunk is simply required in order to watch and keep it real.
12.7.13 at 8:49 am | What the hell is Bravo giving us?
12.7.13 at 7:29 am | I'm not going to lie, these women and the men. . .
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire.
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television.
12.2.13 at 7:12 am | I was bored with all the jumping around.
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . .
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . . (4430)
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire. (4391)
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television. (3686)
July 21, 2013 | 8:17 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Tonight’s typos are generously sponsored by Grey Goose. I cannot stand this show and only blog it to tell people exactly how horrible it is. I tried. Truly I did. I even interviewed Chanel and wrote about how fabulous she is, which I still believe, but even she is on my last nerve. These women are emotionally and mentally stunted. Don’t even get me started on the Jewish stereotypes. These chicks are caricatures of what is means to be Jewish and if Chanel were Modern Orthodox she would not be wearing what she does. I am on drink number two, so here we go.
We start at Ashlee’s house. She is having a sleepover because she is scared to be home alone while her parents are away. She is 30. Her phone rings and she tells it to hold on. Dear Lord. She is preparing a cheese tray and is separating the cheese types because poor people mix things, and she is not poor. I’d rather be poor than rich if rich meant I had to be this dumb. Chanel arrives, and they cannot open the wine. They are seriously so very dumb. Bless them. Amanda arrives and her pajamas are more suited for porn.
Ashlee immediately jumps on Amanda for talking smack about her to Joey. They are drinking, gossiping, whining, and acting like they are in high school. They have the mentality of middle school kids, and I want to cut myself and slowly bleed to death. How are these women on television? What is interesting here? They are embarrassing themselves. They are crude, rude, stupid, and pathetic. Casey took offense to me calling them stupid on Twitter but come on. Regardless of whether or not these women are educated, the fact is that they are all stupid.
Ashlee is a virgin. That news is the first thing on this show that makes sense. She also smiles while she is sleeping. Probably because she is touching herself, but she would never admit that. Cut to Joey, she is 29 and living at home with her Dad and his 2nd wife. Important to note that they live in a gorgeous house, not the place Ashlee picked her up at earlier in the season. Bravo is full of shit. Joey is talking to her dad about her business but he is not interested. He wants her out of his house. Her dad is clearly frustrated with her, but also a bit of an asshole.
Cut to Erica’s house, she is having dinner with her parents and Rob. Poor Rob. Her parents make me sick. They constantly mock Judaism and I want to smack them. They are rude and ignorant. Erica says she loves Rob because he is what she is supposed to be in love with him, not because she is. She is a slut, we all know it, and if Rob does not know, he is a moron. Rob says he wants to get engaged but Erica is not into it. She just wants to play house, sleep with the pool boy, and the gardener. I don’t get this chick and find it annoying she is on television at all.
Chanel is at home and Casey comes to visit. I thought Casey never came to Long Island? I am sick of hearing Chanel talk about her sister’s wedding. Chanel practices her speech for the wedding, Casey gives her advice. Chanel turns it all back to her. Chanel is incapable of saying something nice about the wedding, without talking about herself and the pressure of her community. Here’s the thing, nobody cares about Chanel as much as Chanel does. She is not married because she does not want to be married yet. She is obsessed with what others think.
Amanda is on a double date with Jeff, Ashlee, and Marcos, who she is setting Ashlee up with. I cannot watch Amanda and Jeff fall all over each other. Their voices make my ears bleed. Marcos arrives and he is a pig. He puts his hand on Amanda’s ass and I immediately think he is a freak. Why do all these people talk with their mouths full and chew with their mouths open? They have ordered food and drinks before Ashlee arrives, which I think is rude. Ashlee is into Marcos. He got his pilots license the same year she was born. This date is creepy.
Chanel tries on her dress for the wedding for her mother and I am bored. Like her mother has not seen the dress? It is a scripted moment of ridiculousness so she can look stupid in her dress and cry about how she is not getting married. Every time Chanel talks about the wedding she changes the number of guests attending. Chanel is making her sister’s wedding all about her. I am going to walk away and make myself another drink. That will be drink number four. Whoever decided to put Princesses on right after RHONJ clearly has no regard for my liver. Bastards.
Marcos goes to the bathroom, Ashlee says he is perfect, he returns with flowers he stole off the bar, and they are off to a club. It is senior night! Amanda is mortified, Jeff is sweet, and Ashlee is disgusted. Marcos is aggressive, flirting with everyone there, and drunk. He is a lot bigger than Ashlee and is tossing her around. Not cute. Ashlee bails. Joey takes Amanda to try her lip gloss thing and I just can’t. These chicks are not meant to be on TV. They are not interesting, bring nothing to the table, and make me want to impale myself.
Joey is looking at apartments and takes Amanda with her. She is desperate, Amanda feels for her, and all I can think about is that Joey is just like Bethenny. Not cute. They look at small apartments, then trash them both. The realtor is useless, and I am bored. Joey calls her dad, who is a douche and hangs up on her. We are clearly not seeing everything in terms of her relationship with her dad, but who cares? He appears to not like her, she does not like him, and I don’t know why she would want to show her dad on television like this.
He has given her 90 days to move out and support herself. Joey says her dad does not help her. Really? He has let you live FOR FREE at his home for over two years, and you are ALMOST 30. GROW UP. Enough about that, it is wedding time. They are all the best of friends, but only Ashlee and Casey are invited to the wedding. The wedding has gone from 300, to 400, to now 500 guests. Chanel is getting her hair and makeup done and again making it all about her and the judgment she feels, not her sister. Chanel needs to get a grip.
Casey has not been to temple in 16 years and I am once again reminded by how offended I am as a Jew by this show. The wedding is beautiful, done in Hebrew with Israeli music, and it is lovely. I sang along and cried. It is the vodka so don’t judge me. Chanel tries to have a Pippa Middleton moment but doesn’t quite get there. She is crying again, talking about having hope she will meet someone. I want to sit this young woman down and have a chat. Ashlee lets us know she has also not given up hope that she will find love. No hope from Casey.
Chanel is giving her speech and nobody is listening, including her sister. She perseveres, and reads it. They show Ashley and her husband listening, but I am certain it was an edit and she did not hear Chanel’s speech at all. Chanel is dancing and I’m done. It’s a great wedding, Casey feels sorry for Chanel, and Chanel is moving on to "become the woman she is meant to be." Chanel’s wedding ends and then it happens. We see that next week will be the “help me” show. I cannot wait. It’s the only reason I’ve been watching. Next week we keep it real!
July 21, 2013 | 6:12 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I am very excited to announce that tonight’s typos are generously sponsored by Grey Goose. Here we go. We are at the retreat to join the family together, and pick up with the big fight. Juicy has confronted Joe for calling Teresa scum, Joe attacks, Teresa leaves to call the cops, weird, and Melissa starts punching Juicy in the head. Joe goes for Juicy’s balls, and the tar is flying. Literally. Joe’s hair paint is pealing off and it is hilarious. Melissa is screaming at Teresa that she is disgusting, and Teresa is getting Juicy to leave. It is very sad to watch and I am sad for all of them.
By all of them of course I mean except Melissa. I blame her for this. I feel for Joe being torn by the sister he loves and the whore who services Tarzan. Sidebar: Joe Gorga’s back is divine and I want to lick it. After he washes the tar off. Teresa is confused, Melissa is talking crap to Joe, and Kathy, Rosie and Rich are gossiping. Kathy is worried about her nose job. The woman who has love in her heart is worried about her nose? Shove a cannoli in it you moron. Teresa wants to leave and Juicy says everyone else can leave and they are staying. I love Juicy.
Rich surprisingly stands up for Juicy and tells Rosie and Kathy they should stay and not give up. Then in the next second, he says it is all Teresa’s fault. Rich is an asshole, but he goes to talk to Juicy and Teresa. He agrees Joe calling Tre scum was bad, but she should have left Juicy out of it. Rich starts screaming, Teresa is playing victim, and Juicy thinks the whole thing is hilarious. Joe is crying, Melissa is fake crying, and I want to punch her in the face. Instead of supporting Joe and feeling his pain, she fuels the fire. Oh. My. God. I cannot stand that stupid bitch.
Rich, Kathy, and Rosie talk Melissa and Joe into staying. Rosie goes with Teresa to Joe and asks him to talk. Teresa asks Melissa to leave and Melissa refuses. Rosie calls out Melissa and tells her to go, but she won’t. Joe is crying and Melissa is telling him to stop. It is insane. She is ruining this family and everyone sees it but Joe. The coaches come up, which is just too funny, and they are talking calmly to everyone. Rich is the hero, telling everyone to stay until the morning. Joe says he hates Teresa, which we all know is a lie. Juicy wants to be alone his wife.
Teresa is now crying and I feel for her. Everyone goes to dinner but Teresa and Joe, who are bathing together. Joe admits the tar is off his head, and Juicy is having sexy time with Tre and we learn she cannot wink. I love Teresa. Teresa spills champagne on Juicy to lick it off and he tells her you can get pneumonia that way. Juicy says he’ll take Joe fishing and we are reminded the only people here who should be on a show are the Guidice family. Melissa is talking but I am not listening. Rich wants to make out with Kathy and she cannot hide her disgust.
Morning comes and people are feeling positive. Teresa calls Caroline and tells her about the fight. Caroline acts surprised but you know the Wakile’s called her last night. Come on. Teresa asks Caroline to come help and Caroline takes Teresa asking for help as something important and says she will try. Totally scripted bullshit. Whatever. Cut to Joe and Melissa and we see exactly how spiteful, evil, and vindictive she is. Her only joy in life is trying to destroy Teresa and if Joe cannot see what she is doing then nobody will ever help this situation.
Melissa says Teresa’s drinks suck, and her books and hair care products are crap. Joe is sitting there waiting for Melissa to tell him to fix it, but she is whining about wanting to go home. He says if he leaves he will lose his sister and his parents, and she is telling him to go. He tells her she is amazing and she says she needs to protect him. For the love of God. Shut up Melissa. Over at Caroline’s, the camera crew is there to capture Caroline after the call. Not scripted? Lauren is there and I wonder how it is that this chick does not seem to own a hairbrush.
Rich is drunk, everyone is spending hours on their hair, and Dr. V. arrives. Teresa says she came recommended by friends in California. Translation: Dr. V’s show sucked, but Bravo loves her, as do we, so it was Bravo who recommended her. Good call, but let’s be honest about it. Teresa is explaining to Dr. V what is happening and denying all involvement in getting them to this place. Dr. V is calling her out on it. Bless this Dr. because she may be the one person to help Teresa see what she does, and fix what is broken. V joins breakfast and gets right into it.
Melissa does not want to talk about anything in front of Teresa. She says she no longer wants to help Joe and Teresa and I am laughing because she never tried to help Joe and Teresa. V is going to talk to them all separately and Joe goes first. Melissa is nervous! Joe speaks and it sounds like a script that Melissa wrote. Joe says he does not want to fix anything and wants to go home. V says she will get Teresa and he can tell her. Melissa is going to lose her mind. Rosie hits on V, which is perfect. Teresa and Joe are now talking without Melissa and it is good.
Caroline arrives, by Bravo driver, and I am laughing. Nobody is surprised to see her, but Melissa is pissed off. She wants her and Joe to give up and move on. Teresa and Joe are talking and I don’t believe in televised therapy, but I will say it made me cry. I really like these two people and I want them to fix things. Impossible of course with Melissa in the mix, but I really am hoping there is peace. We started watching because we loved all these people and now it’s all about hate, theirs and ours. We are simply never going to stop watching these people.
In the end Teresa and Joe are both trying to be cool. V says she thought they should go home as they were not ready, but then says she feels something between them and thinks they should try. Teresa starts crying and you can feel her heartache. It made Joe cry. He leans over to hug her and it just so sad. Thank God Melissa was not here. I hope she was watching at home with Joe and he could see exactly who she is. It is only when Joe and Teresa take accountability, and Melissa owns up to her part in it all, that they will be able to keep it real.
July 15, 2013 | 7:03 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
We are still in Canada with the losers, and as a proud Canadian, I am mortified that this bunch of screaming banshees is polluting glorious Whistler with their toxic screeching. Lauri, who should not be anywhere near this group, told everyone Vicki had a threesome, and all hell has broken loose because now Vicki knows. For the love of God, we are 1 minute in and I have done a shot, and am nursing a margarita. Tonight’s typos are sponsored by Jose Cuervo. Pour a drink because here we go.
Vicki vehemently denies ever having had a threesome, and while I don’t know if she did or not, the more important question is, who cares? She is so insanely wound up that taking a trip to the wild side would probably be beneficial, so good for her. Alexis stops by Lydia’s room to thank Jesus for the fight not including her, then Lauri stops by to see if she is still invited to dinner, since Vicki uninvited her. On behalf of everyone who watches this show, I am uninviting her also. Lauri is a moronic fame whore.
She is there because she needs money, and an axe to grind. Bravo is bad. Very, very bad. Everyone arrives for dinner. By dinner of course I mean a commercial for the Four Seasons Whistler. Now that Vicki has been dumped by Brooks, everyone wants to fix her up with anything wearing pants, and it is weird. Canadian men are fabulous, and not quite dumb enough to date Vicki’s level of crazy. Vicki says she does not need help and has it all under control. She tells the girls she knows what matters.
Love, happiness, good people around her, and sex. Really? She is pissed Lauri is talking about her sex life, yet she wants to talk about sex? They bring up Brooks and Vicki says the sex was great. Lauri is not believing it, Vicki tells Lauri to shut up, and the fight moves from the slopes to the dinner table. Lauri’s face has caved in from too much surgery, and perhaps too many activities that involve putting your face up against hard things. Bless her. Lauri is talking in code, Vicki is calling her a liar, I am on shot #2.
They are now talking about Gretchen and Jeff and I am rolling my eyes. It was YEARS ago, so who cares? That these women are talking about stuff that happened so long ago the booze has erased it from the memories of the viewers, is confusing to watch it now. Gretchen is a bitter and stupid fool. Lauri is desperate for money, and I just don’t think that Vicki should have to defend herself against all this old bullshit. Important to note that Gretchen has no grasp of English. She’s a tool and I am bored.
Vicki says they need to move on, Lauri brings up the letter from George’s ex mother-in-law, from SEVEN YEARS AGO, and we are being forced to watch garbage. Lauri came back with a vendetta and I am embarrassed for Bravo that they are even showing this to us. Lauri is hideous. Vicki leaves, rightfully so, and Gretchen is with Tamra, asking why she is friends with Vicki again. Oh. My. God. How old are these losers? Gretchen is so immature I can hardly stand to listen to her. Wait! I don’t have to. Fast forward!
I am skipping over Tamra and Gretchen being high school idiots. Hang on… they are talking about Malibu Country again. Gretchen says she was offered a role and poor Heather is not there to insist that she is the ONLY actress on the show. I hate these chicks. For real. Cut to the morning and they are going snowmobiling. Best day ever. Everyone is carrying their expensive handbags and I find them all to be offensive. The car ride is awkward and we are forced to watch fake women with fake friendships.
They are riding, Vicki is an expert, and the first one to wipe out. It truly looks like a perfect day and it is wasted on these freaks. They need to pee, so they drop their pants and pee in the snow. Mortifying. Not that they peed, but that they were acting like 12 year old boys. They have a snowball fight, which Lydia calls “Canadian Magic”, and everyone is making up. Crapfest. Lauri and Vicki shake hands, then Vicki tells the camera Lauri is filthy and disgusting. As my pal @MintedRoyalty says, Oy to the vey!
Tamra calls Heather, so she can have camera time to tell us she is an actress. Tamra tells her that Gretchen is mad at her for implying she was not offered a part. Tamra tells Heather that Gretchen is a liar, Heather agrees, and the only thing that really matters is that we all understand that Heather is an actress. They are all going out for dinner for their last night in Canada. I LOVE Canada and Canadians. They have a cold vodka room, which causes the hags to screech, and I want to cut myself.
Tamra is telling everyone that Vicki is horny, Vicki is mortified, but lets us know she loves sex. Who are these people? Why are they on TV? Why are we watching? Back in the OC, Heather comes back from her ACTING job. She tells us the camera about her shows, several times, and I want to vomit. I would but I am not wasting this buzz as I still have 20 minutes left to watch. Back in Canada, they are going in the vodka room, there is screeching, and I am going to take a shot of vodka to join in.
Tamra puts her tongue on the ice and it get stuck. Tamra’s tongue is bleeding, Alexis thinks it was God’s will, and the screeching is just too much. Tamra calls Terry to discuss her medical emergency. Tamra tells Heather it would not have happened if she was there, and Heather apologizes for being a working actress. I hate this show. Did I say that already? Hate it. Terry is talking to Heather about what a great actress she is. Not sure I can blog this show anymore. I may be drunk, but I’m keeping it real.
July 14, 2013 | 10:06 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
It is hard to know who the dumbest is of this bunch, but bless them, they are all really dumb. I don’t care what their jobs are, what their education is, or whether or not they live at home, this has got to be the dumbest group of women on television. It is simply mind boggling that this show is on, and even more fascinating that we are watching. By we, of course I mean me. I get paid to write about reality television, but this is pushing it, even for me. I will finish out the season, but there is no way I will do another one.
That people are watching this show and thinking it is how all Jewish women are, pisses me off. By pisses me off of course I mean I am drinking. Tonight I am joined by Captain Morgan, who is generously sponsoring all of my typos this evening. Thank you Captain. We start off with Erica, Amanda, and Joey working out together. They run for a second, then stop to gossip. Amanda has one of her drink hankies on her water bottle and I am laughing. To clarify, I am laughing at her. Erica is clearly constipated.
Joey tells the girls about her falling out with Ashlee at the speed dating party and Amanda and Erica throw Ashlee under the bus by telling Joey she is talking smack about her. Joey cries because Ashlee called her a bad person. Really? You are not a bad person Joey. You are a bitch, and an idiot, and a fame whore, and a loser, but bless your heart, you are not a bad person. Important to note that I am being totally sarcastic and you are in fact a bad person. You are inherently mean, just like Bethenny.
Joey says she always takes the high road. Really? If there is a high road in hell. She tells the girls she is going to meet with Ashlee to talk it through. Blah. Blah. Blah. Cut to Chanel, who is meeting with her Rabbi. Love the Rabbi, but I am not digging Chanel like I did in the beginning. She is out of control with the whining and the crying. I think she’s not completely honest, using the show to reinvent herself, and not true to her religious self. Sidebar: Her clothes make me question her level of observance.
She is clearly struggling with her behavior on the show in terms of her faith, but she is losing that struggle and coming across badly. She is crying to the Rabbi about not having a man. For the love of God, enough already. You’ll meet a man Chanel, but you better check yourself because with each episode you are making that harder. Cut to Erica and Rob who are house hunting so they can live together. Really? Erica does not love him, is cheating with other men, has a drinking problem, and Rob should run.
Listening to Erica talk about having a baby makes me want to stick pins in my eyes. Shut up Erica. Shut up. We jump to Amanda and Jeff, who are having a meal with his parents. They are adorable. Amanda does not know how to pronounce knish, bless her, and proceeds to order a turkey sandwich with Swiss, at a kosher deli. Moron. The mom is wearing the grandmother’s ring, with the implication Jeff is going to propose and it is sweet. I think they will get married, live happily ever after, and share a hot pool boy.
Important to note that everyone on this show chews with their mouth full and it makes me sick. Where are the table manners? Over to Chanel, she is looking at Maid of Honor dresses at home with her entire family. The guy who owns the dress shop is an Israeli guy who is interested in Chanel, so he is making a house call. I like this family, but I think they are more kosher than Modern Orthodox. I actually feel bad even saying it, but there is something off about the level of observance they are selling.
The dress guy comes and ick. Chanel is inappropriate. She makes fun of religion, tries too hard to be funny, and is simply silly. Dress guy asks her out on a date and she says yes. That is never going to work out. Cut to Ashlee who is having Casey over for dinner with her parents. She does not know how to set a table, and her father is sweet, but creepy in terms of his daughter. It is all quite odd. Ashlee is useless in the kitchen, and presumably the bedroom, so finding a husband might be a stretch.
Casey is continuing her girl crush on Ashlee and comes for dinner. She talks about “dick sizes” in front of the parents and it is rude. Casey gets mad at me for calling her names on Twitter, and I have apologized, but the facts are what they are. She is very pretty, but totally unappealing. She does not like to be called stupid, and I said I wouldn’t call her stupid again. Luckily I have had so much to drink while watching the shit fest that when biting my tongue it does not hurt because it is numb. We’re off to the beach.
Erica and Amanda are at the beach. Erica says it is time for the eagle to fly the coop. Really? Dear Lord, what a bunch of morons. I am skipping over the beach scene. They are talking about their respective relationships and I just can’t. Time for Chanel’s date and her sister drops her off in Brooklyn. Really? She couldn’t drive herself? She is wearing a bra under a see through shirt. Modern Orthodox? Right. It is her first date and she is going to him? In hooker shoes? They are eating and I could care less.
Chanel is wearing an insane amount of make up, their date is awkward, and I am cringing. Her date is a bit of a pig who believes the woman should cook and clean. Chanel is not into it, probably because she does not know how to cook and clean. The numbness of my tongue has now spread to my gums. He invites her up to see his apartment, then tells her she is moody. Chanel checks out of the date and I am wondering if her sister is coming to get her. I really hate this show. Hate it. These girls are horrible.
Amanda is talking to her mother about getting married to Jeff, and Babs is not into it. Babs does not think they are ready to get married, Amanda says she is jealous, Babs is concerned since they have only been dating six months and need time to get to know each other properly. The girl is 27 years old and her mother tells her she cannot get engaged. Who are these people? I’m with Babs in terms of her advise, but the advise to a woman Amanda’s age is just weird. Funny how Casey cannot pronounce the word weird.
Ashlee and Joey meet for a drink. Joey is a bitch, and Ashlee is harmless, so aggression seems misguided. Joey calls out Ashlee for saying such horrible things about her, and Ashlee tells Joey she thinks she is mean. Joey does not know what she has done to be called mean, and Ashlee does not understand how Joey does not know she is mean. They are now arguing about who said what, comebacks, and it is insane. Joey is high school, Ashlee is back peddling, and they are now having a serious fight. Shameful.
Joey tells Ashlee she is funny, Ashlee agrees she is funny, Joey calls her funny looking. Meeting over. Ashlee leaves and immediately calls her dad, while Joey calls Amanda. Ashlee is offended to have her looks brought into it, and Joey is laughing to Amanda about putting her foot in her mouth. Joey follows Ashlee out and approaches her to talk, but Ashlee tells her to get away from her. Joey complains to Amanda that she handled it wrong, then goes out into the street and calls Ashlee two faced. Ugh.
Joey calls Amanda back and starts crying because she is not a bad person. Newsflash, yes you are. Joey is a mean girl and it shows. This show is truly horrible. There are not enough cute moments to make the bad moments worth watching. In the teaser for next week we will get to see Chanel cry about her younger sister getting married first. Oy vey. Chanel was the reason I kept watching, but with each week she is a little less sweet and entertaining. My saying so is just keeping it real.
July 14, 2013 | 6:13 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
We are back in the heart of Crazytown, getting ready to go on the big retreat. It is lame, and while I appreciate Teresa is trying, it is a waste of our time, and no good can come of this. We start the retreat preparation with Joe and Melissa, who are both negative and miserable. Melissa is talking shit about Teresa, Joe is defending his lying wife, and they are talking all their crap in front of their kids. It is disgusting.
The kids are cute, but in a scene where it is about how cute they are, Melissa looks into the camera, as if to ask why aren’t you pointed at me? Hilarious. Over to Juicy and Tre, they are packing for the retreat and again, the conversation is in front of the kids, which I think is really horrible. Cut to Kathy and Rich, who are boring as hell. I am over Kathy, her husband is a jackass. Who cares?
Melissa and Joe pick up Rich, Kathie, and Rosie. None of them are going in with an open mind, they are all bitter and negative, and I feel sorry for Teresa. She is going in with hope, and everyone else is going in with hate. Assholes. Cut to Rosie who is sad everyone is not opening their hearts to change. I like Rosie, and while she is not coming off great this season, she is inherently good and wants peace in her family. I admire that.
Melissa says on camera that Juicy cheats on Teresa and does not love her, then says that Teresa wants Melissa to go through all the things in life she does, so she is trying to ruin her marriage because it is so miserable for her. Melissa is an idiot, a backstabber, and the cheater. I am so sick of this woman and her lies. I know we see what Bravo wants us to see, but if I were her, I would quit the show if it was all lies, but there she is.
Melissa is a fame whore who is milking the love of her husband, killing the reputation of her father, and humiliating her kids for money. Her book is a waste of trees and anyone who buys it is seriously in need of a good drink and a kick in the ass. Teresa is telling Juicy that Jac and Chris are coming, which is insanity. Juicy says Jac texted him and I am laughing. Jac needs to be in a mental facility/rehab. She is revolting beyond measure.
Cut to Caroline who is not going to the retreat. She is in a park with Albert, trying to make us think they are happily married, but nobody is buying it. I feel sorry for Caroline. She is trying, he is not that into her, her kids are unable to support themselves, and she carries the weight of her entire family. She is trying to sell books, so bless her, but her family is a mess, no matter how much she tries to label everyone else living in a mess.
Over to Chris and Jac, they are talking about Nicolas and how hard their lives are. All they have to talk about is how hard it is with their son, and how horrible Teresa is. Why are they even here? Jac is an idiot and should not be on television. They bring nothing to the show, they are using their child to make money, and I am repulsed by them. I honestly think Jac is medicated, and not in a good way. What a useless hag she is.
Everyone arrives to the retreat, which is in a beautiful place. Teresa greets them and is told that Caroline and Jac are not coming, and it will be the family only. Perfect. Kathy says Jac is busy with Nick, and Teresa calls her out on it. If she is so focused on her son, why is she always on Twitter? Then Teresa asks Melissa about Jac, and Mel says she is not on Twitter. Is she high? Melissa is on Twitter every single day. It is laughable.
Melissa likes to retweet every compliment she gets. It is hilarious. Melissa not on Twitter? Okay. Everyone is having a drink at the retreat, but not together. Kathy, Rich, Melissa, Joe and Rosie are having a drink, while Teresa and Juicy are by themselves having a drink. Rich is stirring up shit and I want to punch him. What a loser. He needs to realize he is not a housewife and shut up already. Nobody likes this guy.
Everyone is talking about Jac and it is weird. Why are they are not all together? This is the beginning of a perfect storm. Juicy says Jac is using Nick as an excuse, and I agree. He then talks shit about autism, which was not malicious, just not particularly bright. Cut to lunchtime and everyone is now together to eat. Teresa is being sweet, everyone is ignoring her, and I want to scream at her to get out. No good can come of this.
This is horrible to watch. Rich is ruining it, Melissa is ruining it, Kathy is ruining it, Joe is ruining it, and Rosie and Teresa are left struggling. The team builders arrive and Melissa and Kathy assume they are useless. Why even go if you are going to knock it? I cannot watch. The activities are supposed to help, but if you are going to mock it, there is no help to be found. Granted the team builders are a little lame.
They start the games and Juicy is into it, Melissa implies Juicy is mentally deficient and I am laughing because Melissa is a complete moron, so for her to call someone dumb is almost cute. Bless her. The trainers are talking about the family being loyal, and everyone is talking about Jac instead of focusing on who is there. This is stupid. Joe and Teresa start talking, Melissa speaks for Joe, Juicy speaks for Teresa. Oy vey.
Joe says he is glad Jac didn’t come because it is about family, but Teresa is still talking about Jac. Teresa is shooting herself in the foot. Enough with Jac already. The trainer is trying to get them on track, but it is not happening. Rosie takes Juicy out of the room so that stumbling block is gone and the team builders can do their job. Everyone is talking and the team builders have no control. Joe speaks and it is as if Melissa is talking. Juicy and Rosie are drinking and bless Juicy for even bring there.
Melissa is all about the drama and while this is horrible, it is also hilarious. Melissa is acting, doing it all for Joe, and it is shocking. The team leaders are useless, Melissa is a manipulative whore, and Teresa was never going to fix this. They have painted her into a corner and will never accept her back in the fold. I feel sad for Teresa, but more for Joe. He is sleeping with the enemy and unable to see the true devil that she is.
For the love of God, we have invested so much time in these people, and they are giving us a shit fest. It cannot go on. They need to dismantle this cast, cut their loses, and start over. It makes no sense that they continue, and certainly no sense that we watch. Joe is telling the team leaders it is a waste of time, Teresa is telling Joe he needs to side with the family, and Joe calls her scum. Here we go. It is on people.
Teresa tells Juicy Joe called her scum, Juicy goes to Joe and demands an apology, then Joe attacks Juicy. The big fight that has been used for ads all week, is really happening during the next episode. I am embarrassed for these people and embarrassed for those of us who watch. I feel sad for all their children, and wonder how it is that these people put money and fame in front of family, peace, love, and keeping it real.
July 13, 2013 | 5:34 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
LeAnn Rimes was a guest “actress” on Anger Management this week. By actress of course I mean she played a whore, which doesn’t make her an actress, as much as simply playing herself on a sitcom. Typecasting. In watching the show and hearing her lines, I honestly felt sad for her. Charlie Sheen and the writers were clearly making fun of her, but she does not seem to get that. Poor girl really is incredibly dumb.
If anyone who helps decide her career cared about her, they would not have allowed her to do this show. When she is so carefully watched and easily scrutinized for her behavior, to play a whore when everyone thinks she is a whore, it not the way to go. She is not a good actress and Anger Management proved it. It also proved that she is an idiot, and with the epic failure of her record, she is now clearly desperate for work.
She is a child star gone bad, which leads us to Justin Bieber. He is a sweet boy and I appreciate his talent and generosity of spirit when it comes to children’s charities. I am a Belieber. I love his music, and am not ashamed to admit it. I am troubled however by what a douchebag he has become. Also disturbing is his mother’s attitude towards her son’s behavior. She is milking his fame for herself with a book tour, and it is gross.
I don’t care that he is 19, she is his mother and the kid needs a mom, not a woman who is going to keep quiet while he unravels and puts everything he has accomplished in jeopardy. Justin needs to grow up if he wants to be treated like a grown up. Forget about putting on his big boy pants, he needs to simply pull up his pants and look at what is happening. Nothing really bad has transpired yet, but it is truly just a matter of time.
I feel sad for Justin. He needs a helping hand and it is unfortunate that he seems to be left to his own devices, a lot. I am not particularly concerned with the pot smoking, tattoos, or erratic driving. He is 19 and he will figure those things out. But peeing in a kitchen bucket and telling a President to F off is not cute, not cool, and unacceptable. I don’t care that he called President Clinton to apologize. Not enough. Not even close.
He needs to go to the hotel kitchen where he relieved himself, and apologize to the person who had to clean out his urine from the bucket for minimum wage. Money and fame does not excuse this behavior, in fact, it makes it worse. A young man with such privilege should stop to consider that he is rich and famous because we made him rich and famous. It is our hard earned money that enables him to live the life he does.
I get that he has been on his own since he was 14, appreciate he is at an age where he is faced with difficult choices, in an industry where money talks and he is surrounded by people who are paid to say yes, but if he is not careful he will end up like Amanda Bynes, who is simply lost. I love Amanda, and have since she was a little girl and my son would watch her on Nickelodeon. I don’t understand what is happening with her.
I think Amanda is a lovely girl. She is beautiful and talented and I really hope that whatever she is going through is temporary, and she comes out the other side alive, well and whole. Even through this dark patch, she is still funny and I’d be lying if I told you I did not laugh every time she tells paparazzi they are ugly. She is alone and that is sad, but I want her to know people love her and she matters very much to her fans.
We don’t know what is going on in these people’s lives away from the camera, so this not about judgment, just sharing my opinion on what I see. I see LeAnn Rimes is playing a whore on TV to try to stay famous. I see Justin Bieber is growing up too fast and needs his mother to step up to the plate. I see Amanda Bynes is flailing and I wish I could help her. Sadly all I can do is keep the faith that she can keep it real.
July 8, 2013 | 8:27 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Before we even get started, I just want to say that I think Lauri Peterson is vile. She is so desperate for money and fame that she is selling her soul to the devil to get it. She is on a mission to hurt Vicki and for Bravo to allow it, is ridiculous. I think Lauri is an idiot who married well, if you think marrying a pig is marrying well. It is only my opinion of course, but this is America and I get to share my truth, so there you have it.
We start with Alexis and Lydia, who are talking about the upcoming girls trip to Canada. As a proud Canadian I am thrilled they are going to the Motherland, and grossed out that these bitches are going to the Motherland. Alexis gives Lydia a bible to give her comfort during the trip, should the ladies act up. It is a lovely gift, I collect bibles, and so nice job. It made no sense really, and was ust a way to give Alexis camera time and suck up to the bible belt.
Cut to Tamra and Heather shopping for Canada, which is just an excuse for Heather to talk about how she booked another sitcom. Blah, blah, blah. She’s an actress. We get it. They are talking about Lauri going on the trip and let me just ask, why? She is not a part of this group and she should not be going. Dumb bitch. Tamra tells Heather about the gossiping that Lauri and Gretchen are doing about Vicki. I feel bad for Vicki.
Gretchen, Alexis, and Vicki are all packing for Whistler, and the camera goes back and forth between the three of them. Gretchen is an airhead. Dear Lord she is dumb. Alexis might actually be smarter than Gretchen. Vicki is Vicki and that she is being ripped apart, as the only original housewife, is lame. It’s only a television show of course, and there is not a lot of reality, but the reality is that Lauri is evil and she should be let go. Again.
Lydia has the most glorious hair and Lauri’s face is actually caving in from so much work being done to it. The gang arrives in Canada and it is awesome. I grew up in BC and to see it, if only for a second, is great. Heather brings up her sitcom and she is so hell bent on proving that she is a real actress, she makes a fool out of herself. Who cares Heather? Gretchen and Alexis got calls too, but it was NOT THE SAME PART. Got it Heather.
They arrive in Whistler and Lydia’s uncle arrives, as he has driven up from Vancouver. Come on! Does anyone else notice that he looks EXACTLY liker her husband. Seriously! It is creepy, but sexy, but creepy, but still sexy is a completely creepy way. The ladies all arrive to meet Uncle Handsome and Vicki is chummy with Lauri, which pisses off Tamra because she is annoyed by the rumors Lauri is spreading. Tamra better step up.
They are all having a drink, flirting with Uncle Handsome. Vicki is pointed out as being the single one, and Uncle Greg lets everyone know he has a girlfriend. Smart man. Heather is leaving, after 6 hours. So freaking stupid. She never should have gone, and only went so she could talk about her sitcom, because remember, SHE IS AN ACTRESS. This show sucks and before you comment on the typos, I’m on my 2nd glass of wine in 29 minutes.
They head up the mountain to ski and Lauri, who is mentally deficient, says there will be “flat hills up there”. Dear Lord. Gretchen and Lauri immediately start talking about Vicki’s threesomes. Lauri is now denying she said it was a threesome, which is ridiculous. Tamra is going to step up and tell Vicki, so good for her. Alexis does not believe the rumor is true, so good for her. I hope Lauri is called out for being the garbage she is.
Sidebar: Who wears this much make up to go skiing? False eyelashes? In the snow? Really? Dumbasses. Those who ski are skiing, those who board are boarding, and Tamra takes Vicki off to tell her about what Lauri has been saying. Important to note that I would be surprised if Vicki were on a ski team. Ever. Tamra spills the beans and Vicki is pissed by the accusation of her ever doing something so filthy. I hope Vicki goes ape shit on Lauri.
Tamra tells Vicki to talk to Gretchen. Good for Tamra. Gretchen comes over and Vicki asks her about the rumors. Gretchen tells Vicki what whorebag said and Gretchen is mad at Tamra for telling Vicki. Gretchen thinks Tamra needs to pick a side and be friends with either her or Vicki, but not both. Gretchen says Lauri said she cheated, Vicki admits that she cheated, but she was separated, and Gretchen says she is a serious liar.
Vicki has no problem with the fact that she cheated, it is the threesome that she is struggling with because that is dirty and Vicki does not do dirty. Bless her. Vicki reminds Gretchen that she cheated on Jeff, and that sets Gretchen over the edge. Gretchen calls Vicki an idiot as Lydia, Alexis and Lauri arrive. Vicki confronts Lauri, and Lauri denies she ever said she had a threesome, only that she was in bed with two people. Oy vey.
I am willing to bet my right boob, which is fabulous, that Vicki never had a threesome. I am also willing to double up and throw in the left one that Lauri has. This is so stupid. They are screaming at each other like lunatics and I am mortified that I am watching. Lauri has an agenda. Shame on her. Vicki cheated, got it. Lauri is garbage. Did I say that already? Lauri says she feels betrayed and I am laughing my ass off.
She talked about Vicki ON CAMERA, so how was she betrayed? I am so over this show. Fun to blog about, but more to point out how gross they are as opposed to how entertaining they are. Vicki is pissed but in her childish tantrum she looks crazy, and more interestingly, guilty. Who cares? These woman are not only the oldest franchise, but their storylines are old. I hate this show and I only watch now to blog and keep it real.