Posted by Ilana Angel
Typos this evening are sponsored by Jose Cuervo.
This season feels like it lasted a year, not a few weeks. They are painful. I know they will come back, and it will be all about fake friendships and Gretchen planning her wedding, so with this finale, I am out. I will watch another season of course, we are too invested to not watch, but I will not blog it any longer. They are simply not that interesting. They don’t like each other, so why should we like them? Here is my last RHOC blog!
We pick up at Vicki’s Winter Wonderland party. Everyone is pissed off at Gretchen, and I honestly don’t remember why. Someone is always on the outs and it has shifted from Alexis to Gretchen. Alexis would have us think it is God’s will, but I would argue they are not mad at her because that is how the show was written. Gretchen and Slade arrive and have decided to not tell anyone about their engagement because nobody will be supportive.
Lydia just called Slade a douchelord. I have been using that word in this blog since season one, so perhaps she is reading. Ryan will talk to anyone who will listen about Vicki. So gross. Ryan is talking smack about Vicki and Brooks to Gretchen and Slade. Really? Gretchen says she hears things through the “grapevines” and I am on drink number one. These chicks are mentally deficient. Something bad is about to happen. For real.
Gretchen and Heather start talking. Gretchen is hurt Heather spoke about her offer to be on a sitcom, and Heather is pissed off that anyone would have the balls to think they are an actress when she is the ONLY actress on this show. Gretchen is calling Heather out on her acting ego, and Heather thinks that Gretchen is delusional. Heather wants to talk about her show taping which was weeks ago. How old are these losers? Embarrassing.
Heather and Gretchen have been talking for what seems like hours. I’m so bored. Slade joins in, lies, and nothing is resolved, but they still hug and kiss. So lame. Cut to Vicki, she asks Tamra to be her best friend and gives her a BFF bracelet. Dear Lord. This is mortifying. Jim and Alexis are talking to Tamra, and Jim is gross. Alexis is controlled by him, and bless her she seems happy, so I guess that is her thing. I think Jim is odd.
Tamra pronounces schmuck as shmock and I am laughing. Tamra is apologizing to Jim, who is crying, as is Alexis. She wipes her tears on his scarf, which he says cost $1000.00. I’m pretty sure he got it at Ross for 20 bucks. Terry is eating, Heather is nitpicking at him, then it goes down. Judy, my FAVORITE, is in the house and has her feet on a couch. Ryan tells her he owns the house and she needs to remove her feet from the couch.
Ryan is dropping F bombs and telling her he is going to kick her out. He is yelling at Judy, yelling at Vicki, yelling at everyone, and it is disgusting. He is drunk, clearly mentally unstable, and I feel bad for Judy. She is the most harmless, and most lovely woman on this show and Ryan is out of line. He may be in the military, which I admire and respect more than anything, but he is also an idiot and needs to grow up. Vicki should tell him to leave.
Alexis has run to Lydia’s defense, Lydia is upset, while Judy is shaken. It is very sad. Vicki’s brother is telling Ryan it is not his house and if he is upset, he should leave the party, not Vicki’s guests. Judy says she will stay because she does not want to hurt Vicki. I love Lydia and Judy. Vicki is off to talk to Ryan, and Tamra thinks a joint will help take the edge off. Bravo Tamra. Vicki is making excuses for Ryan, which I sort of get.
Vicki is lovely to Lydia and tells her she is sorry. Good for her. Briana is clearly embarrassed and Ryan is still being an asshole. Brianna is defending her husband, but she is wrong. Vicki uses this as the time to tell Briana that Brooks is back in the picture. Briana tells Vicki she is going to move out with the baby. Ryan is as much to blame to the dismantling of this family as Brooks is. Why so angry? Perhaps we are dealing with a small penis?
Heather invites Jim and Alexis over for lunch. Heather thinks it is not a big deal but Alexis is already picking out a BFF bible in her head. Alexis is entertaining. Important to note I am drinking and when I read this in the morning I will tell myself, no she isn’t! Sidebar: I totally forgot about the reunion shows! It is going to be a 3 part extravaganza and I will blog all 3. I began the season and I will finish it. Reunions included!
Tamra and Gretchen are talking. Well Tamra is talking and Gretchen in listening. These women are painfully immature. I wonder if I hang upside down and drink my booze through a straw this show will get interesting. Wait here a minute……….. whoo hoo! That was fun. Best part was I missed 3 minutes of crap. So great. Don’t try this at home people. I am a professional. Seriously, try it. It was fun and you miss some of the crap.
Tamra and Gretchen solve nothing, but they hug and kiss. This is lame! Vicki confronts Slade and Gretchen about the smack he is talking about her. Slade thinks it is hilarious. Vicki gives Slade a bottle of her Vicki’s Bacon Vodka. Gretchen mocks Vicki and I want to smack her. Slade is picking a fight, Gretchen is picking a fight, and Slade says if Vicki wants to be treated like a lady, she needs to put away her dick.
I think Slade is a moron, but that line was brilliant. All the ladies are now listening in and telling Slade to stop talking crap about women. Slade says he is giving what he is getting. So mature. Lydia chimes in and tells Slade is a pig. She is not standing for his crap. Love her. Lydia is now over Gretchen too. Vicki is now screeching at Gretchen and I do not understand why Gretchen and Slade don’t go. They were never welcome.
And so it ends. Before the finale, which will probably change my opinions on a few of the ladies, I will say that Vicki is desperate, Heather is pretentious. Alexis is harmless, Lydia is good television, Tamra is exhausting, Gretchen is revolting, and Lauri is a whore. I’d like to say it has been a fun season, but that would be a lie. The reunion will be the best part so I will be here watching, drinking, blogging, and keeping it real.
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire.
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television.
12.2.13 at 7:12 am | I was bored with all the jumping around.
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . .
11.25.13 at 11:14 pm | They started off strong, but tonight tanked.
11.25.13 at 9:02 pm | Some of this episode was uncomfortable to watch.
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . . (3827)
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television. (3181)
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire. (3016)
August 4, 2013 | 7:01 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Typos brought to you by vodka.
This is the dumbest and most offensive show Bravo has ever produced. I say this only in part because I am Jewish and they are perpetuating Jewish stereotypes, but also because these women are mortifying as women, friends, and human beings. It needs to go. The funniest thing about this show is watching the princesses beg people to like them on Twitter, then retweet the hell out of any compliment they get. They are a train wreck and I am ready for this show to by thrown into the garbage. If it is renewed I will be surprised, and I will not be watching.
We pick up at the winery and Ashlee is missing, having walked away from the only friends she has, Chanel. Erica, Joey and Amanda have gone to be on the boat, and Chanel is looking for her. She is crying and in talking about Ashlee being sick last year, she makes it all about her. It is stressful for her. Chanel is dramatic, and frankly silly. These women are all stunted in terms of their ages. Instead of living on their own and being grown ups, they are in a time warp where they are forever 16 and stupid. Screw Ashlee, it is party time!
Erica screeching out “Daddy” makes my ears bleed. Watching the crew stare at the boobs is hilarious, and that they are talking smack about Ashlee, not knowing where she is or how she is doing, is pathetic. Throwing Chanel under the bus for not going to the boat with them, and getting sucked in the Ashlee drama, is disgusting. These are not only stupid girls, but also really mean. Joey in particular is vicious. Amanda is too dumb to be mean on purpose, and Erica is hideous. She tells her father she has broken her vagina and I want to swallow glass to distract myself.
Amanda gets a text that Ashlee is in the hospital. Chanel hears from Ashlee’s parents that she has been admitted and I cannot stand the crying. Joey feels bad that Ashlee is in the hospital. They got the text in the sun, and it is now dark, so they didn’t care enough to go check on her, just enough to lie about it. Erica is eating with her mouth open again and I want to smack her. As soon as they are sorry, they take it back and blame Ashlee for being in the hospital. Erica goes so far as saying God is punishing Ashlee for hurting her feelings. I hate these people.
Turns out Ashlee hitchhiked to a hospital because she had a panic attack. I am sorry, but I am laughing. I feel for her and do not think it was anything but terrifying, but come on. This is insanity. Her parents enable her crap and it is not good for anyone. I am now on cocktail number 4. Lord give me strength to make it through. Cut to Casey who is out with Amanda to let her know she was wrong to leave Ashlee. Casey is going to fix things? Casey is a moron. I truly cannot stand this show. I will not watch if is it is renewed. I will not blog, but will mock on Twitter.
This is really not any of Casey’s business so she is out of line. This is a conversation for Chanel, not Casey. Casey bails on Amanda. Cut to Ashlee and Chanel, Ashlee is crying about how she had to be given a Benadryl. I am really sorry to be laughing, but this is just too funny. Ashlee is no longer going to be friends with Joey, Amanda, or Erica. Chanel makes it about a Jewish holiday, which is laughable because these chicks are not practicing Jews, and Chanel is not wearing the clothes of a Modern Orthodox women. This show has nothing to do with Judaism.
Chanel wants everyone to make peace. Chanel should start drinking to take the edge off of her friendships. Amanda and Jeff are off on an adventure. Their voices separately are annoying, but together it is just too much. I’ve got the volume off and the closed captions on. That’s how I roll. Jeff has taken Amanda onto the train where they met. They are reminiscing about when they first saw each other and it is sweet. His speech to her is cute but It is not a marriage proposal, only a promise proposal. Who does a promise ring in their 30’s? These people are on my last nerve.
Cut to Amanda and Chanel who are joined by Erica and Joey. We are waiting on Ashlee. As a Jew I am offended by their mocking of my faith, so we will skip over the importance of the action and just talk about their attempt to make peace. Ashlee turns up and Chanel is crying again. Blah, blah, blah. I love this girl, but it is just too much. Amanda is crying because her mother is suffocating her and in doing so she is stuck with a promise ring, not an engagement. No apology to Ashlee, just a whine about not getting the right ring.
Erica apologizes to Ashlee, but she is not moved, then sort of admits she is an alcoholic. Casey makes Erica’s drinking about her. These girls are ridiculous. Joey is crying about being kicked out by her dad. Still, no real apology to Ashlee. Ashlee tells the girls she had a stroke last year and was bed ridden for eight months. It is very sad and I feel for her. I still think she is ridiculous, but I feel for her. Nice that she had her parents to help her, but at 30 she needs to get out of the house already. She then throws it down on the fake friendships.
Casey is sticking her surgically altered nose into something that is not her business. Ashlee says it could have ended with her on a milk carton and the comparison to her being a kid on a milk carton is laughable. Amanda is blaming Ashlee, Ashlee is over it, and these chicks will never be real friends, because they never were real friends. This show is stupid, these women are lame, and they need to be shelved. There is an old Jewish proverb that says, put idiots on television and nothing they say or do will be about keeping it real.
August 4, 2013 | 6:03 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Typos are sponspred by vodka.
Lots and lots of vodka.
Everyone is talking about Teresa and Joe Giudice and their legal troubles. I will simply say that it appears they are in a heap of trouble, we do not know the truth, and until there is something to talk about, I don’t really have anything to say other than I wish them well. Their children need people to step off until there is a trial and verdict. Now, lets blog.
We start this week with Melissa visiting Joe at work. She is talking crap about Teresa in front of her kids. Lame. Joe is going to do a billboard for a tan shop and Melissa won’t do it because Teresa already has. Melissa is as dumb as she is beautiful. I love her husband and kids, but could not care any less about her book about her manipulated marriage. Garbage.
Over at Teresa’s, she is making dinner because the family is coming over. The entire family. I am happy for them, especially for the kids. Milania is perfection. We jump quickly to Jac’s house so we can hear Caroline talk gossip, and Jac hang on her every word. Melissa joins in so she can throw more crap. Melissa is an idiot and Caroline is depressing.
Melissa feels the need to tell Jac she made up with Teresa. Why? Caroline tells Jac Teresa is going to call her, and Jac acts like she does not care. Of course she cares. Caroline says Jac cannot be free to care for her son with all the drama with Teresa hanging over her head. Really? Jac can’t focus on her kid because her fame is more important than he is.
Jac’s face does not move and her neck continues to get smaller. She is just a head sitting on shoulders, and it freaks me out. Back to Tre’s house, Joe, Melissa and the kids arrive for dinner. The kids are fabulous and seeing them together is really sweet. Important to note Joe’s spray on hair is mortifying. No wonder he has now shaved his head.
Melissa is passive aggressive, and Teresa keeps her mouth shut. Teresa is trying, no matter how much they try to break her. You got to hand it to her for trying. I would have given up long ago, and even though she is to blame for a lot of the problems, it was reactionary and the fault lies with Melissa and her jealousy. She is a fame whore. Whore being key.
Melissa tells Teresa that they told Jac she would be in touch. Melissa is a shit disturber. Teresa has Jac pegged. She calls out Jac on her obsessive and compulsive behavior, including her Twitter addiction. Teresa calling Jac is a waste of time. Jac needs to be in rehab and Melissa needs to be happy for her husband and shut the hell up already. It is getting old.
We jump to Chris and Albie and their new restaurant. Who cares? These two are not interesting and I could give a rat’s ass about how they are trying to get their restaurant open. I am going to step away from the TV to make my 3rd cocktail. Tonight I am drinking fresh watermelon juice with fresh lime juice and vodka. Lots and lots of vodka. Cheers everyone!
We head over to Kathy who is talking about shit from a million years ago. She is talking about what Teresa said last year, or maybe even before last year, proof that Kathy bring nothing to this show. Rosie is lonely and ready to have a relationship. Good for her. She needs to meet a nice woman, who is not like any of the women in her family, to have a shot in hell.
It is time for a Manzo family dinner. For the love of God, there is not enough booze in my home to make this interesting. Important to note: I have a lot of booze. The kids are whining about what losers they are, Caroline tries to build them up, and Albert tells her to shut the F up, then goes to watch TV. He cannot stand to be around his wife, and is not even pretending.
Melissa is shooting the cover of her book. Ugh. Joe is shooting a commercial for a tan shop. Ugh. Melissa is in love with herself, and Joe is in love with himself, so how is it they have time to love each other and have a good marriage? Her book is truly a waste of paper. It is hard to like this couple when she is so unappealing. God Bless Joe for hanging in.
Teresa calls Jac and invites her out. She says she is not sure they can be friends again, but would like things to be civil. Jac says it is important to pay attention to CJ, then takes the call from Teresa and ignores CJ. Jac is a gutter pig who cares more about her camera time than her kids. She uses her children for sympathy and story lines because she has nothing else.
Kathy, Rich, Melissa and Joe are out at a gay bar with Rosie. Dear Lord. Rosie needs to dump the old married folks and go out on her own. She is adorable and they are sucking the joy out of her search for love. Rich is a pig and poor Rosie is getting hammered and making a fool out of herself. I think it is sad. I’m guessing Ellen never called Rosie. Too bad.
Back to Caroline’s, it is another day and Albie is asking Caroline about what is going on with her and Albert. Albie is a loser. Bless him. He is worried about his parents and is rather mean in how he talks to her about it. Caroline is more like she was in the beginning this season, and while I’d like to think she saw herself and wanted to change, it is probably more about camera time.
Caroline is over at Jac’s to talk about Teresa. Again. Jac is going on and on about how Teresa makes all of her family issues about her, but she makes all of her issues about Nicholas. Jac is truly not meant for television. Cut to Teresa, she is on the way to the mall with Juicy and the kids, and they are talking about Jac and Chris. Enough with talking shit in front of the kids.
Gino calls his Dad stupid and we have another Milania in the making. So funny. Give these kids a show and fire their parents. It’s time for the smack down. Jac and Chris meet with Teresa and Juicy. The men go to have a drink and cigar in another spot while the women sit to talk. Is it the same place Caroline spoke to Teresa? No new places in Jersey?
Jac is either medicated, or fresh out of a Botox appointment. Teresa blames Jac for her not talking to Joe for a year, and Jac is not having it. She is bold to the confessional camera, but a mouse in front of Teresa. She is medicated. Over with the boys, they are working through their stuff and it is lame. Chris is a bore and Juicy is over it.
Teresa calls Jac evil and she has no reaction. She is so high. Teresa is calling her out on all her crap and Jac cannot respond. Perhaps because her mouth is shot so tight she cannot speak. We are left hanging until next week. This show has glimmers of greatness in the darkness, but tonight it was a bore. Hopefully next week they’ll get back to keeping it real.
July 29, 2013 | 7:18 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I am not drinking tonight because the thought of Gretchen proposing to Slade makes me want to hurl and with the possibility of vomit so high, I am not prepared to waste any booze. Tonight may put me over the edge, but I am doing it without my boyfriend Jose Cuervo. Wish me luck!
Vicki has Lydia and Alexis over. She remodeled her house and there are no remnants of Donn anywhere to be seen. She is going to have a winter wonderland party to unveil her home. She was inspired by Canada, which I get because I’m Canadian, but her party will suck.
Vicki is inviting everyone but Lauri. She is even going to invite Slade. She listens to a link from his radio show and hears him slam her looks again, but he is invited. She is not taking his crap, but she is invited. This show is so scripted that it is beyond ridiculous. Vicki is not that bright.
Cut to Heather, she is telling her kids they have sold the house and are building a new one. It is an “adventure”. Translation: Insanely pretentious “actress” lets us know their movie theater has 15 seats, but this is not about size, it is about adventure. Jews on reality TV are always lame.
Slade is listening to Gretchen’s song asking him to marry her. He loves her singing but apparently cannot recognize her voice. Why? Because he is deaf from her singing, which is why he loves it so much. We have watched this show for years but Bravo is punishing us. So not cool Bravo.
Slade is crying and at the risk of never living it down, when he tears up and asks if she is there, I cried. I cannot blame the booze, which totally sucks. I cannot stand this couple, but his reaction is really lovely. His cash cow has finally caved and is going to marry his loser ass. Mazel.
Gretchen is dressed like what I think is supposed to be Marilyn Monroe. I cannot believe Bravo paid for this shitfest. You know her purses certainly didn’t. The amount of makeup she is wearing is laughable. Slade is in the car to meet Gretchen and calls his mom. Cute, but he’s a loser.
Gretchen has invited people to join them, but none of the girls. How can this show keep going when all the players hate each other? The families arrive and yes, I laughed out loud at Slade’s brother’s hair. Slade gets into a helicopter and I’m annoyed we are forced to watch this garbage.
This is such a waste of money. Bravo could have donated this money to the Princesses of Long Island so Casey could buy a personality, or Ashlee could get a private jet. I find this whole thing offensive and laughable. This show and these women are everything that is wrong with reality TV.
Gretchen talks about losing Jeff, which is dumb. She loved Jeff’s money, not Jeff. Too harsh? No. Gretchen is talking about how much she loves Slade with flashbacks to what a loser he is, and again, her makeup is hideous. She tells him he is perfect, she loves him, and will he marry her?
I can actually see him counting the dollar signs in his mind. He is reading her lips and crying, and even if you hate these people, which we do, it is a beautiful proposal and I am happy for them. I am sort of hoping he says no, but he gets on his knee and accepts her proposal. Nauseating.
We cut to Tamra who is having her gym pre-sale event and it is sad. The place is a mess, she is not ready to receive guests. Alexis arrives and her boobs look massive. Alexis is harmless and quite sweet. Who would have thought I would like her? I’ enjoy this show more with booze.
Back with Gretchen, the paid extras are excited for Gretchen and Slade. We see Slade’s son Gavin, who is cute, and sounds just like his dad. I’m just not feeling this. Sorry. Gretchen gives a speech and it feels fake and just not authentic. Why am I watching> Why am I not drinking?
Gretchen calls Slade’s brother the swamp version of Slade, and their mom will pay $100 to cut his hair. Nice. Next week is the season finale of this mess and I am beyond happy about it. The party at Vicki’s is getting set up and I am having a glass of wine. I simply must.
Vicki tells her decorator she wants her winter wonderland to be a bit more Mediterranean. Vicki is business savvy and life dumb. Everyone is getting ready for the party/finale. Whatever. Tamra is comparing Eddie to Simon and I am now chugging wine to get through the next ten minutes.
Slade tells Gretchen she is beautiful and she says it is because she hasn’t had crazy surgery. Okay. They are not going to talk about the engagement so nobody wrecks it. Whatever. Heather and Terry are heading over and she is still mad at Gretchen for not respecting she is an actress.
Alexis and Lydia are heading to the party and Jim is going. Wow. Lydia hates Slade and talks about it. Tamra thinks there will be conflict with Gretchen and it is lame. They are going to shoot the finale and nobody wants to see anyone. This show really needs to call it a day. We’re done.
Vicki’s dress is unfortunate. Tamra gives Vicki a friendship gift. Whatever. I like Tamra, but pretty sure that will end when her wedding special airs. I love Lydia, love her mom, love her husband, love it all. Vicki tells the girls she is going to be with Brooks. I am now really drinking.
Everyone is there but Gretchen. Tamra says she picked a wedding date and Alexis says that a lot of water has happened under the bridge with Gretchen. Gretchen arrives and we are done for the night. Next week everyone will fight, Slade will get kicked out, and it will be over.
All good things must come to an end, but in the case of the housewives of Orange County, they are no longer good and have overstayed their welcome. This ending needs to be forever, not just a season. Time to clean house and start over. Losing the garbage is the only way to keep it real.
July 28, 2013 | 7:22 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Tonight’s typos are sponsored by Merlot and Patron.
This show puts me over the edge. It is horrible. The girls are horrible, the voices are horrible, the clothes are horrible, the stereotypes are horrible, all of it. I honestly cannot believe it is on, or that I am watching. That said, as long as it is on I will write about it to let people know is it total crap. They are humiliating themselves, and embarrassing to my faith.
From the moment they start with a Jewish proverb I get a sharp pain in my lower back. We start with Amanda and her sister Ashley, who appears to be missing some brain function. They stop to look at engagement rings and their whining voices make my head hurt. I am going to have to take a shot of tequila or I will never make it trough. I need them to stop talking.
Amanda and Ashley are harmless, but dear Lord, could they be any dumber? The answer is no. Ashley tells Amanda that mother Babs is not going to approve a wedding and Amanda says she will do it without her mom. Ugh. Babs is a hot mess and if I was like that with my kid I would want someone to tell me. So, Babs, as one mother to another, you are a crazy person.
Over at Ashlee’s, her father is enabling her while she waits for Erica to come over. Ashlee tells Erica she did not appreciate the crap she said to Joey, Erica denies it, we see the footage proving she said it, and it is insane. How old are these women? Erica lies out her ass about Joey. Ashlee then tells Erica she needs to not be friends with Joey, who is bad.
Sidebar: You have got to follow these women on Twitter. They retweet every single tweet that is about them. They beg people to watch, ask them to tell Bravo to give them another season, and spread love and light to all. They are pathetic. Casey gets mad when I call her stupid, so instead I will say that she is simple. She is also devoid of any personality.
Babs is having Jeff’s family over for dinner. Babs calls Triple Sec, Triple Set, and we see the apple does not fall far from the tree. Amanda is stressed out over it because she knows her mom is not into it. Jeff and his family arrive, they throw around some Judaism, and everyone sits down for a dinner with uncomfortable and inappropriate conversation.
Jeff's dad is talking about a medical exam, Ashley wants to know if his ass was checked, and I am doing another shot of Patron. Jeff declares his love for Amanda and that he is in for the long haul. Babs is not into it, and Jeff’s mother is mortified by Babs not being into it. Jeff’s parents say all the right things while Babs craps all over it. It is sad and awkward.
Jeff is annoyed, Amanda is standing by her man, Babs is digging her grave. It is a horrible dinner and I am pulling for Jeff to ask Amanda to marry her so she can get the hell out of that house. Cut to Casey, she is having drinks with a friend from the city. I just can’t. Casey makes no sense and I just don’t get her. She is annoying beyond measure and I have hit mute.
Erica, Chanel, Amanda, Ashlee, and Joey are going to a vineyard for drinks, then a boat ride with Erica’s dad. They are freaking out over a bee and I am amazed these women are as old as they are. Joey arrives, Erica ignores her, Joey ignores her back, and the high school shenanigans begin. They split into two cars so Joey can bitch about Ashlee and visa versa.
Chanel thinks the E on the dash is for empty, when it is for east. Joey wants truckers to blow their horns at them, and Erica is making sure she has birth control, which is funny considering her boyfriend is not there. They arrive to the vineyard and it is going to go down. If I had been at the same place and those voices came in, I would demand my money back.
The wine guy cheers them with a “chin chin” and they respond with “ching ching”. Hilarious. They are all wearing stupid shoes and Ashlee is scared to walk up a flight of stairs because she is afraid of heights. Joey is picking at Ashlee, and Ashlee is about to call her dad at any second. Chanel thinks Ashlee is stressed about Joey. Translation: Ashlee is emotionally stunted.
They are at lunch making fools of themselves and the wine guy is clearly pissed off he agreed to have them come and shoot there. Erica is peeing in the trees, and on herself, while asking Joey why she is fighting with Ashlee. Erica wants things settled before they get on the boat. She then makes it worse by asking Joey and Ashlee to talk things out and fix it.
Joey is a bitch, Ashlee is offended, and the fight is on. Joey is a mean bitch, and Ashlee is 12. No good can come of this. Ashlee calls Joey a bad person, again. Joey is screaming, Amanda is trying to help, Chanel is trying to help, Ashlee wants everyone to pick sides, and Erica is admiring what she has started. We have been waiting for this moment all season!
They are now all screaming their heads off and everyone is fighting. It comes out that Erica was lying about Joey. Busted. Erica tells Ashlee she did not lie, and Ashlee lets Erica know she killed her. I am laughing my ass off. Whoo Hoo! These women are HORRIBLE! Ashlee uses an analogy where they are all dogs, including herself. Erica turns to booze to feel better.
Ashlee makes a point of going to Joey and telling her, “Your mom was right about you.” What is that? Ashlee gets on the phone, hysterical, and then we get what we have been waiting for. “M O M M Y . H E L P . M E.” I know it is a horrible situation, but boy oh boy is it good. They are imploding and I am thrilled. Maybe this will be enough to get this show cancelled.
Ashlee’s dad tells her to get a car service and come home. Ashlee says she needs to take a private jet. Oh. My. God. I cannot stop laughing at these losers. Chanel goes to find Ashlee while the others are still fighting about who is to blame. Chanel then calls Casey. How is Casey going to help? Ashlee knocks Joey's looks, which is what started this whole mess.
Erica is crying to Rob about disappointing her father, who is waiting for them. Everyone is talking about how everyone else is not a good friend. They are all 14 year old girls. There are now two teams, Chanel, Ashlee and Casey, against Amanda, Erica and Bethenny. I mean Joey. Everyone is storming off and I am going to have another shot. That makes 3. Yes 3.
Chanel follows Ashlee out and turns to make sure the camera is following too. Hilarious. The three musketeers are leaving to go to the boat, and leave Chanel to deal with Ashlee. Ashlee vanishes, abandoning Chanel when she was the only one willing to stand by her. It has been an hour and I am not only drunk, but I am exhausted by all the fighting and stupidity.
Next week is the season finale and God willing, it will also be the series finale. Ashlee is in the hospital, Chanel is sad to have the wedding over and everything not about her, Amanda and Jeff will get engaged. I will blog next week and I truly hope it is the last time. These women do not belong on television. No matter how much I drink, I am still keeping it real.
July 28, 2013 | 4:52 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Tonight's typos are sponsored by Merot.
We are still at the retreat. Bravo to Bravo for dragging this out and sucking every last drop out of it. I feel like we have been trapped in this castle forever. I am sick of Melissa, sad for Joe, digging Juicy, feeling for Teresa, loving Rosie, and not paying attention to Rich, Kathy, or Caroline. I’m ready for week three though. Wine is poured, so here we go.
Joe and Teresa are talking, which is only possible because Melissa is not there. Dr. V is awesome and says they need time together, and it is Teresa who suggests Melissa join in. Melissa is with everyone else talking crap about Teresa and I want to smack her. Melissa is a liar and I am not buying anything she says. She likes when Joe is mad at Teresa.
Melissa is negative and going into every second thinking nothing will be resolved. Melissa is on her way up and Joe tells Teresa she is easy. (Insert stripper joke here.) Melissa joins and her facial expressions and body language are pissing me off. Sidebar: I am drinking red wine tonight, and am guessing that I will go through the entire bottle by myself. Just saying.
Melissa blames everything on Kim D, so Teresa says she will not hang out with Kim if Melissa stops hanging out with Jac. Melissa changes the subject and seems to be a little confused. She insists she is not stupid, but come on. Teresa is not causing the problems, she is reacting to what she is told, which when partnered with Melissa’s actions, creates a perfect storm.
Joe is ready to move on, while Melissa is hanging onto the anger and fighting. Teresa is a saint to keep trying when she is faced with such crap. Important to note that I don’t think Teresa is innocent in this mess, because she is not. That said, she is reacting to what she is being given. Melissa is blowing smoke up everyone’s ass and Dr. V calls her on it. Nice work.
Melissa wants us to know she will try, but it hard because she has been through so much. Really? Melissa is an idiot. Bless her. Poor Joe. He is blind as a bat. Bless him. Everyone hugs it out, Teresa tells Melissa she loves her, and Melissa is a bitch. Dr. V calls them out and makes them hug for real. Caroline and the Wakile’s playing in the snow is stupid.
Juicy has now joined in the fun, calm as a cucumber. I like Juicy, and I like Joe, but the anger is palpable. They are talking it out and Juicy gets up and apologizes to Joe and Melissa. He just wants it to be over. I know Juicy is not perfect, and he has done some unsavory things, but you cannot say that he is not willing to do what needs to be done to help him wife. Love him.
Dr. V leaves and Kathy is pissed off that she didn’t get to talk to her. Kathy, she left because we don’t care about you, your family, or anything you say. Sorry. Not sorry. Everyone is together and Teresa thanks Caroline for coming, and Melissa starts to talk as if she is a nice person. Kathy is talking and I want to smack her. She is going to ruin this entire thing. Dumbass.
The boys, and Rosie, are going ice fishing while the women cook dinner. Back at home, Caroline calls Jac and we have to watch. Really? This is stupid. Caroline is a gossiping, bitter hag. All good feelings about her are now gone. Jac is a moron and I am sick of her. We managed to go 30 minutes without having to see Jac. Damn you Bravo for sucking her in.
The ice fishing begins and it is lame. It is an attempt at comedy, which sort of works, but not really. They are going back and forth between the men and the women. The women are cooking, except for Melissa, and the men, with Rosie, are acting like kids. Juicy and Joe are going at it in a totally passive aggressive way, and it is both nerve wracking and cute. Rich is bored.
Rich is vile, disgusting, and should not be on TV or Twitter. They give up on the fishing and head back to the Inn. Melissa is getting hammered. She is drowning her sorrows because her evil plot to keep Joe and Teresa apart seems to have failed. Even if it is only a temporary fail, it is awesome to watch her squirm. Dinner is ready and Melissa is still drinking.
Dinner is nice, everyone is getting along, and Juicy tells Caroline he thought Jac and Chris were coming, so he brought a present for Chris, and would Caroline take it back. So sweet. Juicy misses Chris and it is a touching moment,. Caroline makes it about Nick, and I am now completely grossed out by her. Rich says Juicy should take it to Chris himself and reconnect.
Sometimes Rich says the sweetest things, then in an instant he is a disgusting pig. I don’t like him and think he is so gross that his moments of loveliness mean nothing. Why is he on this show? Kathy and Rich need to leave the show and sell canolli out of the back of her car. They bring nothing to this show. They never have really. Time for some new blood to join.
Oh. My. God. We are at dinner with Jac and Chris. For the love of God, who cares? Chris is talking about masturbation. Really? The only thing they have to talk about is masturbation? Jac manages to turn a discussion about masturbation to Teresa. She is pathetic. Back at the Inn they are playing trust games. Rich is a pig, Rosie is wasted, and it is almost entertaining.
The scene of them catching each other is proof that the time at the Inn should have only been 2 weeks, not 3. They are pulling at straws now. Caroline says she will let Teresa catch her if she promises to do it with Jac one day. Caroline is a joy sucker. This was about family, she was invited in as an outsider, and she is ruining the moment. I can’t stand Caroline now.
Jac and Chris are STILL talking about Teresa. Holy crap. Everyone at the Inn is going to bed to sleep off the buzz and Teresa is crying about Jac. Wasted tears. Juicy is divine in this episode. I love him. The retreat is finally over and while I’m happy for them, I’m left feeling more pissed about Jac, than happy for the others. That’s sad, but keeping it real.
July 25, 2013 | 5:13 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
This show is just not good anymore. Period. It is impossible to know who likes who, who is going to stab who in the back, and who is going to have a breakdown. None of the men in their lives are interesting, and the truth is we no longer care enough to watch with any regularity. Yes I am going to say we, because I hear it all the time from other fans. We are checking out and this show is on its last leg. Blogging it is painful. It is not fun, and each week it becomes less worthy of my time.
That said, I will finish what I started because I’m a giver. We begin with Gretchen. She is on the phone with Slade telling him all about the trip to Canada. She calls him because she has nobody else to call. I imagine she does not have many friends other than the ones Bravo pays to hang out with her. We are listening to Gretchen recap the show we have already seen. Dear Lord. Gretchen is talking about Heather being threatened by her as an actress. I am having my first drink now.
Speaking of Heather, Terry takes her to an empty lot because he wants to sell their house and build a bigger one. Really? Rich people are crazy. They are going to accept an offer on their house for $16,450,000.00. Terry will work less, they will build a new house, and it is important to note that Heather is not into material things. She is not going to go from 15000 square feet to 17000 square feet because she values things, but because she likes a challenge. Thanks for clarifying that Heather. What a relief.
Over to Tamra we go to watch her have dinner with Eddie. Fascinating. By fascinating of course I mean I need electric shock therapy just to stay awake for this show. They are two weeks away from opening their gym. Who cares? Tamra wants to plan their wedding and Eddie could care less. He tells her he does not want to feel pressured. Really? He asked her to marry him so where is the pressure? They then do the time-honored tradition of picking a wedding date by pulling June 22 out of their asses. Mazel Tov.
We are now with Vicki who is puffed up like a marshmallow. It is an “allergic reaction”. Okay. Vicki is off to Napa with Brooks to work on her vodka line. For the love of God. We are now listening to Vicki recap the trip to Canada. The whole show is them talking about the same thing. Vicki does not need a man, but she wants one. She is fighting with Briana about Brooks. Again. I am now pouring a shot of tequila just to take the edge off. By shot of course I mean I have placed a straw in my bottle of Patron. For real.
Alexis and Gretchen are having lunch. Alexis is gorgeous and Gretchen looks skeletal. Alexis cries, Gretchen bitches to the camera about everything Alexis says. Gretchen’s mouth is talking, but her face is not moving, so I need to move on. These chicks are not friends so they need to cut the crap and cut each other loose. Not sure how this conversation ends because I am skipping over it. Regardless of what they are saying to each other, all I can hear is blah, blah, blah. These bitches need to get off of our televisions.
Lydia is hosting her “life group” at her house. It is some kind of bible study where they get together to talk about life and how God helps them. Good idea, love her. I’m not watching though. Cut to Vicki in Napa with Brooks. He makes my skin crawl. He is creepy and truly makes me uncomfortable. They are working on her Vodka line. Another housewife sucking the life out of her 15 minutes. Vicki says, “All the casinos in Vegas are on board.” I doubt it. I love vodka, drink it often, and I am not buying Vicki Vodka.
Alexis is going to LA for an audition. Now, please remember that Heather is the only actress on this show. Alexis may think she is an actress, but Heather is the only one. Know it. Alexis meets with Jeff Margolis, who is a successful guy, but I just can’t. She is ridiculous, he looks like a pervert, and I am skipping over it. Honestly, the second he stuck his tongue out and she started to draw I was laughing too hard to listen. Do you think these women understand that they are making fools of themselves? Probably not.
Rather than go for the easy jokes in terms of tea bags with Lydia and her mom, I will simply say that these two need to have their own show. Gretchen has decided that she is going to ask Slade to marry her. She is going to record a song for him because he loves to hear her sing. All these years watching and I did not know Slade was deaf. He must read lips because if he loves her singing he is clearly experiencing hearing loss. Then she starts singing and I want to shove hot coals in my ears. Oh. My. God.
Vicki is out for dinner with Brooks and I wonder why she didn’t bother to brush her hair. I also wonder why she is wearing fake eyelashes, after she said she was allergic. Vicki asks Brooks about his dating someone else. He denies it. No dating, no kissing, no giving of money. Brooks is gross and his voice makes me want to vomit but I refuse to give up my tequila. Vicki tells Brooks Briana is out of town and maybe he can come over and perhaps fill her love tank. Brooks blames Briana for all their problems. Icky.
We are shown commercials for Bravo’s new show. “Eat, Drink, Love”. I’m not watching. Vicki tells Brooks he is not making a stand and fighting for them. Vicki is ridiculous, Brooks is not a good egg, and Briana is going to pay the price for her mother being a fool. Whatever. Next week Gretchen will ask Slade to marry her, he will say yes, I will vomit. I’m going to need to double up on my booze for next week because whatever is going in will come back out. Getting drunk is simply required in order to watch and keep it real.
July 21, 2013 | 8:17 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Tonight’s typos are generously sponsored by Grey Goose. I cannot stand this show and only blog it to tell people exactly how horrible it is. I tried. Truly I did. I even interviewed Chanel and wrote about how fabulous she is, which I still believe, but even she is on my last nerve. These women are emotionally and mentally stunted. Don’t even get me started on the Jewish stereotypes. These chicks are caricatures of what is means to be Jewish and if Chanel were Modern Orthodox she would not be wearing what she does. I am on drink number two, so here we go.
We start at Ashlee’s house. She is having a sleepover because she is scared to be home alone while her parents are away. She is 30. Her phone rings and she tells it to hold on. Dear Lord. She is preparing a cheese tray and is separating the cheese types because poor people mix things, and she is not poor. I’d rather be poor than rich if rich meant I had to be this dumb. Chanel arrives, and they cannot open the wine. They are seriously so very dumb. Bless them. Amanda arrives and her pajamas are more suited for porn.
Ashlee immediately jumps on Amanda for talking smack about her to Joey. They are drinking, gossiping, whining, and acting like they are in high school. They have the mentality of middle school kids, and I want to cut myself and slowly bleed to death. How are these women on television? What is interesting here? They are embarrassing themselves. They are crude, rude, stupid, and pathetic. Casey took offense to me calling them stupid on Twitter but come on. Regardless of whether or not these women are educated, the fact is that they are all stupid.
Ashlee is a virgin. That news is the first thing on this show that makes sense. She also smiles while she is sleeping. Probably because she is touching herself, but she would never admit that. Cut to Joey, she is 29 and living at home with her Dad and his 2nd wife. Important to note that they live in a gorgeous house, not the place Ashlee picked her up at earlier in the season. Bravo is full of shit. Joey is talking to her dad about her business but he is not interested. He wants her out of his house. Her dad is clearly frustrated with her, but also a bit of an asshole.
Cut to Erica’s house, she is having dinner with her parents and Rob. Poor Rob. Her parents make me sick. They constantly mock Judaism and I want to smack them. They are rude and ignorant. Erica says she loves Rob because he is what she is supposed to be in love with him, not because she is. She is a slut, we all know it, and if Rob does not know, he is a moron. Rob says he wants to get engaged but Erica is not into it. She just wants to play house, sleep with the pool boy, and the gardener. I don’t get this chick and find it annoying she is on television at all.
Chanel is at home and Casey comes to visit. I thought Casey never came to Long Island? I am sick of hearing Chanel talk about her sister’s wedding. Chanel practices her speech for the wedding, Casey gives her advice. Chanel turns it all back to her. Chanel is incapable of saying something nice about the wedding, without talking about herself and the pressure of her community. Here’s the thing, nobody cares about Chanel as much as Chanel does. She is not married because she does not want to be married yet. She is obsessed with what others think.
Amanda is on a double date with Jeff, Ashlee, and Marcos, who she is setting Ashlee up with. I cannot watch Amanda and Jeff fall all over each other. Their voices make my ears bleed. Marcos arrives and he is a pig. He puts his hand on Amanda’s ass and I immediately think he is a freak. Why do all these people talk with their mouths full and chew with their mouths open? They have ordered food and drinks before Ashlee arrives, which I think is rude. Ashlee is into Marcos. He got his pilots license the same year she was born. This date is creepy.
Chanel tries on her dress for the wedding for her mother and I am bored. Like her mother has not seen the dress? It is a scripted moment of ridiculousness so she can look stupid in her dress and cry about how she is not getting married. Every time Chanel talks about the wedding she changes the number of guests attending. Chanel is making her sister’s wedding all about her. I am going to walk away and make myself another drink. That will be drink number four. Whoever decided to put Princesses on right after RHONJ clearly has no regard for my liver. Bastards.
Marcos goes to the bathroom, Ashlee says he is perfect, he returns with flowers he stole off the bar, and they are off to a club. It is senior night! Amanda is mortified, Jeff is sweet, and Ashlee is disgusted. Marcos is aggressive, flirting with everyone there, and drunk. He is a lot bigger than Ashlee and is tossing her around. Not cute. Ashlee bails. Joey takes Amanda to try her lip gloss thing and I just can’t. These chicks are not meant to be on TV. They are not interesting, bring nothing to the table, and make me want to impale myself.
Joey is looking at apartments and takes Amanda with her. She is desperate, Amanda feels for her, and all I can think about is that Joey is just like Bethenny. Not cute. They look at small apartments, then trash them both. The realtor is useless, and I am bored. Joey calls her dad, who is a douche and hangs up on her. We are clearly not seeing everything in terms of her relationship with her dad, but who cares? He appears to not like her, she does not like him, and I don’t know why she would want to show her dad on television like this.
He has given her 90 days to move out and support herself. Joey says her dad does not help her. Really? He has let you live FOR FREE at his home for over two years, and you are ALMOST 30. GROW UP. Enough about that, it is wedding time. They are all the best of friends, but only Ashlee and Casey are invited to the wedding. The wedding has gone from 300, to 400, to now 500 guests. Chanel is getting her hair and makeup done and again making it all about her and the judgment she feels, not her sister. Chanel needs to get a grip.
Casey has not been to temple in 16 years and I am once again reminded by how offended I am as a Jew by this show. The wedding is beautiful, done in Hebrew with Israeli music, and it is lovely. I sang along and cried. It is the vodka so don’t judge me. Chanel tries to have a Pippa Middleton moment but doesn’t quite get there. She is crying again, talking about having hope she will meet someone. I want to sit this young woman down and have a chat. Ashlee lets us know she has also not given up hope that she will find love. No hope from Casey.
Chanel is giving her speech and nobody is listening, including her sister. She perseveres, and reads it. They show Ashley and her husband listening, but I am certain it was an edit and she did not hear Chanel’s speech at all. Chanel is dancing and I’m done. It’s a great wedding, Casey feels sorry for Chanel, and Chanel is moving on to "become the woman she is meant to be." Chanel’s wedding ends and then it happens. We see that next week will be the “help me” show. I cannot wait. It’s the only reason I’ve been watching. Next week we keep it real!