Posted by Ilana Angel
In honor of our favorite has been singer’s birthday, I will mark the occasion by listing some of the amazing things she did during the last year. She has proven herself to be much more entertaining than I ever imagined. By entertaining of course I mean delusional and in need of some serious therapy. By therapy of course I mean medication. It is just my opinion of course, and I only share it because this is America and I am allowed to. Plus, she begs to be written about. She literally begs people.
It is amazing to me that so many continue to write about a woman who is famous for having once been famous, but I do it too, so there you go. The difference between my pieces on her and others, is that I appear to be the only writer calling her out on strange, scary, and inappropriate behavior. Everyone else seems to overlook her madness and kiss her ass. I don’t kiss ass, and if I were to kiss an ass, it most certainly would not be hers. I think LeAnn is delusional and exhibits dangerous behavior.
As a gift to our favorite crazy person, I would like to share a top ten list of her most crazy antics this year. When compiling the list it occurred to me that I could create a top ten list every week, and probably every day. This chick is a whack job. I write about her because she does things that simply must be discussed, and once her reality show airs I will go to town on that too. People ask why I write about her so much and the truth is that I write about her because somebody needs to tell the truth.
I will repeat now, what I have always said, if LeAnn Rimes drops her lawsuit against the Smiley family, I will never write about her again. I will not write a blog, or a tweet, or a Facebook status on her ever again. I will never again mention her. I will not write about her, or her music, or her TV show. Not a peep. I will simply move on with my life and let the woman be. It’s not brain surgery. It is quite simple, but requires a sliver of decency from LeAnn. Since she is unwilling to take me up on my offer, here is my Top 10 list of crazy.
10) LeAnn sent flowers to her husband’s ex-wife on Mother’s Day, then tweeted all about it to show how lovely she was. She did not mention in any of her tweets that she sent the flowers to the woman whose life she not only ruined, but tries desperately to emulate. LeAnn Rimes does not have a real job because her full time obsession is to become exactly like the woman her husband is in love with, which funnily enough is not LeAnn Rimes.
9) LeAnn likes to tweet about how she pays no attention to, and places no value on. my opinion, yet every time I mention her, she has something to say about it. She has her gaggle of minions attack me as a writer, mother, and Jew. Even people who are blocked from viewing my tweets get in on the action. She has assembled a group of vigilante Twitter stepmoms to troll Twitter and attack anyone who dares to mention her in an unfavorable light.
8) LeAnn likes to have her picture taken in a bikini. To be fair, if I had her body I would probably walk around in a bikini all the time myself. She has a nice figure, and while I prefer a body that is a little less skeletal, LeAnn seems unable to wear a bathing suit that has not already been worn by her husband’s ex-wife. In her attempt to become the former Mrs. Cibrian, she makes a complete fool of herself with the single white female crap.
7) LeAnn chose a special cake for her husbands 39th birthday. Instead of a cake adorned with flowers or balloons, like normal people, LeAnn chose a cake that had a couple, presumably her and her pig, naked under the covers with two little boys sitting at the foot of the bed. It was beyond inappropriate. The craziest part of the whole thing was that not only did she buy the insane cake, she tweeted pictures of it to the world.
6) LeAnn discovered Vine and set a goal to post the most mundane, annoying, and stupid videos of all time. They are posted often and are never entertaining. The problem is that Ms. Rimes does not seem to understand that she is not at all entertaining. In fact, the only people who find her entertaining are physiatrists who have never seen this type of madness, and are most certainly looking to name it for future medical journals.
5) LeAnn gave a concert in a parking lot or something, and two men planning to attend sent her a picture of the outfits they were wearing to her show. They wore big pink cowboy hats and t-shirts that read “F**k Brandi”. LeAnn tweeted back that she loved the shirts. The men then wore the shirts to her concert, which was attended by her husband’s kids. She talks about anti-bullying but refuses to acknowledge she is an epic bully herself.
4) LeAnn is suing Kim and Lexi Smiley for taping a phone call with her and making it public. The lawsuit is silly, her lawyer is only in it for money, and a family is being put through hell because Ms. Rimes is allowing her ego to rule her decisions. The Smiley’s have done nothing to LeAnn Rimes, but she is torturing them. I can assure you, there are millions of people who will testify they thought Ms. Rimes was a lunatic long before hearing the tape.
3) LeAnn wrote an entire album about her affair with her husband. She tweeted incessantly about a song called Borrowed, and how her husband’s kids love it and like to sing it. The song is about her having sex with their dad while he was married to their mother. She is bragging about kids singing about their dad’s new wife being a whore and breaking their mother’s heart, but she thinks it is absolutely adorable how much they love her music.
2) LeAnn was on a parking lot tour for her record, which nobody bought, and at one point tweeted that her husband’s kids were on the tour bus with her and it was their “happiest place on earth”. The truth is that the only way her tour bus is the happiest place on earth for those children is if it is parked in the driveway of their mother’s home and they are looking at it through the living room window. Their happiest pace on earth is with their mother.
The number 1 crazy moment is……
1) LeAnn has been tweeting nonstop about her birthday celebrations, and in anticipation of her big birthday party, she tweeted that her “sons” were planning her party. For the love of God Ms. Rimes, you do not have any children. Your husband has children, and you are blessed to be in their lives, but no matter how much you try to be their mother in your demented and delusional mind, you do not have any sons.
I seriously could have made this a top 100 list and still had to cut things out. LeAnn Rimes is a piece of work. She is a woman who was famous many years ago for singing, and has managed to become famous again. This time for being a dirty, stupid, vindictive, childless, whore. The county music world has washed their hands of her, and the only reason she is getting a TV show is because she is probably paying for it herself. That show will be LeAnn’s gift to me. It is blogging gold and I am going to go to town writing about it.
Ms. Rimes will celebrate turning 31 knowing she is unstable, has a husband who is a prolific cheater, no career, and no children. Mazel Tov. She will rally her troops to attack anyone who speaks badly about her, and try to convince all stepmothers the world is against them and they need an uprising to demand respect. A good stepmother is a blessing to a mother who shares custody of her children with a new wife. LeAnn is not that kind of stepmother. She is simply a bitch who is incapable of keeping it real.
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire.
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television.
12.2.13 at 7:12 am | I was bored with all the jumping around.
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . .
11.25.13 at 11:14 pm | They started off strong, but tonight tanked.
11.25.13 at 9:02 pm | Some of this episode was uncomfortable to watch.
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . . (4184)
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire. (3837)
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television. (3542)
August 26, 2013 | 5:51 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Typos this evening are generously and gloriously sponsored by Patron.
It is finally coming to an end. We will need to watch Tamra’s wedding special, because we are masochists like that, but for the regular season, it is over. We start the final hour of what should have only been one hour, talking with Heather. She sold her house and is happy about it. She is also an actress and was frustrated by her husband.
She truly does talk to her husband like he is a moron, then he placates her by talking to her like she is a moron, and they both come across as not that appealing. The tension between Heather and Terry can be traced back to onion rings. She is a bitch. She refers to their dinner party as HER party, and I am not paying attention. Why are reality TV Jews always such idiots? Such a shame.
Heather wants to be thought of as being valuable in her marriage. Okay. Over to Jim and Alexis, Andy says they tried to paint a good picture of themselves. I met them recently and he is a little odd, but the truth is he loves his wife, they have a strong connection, a shared faith, and it is sweet. Tamra thinks Alexis shows a staged marriage. I’m bored.
Time to talk about Tamra and Eddie. That they are wasting time about his delay in setting the wedding, after we know they are already married and Bravo is shoving her wedding special down our throats, is a waste of time. Tamra looks beautiful and happy, but I could not care any less about her wedding. I’m watching her special though, which is pathetic.
Time for Briana to join the reunion and she is not sitting with her mom. Weird. Her baby Troy is gorgeous. I feel for her being alone while her husband is in Afghanistan, and I respect people in the military, but Ryan is an ass. Briana is making excuses for Ryan’s behavior at the Winter Wonderland party and it is a crock. Briana is lying and I’m not into it.
Briana is crying, without tears, and saying her husband was not to blame. Lydia calls her out on it and Briana shuts it down. We find out Briana and the baby have moved out of Vicki’s house. Now it is time to talk about douchelord Brooks. She is dating him, but also dating other people. Vicki shuts it down and will not discuss what Brooks did to disrespect Briana.
It is going to get ugly people. Shot time! Whoo hoo! Vicki admits Brooks has disrespected her, denies it was physical, Briana indicates it was, and I am uncomfortable watching because clearly there is some major lying happening. Briana says Brooks spoke of his genitals to her and Briana storms off. Vicki is still defending Brooks and it is just strange. Classic abuse.
Brooks comes in and starts off by apologizing to Briana. He says she read an email from him to Vicki telling her he loved her while she was still married to Donn. Interesting. Briana is ready to rumble and Brooks is cool as a cucumber. Briana says Brooks told Ryan to hit her and drops the F Bomb. He admits he said it to Ryan and everyone is jumping in with questions.
Briana says he was abused as a child, Lydia starts crying and leaves the room. Brooks says it was taken out of context and Vicki leaves saying she will not do this to Brooks. No comment about Briana, only Brooks. Dear Lord. Vicki is a moron. They go to show a montage of Vicki and Brooks but Briana is going off on Brooks and that he calls his member “Girth Brooks”. Funny.
For the love of God, I think Ryan is a loser, but I believe Briana when she speaks of Brooks. That he would submit himself to this public humiliation is fascinating. What a pig. This is mortifying. Lydia is back, Briana is done, and Vicki is a complete idiot. Over to Tamra, she says she went to lunch with Brooks to make sure he was not hurting Vicki, as if he would tell her.
We will never know the truth until Vicki is brave enough to tell it, but my opinion is that Vicki is desperate and lonely. She is also used to abusive relationships and is attracted to them. Whether it is physical or emotion abuse, she seems to be most comfortable when she has it, which is truly heartbreaking. It’s like an addict that rejects an intervention.
The women are now pushing Vicki and it is strange. Everyone is telling her Brooks is not the right one for her, but she is still defending Brooks over Briana. Vicki is bawling and Praise the Lord, THERE ARE REAL TEARS!!! God Bless you Vicki. Brooks tells Vicki he will leave her. Vicki says she will leave him, then compares Brooks to Slade. Time for another shot!
Vicki says Gretchen stuck by Slade when everyone hated him and they made it. She feels if she hangs onto Brooks, they may have true love too. Oy vey. I might loose my shot. Brooks says he is done because he loves her enough to let her go. Crapfest. Brooks says good bye to Vicki and leaves, she cries real tears, and all the women come to comfort her. Icky.
Vicki says she hates her life and wants her family back. Only took her a year to figure it out. Bless her simple mind and stupid heart. And so it ends for the original houswives. It was a long and painful season. It should also be the last season. These women have run their course and we need to say goodbye. No chance of them going away though.
Bravo is going to milk this cash cow until the very last penny drops. The women take turns talking about how the season went down and they all make it very clear that they want to come back for another year. Vicki is rambling and I am done. Time for one final shot of tequila. Thanks for a fun season ladies, even though I was the only one keeping it real.
August 26, 2013 | 6:56 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I was recently invited to an event with Alexis Bellino, by the publicist handling her clothing company. I thought it odd they reached out to me because I don’t often write positively about Alexis. I think she is essentially harmless, but in terms of the Real Housewives of Orange County, she is not interesting, portraying a fake life, and not bringing anything of interest to the show. I have actually found her and her husband to be annoying.
There is no reality in reality TV, so while I have not been a fan of Alexis, it is based on what I see on the show not real life. They could be perfectly lovely people living the exact life they want me to believe they lead. Probably not, but who am I to say? I am not a gossip writer, or a TV critic. I am a fan of reality TV and a writer who shares my view and opinion. When it came to the event, I agreed to go if I could get an interview with Alexis.
It was not about the show as much as it was about her. I am a woman with deep faith and I am attracted to people of faith. I thought it would be interesting to talk to Alexis about her belief in God and how it came to be that she was working with a Jewish woman who describes herself as very religious. I told the publicist that I was interested in talking about faith and they told me I could interview both Tal, her design partner, and Alexis if I came.
I made it very clear to the publicist, as well as Alexis and Tal, that I wanted to talk about faith. I did not come to them, they came to me, so I assumed they were comfortable with my style of writing and I thought that perhaps they felt if I related to Alexis through faith, maybe I would take it easier on her. That’s not how I roll. I will always write my honest opinion and again, I write about the show, not the people. They were taking a leap of faith.
I arrived to the event and was surprised. It was a fashion show for Alexis’s line with designer Tal, and it was in a hair blow out shop. It was very tiny, the runway was silly, there were balloons outside as decoration. There was no valet parking, no food being served, and a guy pouring wine. There were a lot of people there, mostly young women dressed like streetwalkers and old Orange County ladies trying to look young. It was a fire hazard.
I interviewed Tal first. She is a pretty girl, with unfortunate facial injections. She is pregnant and has the glow of a woman about to have a child. She is very sweet and approachable. She is Israeli with a thick accent, but I am also Israeli and my mother’s accent is thicker than Tal’s, so there was no miscommunication. We spoke for about 20 minutes and understood each other. To be very clear, there was no language barrier.
Tal was not particularly kind to her business partner Alexis. In fact, she was mean. She told many things about Alexis that I thought should be kept to herself. When I mentioned in my RHOC recap blog that she was not kind, she, along with her publicist, began to email me. They said I was causing distress to her pregnancy. They said I misunderstood Tal because of her accent. They said Tal was not articulate due to being pregnant.
I got a couple of threatening emails from Tal saying in part: “I don't understand why you would attack me this way in print when everything you wrote is incorrect and offensive to me and my business. You kept harassing me about why I am working with Alexis since she is Christian. I repeatedly answered you politely. Call before this becomes a nightmare. Call me before we take matters in our own hand and pursue other avenue by tomorrow.”
When I first started to interview Tal I was taking notes. When she started to speak badly about Alexis, I began to record our conversation. I knew she was going down a slippery slope and I wanted to make sure I was hearing her correctly. In listening to the conversation now, I can tell you with no hesitation, that Tal was unprofessional about her partner. She said Alexis has nothing to with the line and made no design decisions.
She said she uses Alexis for fame and to make money. She said that Alexis claims to be a woman of God but she never congratulated Tal on her wedding or her pregnancy. Tal said she was kosher, and Alexis brought her kids to a meeting and fed them bacon cheeseburgers in front of her. She made fun of Alexis, in both English and Hebrew. I was surprised by her answers and you can hear me laughing at many of her answers in disbelief.
She is free to have her opinion of course, and I was not surprised about what she said about Alexis, but raher that she was telling me these things. I am friendly and make people comfortable, but I am also press and this was for an article, so for her to make these choices, and for her publicist to leave her alone with a writer, particularly if they are going to say she is "not fluid" due to pregnancy, was silly. They are now doing damage control.
When we finished speaking it was time for me to talk to Alexis. She is very tiny and soft spoken. A very beautiful woman and she seemed to have no idea who I was or what I had written about her for years, as she did not mention it. Important to note that I have interviewed many housewives and they have all said they know my blog and know I am brutally honest. Alexis said nothing, and stood with her husband as I began asking questions.
We spoke about faith and if it was hard to keep so connected when so many people judge. She spoke beautifully about faith and God. I relayed a message I got from one of her fans speaking of how Jews were the chosen people and she was touched by it. She said her faith is personal and that she admired all faiths and felt people of faith were blessed no matter what the faith. We shared many of the same views on God and religion.
Alexis also spoke highly of Tal. She said they had a great relationship and partnership. Jim said he was proud of his wife and stepped aside as my teenage guest asked for a picture. We spoke for about five minutes and I felt bad because she had no idea that Tal has spoken so unkindly about her. When I started to get emails from Tal and her people I told them that I had not decided whether or not I would post a blog about the visit at all.
It has been over a week since I was in Orange County and I have not written about the interview until now. I am only writing about it after I was contacted by Tal and her team and called a liar. You can say I am harsh, mean, sarcastic, or opinionated, but you cannot say I am a liar. I felt bad for Alexis. For someone close to her, who is in business with her and using her to make money, to speak so unfavorably about her hurt my feelings for her.
I write honestly and without fear because I know it is the truth. I share my opinions and stand by them. I am funny and uncensored, harsh and kind, open and unguarded. I write this way in both of my daily columns. I am known for having an opinion and my decision to write this article is based on the perception by Tal and her team that I am not telling the truth. The truth is that there was no misunderstanding Tal’s unprofessionalism.
My goal is not to hurt anyone, only to defend myself. I am not comfortable with the thought of these people thinking I have lied, made things up, or written something sensational. I am a writer of my truth, and in this case, of Tal’s truth. I don’t want to cause problems and I would not have written at all had my professionalism not been called into question. Should there be continuing issue I will simply play the audiotape of the interview.
I am not a fan of Alexis on The Real Housewives of Orange County. I am a fan of the way she holds her faith close and is not afraid to talk about it. I went to meet these women to talk about whether faith plays a role in their partnership, but I never got that question answered. I did learn that Alexis is lovely and her husband loves her. I also got clarity that when it comes to my voice, writing, and ethics, I can only rely on myself to keep it real.
August 25, 2013 | 6:16 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Typos are generously sponsored by Grey Goose.
It is time to celebrate Melissa’s birthday with a spa trip for the whole gang to Arizona. For the love of God. As if all these people would go on this trip if it were not scripted and paid for by Bravo. It is a big crock, but I am into it. I love watching this group. Maybe it is because they are family, maybe it is because they are not that bright, maybe it is because I am drinking. No matter why we watch, we do, and it is fabulous.
Kathy has gone to visit Teresa so Tre can clarify that she proved herself to be innocent to Melissa about the rumors of her cheating. Poor Kathy. Bravo needs to write these useless little visits in order for her to get screen time. She brings nothing to the table and her husband gives me a lower back pain. He is offensive and disgusting. I know he will annoy me so I am pouring my first drink now.
Melissa and Joe are getting ready for the trip and Melissa says she wishes they were going alone. Duh. Joe is talking about Penny clearing the air for Teresa at the party last week and it is stupid. Penny got her two minutes on camera, clarified nothing, and we need to move on. I’m not sure why Teresa is so happy it all went down because as far as I can tell, nothing went down. Penny said nothing of value or interest in terms of the rumors.
Everyone is getting ready for Arizona. Rich is being a pig as Kathy clearly wishes he was not coming. Caroline is talking about how nice it will be to get to know her husband in Arizona. Really? They are married 30 years but she needs to get to know him? I wonder what his girlfriend thinks about the trip. Teresa is packing and her daughters are mortified by her bating suits, while Jacqueline uses every chance to milk her children for fame.
Jacqueline is talking about Teresa as that is all she ever talks about. The group has split onto two flights with one group arriving on time, and the second group delayed for hours. Kathy, Rich, Rosie, Teresa, Juicy, Melissa, and Joe have arrived. Melissa is getting sick, or so she wants us to believe. Jac, Chris, Caroline and Albert are delayed and not happy about it. Why they would not all go on the same flight is a mystery to me.
Upon arrival Rich is a pig. He is farting, being loud, obnoxious, and reminding us all why we don’t find him appealing. The spa is gorgeous, Melissa is sick, Juicy is funny, Kathy is embarrassed by her husband. The missing group arrives hours later, but finally there. Albert is not thrilled about time with wife and Rich is crawling on my last nerve just minutes in. We are half way through and I am on my second drink. God bless my liver.
It is time for dinner, the gang is together, a bat is flying around the room, and Albert is going to cook. Jac has a wicked sunburn on her arms so the implication is that this is edited out of order. Bravo is famous for bad editing, but you’d think they would try a little harder. It’s entertaining that we are all so much smarter than they are. That said, we are watching this show so how smart are we really? A physic medium has now arrived.
She is going to talk about the voices of the dead that communicate with her. Oy Vey. The woman is pulling crap out of her ass and it is hilarious. Anyone who watches this show would be a good physic for this group. I am laughing at her. This is embarrassing. Sidebar: I’m liking Melissa with lighter hair and wonder if she got her boobs done again. They appear to be new. Cut to the physic, she is now talking to Rich’s dead dad and Rich is bawling.
She is now talking about Kathy and Rosie’s dad and nailing it. I am freaking out a bit. It makes me cry and while I am skeptical, I want her to come and let me talk to my own dad. Kathy and Rosie are reminiscing about their dad. It is sad and I feel bad because I think it is just a bunch of crap to ingratiate Kathy to us. Touching, but not really working. Talking smack about their dad is lame. Meanwhile Melissa is sick and suffering in silence.
Melissa stays home while everyone else goes on a hike. Teresa is hilarious. She likes everything outdoorsy but can only name hiking and tanning as outdoorsy activities. Too funny. Melissa is sick as a dog, and has never experienced such pain, but she is tanning and drinking. Bless her. The group is doing a cleansing ceremony and Albert says he is not into it, does not believe in it, and will not participate. Caroline defends him. Stupid.
Caroline is releasing worry. Joe is releasing anger and hate. Kathy does not understand the exercise. Jac cries because she realizes after her surgery she still does not have a neck. Teresa calls up Joe, Kathy and Jacqueline, then invites Richie, Caroline and Chris to come up too. She holds hands and tells everyone she is in a good place and wants to move forward with peace and love. It is cute. Yes, I think Teresa is cute.
Teresa and Jac head out for an alone moment and Jac cries. Such crap. I don’t like her or trust her. Teresa says she wants to get along with her and she does not want to cause issues with karma. She is worried karma will skip her and come back to her kids. Jacqueline thinks it is a dig at her and Nicolas. Dear Lord. Teresa Is not bright enough to make a dig that deep and Jac is paranoid because he knows she puts fame before her kids.
Next week will be more healing and Jac talking about nothing but Teresa. Albert will cry, Caroline will get to know him better, Melissa will struggle to get well, and I will be drinking. Even when these people are bad, they are still fun to blog about. I think it is time for them to wrap up and call it a day, but I am in for the season and digging it. On behalf of my liver and Grey Goose, thanks for reading. We will be back next week to keep it real.
August 20, 2013 | 2:21 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I am bored. The show has been on for 30 seconds and I am bored. It was a boring season and that they felt they could drag this crap out for a 3 part reunion is hilarious. By hilarious of course I mean I am drinking to get through. I honestly do not know how people watch this without a drink. It is margarita time. We start with Alexis talking about how big Jim’s penis is, so lets make it a double. I am going to vomit before this hour is up.
They talk about Mexico. It was gross the first time so who cares? They talk about Tamra’s difficult past and since I am not buying it, who cares? I don’t doubt that she had a rough time, but I think she is using it to reinvent herself, make excuses for who she is, and to get a wedding special. I just don’t believe her. I think she might be full of a little bit of crap. By a little bit of course I mean mounds of crap.
Important to note that while Tamra is crying, with no tears, she throws her kid under the bus and says he struggles with depression. I think that is shitty. Her kids have been through enough without her talking about them publicly. Gretchen pipes in that she encourages Tamra to keep talking about it, and I am laughing. Gretchen is an idiot. She is a fame whore and I think she is hideous. I also think she is kind of a whore whore.
Andy is seriously trying to create something out of nothing and it is almost funny. Gretchen looks horrible and her face is painted on. Sadly paint does not seem to stick properly to Botox. Gretchen says she was not bothered by watching Jo and Slade make out. Really? The only way that does not bother her is if she is not a real woman. Wait….. maybe she is telling the truth. Maybe Gretchen is really a man in drag. I would not be surprised.
For the love of God, they are talking about Malibu Country again. Nobody watched that show, which is why it was cancelled, so why this is a big deal I have no idea. Gretchen is talking nonsense about Alexis, and Tamra, and Heather, and Malibu Country, and I want to swallow glass. Gretchen pulls out emails and texts and starts quoting Tamra. The fact is that they all lie, none of them like each other, and this is a paycheck not friendship.
Alexis says nobody likes her and she should just go home, which was funny. Sidebar: I went to an event for Alexis last week and it was interesting. Her publicist invited me and said if I came I could interview Alexis. I’m not really a fan of hers, but I think she is harmless so I agreed to come if I could also interview her fashion design partner Tal. I was told I could so I made the schlep to Orange County because I was curious.
I’m not really sure how to blog about my visit. Tal spent 20 minutes talking trash about Alexis. She threw her under the bus and then when she was under the wheels, she kicked her a few times. She said nothing flattering about her, in fact, she spoke a lot of crap. Alexis has, according to Tal, nothing to do with the line, has no talent or taste when it comes to designing, and Tal does it for the money and exposure, and thinks Alexis is an idiot.
Cut to Alexis, who I will say is absolutely stunning in person, and she was with her husband Jim, who was supportive of her and said he was very proud of his wife. Alexis was lovely and spoke beautifully about her family and her faith. She has not been one of my favorites, but was kind and harmless. She spoke about Tal with compassion and thanks so I don’t really get what goes on between them. I will write about it when I figure it out!
Back to the reunion, they are talking about Malibu Country again. Dear Lord. I want to impale myself so I can pass out from the loss of blood. Heather reminds everyone that she is the only actress, and Gretchen whips out the phone so we can all hear the voice message from Malibu Country offering her the job, the job that only Heather is qualified for, because Heather is the only actress. Did you get that? HEATHER IS AN ACTRESS.
Everyone is now screaming. Gretchen is liar, Heather is ridiculous, Tamra is screeching, Lydia is invisible, Alexis is of no value, and Vicki has never been so quiet for so long in her entire life. Gretchen says she wants to be friends with everyone and Alexis calls her out saying she is friends with who she needs. These chicks do not like each other and don’t even try to lie about it. How can this show continue when there is such hate?
They are talking about Alexis using the word bully and I need for this to be over. Alexis calls Gretchen a liar, Gretchen says Alexis is fake on camera, then everyone tells Gretchen that they think she faked the engagement to Slade for the cameras. It is freaking hilarious. They all say the timing was for TV and it was fake. Gretchen is hurt, then she cries, with no tears and no facial movement. This is insanity and I am having another drink.
We are now forced to listen to Gretchen sing, and watch Slade cry at the good fortune of finding a woman dumb enough to marry him. Gretchen cries, with no tears, at the sight of her fake engagement and I am laughing. She wants a TV special, bless her heart, but we don’t care about her, or Slade, and if Bravo is going to throw any money their way it should be for Grayson's medical bills, not the wedding of a pig to a whore. I’m not going to watch.
The fake crying is just too much. Her face is frozen, Tamra comes over and gives her best constipated face, Heather backtracks, Vicki chimes in, then Gretchen says she was most sad that Alexis was not at her engagement. Then Alexis cries and Gretchen immediately turns off her cry to be mean to Alexis. For the love of God this show needs to go because it sucks ass. That said, I will be back next week doing what they can’t, keeping it real.
August 18, 2013 | 5:42 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Typos this evening are generously sponsored by my friend, Captain Morgan.
We are back in New Jersey and after a painfully boring RHOC reunion, we are happy to be here! We start with the continued peace between Teresa and Melissa. Teresa is building her empire and while still delusional enough to think Melissa is supporting her. Melissa shows Teresa the cover of her book. Teresa, like all of us, does not understand why she wrote a book about marriage and did not include her husband on the cover. I’m guessing it is because she will soon have another husband and so she can say the same principals apply for the new one.
Rumors of Melissa cheating are flying and she is passive aggressive in how she talks about it with Teresa. She continues to blame Teresa for everything. No matter how much glitter you put on a band-aid, it is still going to hurt like a mother when you rip it off. We cut to Jac who is back after her plastic surgery. She had a tummy tuck, using the extra skin removed from her gut to build herself a neck. Medicine these days really is amazing. Jac has a truly remarkable reunion with her youngest son, then uses the personal moment to forward her own agenda to get sympathy.
Jac is hideous, but not nearly as gross as Kathy and Richie. They are shopping and I am not paying attention. Without watching it that closely I can tell you that Kathy is mortified by him, he says something ridiculous and humiliates himself and her. End of scene. Each time this couple is on the show it is the same scene and there truly is no need to watch. Cut to Richie, Joe and Chris out for a cigar. Rich is a pig, Joe is a pig, Chris has had a lobotomy of some kind, and rather than take Melissa out for a romantic celebration of her birthday, Joe invites everyone to go with them.
Is there a chapter in Melissa’s book that says the best way to stay married is to not spend time alone with your husband? She is full of shit, their marriage is not nearly as great as they want us to think it is, and Rich needs to get the hell off my TV. He is offensive to not only his family, but to all of us watching. Over to Caroline and Albert, we are continuing to watch their marriage fall apart. She clearly loves him, he clearly cannot stand her, and the kids see it too. It is embarrassing for her and I feel bad. Caroline needs to not air her dirty laundry anymore.
Lauren is out with Vito and she is just not that into him. She adored him when she thought he was all she could get, but now she thinks she can get someone better so he is not appealing. She says she is into her work, which translates to her wanting to skank around. She does not want to get married, he wants to move in with her, she is not into that either. I feel bad for Vito. He should run for the hills away from that one. Sidebar: Is it just me or does Joe Gorga sound like Emeril Lagasse? I kept expecting him to shout “BAM”. This show is boring. I need another drink.
Joe tells Melissa he has invited everyone on her birthday trip. She is okay with it, but not when it comes to Teresa and Juicy. She wants peace? Right. The gang is out smoking hookah, which is gross. Jac comes, without Chris, which is just weird. Get a babysitter so your husband can come after you just left him alone for a week to get your neck re-built. Jac is a selfish bitch and unless she needs Chris to set up a scene about how hard her life is taking care of her children, he is of no use to her. Everyone agrees to the trip and to celebrat, Melissa dances for money.
Teresa is launching Milania Hair Care and calls Melissa to tell her Jan and Penny, the people spreading rumors about her, will be there. Teresa lets Melissa know she has her back and she will support her. She will choose family over friends and wants her to not only prepare, but not be afraid. Good for her. Melissa and Joe are talking shit in front of their kids again and it bothers me. They all do it and it is just wrong. They know it is wrong but still do it. Fame trumps their kid’s wellbeing and I think it is shameful. The party should be interesting and Joe says he will go.
Caroline and Kathy are comparing husbands and I cannot get past Caroline’s hair. Kathy is taking marital advice from Caroline, which is interesting since Caroline has no idea who her husband is. It is the blind leading the blind, or in this case, dumb leading dumb. Kathy has had enough of Richie controlling her and she is going to put her foot down. Good luck with that. Enough of that crap, Milania is on and this kid needs her own show. I FREAKING LOVE HER. She is wearing a stuffed bra so she can look like an adult and it is hilarious. I want to hang out with her.
They cut back and forth between Teresa and Melissa, who are both getting ready for the party. Melissa has a fake friend to talk to since she has lost her real friends, and Teresa is talking to Kim D. Oy vey. No good can come of this. Kathy stands up to Rich but I was throwing out the trash and missed it. We are at the launch party and the masses are arrived. Penny arrives with my pal Will Love, shout out to you my friend! Jan arrives and Melissa is visibly shaken at the sight of her. Kim D. is stirring the pot, Jan is grasping 15 minutes, and it might get ugly.
Melissa is on the defensive, Teresa is trying to clear her name, Jan is a loser, and Penny is there for a scripted piece of crap. Who cares? Did Melissa cheat? If she did, Joe has forgiven her, and if she didn’t, she should be thankful the accusations are there because they are only thing driving her story line. If people were not interested in her marriage she would not have any screen time or a book deal. Melissa is certain Penny is someone’s puppet and when she asks her point blank who involved her in the drama, Penny says Teresa had nothing to do with it.
Melissa tells Teresa she can leave and she will handle it with Joe. Teresa is hanging around and Melissa and Joe think she looks guilty in her objections. The big fight is nothing but a bunch of bitches yapping. Next week they go away for Melissa’s birthday. Maybe that will be interesting. This show is desperately trying to engage us but keeps missing the mark. I will keep watching of course, party because it is my job, but also because I think it is good TV. My patience will grow thin, I will complain about having to watch, but I will because in the end I love it, and I blog it because I am paid to keep it real.
August 12, 2013 | 5:42 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Tonight's typos are sposored by Grey Goose.
The absolute best thing about the Housewives franchise is the reunion. Hooray. Here we go! The ladies look pretty, nervous, and have come to the gate ready to run. We start with Vicki saying she is still not divorced from Donn. I think that is lame. She is all over TV claiming love for someone else, so she could call it a day with Donn and move on. Money or not. In the interest of full disclosure, let me share the following: Tamra can’t pick sides, Alexis is oddly sweet, Vicki is a hot mess, Lydia is perfect television, Heather is an ACTRESS, and Gretchen is a skank. I have picked sides, am not afraid to say it, and the reunion will help set it all straight. These women don’t like each other and it really shows.
The ladies are hashing out the Mexico trip and Vicki, Tamra and Lydia blowing off Gretchen and Heather. I would have dumped those two deadweights too. Gretchen is calling Tamra two-faced, Tamra is denying it, and saying she does the same. Gretchen seems to forget that we have been watching her all season and she is a liar and an epic loser.
Lauri will be joining and I could not care any less. Lauri is a whore and she never should have been brought back. She is desperate for money and Bravo dumping her caved in face on us was not cool. They show clips of Gretchen and Jeff and it is sad. That poor man. He was made a fool of while he was dying and it is shameful. I wonder is Gretchen sees Jeff’s kids.
Gretchen denies cheating on Jeff. I call bullshit. Lydia tries to loop in Alexis but she does not want to join in. Guilty. Alexis admits she saw whorebag with another guy when Jeff was drying. So gross. Good for Alexis that she has found her balls. I hope she hangs onto them for the entire reunion. Gretchen does not want to talk about it. Dumbass.
Tamra is there to fight. Love it. Of course she sits on both sides of the fence so it’s not that big a deal, but still, she is not into Gretchen, has sided with Vicki, and she wants Gretchen to go down. Bravo. Vicki is called out for using the C word, denies it, but Tamra says she did. They are all lying. Why are we watching this? They are all lying their asses off.
Vicki is trying to be nice and kumbaya but she is full of crap. Gretchen will not admit she cheated. Who cares? She’s a whore, and an idiot, and she cheated. Move on already. I was excited about a 3 part reunion but if this is what we are going to get I will lose interest in about 10 more minutes. For the love of God, why does Bravo insist on torturing her fans?
Lydia is getting ripped apart but holding her own. They are talking about Heather being in the magazine and Andy is trying to start trouble. So great. Heather is offended she was not big enough to be on the cover. She is an actress after all. The ONLY actress out of all the housewives in all the cities. Heather must have her period because she is being a bitch.
Heather and Lydia are not friends. Heather is a little jealous of the new girl. Bless her. I’m not into Heather. She is pretentious. I think it is funny that Lydia does not mind what people think she is an airhead, because she isn’t. bless her. She kind of is. Not is a dumb way, but ion a naïve way. She is playing with the big girls now and holding her own just fine.
The reunion should not have been spread out over 3 parts. It is lame and 2 hours would have been plenty. We are 40 minutes in and I might be done. How am I supposed to stay interested in the dragged out crapfest for 3 weeks. How? With vodka. On behalf of my liver I would like to tell Bravo to go to hell. Damn me for loving this garbage so much Damn it!
Lauri is here. I cannot stand event he sight of this woman. Her face has caved in with so much surgery. She is a liar. This woman is disgusting and the truth will come out about her. I can’t wait. If George’s ex-wife is reading, lets talk. I’m all about setting this woman straight. She is a malicious and vicious liar and I am not buying her crap. Not one word.
Lauri thinks Vicki was trying to ruin her marriage. Whatever. Gretchen is trying to make it about her. Whatever. They are talking about things that are years old. Why are we here? Where is my drink? Waiter? I really need a waiter in my home on nights I blog reality TV. Lauri is a fame whore and she needs to be cut loose by Bravo once and for all. For real.
Tamra is a bitch. She is supposed to be on Vicki’s side, but continues to not only throw her under the bus, but kick here when she under there. These women should be embarrassed. They are seriously in need of a reality check and this show needs to not come back. Orange County has run its course and they need to move locations or get new ladies already. I’m bored.
If Lauri is back fro week two then I think I might have to pass. She is a loser, not a housewife, and wasting my time. Vicki wins tonight as far as I’m concerned. Next week we’ll get crying and make up running, which is always fun. I will watch next week, but no guarantee I will blog. At some point not even vodka can help me get through it. Sad, but keeping it real.
August 11, 2013 | 6:09 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Tonight's typos are sponsored by Grey Goose.
I love blogging the Real Housewives of New Jersey. They are entertaining and even when the storyline is dark and upsetting, they are still good TV. Usually. I have interviewed them, interacted with them on Twitter, made them laugh, and pissed them off. They are a fun group if nothing else. There are a lot of celebrities from New Jersey. I don’t think of the Real Housewives participants as celebrities, as much as women who are enjoying some celebrity. They are pop culture phenomenons, especially the Jersey girls, but today they were trumped when I encountered a real NJ Celebrity.
I received a Tweet from Governor Chris Christie today and it was amazing. Not only did he Tweet, but when I responded, so did he. I love this guy. If he were not married, Jewish, and a Democrat, I would totally want to marry him. I’ve only been to Jersey once but I love her and her people. To Governor Christie, you are a remarkable man and have made me care about your state and her people. You are kind, smart, and generous of spirit to those you know, and those you will never meet. To my Twitter follower @allabouttrhwfan, you are the heart of New Jersey and I love you. Stay strong.
Enough with the lovefest for the divine Mr. Christie, it is time for the ladies of New Jersey. We pick up this week at the meeting of Jac and Teresa. Teresa is asking Jac to explain herself, but Jac is struggling, clearly because she is medicated. She didn’t even order a drink, a clear sign she is on meds. She is always drinking, so for her to pass, is interesting. Jac is crying about how hard her life is taking care of her son. I mean no disrespect but come on. The camera keeps going back and forth between Jac and Tre, and Juicy and Chris. The men are mature, the women not.
I always get called out for loving Teresa, but seriously people, Tre is trying and Jac is disgusting. They agree to be civil, go to see the men, then Jac has a drink having clearly forgotten she popped some Vicodin earlier. Jac apologizes to Juicy, who could not care any less. We head over to Christopher, Chris, and Albie, who are still talking about Blk., which nobody drinks. Chris is worried the boys will focus on the restaurant, and not Blk. Dear Lord. They need to walk away from the ass juice and focus on the restaurant. Or maybe just get real jobs.
Kathy is shopping with Jac, the only way for her to get camera time, and Jac tells her she is having a tummy tuck in Beverly Hills. I am sick of everyone talking about how hard Jac’s life is. If she lived in a small apartment and didn’t have a husband I’d perhaps be more sympathetic. She’s spoiled. Jac says she is also having a neck lift. Is that code for neck installation? The woman has no neck, just a head on shoulders, so a neck lift is a waste of money. Back to Tre, Joe is there to pick up Gia. The mending of this family is sweet and it makes me happy. Hope is keeps.
Gia and Joe are having a great time together, but we watch a lot of time filler before we get to the chat. Joe is adorable, Gia is almost as tall as he is, and I feel bad for her as she is clearly a little uncomfortable. Gia is stunning and wise beyond her years. I love this young woman, who is articulate and defending her mother while Joe tells her she should not listen to others talking crap about him. Really? He is in over his head and not sure how to respond to Gia’s honesty. In the end he is lovely, Gia is wonderful, and I am crying. Damn this show!
Everyone is going to Teresa’s house and they are travelling by bus to a fundraising event. When I say everyone, I mean everyone. It is very sweet. Kathy is mumbling but I zone her out. I don’t get why everyone has kids there but CJ is not. She says he needs special time, but he’s not there. Teresa can’t let go of being called a sociopath, so she Googles the meaning, but does not really respond so I’m not sure she understood the meaning. Bless her. Milania climbs the stripper pole on the bus and calls herself Melissa. When they are getting along this is an awesome group.
Everyone is doing Zumba and it is hilarious. Jac doesn’t want to do it because she “can’t dance”. Translation: She is a sloth who does not move quickly. I am amazed by the amount of makeup. Lashes for Zumba? Really? Jac is annoying, fake, and dumb. For reasons I do not understand, Caroline is having a farewell dinner party for Greg because he is moving to San Francisco. Who even remembers this guy, and why is she crying like a crazy person? Everyone was invited but Tre and Joe. Enough about Greg, they are talking about Jac’s surgery.
Jac is told by the doctor not to drink, so she has shots of tequila. She is with her daughter and parents, and acting like an idiot. I mean acting like herself, an idiot. Back is Jersey, CJ is sick and Chris calls Caroline over to help him. Jac’s dad talking about her surgery is disturbing. Ugh. Jac is in surgery and even her doctor thinks Jac is trying to look like Ashley. Jac is in full makeup in the recovery room. Hilarious. Next week looks like it will be good. The truth is that even when bad, it is good. My name is Ilana and I am addicted to RHONJ. Blogging and keeping it real