January 11, 2012 | 11:11 pm

The Bachelor RECAP

Posted by Ilana Angel

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Before we get started let me just vent on a couple of things.  1) It totally pisses me off when Ben sys he planned his dates.  He planned nothing.  He is a puppet, as he should be, and we know he is going with the flow.  2) That these chicks are crying so much and proclaiming their love for Ben makes me laugh.  By laugh of course it mean I think they are all demented.

We are in Sonoma as Ben is spending a few days with the chicks in the town he calls home.  He’s sweet and I think I really like him, but when he talks I start fantasizing about cutting his hair.  It looks dirty.  Wash your hair Ben. It’s what your dad would have wanted.  The first date card goes to Kacie B. and the claws are coming out.

Ben and Kacie go on a walk through town and they are cute, young and for the next hour, madly in love.  It’s a little sugary for me and these two together give me a cavity.  As they twirl a baton down Main Street, and Ben proclaims to be man enough to do it.  I have to laugh because it’s clearly 3 am, there is nobody watching, and nobody cares.

Ben talks in slow motion.  Probably because his hair is so long it blocks his hearing so there is a delay.  He gives a rose to Kacie and she is safe because he can really see her living there with him.  This is vomit inducing, yet I cannot seem to get enough of it.  They are falling in television love while back at the house the bitches are scheming.

Ben and Kacie go to a movie theater and they show a video montage of the two of them growing up.  Ben sees himself as a child with his dad and while I openly love to hate this show, I am now crying.  I love Ben, I love his dad, I miss my own dad, I want them to live happily ever after.  The Bachelor is the best worst reality show ever.

It’s time for the group date and these eleven chicks are a seriously crazy bunch.  They are going to put on a play that has been written by a group of kids.  They need to “audition” for a part and the public humiliation is fantastic.  What these chicks will do to get one more night in the harem is shocking.  We can clearly separate the fame whores from the nice girls.

I could write about Blakeley and her boobs but there is no point.  She makes me want to cut myself with a shard of glass.  She’s disgusting.  Back at the house Courtney is being a horrible witch to the other girls. She has a deformed mouth of some kind and really strange eyebrows.  She is a loon and I don’t find her at all interesting.

They are rehearsing the play and I’m bored.  It’s just silly but anytime we see Jenna is fun so it’s worth it for those glimpses.  Listening to the girls talk about how nervous they are because the audience is expecting a serious show from real actors is making me want to bang my head against the wall. If not for my wine I would have a concussion right now.

I’m not sure if anything funny happened during the play because I skipped over it.  I also want to once again mention that Chris Harrison is not needed on this show.  He does nothing and there is simply no need.  It’s cocktail and hot tub time. Blakeley’s teeth are too big and I think she looks like that Saved By the Bell chick who did Striptease.

Important to note, Blakeley will have to split her fifteen minutes of fame with her boobs, which is good and means we’ll only have to deal with 5 minutes.  Samantha goes off to hide in the bathroom and is comforted by a couple of the other girls while sitting on the toilet.  Classy.  She’s pissed that Blakeley is such a bitch.  Whatever.

Back at the house Courtney gets the next one on one date and she gloats, fake laughs, and stabs a knife into the other girl’s hearts.  Just a jab, but still enough to hurt. On the group date the girls are all over Ben in the pool and it’s so dirty.  Jennifer is falling for him and totally makes out with him in the hot tub.  She’s cute.  Too bad.

They have absolutely no chemistry and so it looks gross.  The girls all think Jennifer will get the rose since she rocked it in the play, and when Blakeley hears that she goes back for more one on one with Ben and makes out with him.  Everyone is watching them from the bushes and poor Jennifer is crushed.  I feel sad for her. She’s a little dumb.

Ben gives out the one rose of the night and it goes to the whore bag.  I mean Blakeley.  Jennifer is crying because she wants to fall in love and I want to hug her and tell her she is too pretty and sweet to be on this show. Everyone thinks Blakeley is a bitch, and possibly a man. When she rejoins the group they all get up and leave.  Hilarious.

Ben takes his dog and goes to pick up Courtney for their date.  He thinks she’s gorgeous but she’s odd looking.  He is gushing all over her, which is cute, but pathetic.  Her outfit is ugly and her saying she never dates is ridiculous. She is a fame whore and no matter how much Ben tries to talk himself into this one, he family will veto it.

I just noticed that she has a slightly protruding forehead and her eyes cross a little when she tries to think.  She can’t be trusted.  She’s bored at their dinner and is thinking about fame not Ben.  She probably idolizes Kim Kardashian.  Next. I’m skipping over the rest of their date before I jump out the window just to make it stop.

It’s time for the cocktail; party and Ben wants to spend time with the girls who didn’t get a date this week.  He hangs with Lindzi who got the first impression rose and it’s a little awkward.  They have not spoken since she made such a good impression.  She’s a little horse obsessed and so while the dimple is awesome, she is boring and won’t last.

Ben then goes off with Samantha who had a mini breakdown on the group date.  She is telling him she is normal when Blakeley walks in and breaks up their time for more one on one time, which the girls think is selfish because she already has a rose.  It’s a competition girls, not a make out with the same guy and get new friends show.  Losers.

Blakeley goes to talk to Ben again and he blows her off.  We’re not told why but I imagine it’s because he needed to go to the bathroom.  The girls now all officially hate Blakeley and think she is a whore. Ben returns and asks Jenna for alone time.  She is a freaking mess and that she blogs about finding love is brilliant.  He is clearly repulsed by her.

She makes weird movements with her mouth and to secure her fate, she tells Ben she thinks she is not only a man, but not a good girl.  She is mumbling, making no sense, and appears to be having a brain malfunction of some kind.  I don’t even think she is drunk.  She has cemented her spot as a reality TV train wreck and I have loved every minute.

I didn’t bother with Blakely and her fake and scripted luggage room chat with Ben because I’ve wasted too much time on her and her whoring ways. I’m jumping to the rose ceremony where my beloved Jenna is sent home, along with some girl in a red dress whose name I can’t remember.  As loyal viewers they should have given us one more week of Jenna.

Jenna is crying and feels sick.  She is in shock and cannot believe this is happening.  She asks the cameraman if he is kidding her.  She is mortified! She deserves love and has been searching for it!  Damn you Bachelor!  She was the best part of this show and I am shocked.  Mortified!  I must blog about this now!  Time to keep it real!

January 11, 2012 | 10:30 am

Real Housewives of Atlanta RECAP

Posted by Ilana Angel

I’m a little late with this recap because there was so much reality television to talk about I fell behind, but also because this week in Atlanta was a little boring and I couldn’t quite get into the racap.  There are weeks when the entire hour is jam packed with good stuff, and some that just drag.

We start with Phaedra and Aiden talking to Phaedra’s mom.  Let’s just stop for a minute and say this child is gorgeous.  He really is beautiful and I want to just smoosh him.  Phaedra is excited about opening her own funeral parlor and having it be a family affair and legacy she can leave her son.

Grandma wants to minister to those who have lost a loved one and Phaedra wants to make “funerals worth dying for”.  They are really a fun family and I like all of them.  Phaedra and her mom are laughing at one point and so Aiden starts laughing and leans in to give his grandma a high five.  Cute!

Apollo is not into the whole funeral idea so they decide Phaedra will take him to Willie’s so he can see how fabulous it is.  Meanwhile over with Cynthia, the strains of her marriage are getting stronger.  Cynthia is upset and Peter is pissed.  They go to a dance class whish is beyond stupid.

Why would you go to a salsa class, where you need to touch each other and be in sync, when you can’t even talk to each other? I think Cynthia is really beautiful but simply not that bright, and Peter is a man who has given up on his marriage and could care less about trying to save it.

Peter is frustrated they have not had a date in a year, and Cynthia is pissed off he left her agency opening without telling her.  Cynthia thinks they don’t communicate well and no matter what she says, he disagrees.  He’s got a huge chip on his shoulder and it is very unattractive.

It’s sad because she is trying to make things better and he is telling her she can get out the marriage if it’s not what she wants, because he is not changing and he is happy with who he is.  I think he is handsome but just don’t get the appeal of this man.  He is dragging her down.

Kim is still setting up her new house and she is so pretentious and over the top that I just don’t think she is fun or cute anymore.  They are setting out her china on the table, which I don’t get.  Is it just so people can see it?  It’s gorgeous to be sure but what’s the point of having it all out?

Her older daughter Brielle is a teenager, and clearly struggling with the changes in her life.  Kim is mean to her in my opinion.  I get that she is being a pill, but where is the compassion?  Maybe they are saving it all for her new show, but this makes me not want to watch it.

Kandi is at Jo Dee Messina’s house to work on a song.  It’s sweet because while Kandi is very accomplished, she is nervous.  I don’t get Kandi doing country, but bless her for trying.  She is trying to be respectful of Jo Dee but you know she wants to speak up with her opinions.

The song is good and I think Kandi is a class act when it comes to her music career.  Not sure dildos are a class act, but when it comes to music, she’s classy.  We skip over to Ms. NeNe who is having lunch with Marlo who I still think is a man.  NeNe is my favorite and always will be.

Marlo and NeNe both look pretty.  NeNe assures her she did not mess around with Marlo’s boyfriends Charles.  They decide to ignore all the rumors and just be friends.  Then Marlo lets Nene know she hopes they real can still be friends even though she’s been arrested.

Not just arrested mind you, but arrested seven times. She even spent 6 months is county jail.  It’s an interesting story for someone who is considered a powerful socialite.  NeNe could care less and changes the subject from jail to shoes.  Who exactly labeled Marlo a socialite?

Sheree goes to Kim’s house to help her work out.  These women are not friends and this is a lame way to keep Kim included before her own show.  She complains about her kids, whines about her life, and I’m not buying it.  Just keep her out of this show already.

Apollo goes with Phaedra to see Willie, the funeral king.  He is grossed out, Phaedra is excited, and we go on a tour of the funeral parlor.  I could not do this job.  Thank God people are cut out for this work because we need them, but I’m not ever working in the funeral business.

Marlo is part of a charity event and she invites NeNe.  Is Marlo going to be the new housewife?  She looks beautiful and bless her for creating a good life for herself, but I don’t find her to be interesting.  She needs to go a little nuts to secure her spot if you ask me.

The event is about going green and Nene is hilarious.  She could care less, or even understand it, but she plays the game, plays interested, and bails. It’s too bad so many people are hating on NeNe.  She makes the show for me. If she is in a scene I am loving it and ithout her I’m bored.

Important to note that when a woman shows some earrings to NeNe, she tells her they are inspired by the Dalai Lama, and when NeNe does not seem to know who it is, Marlo let’s her know he’s the Italian.  Socialite?  Right.  NeNe books out of there.  I love me some NeNe.

Apollo goes to see Phaedra and tells her he does not want to work with dead people because it’s messing with souls.  I love this guy.  He wants to make his wife happy and it’s sweet, but he’s not into the whole dead people part.  Guess what Apollo, that’s what it’s all about baby.

Phaedra is excited to watch he husband lug around dead bodies and put them where they need to be and Apollo tells her he is not touching any dead bodies.  It’s hilarious.  Their marriage is solid, unlike Peter and Cynthia who are having a therapy session with their Pastor.

Cynthia is explaining they need communication, and Peter is fighting her on it. The Pastor is trying to help, but it’s just not happening.  They sound like spoiled brats and it’s stupid.  She calls him a dinosaur, he gets offended, and nothing about this couple makes for good television.

Cynthia is sucking the joy out of this show.  The storyline is dragging, I’m bored and I just want it to be over.  Cynthia tells Peter why she loves him, but he can’t do the same for her.  I’m surprised the Pastor does not look at Cynthia and tell her it’s hopeless and she should get out.

This show was a lot more fun when NeNe was in it more and nobody will change my mind on that.  I’m watching, and I like it, but I used to love it so it’s harder to blog about it now.  I’ll stick it out, hoping they get the magic back.  Atlanta needs a little more NeNe if they want to keep it real.

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January 11, 2012 | 2:36 am

Dance Moms Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

Oh. My. God.  This show is insane and I cannot believe that these mothers would want to be on this train wreck.  I had heard so much about it, and another blogger on Twitter told me I needed to watch.  (Ima gonna get you back Ima!)  Well I watched it, and I imagine I will ever watch it again.  By never of course I mean it is programmed into my TIVO.

Abby Lee, the woman who owns the dance studio,  is a crazy person.  I get that she produces champions, but at what price?  She is mean, abrasive, and on some kind of a weird power trip.  The way she talks to these children and their mothers is mindboggling.  She is hurtful and clearly has no kids because she does not know how to behave in front of children.

The show starts with Abby telling the girls the season is starting and they need to be focused.  One girl is there without her mother and Abby goes off.  She tells this little girl that her mothers needs to care about her and her dancing for this to work.  Reality television is making me want to hit people that I don’t even know because Abby needs a smack.

I’m not even sure what she does for these kids, other than yell at them, disrespect their mothers, and make them feel bad about themselves.  She does not choreograph, does not look like she has a dance history herself, and really is quite mean.  I know what tough love is and this is not it.  This is I will kick your ass if you don’t listen to me kind of love.

These are really young kids and that they are under this much pressure is sad.  That the mothers are so obsessed with fame for their daughters and themselves that they permit this behavior is crazy.  That they allow it to be filmed is truly horrific.  Abby Lee talks to them in a way that I do not understand.  Who puts up with this crap from anyone?

One mother works and cannot make it to a practice and Abby tells the mother her daughter is stupid and she needs to be at practices.  Apparently the kids cannot be good dancers unless their moms are sitting in a waiting room talking to each other and not even watching the kids. If anyone told me my kid was dumb I would deck them.  No questions asked.

Abby decides to have an open casting call for one more dancer to join the championship team.  There are hundreds of kids with their parents and you can smell the desperation.  There is one girl who has been dancing at the studio for 4 years and her mom is pissed she needs to audition at all and thinks her daughter should just get the spot as she’s paid her dues.

This woman is making the kids line up like they are going to slaughter and cuts them from the team.  She picks a beautiful little who is 8, but wears makeup and dance outfits that make you wonder how many pedophiles are watching.  The new mother is so excited for her and I can’t really buy into it because I am focused on the fact that her face appears to be frozen.

The mom with the kid who has been there forever goes off on Abby.  Abby tells her the girl is too tall but Mom is not backing down.  Abby suggests if the girl wants a spot on the team, the mother should but her in half so she is shorter.  This woman should not be working with children.  She should be a prison warden.  These kids need to get some support and get out.

The girl that has a working mother gets told by Abby that she wants no trouble with her mom.  Really?  She is sucking the little girl into her bitch fest and trying to put the mother against the child.  I don’t care how many championships she has, these women need to find another dance school for their kids.  Who puts their children into this type of environment?

The established moms are fighting with the new mom and it’s shameful.  The kids are more mature than the crazy stage moms.  They are more competitive than the girls and there is an underlying mean girl that you know will make them snap at any minute.  One of the teenage dancers wants to leave early for a football game, and Abby won’t let her go.

She yells at her and makes her cry.  The mother is watching her cry, yet does not go out to help her.  Make my kid cry and I am kicking your ass.  She eventually gets her kid and takes her out to the go the game.  Abby is rambling about how she is a bad mother and I wonder why she is letting a woman with no kids judge her on what kind of mother she is.

The bus is there to take them to the competition and there is a snowstorm. (The show is shot in Pittsburgh.)  The working mom comes to see her daughter off on the bus and it’s sad.  She clearly struggles with her choices, but supports her family and does the best she can.  She goes out in the snow to tell Abby she is not going on the trip and Abby is disgusting.

She shuts her window and leaves the mother to talk to her through a closed window in the snow, I would have pulled my kid off of that bus.  Where are the balls on these women?  On the bus, the new mom gives Abby a present and all the other mothers clearly hate her now.  They hated her from the beginning, but now hate and jealously are colliding.

The competition happens and the girls all do great.  They look so little to me that the competition and coaching become even more offensive. The dance outfits on these little girls are horrible.  They are trying to make them look like women and it is very upsetting.  They are only children and they should look like children not drag queens. Who thinks this is okay?

One little girl wins a ribbon and says she did not want to let her fans down. Really?  Another little girls starts to cry because she is on probation as the new girl, and gets yelled at that she is acting like a baby.  She’s a child moron.  Why can’t kids cry?  Who is this woman? That this show make it to a second season is sad for humanity.

It’s time for the group dance and the girls are dressed as dolls and dancing to a song called “I’m a sexy girl.”  THEY ARE CHILDREN and this is not okay. They win first place yet Abby is screaming at them that they suck.  The girls look miserable, the moms look bitter, and Abby looks like a loser.  Everyone is yelling at each other IN FRONT OF THE CHILDREN.

I’m not sure if I will watch Dance Moms again, but I am absolutely certain I will not blog about it again.  These mothers are pathetic, Abby Lee is a tyrant, and these little girls have a 50/50 shot of making a living on a pole just so they can dance while getting away from their mothers.  This show is a big, hot, disgusting heap of not keeping it real.

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January 9, 2012 | 11:40 pm

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills Crapfest

Posted by Ilana Angel

It’s Monday night, which means I am sitting down with a bottle of wine because that is the only way I can get through this show.  I love it so much and really want to just relax and enjoy it, but the fact is Kyle and Taylor are sucking the joy out of this show and making me want to hit people.

We pick up in Hawaii where Kim and Ken have finally arrived to join the group.  They were apparently 36 hours late to the party and its clear to see why.  She is wasted, so is her boyfriend, and it’s all quite sad.  By sad of course I mean one bottle won’t be enough to get me though.

Adrienne and Paul are out for a hike and Adrienne tells the camera it’s been years since they held hands.  Not buying it.  They probably never held hands. I don’t get this couple.  They are boring to us so they must bore the crap out of each other.  I could not possibly care less about them.

Kim checks into the room next to Kyle who is eavesdropping on them while Mauricio hangs out without his shirt on.  Clearly Bravo realizes Kyle is not good television and is using her hot husband to create interest in a fame seeking mean girl.

Sidebar:  I think Kyle is desperate to be famous and realizes that this show may be her last chance.  She hung onto Paris for fame and when that didn’t work out, she decided selling her sister down the river would be the way to go.  I loved her in the beginning but now, not so much.

It’s time for a group birthday dinner and everyone heads out.  Lisa and Ken look fabulous and Brandi is once again giving me ass envy.  Who has a bum like that for real?  Bitch.  They all go to dinner, with only Kim and Ken running late.  Dinner promises to be a train wreck.

Kim and Ken turn up and not 5 seconds after her arrival, Kyle starts pushing her sister and causing trouble.  Then Mauricio joins in and they are rude. We all know Kim is taking drugs so I do not understand the need to embarrass her by Kyle and Mauricio.

It’s mean, not classy, and a bucket full of crap.  Everyone is uncomfortable and it’s stupid.  Kyle calls bulls&^* which is such a nice way for a hostess to behave.  Kim is ignoring her, which I love, and you can actually see Kyle’s mind racing to figure out a way steal the spotlight.

It reminds me of a made for TV movie where two sisters are best friends, then one gets a boyfriend and the other sister sleeps with him to prove she is better than her sister.  Did you follow that?  Kyle is the sister who sleeps with Kim’s boyfriend just to prove she is better.

Dinner is served and rather than enjoy the food and scenery, Kyle blurts out that Taylor called and said she was getting divorced.  Kyle is gross and Kim was quite funny saying Taylor left him so she would get invited to the next dinner.  I laughed out loud at that actually.

Kyle and Lisa claim to be Taylor’s friend yet when everyone trashes her by saying she is fake and will be with Russell again, they don’t say a thing. Don’t write me that this was editing either.  Kyle is a backstabber and that cannot be altered in editing no mater how hard you try.

Paul decides to give a toast and rather than congratulate the birthday boy, he toasts his wife then they exchange an awkward kiss that is nauseating. Adrienne could not be less attracted to him and that he enjoys it is weird. Brandi speculates they are animals in the sack.  Nope.

Everyone is finally enjoying the dinner and Kyle is bitching to Lisa about Kim. It’s just strange.  She cannot seem to stand it when things are going well and I don’t get it.  I understand there is a history between them, but Kyle is simply not as innocent as she’d like us to believe.

Mauricio makes a toast to telling the truth which is lame.  Kim wants to just enjoy the night, but Kyle is pushing for a fight in front of everyone. Mauricio and Kyle are ganging up on Kim and it’s embarrassing.  I felt very bad for Kim and wish Kyle could have been kind.

They are all going out on a boat trip and Kim and Ken are a no show.  Lisa and Kyle go to get them and while Lisa is rather entertaining, Kyle is ridiculous.  Kim is clearly not well and for them to put her in the position to have her pain filmed is as unethical as showing Russell.

Sidebar:  Who wears full make up, chunky jewelry and high heeled shoes on a snorkeling trip on a catamaran?  Give the Beverly Hills pretentiousness a break ladies.  We’re not only not buying it, we think you look like fools.  It’s a boat, heels are stupid, but we are not.

Kyle decides that after going to get Kim, she will leave without her.  They get in the boat and just as Kim and Ken arrive, they have left the dock and Kim and Ken don’t get to go.  This show needs new writers and more Brandi and Camille, because the Richards sisters suck.

Kim and Ken are out for lunch and appear to be speaking Methanese, or Crackbrew, or some other language I don’t speak.  I’d make fun of them but it’s simply too sad.  Back on the boat Kyle has forgotten about her sister, is having a blast, and everyone is coveting Brandi’s body.

Back in LA, Taylor goes to Dana’s house for lunch.  She tells the camera that the “majority” of her friends are in Hawaii. Really?  These fake friends from a TV show are her friends?  Dana is wearing no makeup and looks gorgeous, while Taylor is made up and looks like crap.

Taylor fake cries, and says she has really tried.  Tried to what?  Embarrass her husband and push him so far over the edge that leaving his three kids seems like a better option than dealing with the aftermath of her lies?  I just want to make sure we all understand.

It’s time for a final dinner and I have to say Adrienne’s dress is over the top.  GET A STYLIST.  Kyle’s dress is too big or too small and she keeps fiddling with it and flipping her hair and I want to rip her dress off and give her a robe so she can be comfortable.

Kim is talking to Adrienne and Paul when Ken approaches, is clearly paranoid, and ruins the only nice moment for Kim with any of the other women.  They go to dinner and Kim is once again trying to have a nice time and Kyle is a complete and total bitch.  I am so over it.

Kyle needs to stop picking her teeth with her tongue, flipping her hair, and wearing coral lipstick.  None of it is a good look for her.  Kyle is trying to once again suck the joy out of everything for Kim and attacks her again in front of everyone. Ken and Kim don’t get it why she won’t stop.

Kim and Ken are clearly wasted, but they are not so out of it that they cannot see they are under attack. Kim says Kyle drives while talking on a cell one, and Kyle screams something about a child molester. Then Kyle says she has not hung out with Kim in 12 years.  Really?

Kyle is now digging her own hole, and in an attempt to hurt her sister, it would appear Kim has been high but honest, while Kyle has been not high, buy lying.  I hope Kim is getting help and I hope Kyle realizes we see her, we get it, and we think she sucks.

Kim and Ken leave the dinner and Kyle goes on and on and on about how bad Kim is, and starts with her fake crying.  She wipes away invisible tears and I think it’s funny.  By funny of course I mean the best thing Kim can do for herself is get help and stay away from her very jealous sister.

In addition to ruing this show for me, Kyle also ruined her husband’s birthday. Next week will be a two bottle episode and I may need to get a Xanax from Brandi. I love this show but Dear Lord enough already.  When is Bravo going to start keeping it real?

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January 8, 2012 | 10:39 pm

Mob Wives – Week 2 Recap

Posted by Ilana Angel

This week picks up at Renee’s Birthday / Celebration of Life party and before we even get started, I am sad it’s going to be over in an hour.  I could watch these women all day.  They are fascinating, entertaining, funny, endearing, beautiful and scary as hell.  I love this show.

Important to note it’s not just the ladies that make this show so great. The music is another character, and whoever is picking the soundtrack is a genius.  I look forward to watching like I used to count down to The Soprano’s.  It is my guilty pleasure and I am hooked.

Drita is upset there is so much tension between herself and Karen.  BigAng goes to check on her and Drita tells her she will talk to Karen if Ang gets her.  Karen comes out and Drita is very nice. She is talking calmly and rationally and sincerely wants to make things better with Karen.

I like Drita and think she is a loyal friend.  Karen is a fame seeker who is so aware of the camera and trying look like a hard ass, she ends up looking a little fake.  Drita is saying they are friends, they flashback to Drita saying they were never friends, it’s out of context and total bull.

Karen plays into it and tells the cameras that Drita is lying, meanwhile inside the party Ang is talking to Ramona who I think is a troublemaker.  I think last year nobody knew how the show would turn out, and now that it’s a hit, Ramona is shoving herself in to get a piece of the pie.

BigAng is saying it’s nice they are fixing things, we see Drita trying to make things better, and listen to Ramona trying to sound scary.  Karen and Ramona are Mob Wives wannabes.  They want to be Drita and Renee and it’s never going to happen.  Karen set Drita up and it’s just not cool.

Drita is talking nicely and Karen is just looking for a fight.  Drita is trying to defuse the situation but Karen is pushing for a fight.  You can see Drita start to feel uneasy and you know something bad is going to happen. Ang is hoping for the best, Ramona is willing the worse, and punches fly.

Karen tells Drita she talks herself out of coming to her house to get her, and Drita lets us know if you come to your house she will take a wrench to your throat.  Ramona comes out to desperately get camera time and it’s all over.  The fight is on and it’s difficult to watch.  It’s real hitting!

Derek Tobacco steps in to help Drita.  That was not typo, his name is Derek Tobacco.  I’m dying it’s so good.  Renee is pissed off these girls are ruining her party and heads out to make it end.  Ramona is screaming that her bloody mouth is because Derek hit her and she is pissed off.

Karen is pissed Derek hit Ramona and they are both going to kill him.  Drita is mad at Renee because she feels set up, but Renee is not leaving Drita and wants to help her get out.  Drita is in the car with Renee and Renee wants to know what the hell is going on.  I’m sad for Renee.

Renee is the Queen to me and I am pissed off her party is ruined. Karen is talking crap to Big Ang and playing it up for the cameras which erases her credibility.  Renee is assuring Drita she did not set her up and says she’s rather have celebrated by herself in the hospital.

It’s a big mess and really difficult to watch.  Everyone has their own side of the story and we’ll never know what really went down, but from what I can tell, Drita tried to make peace, Karen can’t let the past go, Renee is the leader, Karen wishes she was Renee, and Ramona is ridiculous.

Derek comes back to the party to let everyone know he never hit Ramona and the fighting starts again.  Junior is there and with an open case with the Feds, he needs to get out.  Sidebar: I just wrote open case with the Feds and it was serious!  I love this show so much.  Seriously love it.

Now the men are all involved and I’m not totally clear on what is happening but I think they are pissed off that Derek hit a woman, although he insists he did not.  Junior is looking to get Derek, Renee is screaming for him to stop, their son AJ is also there, and it’s all quite sad.

Sidebar:  For the mob, being in the wrong place at the wrong time can have a domino effect and many lives are changed.  It’s fascinating to be sure, but I find I have compassion for these women in a way that surprises me.  They are tough because they need to be.

Ang is telling her friend what happened at the party and she is upset her telling Karen to talk to Drita backfired.  Carla is calling everyone to see what happened because she was not invited, yet she can’t reach anyone.  It’s the talk of the town.

Ramona confirms that it was not Derek that hit her, but rather Drita. Everyone is talking about the party and Karen seems to be the only one who does not care that ruined Renee’s party.  I’m not one to pick sides, but come on Karen.  This was all you and admitting it would be a nice thing.

Carla goes over to Drita’s house to hear what happened.  Drita has a banged up eye and feels bad about the party being ruined.  She wishes she had not gone because she put herself in an environment that made her uncomfortable.  Drita is venting and I don’t trust Carla.

Drita feels set up and in terms of hitting Karen or Ramona again, she is going to use a wrench from now on so she doesn’t need to get her hands dirty. Drita cracks me up.  Of course I am laughing with her, not at her.  This girl is hardcore but also sweet. I am scared of her but want to hug her too.

Karen’s dad was a snitch and she is so desperate to not be defined by him that I feel bad for her.  Meanwhile Junior is going to his sentencing and Renee is praying it goes well.  I wish Renee and Junior would get married again.  She clearly loves him and I think they belong together.

Junior cops a plea and it went well.  He will sere 15 to 21 months, but won’t have to go for another 6 months.  Junior and Renee go for a walk and he tells her how scary her surgery was for him. He says he loves her, is in love with her, and wants for them to try to be together again.

I think we’ve reached a point in our relationship of blogger and reader where I can share with you that I cried.  I really like Renee and if Junior makes her happy then I want that for her.  If he stop cheating she’s in, and so they will give it a go.  Good for her, good for him, good for AJ.

This show does not disappoint and following the women on Twitter is cool, especially while the show is airing.  If you have not seen it, I highly recommend that you give it a shot.  It is the most unusual reality show as it may be the only one that is actually keeping it real.

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January 6, 2012 | 4:02 am

A Conversation with Teresa Giudice

Posted by Ilana Angel

A few weeks ago I was working on a deadline, my son was sick, I had not slept, and could feel a cold coming on.  It was an oddly stressful day and for some unknown reason, I found myself thinking about Teresa Giudice from The Real Housewives of New Jersey.  She had four kids, what appeared to be a full yet stressful life, and I wondered how she managed.

My own mother had four kids by the time she was 24 and I am in awe of her, so I figured Teresa, reality television fame aside, was probably a remarkable woman too.  I sent her people an email and asked if Teresa would be available for an interview.  I heard right back saying she would be happy to speak with me, and that is how the interview came to be.

Teresa called while she was out with Audriana.  It was weird to hear Audriana talking to her mom because we were there when she was born, and that feels like it was yesterday.  I was not sure what to expect, which I never do when talking to a housewife, but I was surprised by how much I liked Teresa from the first minute we started talking.

Teresa is stereotyped as a lot of things by a lot of people, so if I were going to stereotype her, I would say she is very “Jewish”.  She is funny, honest, and manages to turn every answer into an opportunity to kvell about her kids. She is menschy and warm and I really liked her. We slipped into an easy conversation and the RHONJ seemed irrelevant.

Teresa loved her experience on Celebrity Apprentice and thinks people will love the show.  She was hesitant to do it at first as she had heard it was a hard and stressful, but upon meeting Mr. Trump she was excited to sign on. She had nothing but wonderful things to say about The Donald, and says now that it was a great time and she loved the experience.

When I asked her about all the buzz surrounding her and Victoria Gotti, she laughed and proudly pointed out that there were a few Italian cast members this season, and that she thought Victoria was great.  I am super excited about Celebrity Apprentice.  It premieres on Sunday, February 12th on NBC and I will be here blogging about it and cheering Teresa on.

We jumped from The Celebrity Apprentice to food.  I mentioned to Teresa that I made her meatballs for my son and I was mortified that he said they were as good as mine.  He actually said they were better but I’m in denial.  I told her how I make mine and she suggested I not mix the meat so much, and also roll them looser so they are airy and don’t get dense.

She told me about the dinner she made on Tuesday night that was so good Gia tweeted about it.  She sautéed chicken breast, added sundried tomatoes, spinach, garlic, and fresh grape tomatoes.  She cut the tomatoes in half, and then squished them a little in the pan so the juices came out and add to the flavor.  Squishing the tomatoes is a great little tip.

Teresa cooks for her family everyday, and on the rare occasions she orders in, it’s usually Chinese food, which is her favorite.  She cooks a lot of food and recently has switched to whole wheat or vegetable pasta as Joe is trying to cut down on carbs because they have a bet going to see who can have the best abs by spring and are both taking it seriously and look great.

The kids don’t like the same dinner two days in a row so they will eat leftovers after school for a snack, then have a new dinner when their activities are done.  The cutest thing is that they appreciate how great of a cook their mom us.  If Teresa wants to order in they insist she cooks instead.  I want to go and have dinner at Teresa’s house.  Everyday.

With a new cookbook coming out and her own line of Bellini drinks called Fabellini being launched, Teresa is more than just a housewife.  She is the breakout star of RHONJ and with that comes a lot of baggage. That’s not coming from Teresa, but from me. Teresa and I spoke for almost an hour and not once did she mention her cast mates or thrown anyone under a bus.

We all know I love the Real Housewives franchise and I blog about it often. By often of course I mean it is my crack and I blog about every episode, of every season, of every city.  (Except for Miami and DC, which was a complete and total waste of our time.)  My blogs are recaps and stay focused on each episode rather than the show as a whole.

I choose to write this way because if I comment on what happened weeks earlier, it becomes a soap opera and loses the reality feel for me.  While Teresa understands this approach, it’s hard for her when people form strong opinions while seemingly forgetting the things that led up to the situations that gave them such strong opinions.  Right or wrong, it’s my style.

She reminded me that if you look back to season one, she was exactly the same as she is now, and she is right.  Through all the ups and downs she has remained the same.  She works hard, does not expect anything to be given to her, and most importantly, if she said anything about anyone, she was willing to say it to their face with or without cameras.

Teresa said that you can’t kill a person and then say you are sorry, which I thought was really interesting.  She went on to say that you really need to think about killing someone before you do because there is no going back. One could interpret this in a million different ways, but for me, it’s just about a girl who has been hurt by someone she desperately loves.

The third season reunion show last year was rough because it took place while they were still shooting season four.  She listened to some of the other women speak unkindly about her, and then had to shoot with them the next day.  It was all made just a little bit harder due to the way Bravo brought her immediate family on as new cast members of the show.

Bravo hired her brother Joe and his wife Melissa before they told Teresa about it.  Now haters will say that’s not true, but remember that Bravo is showing us footage of Russell Armstrong, which proves that their potential to be unethical is quite strong.  Teresa was put in a tough spot but manages to move forward, even under tremendous scrutiny.

Teresa loves her family and we talked about it at great length.  Rather than discuss what was said, I’d rather share my take.  Teresa loves her brother in a profound way.  When he got married she wanted to love his wife like a sister.  She is old school in terms of her family values and I think the rift in her family hurts her heart more than we know.

Her father has been in and out of the hospital with bouts of pneumonia, and does not watch the show.  Her mother watches but does not comment because she loves her children and it’s sad for her. At one point when she was talking about her brother, Teresa asked me if I understood what she was saying.  She wanted me to understand and I truly do.

Important to note that I don’t think she was questioning whether I understood, as much as she was trying to understand herself.  Instead of her brother and sister-in-law being excited for her success, they wanted in for a piece of the pie and we all know no good can come of that.  Envy and jealousy ruin relations all the time and they don’t care if you’re family.

Teresa, in my opinion, is the breakout star of RHONJ.  She is on The Celebrity Apprentice, has a successful series of cook books, a husband who loves her, a mother and father she adores, and four spectacular children. This should be a glorious time for her, and it is, but how sad that there is a cloud over it in terms of the jealousy of others on the show.

We see the parts of her family that Bravo wants us to see and Teresa is correct that in order to fully understand her, we need to look at the history of the show.  That’s not how I blog, but certainly a view I take into consideration when formulating my opinion of Teresa.  At the end of the day, after one hour on the phone, I think Teresa is fabulous.

She loves her kids and openly talks about them.  She is really enjoying spending time with Audriana as the older girls are in school, and it reminds her of when she had just Gia.  All the girls are very girlie and all four of them have very distinct personalities.  She talks about them with tremendous pride and even took time to ask about my child.

Teresa takes motherhood very seriously.  She is raising her four girls to be independent and understand the value of working and making your own money.  They will know how to cook and clean, but also know that they can support themselves and their families in the same way a man can. She is raising strong women and that is a lot of work.

Audriana likes to wear hats.  Teresa has bought her several with big flowers on them and Audriana will wear it all day without taking it off.  Gabriella is a little more conservative that the others, Gia is very feminine, and Milania is opinionated.  Teresa told me when Milania famously said, “Gimme pizza you old troll”, she and Joe could not stop laughing.

Milania also is the only one who will not wear what Teresa picks out for her. Teresa admits she like things perfect and Milania has taught her to let some of that go.  She said Milania will pull out clothes that make no sense in terms of an outfit, but when she puts it on, it ends up looking great.  She compared Milania’s style to Punky Brewster, which is awesome.

Teresa feels blessed.  She loves her fans for supporting her, and is grateful for all the opportunities given to her by the RHONJ.  She loves being a part of the show and always stays positive.  She reads some of the stuff written about her, and enjoys Twitter, but at the end of the day the only opinions that matter to her are those of her parents, husband and children.

I know many are wondering if I asked her about the Jewish comment she made last season, and yes did. Well I didn’t ask her, as much as I told her, just as I blogged months ago, I was not at all offended.  Did Teresa’s Jewish friend say she would leave her husband if he lost everything?  Maybe.  Does she speak on behalf of all Jewish women?  No.

Do all Italians know about meatballs?  No.  Do all Jewish women leave their husbands when they lose all their money?  No.  We need to lighten up. Jewish chicks make reservations and Italian chicks make meatballs.  Jewish men will bring you flowers, but can’t fix the garbage disposal and an Italian man won’t bring you flowers but can remodel you house.  Who cares?

I like to think I know when someone is blowing smoke up my ass.  Well, I may not know when the men I’m dating do ti, but I recognize it other women and I feel confident in saying that Teresa is not like hat.  She understands what her blessings are, appreciates the opportunities she’s been given, and if she has something to say, it’s to your face, and I admire that.

I asked Teresa to give me three words that described her and she chose trustworthy, loyal and fun.  After our chat on the phone my three words to describe Teresa would be talented, authentic, and funny.  I really liked Teresa Giudice.  I suppose some will write she’s not like that at all and that’s okay.  Like Teresa, I will take it with a grain of salt.

I asked Teresa if she reads garbage written about her and was surprised to hear that she does. Of course it’s hard, but It propels her to work harder.  She wants her kids to see her happy and if she allows the stories to hurt her, it’s bad for the kids.  Of course it can be hard, but her kids come first and I ended our talk with a great deal of respect for Teresa.

As a blogger of reality television I am not always kind.  I watch these shows and react to what is shown to me.  It’s entertainment and that is my job.  Speaking with Teresa was a reminder that the people on these shows are real.  I feel bad for some of the things I’ve written and while it won’t change how I blog, it may alter some of my colorful vocabulary.

Love her or hate her, it’s only a TV show and if people set aside the extremes, I imagine most of them would really like Teresa.  I hope she gets a cooking show one day because I will watch it.  Teresa is a nice girl and after all she’s been through as a result of RHONJ, it turns out that of all the women, she is the one that has no problem keeping it real.

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January 3, 2012 | 12:15 pm

The Bachelor is Back with a Whole Lot of Crazy

Posted by Ilana Angel

If Zach Braff and Justin Long had a baby, it would be Bachelor Ben.  He is a sweet man and I wish him well. He was blessed to be dumped by the teeth picking, bang touching Ashley.  I’m just unclear why nobody in his life that cares about him, does not make him get a haircut. I like you Ben, enough to keep it real with you.  Cut your hair.

Not even five minutes in and I’ve got questions.  Does Ben have body hair or did he wax before filming?  Also, why is Chris Harrison on this show?  He truly does nothing, has no facial expressions, and his “I’m listening to you and understand everything you are thinking look” makes him appear to not be listening and simply dumb.

The Women:

Rachel: She is a “Fashion Sales Rep” which probably means she works at Sears.  She is cute but boring and a little too tall for Ben.

Erika: She is a law student, does some lame legal jokes, and actually does a clicking sound which is hilarious.  Her dress is awful.

Amber B: She is Canadian and an embarrassment to my motherland.  Her last name is Bacon, which makes sense because she’s a pig.

Elyse: She is a personal trainer and tells Ben she’ll make him sweat, but does not tell him she is a trainer.  Super dumb.

Jenna – She is a blogger, completely awkward, quotes Ben wrong and is a whole lot of crazy.  Train wreck.  Hooray!

Courtney – She’s a model, say no more.  Okay one thing, she’s gorgeous and has a huge mean girl vibe to her that can’t be trusted.

Sidebar:  Ben’s reaction to the women getting out of the car is really cute and entertaining.  He is giddy with the ones he thinks are pretty and charming with the ones he clearly has no instant chemistry with.  I love this show and I am certain that by the end of it I will be in love with Ben too.  A little disgusted to be sure, but still in love.

Emily: She is getting her PHD and her approach is a little creepy.  She gives Ben hand sanitizer and breath spray, then the first kiss.

Samantha: She is Ms. Pacific Palisades, probably works for her dad, and is a complete dingbat.  Classic airhead contestant.

Casey S: She is a trading clerk and quite simply the most boring woman there.  Don’t even remember her.

Amber T – She hunts and eats cow balls.  She does a cute love at first sight thing, but she’s not a match for our Ben.

Holly: She is in pharmacutical sales, wears a big hat and is super dumb.  Never going to happen for her and Ben.

Jamie – She is a registered nurse, had a rough childhood, will be an amazing wife and mother, and my top choice.

At this point Ben lets us all know he loves the brunettes which is cute. Here’s the thing, we’ve been watching for less than an hour and I get the feeling that Ben might actually break the curse of the Bachelor and find love.  There is a sincerity and awkward vulnerability about him that might prove to be authentic.  We might have a winner!

Shira: She’s an actress and an idiot.  Her attempt at humor is lame and she can just go home now, no need to go into the house.

Blakeley: She is a “VIP Cocktail Waitress”. Well I could go off on that one but she seems sweet and simple so I’ll let it slide.

Brittney:  She brings her Grandma with her and has her introduce them.  It’s a sweet thing I guess but Grandma is more interesting.

Nicki – Divorced dental hygenist who is cute, but it’s never going to happen.  I just don’t see him with a divorced woman.

Dianna – She works in non profit and giggles too much.  Really bad dress selection, forgets what to say, so says nothing,

Jennifer: She is an accountant, makes number jokes, and is cute.  I like her but she needs a haircut.  They have that in common.

Lyndsie J. – She is from England, reads a poem, and is super annoying.  This chick is a loon and will be out before she even sits down.

Anna: She is a student, gets out of the car and walks in without talking to him. Freaking awesome how dumb this chick is.

Monica: She is a dental consultant and also a lesbian.  Super cute but may be there for a girlfriend, not Ben.

Jaclyn: She works in advertising, and I did not really pay attention to her because I was fixated on her really bad fake tan.

Shawn:  Financial advisor with really bad two toned hair color, hits Ben on the arm, hard enough to leave a bruise.

Kasie B. – She is an administrative assistant, the girl next door, and super cute.  She’s a contender and the bitches will slaughter her.

Lindzi C – Instead of the limo, she comes in on a horse.  He’s into her and she clearly made a good first impression.

The first cocktail party begins and women are already professing their love for him.  It’s freaking awesome.  Ben says he’s not focused on finding a wife, just looking for love.  Good for him.  I like him more with every minute which means when he is a pig it will piss me off.

Rachel lets Ben know she quit her job of 5 years to be there.  She’ll be crying soon enough. Nicki is over the top in love, which is creepy, but does not tell him she is divorced which is lame.  She talks around her history, which I think will be her undoing.  I’m not into her.

Lindzi gets one on one and he is totally into her.  She has really big teeth and there is something about her that is a little off.  I could be wrong, but I’m probably not.  She’s a mean girl deep inside, just wait.  Plus, did she change the spelling of her name to stand out?

Ben chats with the Grandma and Brittney, then walks her to the car.  Ben is adorable with the Grandma and has no interest in Brittney, but can’t dump her now because he’ll look like a schmuck.  Grandma saved Britt tonight but it won’t last.  She’ll be gone soon enough.

Blakely is rocking a massive wrist tattoo.  It creeps Ben out so she’ll be out.  The chicks are playing soccer, dancing, and doing a bunch of weird crap to get his attentions and time with him.  What is so fascinating is that I can actually smell the desperation through my television.

Emily does a rap about love and disease and it’s horribly wrong.  She lets us know she has a gangster side, but not so much.  If you are going to do a lame song, and know it will get you attention, then why not brush your hair? Especially when there are models around you.

Courtney, if you need to tell him you are normal and nice, then chances are you are not normal or nice.  You are a mean girl and I can’t wait to see you spin a web.  In the house Jenna is becoming unhinged because of Monica. She is seriously losing her mind and it’s perfect.

Monica is saying she is not in love with Ben after 5 minutes, and Jenna thinks it’s wrong because Monica should know right now if it’s love.  Monica and Jenna are insane.  These too are the Ali and Vienna of this season, only better.  They will get roses because the producers insist they do.

Monica is hammered and hitting on Blakely.  A serious full on I want to make out with you pass.  It’s hilarious.  Blakely is clearly scared and it’s fantastic. Monica is in love with a chick and Jenna is losing her mind.  She asks the camera how to maintain sanity and it’s on!

Jenna is talking to anyone who will listen about what a bitch Monica is. Jenna writes a blog about love?  She appears to be having a nervous breakdown in front of our eyes.  She tries to sound smart, but she sounds crazy.  How did she pass a phsycologal test?

Jenna goes to talk to Monica, Monica is not getting Jenna, or understanding what she wants from her, and Jenna’s head is about to fly off her body.  Jenna is mentally unwell.  She is also a horrible fake crier.  These chicks are wasted and don’t seem to care that we are all watching.

Ben has absolutely no chemistry with Jenna, and she pisses him off at one point so you know he will keep her.  She is good television and they will force him to keep her. Jenna is now crying in the bathroom not sure if she can do the show.  Choo Choo!  The crazy train has left the station.

Jenna is saying that she gave everything and I am screaming in delight. Meanwhile Ben gives the first impression rose to Lindzi.  She reminds me a little bit of Christine Taylor.  Or maybe it’s Marsha Brady, but there is something familiar about her.  The other girls are pissed.

It’s time for the first rose ceremony and Jenna is not there.  She is still crying in the bathroom and unable to pull it together.  She eventually comes out and watches the girls from the hallway.  She is not just reality TV crazy, she is seriously needs meds crazy.

At the rose ceremony Amber B., Amber T., Holly, Shira, Dianna, Lyndsie J., and Anna are sent home.  Monica and Jenna make it through because Mike Fleiss is a genius and he knows what we like.  Based on the first night I choose Jamie as my top pick.  I want her to find love.

Hearing the girls who got the boot say they are losers and complete failures is really sad. Watching them cry is really funny.  It’s one night ladies and if this is what makes you a loser then I can assure you that you were losers before you got there and did nothing wrong.

It’s going to be a great season.  We will love it, hate it, praise it, and mock it. We will believe in love and be disappointed when it’s not found.  We will pick sides, favorites, and winners.  The Bachelor is back and Ben is a keeper. I will be honest, harsh, hopeful and bitter. 

This is my favorite show to blog about and so I’m exited it is back.  I love it so much that I think I might actually hate it.  Searching for love is a brutal thing so bravo to these women for allowing us the joy of watching them crash and burn.  I am in and keeping it real.

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January 2, 2012 | 9:58 pm

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills UPDATE

Posted by Ilana Angel

This show is exhausting to watch.  The women are so full of crap that it’s as if we are watching full blown scripted television, written by really bad writers, and staring really bad actresses.  Even the ones I like are becoming unappealing.  Never mind that watching Russell feels dirty.

This week picks up at the White Party, where Taylor and Russell have been kicked out.  I think Kyle is more of a mess than her sister.  Kim is high so you can almost forgive her, but Kyle is just straight up mean.  She cannot be trusted, especially by her sister, and her tears are fake.

Taylor is gone so in the middle of the party, they sit around and talk about it.  Russell was blindsided by lies and I don’t think he had intentions of suing.  Camille, who I really like, tells the camera her lawyers told her to stay away from Russell. Then why go to the party?

If the girls were worried about Taylor’s safety, why put her in danger?  Tell Camille not to come, and talk to Russell so he won’t sue.  This was a bomb ready to blow.  You can feel honest concern from Lisa, but I think the rest of the ladies loved every minute of the drama.

Adrienne likes the sound of her own voice and could be saying something of value, but her hair makes it impossible to take anything she says seriously.  In the car Russell appears to have no idea what is going on, or why Camille lied.  Taylor is squirming.

Russell is either in complete denial about his abuse of Taylor, or Taylor lied about it all.  She tells Russell she did talk about their marriage to the girls and told them that “all couples fight”.  Very true, but not all men break the jaw of their wife and have no memory of ever doing it.

Lisa is sad and Kyle tells her they need to go and have a good time because she’s worked too hard.  In the blink of Botoxed eye, Kyle is dancing, laughing gossiping about Taylor and having a great time.  Meanwhile, Russell is either planning is own death, or beating the crap out of his wife.

Adrienne lets us know women kiss better than men.  Kim is sloshed and making out with Ken in front of her kids, who appear to be on the verge of vomiting.  Kyle is watching and pretending to be grossed out but she is just jealous the cameras have left her for a minute.

They gang is going to Hawaii to celebrate Mauricio’s birthday.  Important to note that on the entire planet, in every city and town, Giggy is the cutest dog ever.  Seeing him in his pants and Hawaiian shirt makes me think that I will stalk Lisa around town and steal her dog.  I freaking love this dog.

Everyone is at the airport, the flight is leaving in 45 minutes and Kim and Ken have not arrived.  Kyle gets her on the phone and she is clearly not herself.  By not herself of course I mean she is high as a kite.  It’s very sad. Especially since we now know she has been in rehab recently.

Back in LA, Taylor is in her fake therapy session saying she was kicked out of the party and did not go to Hawaii.  He is clearly leading her in conversation and it’s disgusting.  Taylor is mad that her friendships are suffering.  Really? The beating is okay, just leave my friends alone?

Kim lets Kyle know she is on a later flight but we cannot understand what she is saying because of the slurring.  Paul is taking a later flight, which is weird.  If he had to work why would Adrienne not wait and fly with her husband? That marriage is just too much trouble to end.

Kyle is insisting to Lisa that Kim is not happy.  That is because Kyle knows everything about Kim.  Except of course that she had a boyfriend.  Kyle knows nothing about Kim because Kim does not tell her stuff. Kyle is not warm and fuzzy and I wouldn’t tell her anything either.

The gang takes a plane to their island.  By plane of course I mean Howard Hughes may have actually flown this plane.  Brandi drank and took a Xanax because she is a fearful flyer, and she is now plastered. She is a sloppy drunk, which translates to good television.  Go Team Brandi!

Sidebar:  Brandi says a man who drives a red Ferrari has a small penis. Adrienne tells us her brother drove one, and with a knowing wink lets us know Brandi’s theory is wrong.  Really?  Adrienne can confirm the size of her adult brother’s penis?  Next time just fly with your husband.

Lisa is back in a good light.  For a couple of weeks I didn’t get her.  In the end it was me, not her. She is who she is, and she is fabulous. I was grossed out by Taylor so I blurred the lines.  In the end Lisa is funny and perhaps the most honest and inherently kind out of the ladies.

Paul arrives to the hotel and Adrienne greets him in her 1980’s half visor, which matches her 80’s hair and clothes. He tells Adrienne that Kim was on the flight, but disappeared into the bathroom for a while and seemed a little off.  She still has a connector flight to make, as he came early.

He wants to make sure they have some romance as they never travel alone, and she shoots down all his ideas.  Adrienne is not nice to her husband and while it was funny in the beginning, it no longer is.  At the pool Camille and Brandi are getting some sun. They both look fabulous.

Brandi’s body is a topic of conversation for all the ladies.  Brandi looks amazing.  I would like to have that body for one day.  I would walk around naked and simply admire it from every angle.  This is a spectacular looking woman, which makes the LeAnn thing make less sense.

Taylor calls and tells Lisa and Kyle that she is ending her marriage.  Why she chose to call them in Hawaii and not wait two days is unclear, but I’m guessing Bravo planned it.  Lisa cries and is compassionate, while Kyle is robotic and cold, and all I can think about is Russell.

Next week we see Kim finally shows up and it’s not going to be good. I like her and think if she were not suffering from substance abuse she would be just kooky enough to be fabulously entertaining.  Sadly I will watch again next week, hoping that maybe someone will keep it real.

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