Posted by Ilana Angel
I am not drinking tonight because the thought of Gretchen proposing to Slade makes me want to hurl and with the possibility of vomit so high, I am not prepared to waste any booze. Tonight may put me over the edge, but I am doing it without my boyfriend Jose Cuervo. Wish me luck!
Vicki has Lydia and Alexis over. She remodeled her house and there are no remnants of Donn anywhere to be seen. She is going to have a winter wonderland party to unveil her home. She was inspired by Canada, which I get because I’m Canadian, but her party will suck.
Vicki is inviting everyone but Lauri. She is even going to invite Slade. She listens to a link from his radio show and hears him slam her looks again, but he is invited. She is not taking his crap, but she is invited. This show is so scripted that it is beyond ridiculous. Vicki is not that bright.
Cut to Heather, she is telling her kids they have sold the house and are building a new one. It is an “adventure”. Translation: Insanely pretentious “actress” lets us know their movie theater has 15 seats, but this is not about size, it is about adventure. Jews on reality TV are always lame.
Slade is listening to Gretchen’s song asking him to marry her. He loves her singing but apparently cannot recognize her voice. Why? Because he is deaf from her singing, which is why he loves it so much. We have watched this show for years but Bravo is punishing us. So not cool Bravo.
Slade is crying and at the risk of never living it down, when he tears up and asks if she is there, I cried. I cannot blame the booze, which totally sucks. I cannot stand this couple, but his reaction is really lovely. His cash cow has finally caved and is going to marry his loser ass. Mazel.
Gretchen is dressed like what I think is supposed to be Marilyn Monroe. I cannot believe Bravo paid for this shitfest. You know her purses certainly didn’t. The amount of makeup she is wearing is laughable. Slade is in the car to meet Gretchen and calls his mom. Cute, but he’s a loser.
Gretchen has invited people to join them, but none of the girls. How can this show keep going when all the players hate each other? The families arrive and yes, I laughed out loud at Slade’s brother’s hair. Slade gets into a helicopter and I’m annoyed we are forced to watch this garbage.
This is such a waste of money. Bravo could have donated this money to the Princesses of Long Island so Casey could buy a personality, or Ashlee could get a private jet. I find this whole thing offensive and laughable. This show and these women are everything that is wrong with reality TV.
Gretchen talks about losing Jeff, which is dumb. She loved Jeff’s money, not Jeff. Too harsh? No. Gretchen is talking about how much she loves Slade with flashbacks to what a loser he is, and again, her makeup is hideous. She tells him he is perfect, she loves him, and will he marry her?
I can actually see him counting the dollar signs in his mind. He is reading her lips and crying, and even if you hate these people, which we do, it is a beautiful proposal and I am happy for them. I am sort of hoping he says no, but he gets on his knee and accepts her proposal. Nauseating.
We cut to Tamra who is having her gym pre-sale event and it is sad. The place is a mess, she is not ready to receive guests. Alexis arrives and her boobs look massive. Alexis is harmless and quite sweet. Who would have thought I would like her? I’ enjoy this show more with booze.
Back with Gretchen, the paid extras are excited for Gretchen and Slade. We see Slade’s son Gavin, who is cute, and sounds just like his dad. I’m just not feeling this. Sorry. Gretchen gives a speech and it feels fake and just not authentic. Why am I watching> Why am I not drinking?
Gretchen calls Slade’s brother the swamp version of Slade, and their mom will pay $100 to cut his hair. Nice. Next week is the season finale of this mess and I am beyond happy about it. The party at Vicki’s is getting set up and I am having a glass of wine. I simply must.
Vicki tells her decorator she wants her winter wonderland to be a bit more Mediterranean. Vicki is business savvy and life dumb. Everyone is getting ready for the party/finale. Whatever. Tamra is comparing Eddie to Simon and I am now chugging wine to get through the next ten minutes.
Slade tells Gretchen she is beautiful and she says it is because she hasn’t had crazy surgery. Okay. They are not going to talk about the engagement so nobody wrecks it. Whatever. Heather and Terry are heading over and she is still mad at Gretchen for not respecting she is an actress.
Alexis and Lydia are heading to the party and Jim is going. Wow. Lydia hates Slade and talks about it. Tamra thinks there will be conflict with Gretchen and it is lame. They are going to shoot the finale and nobody wants to see anyone. This show really needs to call it a day. We’re done.
Vicki’s dress is unfortunate. Tamra gives Vicki a friendship gift. Whatever. I like Tamra, but pretty sure that will end when her wedding special airs. I love Lydia, love her mom, love her husband, love it all. Vicki tells the girls she is going to be with Brooks. I am now really drinking.
Everyone is there but Gretchen. Tamra says she picked a wedding date and Alexis says that a lot of water has happened under the bridge with Gretchen. Gretchen arrives and we are done for the night. Next week everyone will fight, Slade will get kicked out, and it will be over.
All good things must come to an end, but in the case of the housewives of Orange County, they are no longer good and have overstayed their welcome. This ending needs to be forever, not just a season. Time to clean house and start over. Losing the garbage is the only way to keep it real.
12.7.13 at 8:49 am | What the hell is Bravo giving us?
12.7.13 at 7:29 am | I'm not going to lie, these women and the men. . .
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire.
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television.
12.2.13 at 7:12 am | I was bored with all the jumping around.
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . .
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . . (4435)
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire. (4400)
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television. (3692)
July 28, 2013 | 7:22 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Tonight’s typos are sponsored by Merlot and Patron.
This show puts me over the edge. It is horrible. The girls are horrible, the voices are horrible, the clothes are horrible, the stereotypes are horrible, all of it. I honestly cannot believe it is on, or that I am watching. That said, as long as it is on I will write about it to let people know is it total crap. They are humiliating themselves, and embarrassing to my faith.
From the moment they start with a Jewish proverb I get a sharp pain in my lower back. We start with Amanda and her sister Ashley, who appears to be missing some brain function. They stop to look at engagement rings and their whining voices make my head hurt. I am going to have to take a shot of tequila or I will never make it trough. I need them to stop talking.
Amanda and Ashley are harmless, but dear Lord, could they be any dumber? The answer is no. Ashley tells Amanda that mother Babs is not going to approve a wedding and Amanda says she will do it without her mom. Ugh. Babs is a hot mess and if I was like that with my kid I would want someone to tell me. So, Babs, as one mother to another, you are a crazy person.
Over at Ashlee’s, her father is enabling her while she waits for Erica to come over. Ashlee tells Erica she did not appreciate the crap she said to Joey, Erica denies it, we see the footage proving she said it, and it is insane. How old are these women? Erica lies out her ass about Joey. Ashlee then tells Erica she needs to not be friends with Joey, who is bad.
Sidebar: You have got to follow these women on Twitter. They retweet every single tweet that is about them. They beg people to watch, ask them to tell Bravo to give them another season, and spread love and light to all. They are pathetic. Casey gets mad when I call her stupid, so instead I will say that she is simple. She is also devoid of any personality.
Babs is having Jeff’s family over for dinner. Babs calls Triple Sec, Triple Set, and we see the apple does not fall far from the tree. Amanda is stressed out over it because she knows her mom is not into it. Jeff and his family arrive, they throw around some Judaism, and everyone sits down for a dinner with uncomfortable and inappropriate conversation.
Jeff's dad is talking about a medical exam, Ashley wants to know if his ass was checked, and I am doing another shot of Patron. Jeff declares his love for Amanda and that he is in for the long haul. Babs is not into it, and Jeff’s mother is mortified by Babs not being into it. Jeff’s parents say all the right things while Babs craps all over it. It is sad and awkward.
Jeff is annoyed, Amanda is standing by her man, Babs is digging her grave. It is a horrible dinner and I am pulling for Jeff to ask Amanda to marry her so she can get the hell out of that house. Cut to Casey, she is having drinks with a friend from the city. I just can’t. Casey makes no sense and I just don’t get her. She is annoying beyond measure and I have hit mute.
Erica, Chanel, Amanda, Ashlee, and Joey are going to a vineyard for drinks, then a boat ride with Erica’s dad. They are freaking out over a bee and I am amazed these women are as old as they are. Joey arrives, Erica ignores her, Joey ignores her back, and the high school shenanigans begin. They split into two cars so Joey can bitch about Ashlee and visa versa.
Chanel thinks the E on the dash is for empty, when it is for east. Joey wants truckers to blow their horns at them, and Erica is making sure she has birth control, which is funny considering her boyfriend is not there. They arrive to the vineyard and it is going to go down. If I had been at the same place and those voices came in, I would demand my money back.
The wine guy cheers them with a “chin chin” and they respond with “ching ching”. Hilarious. They are all wearing stupid shoes and Ashlee is scared to walk up a flight of stairs because she is afraid of heights. Joey is picking at Ashlee, and Ashlee is about to call her dad at any second. Chanel thinks Ashlee is stressed about Joey. Translation: Ashlee is emotionally stunted.
They are at lunch making fools of themselves and the wine guy is clearly pissed off he agreed to have them come and shoot there. Erica is peeing in the trees, and on herself, while asking Joey why she is fighting with Ashlee. Erica wants things settled before they get on the boat. She then makes it worse by asking Joey and Ashlee to talk things out and fix it.
Joey is a bitch, Ashlee is offended, and the fight is on. Joey is a mean bitch, and Ashlee is 12. No good can come of this. Ashlee calls Joey a bad person, again. Joey is screaming, Amanda is trying to help, Chanel is trying to help, Ashlee wants everyone to pick sides, and Erica is admiring what she has started. We have been waiting for this moment all season!
They are now all screaming their heads off and everyone is fighting. It comes out that Erica was lying about Joey. Busted. Erica tells Ashlee she did not lie, and Ashlee lets Erica know she killed her. I am laughing my ass off. Whoo Hoo! These women are HORRIBLE! Ashlee uses an analogy where they are all dogs, including herself. Erica turns to booze to feel better.
Ashlee makes a point of going to Joey and telling her, “Your mom was right about you.” What is that? Ashlee gets on the phone, hysterical, and then we get what we have been waiting for. “M O M M Y . H E L P . M E.” I know it is a horrible situation, but boy oh boy is it good. They are imploding and I am thrilled. Maybe this will be enough to get this show cancelled.
Ashlee’s dad tells her to get a car service and come home. Ashlee says she needs to take a private jet. Oh. My. God. I cannot stop laughing at these losers. Chanel goes to find Ashlee while the others are still fighting about who is to blame. Chanel then calls Casey. How is Casey going to help? Ashlee knocks Joey's looks, which is what started this whole mess.
Erica is crying to Rob about disappointing her father, who is waiting for them. Everyone is talking about how everyone else is not a good friend. They are all 14 year old girls. There are now two teams, Chanel, Ashlee and Casey, against Amanda, Erica and Bethenny. I mean Joey. Everyone is storming off and I am going to have another shot. That makes 3. Yes 3.
Chanel follows Ashlee out and turns to make sure the camera is following too. Hilarious. The three musketeers are leaving to go to the boat, and leave Chanel to deal with Ashlee. Ashlee vanishes, abandoning Chanel when she was the only one willing to stand by her. It has been an hour and I am not only drunk, but I am exhausted by all the fighting and stupidity.
Next week is the season finale and God willing, it will also be the series finale. Ashlee is in the hospital, Chanel is sad to have the wedding over and everything not about her, Amanda and Jeff will get engaged. I will blog next week and I truly hope it is the last time. These women do not belong on television. No matter how much I drink, I am still keeping it real.
July 28, 2013 | 4:52 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Tonight's typos are sponsored by Merot.
We are still at the retreat. Bravo to Bravo for dragging this out and sucking every last drop out of it. I feel like we have been trapped in this castle forever. I am sick of Melissa, sad for Joe, digging Juicy, feeling for Teresa, loving Rosie, and not paying attention to Rich, Kathy, or Caroline. I’m ready for week three though. Wine is poured, so here we go.
Joe and Teresa are talking, which is only possible because Melissa is not there. Dr. V is awesome and says they need time together, and it is Teresa who suggests Melissa join in. Melissa is with everyone else talking crap about Teresa and I want to smack her. Melissa is a liar and I am not buying anything she says. She likes when Joe is mad at Teresa.
Melissa is negative and going into every second thinking nothing will be resolved. Melissa is on her way up and Joe tells Teresa she is easy. (Insert stripper joke here.) Melissa joins and her facial expressions and body language are pissing me off. Sidebar: I am drinking red wine tonight, and am guessing that I will go through the entire bottle by myself. Just saying.
Melissa blames everything on Kim D, so Teresa says she will not hang out with Kim if Melissa stops hanging out with Jac. Melissa changes the subject and seems to be a little confused. She insists she is not stupid, but come on. Teresa is not causing the problems, she is reacting to what she is told, which when partnered with Melissa’s actions, creates a perfect storm.
Joe is ready to move on, while Melissa is hanging onto the anger and fighting. Teresa is a saint to keep trying when she is faced with such crap. Important to note that I don’t think Teresa is innocent in this mess, because she is not. That said, she is reacting to what she is being given. Melissa is blowing smoke up everyone’s ass and Dr. V calls her on it. Nice work.
Melissa wants us to know she will try, but it hard because she has been through so much. Really? Melissa is an idiot. Bless her. Poor Joe. He is blind as a bat. Bless him. Everyone hugs it out, Teresa tells Melissa she loves her, and Melissa is a bitch. Dr. V calls them out and makes them hug for real. Caroline and the Wakile’s playing in the snow is stupid.
Juicy has now joined in the fun, calm as a cucumber. I like Juicy, and I like Joe, but the anger is palpable. They are talking it out and Juicy gets up and apologizes to Joe and Melissa. He just wants it to be over. I know Juicy is not perfect, and he has done some unsavory things, but you cannot say that he is not willing to do what needs to be done to help him wife. Love him.
Dr. V leaves and Kathy is pissed off that she didn’t get to talk to her. Kathy, she left because we don’t care about you, your family, or anything you say. Sorry. Not sorry. Everyone is together and Teresa thanks Caroline for coming, and Melissa starts to talk as if she is a nice person. Kathy is talking and I want to smack her. She is going to ruin this entire thing. Dumbass.
The boys, and Rosie, are going ice fishing while the women cook dinner. Back at home, Caroline calls Jac and we have to watch. Really? This is stupid. Caroline is a gossiping, bitter hag. All good feelings about her are now gone. Jac is a moron and I am sick of her. We managed to go 30 minutes without having to see Jac. Damn you Bravo for sucking her in.
The ice fishing begins and it is lame. It is an attempt at comedy, which sort of works, but not really. They are going back and forth between the men and the women. The women are cooking, except for Melissa, and the men, with Rosie, are acting like kids. Juicy and Joe are going at it in a totally passive aggressive way, and it is both nerve wracking and cute. Rich is bored.
Rich is vile, disgusting, and should not be on TV or Twitter. They give up on the fishing and head back to the Inn. Melissa is getting hammered. She is drowning her sorrows because her evil plot to keep Joe and Teresa apart seems to have failed. Even if it is only a temporary fail, it is awesome to watch her squirm. Dinner is ready and Melissa is still drinking.
Dinner is nice, everyone is getting along, and Juicy tells Caroline he thought Jac and Chris were coming, so he brought a present for Chris, and would Caroline take it back. So sweet. Juicy misses Chris and it is a touching moment,. Caroline makes it about Nick, and I am now completely grossed out by her. Rich says Juicy should take it to Chris himself and reconnect.
Sometimes Rich says the sweetest things, then in an instant he is a disgusting pig. I don’t like him and think he is so gross that his moments of loveliness mean nothing. Why is he on this show? Kathy and Rich need to leave the show and sell canolli out of the back of her car. They bring nothing to this show. They never have really. Time for some new blood to join.
Oh. My. God. We are at dinner with Jac and Chris. For the love of God, who cares? Chris is talking about masturbation. Really? The only thing they have to talk about is masturbation? Jac manages to turn a discussion about masturbation to Teresa. She is pathetic. Back at the Inn they are playing trust games. Rich is a pig, Rosie is wasted, and it is almost entertaining.
The scene of them catching each other is proof that the time at the Inn should have only been 2 weeks, not 3. They are pulling at straws now. Caroline says she will let Teresa catch her if she promises to do it with Jac one day. Caroline is a joy sucker. This was about family, she was invited in as an outsider, and she is ruining the moment. I can’t stand Caroline now.
Jac and Chris are STILL talking about Teresa. Holy crap. Everyone at the Inn is going to bed to sleep off the buzz and Teresa is crying about Jac. Wasted tears. Juicy is divine in this episode. I love him. The retreat is finally over and while I’m happy for them, I’m left feeling more pissed about Jac, than happy for the others. That’s sad, but keeping it real.
July 25, 2013 | 5:13 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
This show is just not good anymore. Period. It is impossible to know who likes who, who is going to stab who in the back, and who is going to have a breakdown. None of the men in their lives are interesting, and the truth is we no longer care enough to watch with any regularity. Yes I am going to say we, because I hear it all the time from other fans. We are checking out and this show is on its last leg. Blogging it is painful. It is not fun, and each week it becomes less worthy of my time.
That said, I will finish what I started because I’m a giver. We begin with Gretchen. She is on the phone with Slade telling him all about the trip to Canada. She calls him because she has nobody else to call. I imagine she does not have many friends other than the ones Bravo pays to hang out with her. We are listening to Gretchen recap the show we have already seen. Dear Lord. Gretchen is talking about Heather being threatened by her as an actress. I am having my first drink now.
Speaking of Heather, Terry takes her to an empty lot because he wants to sell their house and build a bigger one. Really? Rich people are crazy. They are going to accept an offer on their house for $16,450,000.00. Terry will work less, they will build a new house, and it is important to note that Heather is not into material things. She is not going to go from 15000 square feet to 17000 square feet because she values things, but because she likes a challenge. Thanks for clarifying that Heather. What a relief.
Over to Tamra we go to watch her have dinner with Eddie. Fascinating. By fascinating of course I mean I need electric shock therapy just to stay awake for this show. They are two weeks away from opening their gym. Who cares? Tamra wants to plan their wedding and Eddie could care less. He tells her he does not want to feel pressured. Really? He asked her to marry him so where is the pressure? They then do the time-honored tradition of picking a wedding date by pulling June 22 out of their asses. Mazel Tov.
We are now with Vicki who is puffed up like a marshmallow. It is an “allergic reaction”. Okay. Vicki is off to Napa with Brooks to work on her vodka line. For the love of God. We are now listening to Vicki recap the trip to Canada. The whole show is them talking about the same thing. Vicki does not need a man, but she wants one. She is fighting with Briana about Brooks. Again. I am now pouring a shot of tequila just to take the edge off. By shot of course I mean I have placed a straw in my bottle of Patron. For real.
Alexis and Gretchen are having lunch. Alexis is gorgeous and Gretchen looks skeletal. Alexis cries, Gretchen bitches to the camera about everything Alexis says. Gretchen’s mouth is talking, but her face is not moving, so I need to move on. These chicks are not friends so they need to cut the crap and cut each other loose. Not sure how this conversation ends because I am skipping over it. Regardless of what they are saying to each other, all I can hear is blah, blah, blah. These bitches need to get off of our televisions.
Lydia is hosting her “life group” at her house. It is some kind of bible study where they get together to talk about life and how God helps them. Good idea, love her. I’m not watching though. Cut to Vicki in Napa with Brooks. He makes my skin crawl. He is creepy and truly makes me uncomfortable. They are working on her Vodka line. Another housewife sucking the life out of her 15 minutes. Vicki says, “All the casinos in Vegas are on board.” I doubt it. I love vodka, drink it often, and I am not buying Vicki Vodka.
Alexis is going to LA for an audition. Now, please remember that Heather is the only actress on this show. Alexis may think she is an actress, but Heather is the only one. Know it. Alexis meets with Jeff Margolis, who is a successful guy, but I just can’t. She is ridiculous, he looks like a pervert, and I am skipping over it. Honestly, the second he stuck his tongue out and she started to draw I was laughing too hard to listen. Do you think these women understand that they are making fools of themselves? Probably not.
Rather than go for the easy jokes in terms of tea bags with Lydia and her mom, I will simply say that these two need to have their own show. Gretchen has decided that she is going to ask Slade to marry her. She is going to record a song for him because he loves to hear her sing. All these years watching and I did not know Slade was deaf. He must read lips because if he loves her singing he is clearly experiencing hearing loss. Then she starts singing and I want to shove hot coals in my ears. Oh. My. God.
Vicki is out for dinner with Brooks and I wonder why she didn’t bother to brush her hair. I also wonder why she is wearing fake eyelashes, after she said she was allergic. Vicki asks Brooks about his dating someone else. He denies it. No dating, no kissing, no giving of money. Brooks is gross and his voice makes me want to vomit but I refuse to give up my tequila. Vicki tells Brooks Briana is out of town and maybe he can come over and perhaps fill her love tank. Brooks blames Briana for all their problems. Icky.
We are shown commercials for Bravo’s new show. “Eat, Drink, Love”. I’m not watching. Vicki tells Brooks he is not making a stand and fighting for them. Vicki is ridiculous, Brooks is not a good egg, and Briana is going to pay the price for her mother being a fool. Whatever. Next week Gretchen will ask Slade to marry her, he will say yes, I will vomit. I’m going to need to double up on my booze for next week because whatever is going in will come back out. Getting drunk is simply required in order to watch and keep it real.
July 21, 2013 | 8:17 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
Tonight’s typos are generously sponsored by Grey Goose. I cannot stand this show and only blog it to tell people exactly how horrible it is. I tried. Truly I did. I even interviewed Chanel and wrote about how fabulous she is, which I still believe, but even she is on my last nerve. These women are emotionally and mentally stunted. Don’t even get me started on the Jewish stereotypes. These chicks are caricatures of what is means to be Jewish and if Chanel were Modern Orthodox she would not be wearing what she does. I am on drink number two, so here we go.
We start at Ashlee’s house. She is having a sleepover because she is scared to be home alone while her parents are away. She is 30. Her phone rings and she tells it to hold on. Dear Lord. She is preparing a cheese tray and is separating the cheese types because poor people mix things, and she is not poor. I’d rather be poor than rich if rich meant I had to be this dumb. Chanel arrives, and they cannot open the wine. They are seriously so very dumb. Bless them. Amanda arrives and her pajamas are more suited for porn.
Ashlee immediately jumps on Amanda for talking smack about her to Joey. They are drinking, gossiping, whining, and acting like they are in high school. They have the mentality of middle school kids, and I want to cut myself and slowly bleed to death. How are these women on television? What is interesting here? They are embarrassing themselves. They are crude, rude, stupid, and pathetic. Casey took offense to me calling them stupid on Twitter but come on. Regardless of whether or not these women are educated, the fact is that they are all stupid.
Ashlee is a virgin. That news is the first thing on this show that makes sense. She also smiles while she is sleeping. Probably because she is touching herself, but she would never admit that. Cut to Joey, she is 29 and living at home with her Dad and his 2nd wife. Important to note that they live in a gorgeous house, not the place Ashlee picked her up at earlier in the season. Bravo is full of shit. Joey is talking to her dad about her business but he is not interested. He wants her out of his house. Her dad is clearly frustrated with her, but also a bit of an asshole.
Cut to Erica’s house, she is having dinner with her parents and Rob. Poor Rob. Her parents make me sick. They constantly mock Judaism and I want to smack them. They are rude and ignorant. Erica says she loves Rob because he is what she is supposed to be in love with him, not because she is. She is a slut, we all know it, and if Rob does not know, he is a moron. Rob says he wants to get engaged but Erica is not into it. She just wants to play house, sleep with the pool boy, and the gardener. I don’t get this chick and find it annoying she is on television at all.
Chanel is at home and Casey comes to visit. I thought Casey never came to Long Island? I am sick of hearing Chanel talk about her sister’s wedding. Chanel practices her speech for the wedding, Casey gives her advice. Chanel turns it all back to her. Chanel is incapable of saying something nice about the wedding, without talking about herself and the pressure of her community. Here’s the thing, nobody cares about Chanel as much as Chanel does. She is not married because she does not want to be married yet. She is obsessed with what others think.
Amanda is on a double date with Jeff, Ashlee, and Marcos, who she is setting Ashlee up with. I cannot watch Amanda and Jeff fall all over each other. Their voices make my ears bleed. Marcos arrives and he is a pig. He puts his hand on Amanda’s ass and I immediately think he is a freak. Why do all these people talk with their mouths full and chew with their mouths open? They have ordered food and drinks before Ashlee arrives, which I think is rude. Ashlee is into Marcos. He got his pilots license the same year she was born. This date is creepy.
Chanel tries on her dress for the wedding for her mother and I am bored. Like her mother has not seen the dress? It is a scripted moment of ridiculousness so she can look stupid in her dress and cry about how she is not getting married. Every time Chanel talks about the wedding she changes the number of guests attending. Chanel is making her sister’s wedding all about her. I am going to walk away and make myself another drink. That will be drink number four. Whoever decided to put Princesses on right after RHONJ clearly has no regard for my liver. Bastards.
Marcos goes to the bathroom, Ashlee says he is perfect, he returns with flowers he stole off the bar, and they are off to a club. It is senior night! Amanda is mortified, Jeff is sweet, and Ashlee is disgusted. Marcos is aggressive, flirting with everyone there, and drunk. He is a lot bigger than Ashlee and is tossing her around. Not cute. Ashlee bails. Joey takes Amanda to try her lip gloss thing and I just can’t. These chicks are not meant to be on TV. They are not interesting, bring nothing to the table, and make me want to impale myself.
Joey is looking at apartments and takes Amanda with her. She is desperate, Amanda feels for her, and all I can think about is that Joey is just like Bethenny. Not cute. They look at small apartments, then trash them both. The realtor is useless, and I am bored. Joey calls her dad, who is a douche and hangs up on her. We are clearly not seeing everything in terms of her relationship with her dad, but who cares? He appears to not like her, she does not like him, and I don’t know why she would want to show her dad on television like this.
He has given her 90 days to move out and support herself. Joey says her dad does not help her. Really? He has let you live FOR FREE at his home for over two years, and you are ALMOST 30. GROW UP. Enough about that, it is wedding time. They are all the best of friends, but only Ashlee and Casey are invited to the wedding. The wedding has gone from 300, to 400, to now 500 guests. Chanel is getting her hair and makeup done and again making it all about her and the judgment she feels, not her sister. Chanel needs to get a grip.
Casey has not been to temple in 16 years and I am once again reminded by how offended I am as a Jew by this show. The wedding is beautiful, done in Hebrew with Israeli music, and it is lovely. I sang along and cried. It is the vodka so don’t judge me. Chanel tries to have a Pippa Middleton moment but doesn’t quite get there. She is crying again, talking about having hope she will meet someone. I want to sit this young woman down and have a chat. Ashlee lets us know she has also not given up hope that she will find love. No hope from Casey.
Chanel is giving her speech and nobody is listening, including her sister. She perseveres, and reads it. They show Ashley and her husband listening, but I am certain it was an edit and she did not hear Chanel’s speech at all. Chanel is dancing and I’m done. It’s a great wedding, Casey feels sorry for Chanel, and Chanel is moving on to "become the woman she is meant to be." Chanel’s wedding ends and then it happens. We see that next week will be the “help me” show. I cannot wait. It’s the only reason I’ve been watching. Next week we keep it real!
July 21, 2013 | 6:12 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
I am very excited to announce that tonight’s typos are generously sponsored by Grey Goose. Here we go. We are at the retreat to join the family together, and pick up with the big fight. Juicy has confronted Joe for calling Teresa scum, Joe attacks, Teresa leaves to call the cops, weird, and Melissa starts punching Juicy in the head. Joe goes for Juicy’s balls, and the tar is flying. Literally. Joe’s hair paint is pealing off and it is hilarious. Melissa is screaming at Teresa that she is disgusting, and Teresa is getting Juicy to leave. It is very sad to watch and I am sad for all of them.
By all of them of course I mean except Melissa. I blame her for this. I feel for Joe being torn by the sister he loves and the whore who services Tarzan. Sidebar: Joe Gorga’s back is divine and I want to lick it. After he washes the tar off. Teresa is confused, Melissa is talking crap to Joe, and Kathy, Rosie and Rich are gossiping. Kathy is worried about her nose job. The woman who has love in her heart is worried about her nose? Shove a cannoli in it you moron. Teresa wants to leave and Juicy says everyone else can leave and they are staying. I love Juicy.
Rich surprisingly stands up for Juicy and tells Rosie and Kathy they should stay and not give up. Then in the next second, he says it is all Teresa’s fault. Rich is an asshole, but he goes to talk to Juicy and Teresa. He agrees Joe calling Tre scum was bad, but she should have left Juicy out of it. Rich starts screaming, Teresa is playing victim, and Juicy thinks the whole thing is hilarious. Joe is crying, Melissa is fake crying, and I want to punch her in the face. Instead of supporting Joe and feeling his pain, she fuels the fire. Oh. My. God. I cannot stand that stupid bitch.
Rich, Kathy, and Rosie talk Melissa and Joe into staying. Rosie goes with Teresa to Joe and asks him to talk. Teresa asks Melissa to leave and Melissa refuses. Rosie calls out Melissa and tells her to go, but she won’t. Joe is crying and Melissa is telling him to stop. It is insane. She is ruining this family and everyone sees it but Joe. The coaches come up, which is just too funny, and they are talking calmly to everyone. Rich is the hero, telling everyone to stay until the morning. Joe says he hates Teresa, which we all know is a lie. Juicy wants to be alone his wife.
Teresa is now crying and I feel for her. Everyone goes to dinner but Teresa and Joe, who are bathing together. Joe admits the tar is off his head, and Juicy is having sexy time with Tre and we learn she cannot wink. I love Teresa. Teresa spills champagne on Juicy to lick it off and he tells her you can get pneumonia that way. Juicy says he’ll take Joe fishing and we are reminded the only people here who should be on a show are the Guidice family. Melissa is talking but I am not listening. Rich wants to make out with Kathy and she cannot hide her disgust.
Morning comes and people are feeling positive. Teresa calls Caroline and tells her about the fight. Caroline acts surprised but you know the Wakile’s called her last night. Come on. Teresa asks Caroline to come help and Caroline takes Teresa asking for help as something important and says she will try. Totally scripted bullshit. Whatever. Cut to Joe and Melissa and we see exactly how spiteful, evil, and vindictive she is. Her only joy in life is trying to destroy Teresa and if Joe cannot see what she is doing then nobody will ever help this situation.
Melissa says Teresa’s drinks suck, and her books and hair care products are crap. Joe is sitting there waiting for Melissa to tell him to fix it, but she is whining about wanting to go home. He says if he leaves he will lose his sister and his parents, and she is telling him to go. He tells her she is amazing and she says she needs to protect him. For the love of God. Shut up Melissa. Over at Caroline’s, the camera crew is there to capture Caroline after the call. Not scripted? Lauren is there and I wonder how it is that this chick does not seem to own a hairbrush.
Rich is drunk, everyone is spending hours on their hair, and Dr. V. arrives. Teresa says she came recommended by friends in California. Translation: Dr. V’s show sucked, but Bravo loves her, as do we, so it was Bravo who recommended her. Good call, but let’s be honest about it. Teresa is explaining to Dr. V what is happening and denying all involvement in getting them to this place. Dr. V is calling her out on it. Bless this Dr. because she may be the one person to help Teresa see what she does, and fix what is broken. V joins breakfast and gets right into it.
Melissa does not want to talk about anything in front of Teresa. She says she no longer wants to help Joe and Teresa and I am laughing because she never tried to help Joe and Teresa. V is going to talk to them all separately and Joe goes first. Melissa is nervous! Joe speaks and it sounds like a script that Melissa wrote. Joe says he does not want to fix anything and wants to go home. V says she will get Teresa and he can tell her. Melissa is going to lose her mind. Rosie hits on V, which is perfect. Teresa and Joe are now talking without Melissa and it is good.
Caroline arrives, by Bravo driver, and I am laughing. Nobody is surprised to see her, but Melissa is pissed off. She wants her and Joe to give up and move on. Teresa and Joe are talking and I don’t believe in televised therapy, but I will say it made me cry. I really like these two people and I want them to fix things. Impossible of course with Melissa in the mix, but I really am hoping there is peace. We started watching because we loved all these people and now it’s all about hate, theirs and ours. We are simply never going to stop watching these people.
In the end Teresa and Joe are both trying to be cool. V says she thought they should go home as they were not ready, but then says she feels something between them and thinks they should try. Teresa starts crying and you can feel her heartache. It made Joe cry. He leans over to hug her and it just so sad. Thank God Melissa was not here. I hope she was watching at home with Joe and he could see exactly who she is. It is only when Joe and Teresa take accountability, and Melissa owns up to her part in it all, that they will be able to keep it real.
July 15, 2013 | 7:03 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
We are still in Canada with the losers, and as a proud Canadian, I am mortified that this bunch of screaming banshees is polluting glorious Whistler with their toxic screeching. Lauri, who should not be anywhere near this group, told everyone Vicki had a threesome, and all hell has broken loose because now Vicki knows. For the love of God, we are 1 minute in and I have done a shot, and am nursing a margarita. Tonight’s typos are sponsored by Jose Cuervo. Pour a drink because here we go.
Vicki vehemently denies ever having had a threesome, and while I don’t know if she did or not, the more important question is, who cares? She is so insanely wound up that taking a trip to the wild side would probably be beneficial, so good for her. Alexis stops by Lydia’s room to thank Jesus for the fight not including her, then Lauri stops by to see if she is still invited to dinner, since Vicki uninvited her. On behalf of everyone who watches this show, I am uninviting her also. Lauri is a moronic fame whore.
She is there because she needs money, and an axe to grind. Bravo is bad. Very, very bad. Everyone arrives for dinner. By dinner of course I mean a commercial for the Four Seasons Whistler. Now that Vicki has been dumped by Brooks, everyone wants to fix her up with anything wearing pants, and it is weird. Canadian men are fabulous, and not quite dumb enough to date Vicki’s level of crazy. Vicki says she does not need help and has it all under control. She tells the girls she knows what matters.
Love, happiness, good people around her, and sex. Really? She is pissed Lauri is talking about her sex life, yet she wants to talk about sex? They bring up Brooks and Vicki says the sex was great. Lauri is not believing it, Vicki tells Lauri to shut up, and the fight moves from the slopes to the dinner table. Lauri’s face has caved in from too much surgery, and perhaps too many activities that involve putting your face up against hard things. Bless her. Lauri is talking in code, Vicki is calling her a liar, I am on shot #2.
They are now talking about Gretchen and Jeff and I am rolling my eyes. It was YEARS ago, so who cares? That these women are talking about stuff that happened so long ago the booze has erased it from the memories of the viewers, is confusing to watch it now. Gretchen is a bitter and stupid fool. Lauri is desperate for money, and I just don’t think that Vicki should have to defend herself against all this old bullshit. Important to note that Gretchen has no grasp of English. She’s a tool and I am bored.
Vicki says they need to move on, Lauri brings up the letter from George’s ex mother-in-law, from SEVEN YEARS AGO, and we are being forced to watch garbage. Lauri came back with a vendetta and I am embarrassed for Bravo that they are even showing this to us. Lauri is hideous. Vicki leaves, rightfully so, and Gretchen is with Tamra, asking why she is friends with Vicki again. Oh. My. God. How old are these losers? Gretchen is so immature I can hardly stand to listen to her. Wait! I don’t have to. Fast forward!
I am skipping over Tamra and Gretchen being high school idiots. Hang on… they are talking about Malibu Country again. Gretchen says she was offered a role and poor Heather is not there to insist that she is the ONLY actress on the show. I hate these chicks. For real. Cut to the morning and they are going snowmobiling. Best day ever. Everyone is carrying their expensive handbags and I find them all to be offensive. The car ride is awkward and we are forced to watch fake women with fake friendships.
They are riding, Vicki is an expert, and the first one to wipe out. It truly looks like a perfect day and it is wasted on these freaks. They need to pee, so they drop their pants and pee in the snow. Mortifying. Not that they peed, but that they were acting like 12 year old boys. They have a snowball fight, which Lydia calls “Canadian Magic”, and everyone is making up. Crapfest. Lauri and Vicki shake hands, then Vicki tells the camera Lauri is filthy and disgusting. As my pal @MintedRoyalty says, Oy to the vey!
Tamra calls Heather, so she can have camera time to tell us she is an actress. Tamra tells her that Gretchen is mad at her for implying she was not offered a part. Tamra tells Heather that Gretchen is a liar, Heather agrees, and the only thing that really matters is that we all understand that Heather is an actress. They are all going out for dinner for their last night in Canada. I LOVE Canada and Canadians. They have a cold vodka room, which causes the hags to screech, and I want to cut myself.
Tamra is telling everyone that Vicki is horny, Vicki is mortified, but lets us know she loves sex. Who are these people? Why are they on TV? Why are we watching? Back in the OC, Heather comes back from her ACTING job. She tells us the camera about her shows, several times, and I want to vomit. I would but I am not wasting this buzz as I still have 20 minutes left to watch. Back in Canada, they are going in the vodka room, there is screeching, and I am going to take a shot of vodka to join in.
Tamra puts her tongue on the ice and it get stuck. Tamra’s tongue is bleeding, Alexis thinks it was God’s will, and the screeching is just too much. Tamra calls Terry to discuss her medical emergency. Tamra tells Heather it would not have happened if she was there, and Heather apologizes for being a working actress. I hate this show. Did I say that already? Hate it. Terry is talking to Heather about what a great actress she is. Not sure I can blog this show anymore. I may be drunk, but I’m keeping it real.
July 14, 2013 | 10:06 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
It is hard to know who the dumbest is of this bunch, but bless them, they are all really dumb. I don’t care what their jobs are, what their education is, or whether or not they live at home, this has got to be the dumbest group of women on television. It is simply mind boggling that this show is on, and even more fascinating that we are watching. By we, of course I mean me. I get paid to write about reality television, but this is pushing it, even for me. I will finish out the season, but there is no way I will do another one.
That people are watching this show and thinking it is how all Jewish women are, pisses me off. By pisses me off of course I mean I am drinking. Tonight I am joined by Captain Morgan, who is generously sponsoring all of my typos this evening. Thank you Captain. We start off with Erica, Amanda, and Joey working out together. They run for a second, then stop to gossip. Amanda has one of her drink hankies on her water bottle and I am laughing. To clarify, I am laughing at her. Erica is clearly constipated.
Joey tells the girls about her falling out with Ashlee at the speed dating party and Amanda and Erica throw Ashlee under the bus by telling Joey she is talking smack about her. Joey cries because Ashlee called her a bad person. Really? You are not a bad person Joey. You are a bitch, and an idiot, and a fame whore, and a loser, but bless your heart, you are not a bad person. Important to note that I am being totally sarcastic and you are in fact a bad person. You are inherently mean, just like Bethenny.
Joey says she always takes the high road. Really? If there is a high road in hell. She tells the girls she is going to meet with Ashlee to talk it through. Blah. Blah. Blah. Cut to Chanel, who is meeting with her Rabbi. Love the Rabbi, but I am not digging Chanel like I did in the beginning. She is out of control with the whining and the crying. I think she’s not completely honest, using the show to reinvent herself, and not true to her religious self. Sidebar: Her clothes make me question her level of observance.
She is clearly struggling with her behavior on the show in terms of her faith, but she is losing that struggle and coming across badly. She is crying to the Rabbi about not having a man. For the love of God, enough already. You’ll meet a man Chanel, but you better check yourself because with each episode you are making that harder. Cut to Erica and Rob who are house hunting so they can live together. Really? Erica does not love him, is cheating with other men, has a drinking problem, and Rob should run.
Listening to Erica talk about having a baby makes me want to stick pins in my eyes. Shut up Erica. Shut up. We jump to Amanda and Jeff, who are having a meal with his parents. They are adorable. Amanda does not know how to pronounce knish, bless her, and proceeds to order a turkey sandwich with Swiss, at a kosher deli. Moron. The mom is wearing the grandmother’s ring, with the implication Jeff is going to propose and it is sweet. I think they will get married, live happily ever after, and share a hot pool boy.
Important to note that everyone on this show chews with their mouth full and it makes me sick. Where are the table manners? Over to Chanel, she is looking at Maid of Honor dresses at home with her entire family. The guy who owns the dress shop is an Israeli guy who is interested in Chanel, so he is making a house call. I like this family, but I think they are more kosher than Modern Orthodox. I actually feel bad even saying it, but there is something off about the level of observance they are selling.
The dress guy comes and ick. Chanel is inappropriate. She makes fun of religion, tries too hard to be funny, and is simply silly. Dress guy asks her out on a date and she says yes. That is never going to work out. Cut to Ashlee who is having Casey over for dinner with her parents. She does not know how to set a table, and her father is sweet, but creepy in terms of his daughter. It is all quite odd. Ashlee is useless in the kitchen, and presumably the bedroom, so finding a husband might be a stretch.
Casey is continuing her girl crush on Ashlee and comes for dinner. She talks about “dick sizes” in front of the parents and it is rude. Casey gets mad at me for calling her names on Twitter, and I have apologized, but the facts are what they are. She is very pretty, but totally unappealing. She does not like to be called stupid, and I said I wouldn’t call her stupid again. Luckily I have had so much to drink while watching the shit fest that when biting my tongue it does not hurt because it is numb. We’re off to the beach.
Erica and Amanda are at the beach. Erica says it is time for the eagle to fly the coop. Really? Dear Lord, what a bunch of morons. I am skipping over the beach scene. They are talking about their respective relationships and I just can’t. Time for Chanel’s date and her sister drops her off in Brooklyn. Really? She couldn’t drive herself? She is wearing a bra under a see through shirt. Modern Orthodox? Right. It is her first date and she is going to him? In hooker shoes? They are eating and I could care less.
Chanel is wearing an insane amount of make up, their date is awkward, and I am cringing. Her date is a bit of a pig who believes the woman should cook and clean. Chanel is not into it, probably because she does not know how to cook and clean. The numbness of my tongue has now spread to my gums. He invites her up to see his apartment, then tells her she is moody. Chanel checks out of the date and I am wondering if her sister is coming to get her. I really hate this show. Hate it. These girls are horrible.
Amanda is talking to her mother about getting married to Jeff, and Babs is not into it. Babs does not think they are ready to get married, Amanda says she is jealous, Babs is concerned since they have only been dating six months and need time to get to know each other properly. The girl is 27 years old and her mother tells her she cannot get engaged. Who are these people? I’m with Babs in terms of her advise, but the advise to a woman Amanda’s age is just weird. Funny how Casey cannot pronounce the word weird.
Ashlee and Joey meet for a drink. Joey is a bitch, and Ashlee is harmless, so aggression seems misguided. Joey calls out Ashlee for saying such horrible things about her, and Ashlee tells Joey she thinks she is mean. Joey does not know what she has done to be called mean, and Ashlee does not understand how Joey does not know she is mean. They are now arguing about who said what, comebacks, and it is insane. Joey is high school, Ashlee is back peddling, and they are now having a serious fight. Shameful.
Joey tells Ashlee she is funny, Ashlee agrees she is funny, Joey calls her funny looking. Meeting over. Ashlee leaves and immediately calls her dad, while Joey calls Amanda. Ashlee is offended to have her looks brought into it, and Joey is laughing to Amanda about putting her foot in her mouth. Joey follows Ashlee out and approaches her to talk, but Ashlee tells her to get away from her. Joey complains to Amanda that she handled it wrong, then goes out into the street and calls Ashlee two faced. Ugh.
Joey calls Amanda back and starts crying because she is not a bad person. Newsflash, yes you are. Joey is a mean girl and it shows. This show is truly horrible. There are not enough cute moments to make the bad moments worth watching. In the teaser for next week we will get to see Chanel cry about her younger sister getting married first. Oy vey. Chanel was the reason I kept watching, but with each week she is a little less sweet and entertaining. My saying so is just keeping it real.