Posted by Ilana Angel
We are now in St. Croix with Bachelor Sean and the remaining six women. Two will go home this week leaving the final four for the hometown dates next week. It is just so drawn out at this point. Two hours is not needed. By not needed of course I mean it is torturous. This show should be on as a recap for 15 minutes every week online so we can skip the two painful hours. I have margaritas tonight, thank God.
The ladies are dolled up in their best Old Navy clothes, walking through their hotel room. Tierra decides she is going to set up a cot in a sitting room rather than bunk with the other girls. She is a lunatic and I wonder how many of her bags are actually holding her meds. AshLee gets the first one-on-one which thrills her and pisses off Tierra. Tierra calls AshLee a cougar because she is the oldest one there at 32.
By nightmare of course I mean when this show is over she is going to milk her 15 minutes and we will see her everywhere. AshLee was so sweet when she first spoke of her adoption and finding a family, but now it is gross. She is going on and on about her struggles and it is no longer cute. She is a whiner and better knock it off already. Back at the house the other women are hoping AshLee rats out Tierra and her bad behavior.
AshLee uses her alone time with Sean to talk about the instability of Tierra. Tattling is never a good thing on this show, but she is doing it anyway. Sean has been annoyed by tattling up to now, but all of a sudden he is grateful for the tattling because Ashlee is so honest and he can trust her. Hang on a minute there Sparky. Sean is as sweet as he is dumb. The romantic music while AshLee talks about their love is making me nauseous.
Tierra gets the next one-on-one date and it appears to be a day exploring the town. That is not good enough for her. She is complaining about the heat and bugs rather than be excited that she is finally getting a date with Sean. She is a miserable bitch and I image she did not plan to be here this long and is quickly running out of her meds. Meanwhile back with AshLee and Sean, she is going to reveal a deep, dark secret from her past.
AshLee tells Sean she got married at 17 and is divorced. She spoke about how blessed she was to have such a wonderful family, now tells us she hated her mom and to escape her and piss her off, she got married while she was a junior in high school, and got divorced by 18. Born again virgin Sean is not marrying this chick. Bless her. He is not going for this and cannot even hide his surprise and disgust. He still makes out with her though.
Tierra gets her date and looks dirty. They shop and he buys her stuff that means nothing to him and everything to her. A parade miraculously appears down Main Street and they join in for dancing. Tierra is medicated and I would love to have one minute to go through her purse. Back at the house AshLee tells the girls she ratted out Tierra so they are happy.
Sean, as directed by the producers, wants to talk about what is going on in the house. Tierra says the reason the other girls hate her is because of him giving her the first rose. He set her up for failure. Interesting ploy. She tells him at dinner that she feels distance between them. Man she is good. She is playing Sean like a fiddle and showing how dumb he is.
The girls are assuming there will be a fight between Tierra and AshLee. It will be lame which is a drag because I am hammered and some chick fighting would be awesome right now. Sean goes to wake up the three group date chicks at 4 am for their day. I am skipping over this because it is too stupid. Even drunk I know this is too stupid. Not good for ABC.
The date is to be the first people in the United States to see the sunrise, then drive across the island and watch the sunset at the end of the date. Perfect date if you ask me. Shame it is them and not me and my Englishman. Some of these great dates are wasted on dumb people. I have nothing against dumb people of course. Except those on The Bachelor.
Lesley gets the next one-on-one date and she is so excited that you know she is going home. On the group date there is one rose and the girls are going to fight for it. Lindsay takes him off and they reminisce about their journey. They are cute and I am ready for this show to be over. He should just pick her I think and get on with it. Enough already.
Catherine takes him off next and tells Sean her Dad will not be on her hometown date because he is in China. He tried to kill himself in front of her when she was 14. Isn’t she the one whose friend died at camp? What the hell is wrong with this chick sharing all this stuff? While heartbreaking stories, she is just weird and I am not into her at all.
It is Desiree’s turn and she starts crying. Oh. My. God. How are these chicks passing their mental evaluations? They are all convinced they will get the date rose because of all their deep sharing, but it goes to Lindsay, who shared nothing. She is just cute and the others must have known that he was going to pass their freaky asses up. Oh dear. Such drama.
Sean is going on his on-on-one date with Lesley. Watching her is like watching paint dry. He is bored and checking in with her to see if she is worth keeping, but he knows it is time for her to go home. She is going on and on about how much she is falling in love with him. Kiss of death. She needs to just go home and meet a nice Republican.
Sean’s sister Shay comes for a visit and brings nothing of interest to the table. Put these two together and we exactly how plain white toast this man is. They are nice, charming, and boring as hell. Sean tells Shay he has concerns with Tierra and they agree Shay should meet her so she can help him decide if she is good, or evil like the girls say.
Tierra confronts AshLee and asks why she is sabotaging her relationship. AshLee is cool and not into a fight. She is a mean girl in the end and I find myself feeling bad for Tierra. Tierra storms off while AshLee goes to talk to the other women. They both accuse each other of lying. AshLee is done, Tierra is calm, and I can feel my liver shriveling up.
AshLee says Tierra’s parents told her she would not do well on the show because chicks don’t like her. Really? Did I miss something? Tierra says her parents told her to not let anyone take away her sparkle. I am now laughing my ass off and it is not only the booze. Did we meet Tierra’s parents and I forgot? I really need to curb my drinking.
Tierra is over it, Sean is there to get her, and I am about to cut myself. Tierra fake cries with no tears and tells Sean how sad she is. She is whining and going on and on about how hard it is and how sensitive it is. She is trying to get a rose up front but in the end she is digging her own grave. He leaves for a minute and she thinks he is going to get a flower.
Instead he goes out for some fresh air and returns to send her home. She is in shock but clearly pissed, then she is out. She puts up no fight which is surprising. He walks her out and the other chicks don’t know what has happened. Tierra apologizes and leaves without any hysterics. This is an epic disappointment and shame of ABC for giving us this crap.
Tierra needed to go home because she was out of medicine. She looses it in the car for a second but who cares. She is crying that she wants to go home and cursing the girls, hoping they got what they wanted. She then must have taken a pill because she goes from hysterical to fuzzy in an instant. Crazy has gone home and one more is right behind her.
Sean comes in and tells the women Tierra has gone home and there is not a cocktail party, only a rose ceremony. AshLee is worried she is going home and cries to add some punch. Lesley is going home but Catherine is crying. Why is Catherine crying? Lesley is crying too but she is cool while Catherine is just weird. Catherine thinks she should have gone.
Catherine will bow out next week and it will be gross. I am not reading any spoilers and so I honestly don’t know how it will end but I’m guessing wedding dress Lindsay is the big winner. By big winner of course I mean big loser because it won’t last. I love the hometown dates so next week will be fun and require less booze for me to keep it real.
12.7.13 at 8:49 am | What the hell is Bravo giving us?
12.7.13 at 7:29 am | I'm not going to lie, these women and the men. . .
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire.
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television.
12.2.13 at 7:12 am | I was bored with all the jumping around.
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . .
12.1.13 at 9:20 am | The constant end endless desire to hurt someone. . . (4352)
12.3.13 at 10:31 am | Liar, liar, pants on fire. (4258)
12.2.13 at 7:09 pm | Second week in a row of boring television. (3640)
February 12, 2013 | 8:06 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
The ladies of the south are back and I have missed them. I love blogging about them because they are crazy. There is not enough Nene for my tastes, but here we are so let the games begin. We are starting off with Porsha dress shopping and I am pouring drink number one. By drink number one of course I mean I am on my second drink. God bless my liver.
Porsha is at home having had a bunch of dresses delivered. She is with her sister and her mom. Does anyone else think her mom looks like Beyonce’s mom? Porsha is just so dumb. Listening to her talk makes me laugh because it is as if she is struggling to pronounce the easiest of words. She reminds me so much of Melissa Gorga. They may actually share one brain.
It is a little creepy to me how concerned with her husband her mother and sister are. I guess everyone sucks up to the cash cow. Off to Phaedra, she is at Kandi’s for a visit. Kandi offers her Kool Aid or iced tea, then makes it from powder. Strange. If you knew she was coming why wouldn’t it be ready and cooling in the fridge? Kandi is odd and Phaedra is fake.
Kandi jumps right into the gossip and as much I like Phaedra, she is not a good enough actress to hide how mean she is deep down. She can put on the southern charm, but we all know. Kandi loves to gossip and it makes her unappealing. Over with Kenya, she is having a biopsy on lumps found in her breast. It is a scary thing and I feel for her.
That said, her green contact lenses are giving my vertigo and I cannot look at her as she speaks. Her doctor is lovely but do we really need to watch the procedure? Does Bravo think they are doing a public service? Dear Bravo, we are all drunk and so while it is important, we are skipping over the entire thing. Kenya is a crazy person. Bless her.
Porsha is looking at a venue for a party and her sister and niece are there. The baby is losing it and Porsha does not know what to do. Babies love her so she is confused. The baby is in full blown melt down and it is perfection. Porsha is painful to watch. We jump to Cynthia who is talking about how brilliant she is, then talks smack about Porsha to her staff.
Porsha comes to a meeting with Cynthia, who is upset she moved the meeting from her house to the office. Porsha says her husband is out of town and she does not have people to her home, but Cynthia and her staff are being rude and bitchy. Porsha’s cleaning lady calls and she takes the call while Cynthia gets even more pissed off. Cynthia is as dumb as Porsha.
Porsha is talking with her husband and he is horrible. I don’t know if he is trying to be funny, but he is condescending and rude. Porsha is trying to talk to him but he is being bossy and it is not cute. Porsha says everyone is guilty until proven guilty. She is a dingbat and her husband is a pig. We jump to Kandi trying to sell something new. A gospel album.
Kandi tells us she has no time to be creative. Really? She needs to have time to be creative? She tells us she has gained weight, but is not pregnant. She is in love and wants to focus on making money. Back with Porsha and Cynthia, they are meeting again so Porsha can check her, but Cynthia has her own agenda. Their friendship is fake and scripted.
Cynthia fires Porsha. She feels she is not focused and so she does not need her help. Porsha is surprised and I am bored. I am half a bottle in at 38 minutes. We get a quick minute of Nene but it is all a tease and we are not seeing her this week. Such a drag. She makes this show interesting and we hardly ever see her. Getting a quick look makes it worse.
I don’t think Kandi is that great of a singer so spending so much time on her singing is boring. She is turning to God and wants to sing about it. I love gospel music and wish her well, but enough already. Do people buy her records? Is she a big deal and I just don’t know it? She is staying prayed up and I like it, but would never listen to it other than here.
It is time for Porsha’s party and she is ready for her hubs turning 40. She looks like the perfect Tranny Barbie. The party looks empty and quite lame, but there is a step and repeat with all the sponsors and it shows that everything about Porsha is fake. This is about money, not her husband turning 40. Kandi arrives and Porsha is too dumb to believe.
Cynthia and Peter arrive, out of respect, even though she just fired Porsha’s ass. Porsha is “perterd” with Cynthia and I am dying. Walter arrives, but Kenya is not invited. Gross that she invited him. He’s not a part of the group, she is, and there are rules. This is breaking one as far as I am concerned. Walter confirms they are broken up to Peter.
Cordell talks to Cynthia and Peter about keeping steady and not fighting with Porsha. He is talking about the girls but looking at Peter. Cordell is a pig and he has no respect for his wife other than as a trophy. A really shiny and pretty, but hollow trophy. Important to note that Kenya does not have cancer and can move ahead with being miserable and crazy.
These women are fun to watch because they are crazy and predictable. We know they are going to act out and try to hurt each other because that is how they roll, but it turns out the main reason this show is watchable at all is because if NeNe. With her essentially gone this week I was bored and she is not here next week I am out. NeNe is what is keeping it real.
February 11, 2013 | 6:51 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
We start the first episode in the new time slot with a review of the tension between Adrienne and Brandi. The opening shot is of Kyle putting on her makeup, which seems to be a favorite of hers. She is showing us how many extra clothes she has and fake laughs with her horrible husband. She gossips to him about Lisa being upset in Vegas and her wanting to go and iron things out with her. She tells Mauricio he knows how much she hates this stuff, and I am laughing my ass off. Kyle LOVES this stuff. She is now creating her own camera time. Bless her. Bitch.
Kyle arrives to Lisa’s house and after a quick minute Lisa gets into it with her. I love Lisa. Kyle tells Lisa she did not think she needed to be defended, and then blows smoke up her ass. Kyle says everyone is fighting and didn’t want it to get worse, which is a truckload of crap. Kyle likes to fight. So much so that she starts most of them. Kyle says she never should have mentioned Adrienne and again, I am laughing. Am I drunk? Perhaps a little, but I am laughing at the shear silliness of it all. Kyle then says that all the problems can be traced back to Brandi. Bitch.
Lisa is not allowing Kyle to sweep everything under the rug and I am loving it. Kyle is an idiot, Lisa is a lady, and in the end you can’t fight with stupid. Lisa asks Kyle to simply apologize for not defending her, but Kyle won’t say it. She then fake cries. Not because she is upset, but rather because she knows the cameras are rolling, we will all see it and once again see that she is a wretched bitch. Kyle crashes and burns, Lisa is clearly hurt, and in trying to be funny, Kyle shows her black and wicked heart. She loves to be on camera but forgets that we are all watching.
Brandi is visiting with Yolanda, who says she appreciates Brandi’s honesty. Yolanda pulls the poverty card because she is only able to afford one horse. Really? Between her current husband, and her other one, she is not hurting for money I’m sure. It made her look ridiculous. Brandi thanks Yolanda for defending her in Vegas, and shares she is nervous about the tea party Lisa is having because she will be with Adrienne. I like Yolanda and Brandi together. Nice to see beautiful women with big balls. That said, Yolanda talking about how poor she is, is offensive.
Yolanda reminds Brandi that Adrienne is a nobody in the big scheme of things and she should not be intimidated by her rich girl bullying. At the tea we see exactly how spectacular Lisa’s home is. There is not a lemon in sight and Yolanda has nothing on this chick. Jax and Peter from Vanderpump Rules are there to tend bar and it is hilarious. Brandi arrives first and notices the men, then turns quickly to her nerves. I adore Lisa and Brandi together. Sidebar: Having seen them together at Brandi’s book launch, I saw their authentic feelings for each other and love their friendship more.
Taylor arrives and gives Lisa a vibrator as a gift. It is not wrapped, and simply odd. Taylor is a hot mess and Brandi points out that she could have gotten something special like butt beads. I freaking love Brandi and Taylor makes me itchy. We get a quick look at Giggy and can we just stop for a minute to say this is the most fantastic dog ever. Ever. After the tour is over the bitches start to arrive. It going to get really ugly, really fast and surprisingly, I am dreading it more than I’m excited about it. Of course Bravo is teasing us and it will be anticlimactic.
Marisa arrives, Adrienne stops on her way to pick up Kyle and Faye. Faye? Why is the shit eating monkey going? I don’t believe Lisa would invite her. Back at Lisa’s, Marisa says that after 16 years of marriage she could use a change in terms of sex. Dear Lord. This chick just can’t stop bashing her husband. She is mean and I am embarrassed for her husband. She better start being more careful because he is watching her throw him under the bus constantly. Lisa is preparing the group for Adrienne’s visit while Kyle is prepping Adrienne for the visit. Dear Lord.
Lisa confirms that Faye was not invited to the tea and is not sure whey Kyle brought her. Adrienne is ignoring Brandi, Brandi is drinking, and Camille shows up. I thought she was gone? She needs to cut loose and go away. Kim calls to say she was on her way to the house and got hit in the face by her dog. Seriously? Was the dog in the car? Whatever. Kim is drunk, her excuses are lame, and I am over her. That Bravo is keeping this woman on is horrific and they should be ashamed of themselves . Kyle of course laughs at her sister and it is disgusting. Bitch.
The tea is fabulous and I am both impressed and jealous. Lisa makes a toast to everyone and Brandi does not clink with Adrienne, Lisa sees it, and makes her do it. They are the Ethel and Lucy of Beverly Hills. They try to get Taylor to do a back flip so everyone can check out her ass, and she says if she breaks her neck she will sue, since the group like to sue so much. Bam. Love it. Good for Taylor. Then she wrecks it by reminding Kyle that she sent her and Russell away from her white party last year. Taylor is unable to have a conversation that is not about her.
Lisa takes Brandi and Taylor away from the table and reprimands Taylor for talking crap about lawsuits. Taylor agrees to stop doing it, then goes to sit down and immediately tells Adrienne that Brandi is saying she is suing. Taylor is mentally unstable, Adrienne is nervous, Lisa and Brandi come back, and Taylor immediately starts up with the lawsuit again. Brandi is trying to take the high road, but Taylor will not let it go. Adrienne denies suing Brandi, Camille supports Adrienne, and Brandi is not having it. Lisa sits there and does not defend Brandi which is unfortunate.
Adrienne calls out Brandi for tweeting about her and her “camp”, while Brandi insists that Adrienne is suing her. We are 55 minutes and finally get to the good stuff only to discover the good stuff is not that good and only lasts a minute. Damn you Bravo. Adrienne says Brandi tweets about Bernie. Well we all know Bernie is a schmuck and getting paid to talk shit about Brandi. Adrienne is offended by Brandi, and Brandi wants her to admit she is suing her. Adrienne says Brandi is obsessed with her and Adrienne is lying out of her ass. Brandi leaves and it is annoying.
Why does Lisa not insist that Brandi sit back down and ask Adrienne to leave? It was all a big tease by Bravo and I am disappointed in this episode. I am bored with Brandi having to defend herself to the group all the time. Adrienne is a liar and that these women don’t see it proves that their Botox has done damage to their brains. We are crawling through the mud and I am ready for it to be over because Bravo is not respecting me as a viewer. Time for these women to stop injecting and realize that Adrienne is garbage and Brandi is actually keeping it real.
February 11, 2013 | 4:38 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
We start the finale by wasting ten minutes on a season recap. Really? We barely made it through the season the first time and they are making us watch the crap all over again. We are back at Sammy’s house for the party from hell. Lily is still complaining, Asa is still bitching, GG is still attacking, and I could honestly not care any less. GG gives a fake apology to Asa but Asa is not having it. Asa is very odd and her ramblings about being a Persian Priestess and diamond water make me laugh at her.
Her vocabulary sounds like a teenage boy on the schoolyard trying to sound cool. Asa is rude and juvenile, but tries to come across as deep and spiritual. If Asa were as calm and at one with herself as she wants us to think she is, she would not speak as she does. The only thing more annoying than Asa is Lily. Reza is trying to get GG to make up with Asa and no matter how much fame has gone to his head, he really should have his own show. GG tries to fix the situation and Asa responds with total bitchiness.
They go into some whack thing and I am checking out. GG’s very small mouth is distracting, Lily’s makeup is ridiculous, Asa’s leaving is childish, and in the end GG is sitting alone with Sammy. Sammy is delicious and that he is out as a main cast mate is a drag. I wish Sammy had stayed and Lily had never joined in. I like these people so much that I am sad when they act idiotic. In the words of Reza, it is a complete sh*t show and he could not have made it any sh*ttier if he had tried. Amen.
MJ is shopping with her mother and it is sad. She is an overbearing mother. We all have one so why they choose to embarrass this woman is a mystery. She is harsh and mean on occasion, but she is what she is, she loves her daughter, and I hope they can get past the public humiliation and get to a healthy place. MJ is lovely and I hope she finds peace. While MJ shops, Lily goes to visit Asa. Everything about Asa and Lily annoys me. I don’t get the appeal of either of these women. Nails on a chalkboard.
Lily says the man she has loved for 11 years cheated on her, and she is finally ready to walk away because there is no trust. She then does the classic reality TV fake cry with a cracking voice and no tears. Lily says she deserves a better man, Asa agrees and shares the universe can help her. Dear Lord. We then jump to Asa’s rehearsal for her concert. Her outfit is interesting. I am so sick of her interviews with the Boy George black hat. How is it that people are actually going to buy her water?
Asa cannot sing and shake her head at the same time and the admission has me laughing hysterically. Just when I am ready to mock her again, we skip to Mike. He is telling his parents he is in love and she is not Persian or Jewish. I think it is horrible that he chose to do this on the show and the reaction of his parents looks fake and planned. It is the right response of course, but it looks scripted. As a Jewish mother I can assure you there would have been a tear or two shed. That’s how we roll.
Reza is with his boyfriend Adam and it is just awkward. He appears to just not be that into it. He started off as this great gay man and he is now becoming a sleazy pig. Such a shame. I love him though and am most excited to see him on the reunion next week. Asa is getting ready for her show, going through her rituals while Lily goes through hers. The lacquer this chick piles on her face and hair is insane. Does anyone else think it is weird we don’t see Asa’s boyfriend on the most important day of her life?
Important to note that as Asa is in her dressing room getting her hair and makeup done, on what is the most important day of her life, she drinks Smart Water rather than her diamond water. All the people who have pre-ordered her diamond water should pay attention to that. Even she is not drinking it. Would the magival powers not have helped calm and center her? How does one say "complete and total crap" in Farsi? Diamond water is just another way to make money off people who are really dumb.
We meet MJ’s boyfriend “Drizzy”, and he is darling. I like him and think they are cute together. GG is getting ready for her own event and we see she has virtually no hair without her extensions. Back with Asa, her mom comes to visit her and it is really touching. I love her mom. It is the first time I find myself liking Asa. To hear her speak about her artistic freedom and how her life would be different in Iran is really touching. I will not like her again in a minute, but I am loving her right now.
GG is skipping Asa’s event and going out with Anita, who by the way has had some really unfortunate Botox done. We are told they are best friends now and I am laughing. Bravo scripted their friendship. I feel bad for GG and hope she gets back into the good graces of the group. Asa is taking the stage and her outfit is confusing. Bless her for rocking her body. To watch her mother dance to her song made me cry. Yes I have been drinking, but still, don’t judge. Asa does her thing and it’s a wrap.
Everyone congratulates Asa and it is weird GG is not included. The season in over and I am glad. They will be back I’m sure and I really hope they check their egos at the door and come back real. The reunion trailer shows that there is still major fighting and the group is torn apart, so who knows what will happen in the end. They finish off with a food fight in Asa’s trailer and we are reminded that they are immature children, and not able to act their ages or keep it real.
February 6, 2013 | 8:07 am
Posted by Ilana Angel
I have been complaining for a very long time that this show does not need to be 2 hours long each week. It is simply painful to sit through so much crap, and blogging it is near impossible. It is only through the constant support of my friend Merlot that I am able to do it. This week however, the folks at The Bachelor have lost their minds and crossed over into hell.
They are showing 4 hours of The Bachelor this week. FOUR hours. Really? How is it possible these people can torture the very people who watch and support their crapfest? It is asking a lot of their fans. By fans of course I mean we only really care about the last hour of the season and all this fluff and crap is ridiculous. I am frustrated, annoyed, and drunk.
The remaining desperate women are off to Montana for the first leg of the travels to find love. Lindsay gets the first date and they take off in a helicopter. Lindsay you’ll recall got out of the limo on the first night in a wedding dress and almost blew it. She is now a frontrunner. By frontrunner of course I mean Sean is making all the women think they are the one.
Lindsay has never felt so close to someone and feels like she has known him forever. If forever means two weeks, then yes. If forever means how long we feel we have been watching this garbage, then yes. Sean seems awkward with everyone and has obviously been cracking open the Harlequin Romance novels because everything he says is scripted and fake sounding.
The amount of kissing we are asked to watch, including the slurping noises and tongue thrust shots, make me itchy. Lindsay and Sean are making out while the group date card arrives to the lodge. Everyone else is going except for Jackie and Tierra. Tierra is a freak show and Jackie is invisible so I’m surprised she is even still there. This show is so predictable.
Sean and Lindsay get their country music concert and I’m ready to check out. The thing is, the bottle of wine is next to me and the remote is too far to reach so I am stuck blogging, drinking, and wanting to jam shards of glass into my eyes. Instead of ending my misery, I am now watching a competition that involves a bunch of complete silliness.
The winners get to spend the rest of the day with Sean and the losers go back to the lodge. They have to canoe, move hay, the milk a goat and drink the milk. Really? I am not drinking goat milk straight from the goat for anyone. Especially when there are still 11 chicks making out with the same guy. These women are desperate and embarrassing themselves.
Sean decides he needs all the women there and invites the losers to join them. Not cool. If I drank goat milk to win and had them then included I would be pissed off. The winners are angry, the losers are thrilled, and Sarah gets a few minutes with Sean. I honestly just don’t get him keeping Sarah around. They are not a match and have no chemistry.
The losers are talking about how Sean bringing them back shows his character and how wonderful he is. Really? Sean had nothing to do with it. It is scripted girls and he was told to do it. He does and says nothing without being told. Meanwhile Tierra is getting crazy and goes to hunt down Sean. She was fun in the beginning but now she is lame. Enough already.
Tierra talks to Sean and it is gross. That she is still there is insane and proves that Sean is, while attractive and sweet, a complete dumbass. Sean is telling each of the women the same thing. They are all frustrated and he assures them all they are in the running. Dear Lord make it stop. I wish I had trained my cat to bring me the remote control. Damn it.
You can swap out the women with Sean and it does not matter because it is all the same. Daniella is crying because she feels left out and I want to kill myself. He tells her what he tells everyone else, then they kiss. Crying clearly works because Daniella gets the date rose and she was on the losing team. The bitches are going to start to turn on each other.
Jackie and Tierra are on their double date. One will stay and one will go. Since Jackie is invisible and Tierra is the token crazy, Jackie is going home so we can skip over the whole thing. Important to note that Jackie tells Sean Tierra is crazy and we all know that Sean is not into the tattling. Poor Jackie. She spent no time with him yet cries at the loss of love.
Sidebar: Tierra tells Sean that her last love died of an overdose and while tragic and sad, I’m not buying it. It is cocktail party time and desperation is the name of the game. Everyone takes him aside to plead their cases and I am bored. They need to get new people and stop recycling the Bachelor. We need fresh blood so we can stop with the “I’ve been there” crap.
Robin confronts Tierra on having two faces and Tierra is not into it. Mean girls are out so Robin can start packing. Tierra is a professional crazy and these chicks are not qualified to handle her. Tierra is taking Robin down a notch as Sean walks through but he’s not getting it. Tierra says getting engaged is easy. Poor girl is seriously unstable. I’m over it.
Sean does not know what to think. Well Sean, that happens when you are really, really dumb. He is now all upset because the nagging is getting on his nerves and sucking the joy out of the experience for him. Blah, blah, blah. He is going to follow his heart. Translation: He is going to let go who the producers tell him to cut loose. I hate this show.
Chris Harrison is talking to Sean and I am yanking my hair out one at a time. I am not listening to what they say, but rather paying attention to my liver, which I can actually feel dying. Chris tells the fame whores there is clearly tension and it is due to the fact that Sean is taking it all so seriously. Dear Lord. How can I sit through another 2 hours? HOW?
Robin goes home, I am going to bed, and will awake tomorrow with a fresh bottle of wine and ready to tackle it all again. By ready of course I mean plastered. We are being teased with a near death freezing and of course some Tierra drama, but honestly I can hardly bring myself to care. I only care about the last show so why do I bother with this crap?
Night two begins with Canada and so I’m thinking I might be able to suffer through it all. I am a proud Canadian and have spent a lot of time at Lake Louise so seeing it is wonderful. The girls are all there, Sean is recovering from his difficult past week, and the madness is on again. Catherine gets the first one on one date and it is on.
Catherine is waiting out in a blizzard, classic Canadian, and I am wondering why she didn’t color her hair before she went on the show. They are heading to Jasper to see glaciers and I am so jealous. It is freezing out, snowing, and she says she never gets cold when she is with Sean. Really? I am 5 minutes in and am guessing it will be a 3 glass of wine night.
They are in an ice castle and it is insanely romantic. Catherine is in love. The date card arrives to the hotel for the group date and Daniela does not get the next one on one, Des does. She cries because she is confused and I am laughing. You are confused Sweetie, because you are dumb. Bless your heart. Catherine is rambling and I am bored again.
Catherine explains that at 12 a friend died in front of her at summer camp. Shocking and heartbreaking, but total buzz kill. Dear Lord. Catherine gets a rose, they make out, and it is time for the group date. They are going to canoe across the lake and listening to Sarah talk about the struggles of canoeing with one arm being worth it for Sean is uncomfortable.
How is it that they could not canoe when they had their challenge last night, but are darting across a lake now? They are going to now run into the freezing cold water in order to join the Polar Bear Club. Sean tells them they don’t have to do it if they don’t want to, but he hopes they will. This is ridiculous and I would not do it. What a load of crap.
Selma is not doing it and even though Sean is pressuring her, she is not doing it and even calls the Bagdad card. Love it. The rest of the ladies all do it. There is a lot of screaming and celebration while Selma sulks a little. Sean is having a moment with AshLee then strolls over to the tent where Tierra is dying. She is rushed off by the medic and it is quite scary.
She could be faking of course, it is Tierra. The dramatic music is hilarious, and the camera guy chasing after them gorilla style to not miss a thing is making me pee. She is fine of course, and bless her I’m sure it was rough, but enough already with the hysteria. Sean goes to visit and it is stupid. He is not into her and the Producer’s needs to cut her loose already.
They are all together for a drink and everyone is proud of what they accomplished. Everyone is taking him aside to profess their love and it really is quite entertaining. Like getting a root canal is entertaining. Sarah’s hair is a mess, but she brings a family picture to show him. She is talking about her arm again and I am so over it. No arm, we get it. Move on.
Tierra drags her dying body out of bed and heads to the party. Everyone is talking about her of course and the editing would imply that they drink as much as we do when they put this show together. They call her Tierra-ist, which is fantastic. Everyone is pissed off she is there and you know her days are numbered. I hope she goes tonight.
Leslie gets the group date rose and Tierra is visibly pissed off. She almost died! Sean realizes that he has been leading Sarah on and feels bad so he goes to send her home. She was never going to be it and to listen to him blow smoke up her ass is bad. She is crushed, he is uncomfortable, and she goes home. About time asshole. Sarah is darling and it is horrible.
Sarah’s departing speech is tough and I knew this would happen. He kept her too long. He felt sorry for her and in the end broke her heart. Not cool. Des is on her date and I have never seen anyone so excited about the thought of a picnic. This show sucks. They are going to propel off a mountain. She is scared, I am sticking my straw under my fingernails.
Des talks of how poor she was and that she lived in a tent and trailer park as a kid because her parents had no money. It is sweet and how she talks about her childhood is really lovely. I am not getting soft and refuse to buy into this garbage. Pouring more wine! Des gets the date rose, Sean blows smoke up her ass, they make out, and we are moving on.
It’s cocktail party time and everyone is complaining about Tierra. Again. Selma didn’t jump in the water, but she gives him a kiss and in so doing brings shame and humiliation to her family. AshLee talks about being abandoned and I am rolling my eyes. They are all so desperate and embarrassing themselves for a man they don’t even know.
Tierra gets a rose and it is brilliant. By brilliant of course I mean scripted. Selma embarrasses her entire family with a kiss, then gets the boot. Daniela never got a one on one date and she is shocked to be cut. Really? He spent no time with you Sweetie, you were never getting a rose. She reminds me of Busy Phillips and her crying is giving me a headache.
Sean is down to six and so the end is in sight. They are leaving my beloved Canada and heading off to St. Croix. AshLee will try to get Tierra kicked off, which will make him like Tierra more. It is exhausting. Four hours of The Bachelor is just too much and I will be sending my rehab bill to Mike Fleiss. I will be back next week, drinking, and keeping it real.
February 4, 2013 | 7:19 pm
Posted by Ilana Angel
We pick up with the ladies in Vegas for Brandi’s practice run at her girls night out job. By ladies of course I mean there a couple of ladies, a couple of hags, and a couple of straight up bitches. It is so funny to watch the forced interactions of these women. You can tell who really likes one another and who is there because they are paid to be.
Everyone is taking a shot on the pole and Marisa says it is not sexy. What is sexy to her is being successful and independent, not relying on a man to support her. Really? This chick drops her husband’s family name every two minutes, and has yet to tell us what her job is. Sidebar: does anyone else think that at certain angles she looks like LeAnn Rimes?
That was mean. Sorry Marisa. LeAnn is a disgusting and pathetic excuse for a woman, with a rather unfortunate face, so I apologize. You are cute. It’s your hair that is unfortunate. Back in Beverly Hills Adrienne is out peddling her shoes and handbags, while bashing Brandi for doing her pole-dancing gig. Adrienne Maloof is a bitter undersexed hag who needs servicing.
By servicing of course I mean this woman needs to get laid. Dear Lord. She is so uptight just looking at her gets me wound up. In Vegas, I am starting to really like Yolanda. She is fun and supportive of her friendships, which I dig in a woman. Lisa is hilarious. As funny and fabulous as Lisa is, Kyle is as annoying and repulsive. I do not dig Ms. Kyle Richards.
Marisa tries to get on the pole but it is not happening for her. Bless her. Kyle is so jealous of Brandi and her body that it is fantastic to watch her turn green with envy. Kyle is a bitch and Camille is useless here. She quit so she needs to just go away and stop showing up. Important to note: I have had a crappy day and am taking it out on these chicks.
In the car after the pole lesson, Kyle gets a scripted call from Kim, who tells her she is getting a nose job. That this call is on speaker is ridiculous, but the look on Kyle’s face that her sister made a huge decision without sharing it with her is perfection. Kyle has no relationship with her sister and we all know it. We all like her sister more, which embarrasses her.
Now everyone knows Kim is going under the knife. Interesting choice for someone so newly sober, as she will need painkillers, but whatever. Yolanda seems genuinely concerned and says she thinks going under the knife is dangerous and she is not supportive. Is she not supportive of Kim doing it or anyone doing it? She has clearly done it herself so I’m a little confused.
Kim is at the surgeon with her assistant. I’m guessing sober companion is a better title, but none of my business. Kim Richards is weird. That said, she really is lovely at her core. She is a quirky woman and I can’t help but like her. She is silly and childlike, but I think inherently kind and authentic. Unlike her house stealing, jealous, fame whore sister Kyle.
Adrienne is with her fake husband Paul at laser hair removal. Adrienne is mean and hideous. Kim is out of surgery and the first thing she talks about with the doctor is pain medicine. Sad. Kyle says she wishes she could have been there for Kim when she got out of surgery. Translation: She wishes she had known so she could have more camera time.
Back in Vegas the girls are together for one last night. Everyone is dolled up and looking fabulous. Marisa is dropping names again and it is sad. She talks about Babs then Kyle disses Babs, which is simply unacceptable. Kyle is an ignorant troll and she has crossed the line. No one, and I mean no one, talks bad about Ms. Barbra Streisand you idiot.
The dinner starts with Kyle babbling, and a commercial for the Four Seasons. Jennifer Gimenez is at dinner as a friend of Brandi and I love her. She is sober, an addiction specialist, and a kind hearted soul who should be around more often. I love Jen, hate Kyle, and am bored with a conversation about a woman who is not there and cannot participate.
Camille says she feels bad Adrienne is not there. Here we go. Why even bring it up Camille? Do these chicks get paid extra to stick to the script? Jennifer backs up what Adrienne has been saying to Brandi. It is all coming out. Brandi is sticking to her guns. By guns of course I mean the truth. Camille is being a baby and she leaves because she got caught.
Camille leaves in a tiff and Kyle runs after her to bring her back. Anything for camera time with this chick. Camille is back, Lisa wants clarity, Brandi wants the truth, and Camille wants to be invisible while stirring the pot. Brandi says Adrienne only owns 2% of The Palms and Kyle thinks that is mean. Dear Lord I wish they would fire Kyle.
Everyone knows who owns what. Camille defends Adrienne and says Lisa does not even own SUR. How old are these chicks? Camille needs to shut up. Yolanda points out that it is not Kyle’s job to defend Adrienne, then calls out Kyle for creating drama. It is official: I love Yolanda. She is a rock star. Kyle needs to stop talking and get her jaw filed down.
Yolanda is out as her hubs sent a private jet for her and a few of the women decided to leave early with her. Lisa is a class act who points out that the silence of your friends hurts more than the words of your enemies. Amen sister. Camille tells Brandi she put her on the spot and sulks off like a two year old. I am so over Vegas. Time to go home ladies.
Kyle goes to visit Kim and it is lame. They are awkward and I can hardly stand to watch them together. The only thing I can do is have another glass of wine. Listening to Kyle talk about how Kim could be fine one day and slip the next makes me want to punch her. I would never punch her of course. She might accidently trip down some stairs though. Kidding.
Lisa is with Ken in the garden telling him about the trip while Kyle is telling Kim the same story. We clearly see Lisa is right and Kyle is wrong. By wrong of course I mean she is a useless tart and nothing she says on this show matters to anyone but her. I’m bored. Next week will bring some fireworks so get your wine ready as we see who is keeping it real.