February 28, 2013 | 2:42 pm

The Bachelor is Down to his Final Two

Posted by Ilana Angel

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Dear Lord. Please make this show end.  I am so bored and at the point where this show is simply painful.  Sean goes on and on about the women and I want to stick my hand down my throat and remove my own kidney so I can throw it at the television.  I will never understand why this show is two hours long.  Mike Fleiss must be banging someone at ABC.  By banging of course I mean supplying them with drugs because there is no way these people are not high.  How else can they think two hours is acceptable?

The recapping they do makes me angry.  We are watching the same thing over and over again.  The actual new content each week is probably about 30 minutes and could be stretched out to an hour, not two hours of complete and total crap.  At minute 15 we finally get new stuff.  We are now in Thailand and on a date with Lindsay.  They are sweet together, I like her, and she is my pick.   Important to note that I am watching along with all of you and do not read any spoilers.  I want to be surprised.

In a desperate attempt to be brave like her fake slutty boyfriend, Lindsay eats a bug at the open market.  Really?  Lindsay is an idiot. Bless her. Sidebar: Just when I thought this show could not get more offensive, there are tweets up on my screen.  Are these new?  Have they been there all season and I was too drunk to notice?  I want them gone.  Who cares? I bet half of them are written by the high editor, not real people.  Lindsay is in love, their kiss noises are creepy, and I think I might hurl.

Lindsay tries to tell Sean she loves him but can’t get it out.  A Thai troupe of dancers comes out and the moment is gone.  Instead she will go to the fantasy suite and have sexual relations with him.  Remembering that he is a born again virgin, the definition of sexual relations is up for interpretation, but there is something going on with those two crazy kids.  By crazy kids of course I mean pathetic freaks who cannot possibly believe that love can be found in this way.   I absolutely love how ridiculous this show is.

In the fantasy suite Sean is blubbering on about how great their future could be and Lindsay finally tells him she loves him to the crescendo of cheesy romantic music.  She tells the camera the moment is life changing as we watch her get led off to bed.  I am dying.   While Lindsay’s Army General dad watches his baby be led off for sex at home, we are about to start our next date.  Perfection.  We are with Little Orphan AshLee for her big day and you just know her gushing means she will be sent home tonight.

AshLee is scared of everything and trusts nobody, so the perfect date is to be led through an underwater cave in the dark.  Brilliant.  She is going to look death in the eye for love.  AshLee is an idiot.  Bless her.  Sean is never, in a million years and for a million dollars, going to marry a girl who got married at 17 in order to piss off her mom.  Never going to happen.  He has clearly checked out and is in it for the boobs while she is going on and on about how much she loves him and he is her soul mate. Oy vey.

They are at dinner and Sean is a talented boy because she can blow smoke up her ass while he is pouring her a glass of wine.  Round of applause please. Ashlee is acting like there is a chance she will actually say no to the fantasy suite and I am doing a shot of tequila to get through it.  She is not only going to the suite, but she will do some blowing of her own.  They are off to the sex suite and as her parents watch back home, cut to commercial so we can come back for Catherine’s shot at slutty Sean.

I don’t get Catherine.  I find her to be weird and rather odd.  By odd of course I mean it is as though she is on lithium, looking off into the distance when she talks to Sean, never looking him in the eye.  She is not that into him, is clearly talking herself into him, and I think she should go home because she is annoying.  Her sisters were strange, her voice is nagging, and the poor girl does not own a hairbrush.  It makes me crazy that she will not look at him.  Not when she is talking, or when he is talking.

The dinner conversation between Catherine and Sean makes me want to stick a toothpick in my eye and once I eat the final olive in my martini, I might in fact do it.  All three of these morons tell Sean they were unsure what to do about the fantasy suite and it is hilarious.  They were always going to go to the fantasy suite.  They know it, he knows it, we know it.  Sean manages to bag all three chicks and I am pissed off because I enjoyed my final olive but dropped the toothpick.  I think it might be under the couch.

Listening to Sean recap his week with Chris Harrison is too much.  I honestly cannot stand it.  Harrison is useless.  His questions, hand movements, facial expressions, and looks of deep thought and compassion make me pee myself.  Sean is going on and on about how he already knows who he is dumping.  It is Ashlee of course. This show is so predictable.  Every single time she said she loved him it was another nail in her coffin.  I do not like Sean, despise Chris, and am on the floor looking for a toothpick.

Watching the video messages to Sean from the three losers is painful.  It is just another crapfest of recapping and I am bored.  Lindsay declares her love and that her goal is to devote herself to making him happy.  Blah. Blah. Blah.  Even in her video Catherine looks away from the camera.  She is a freak and there is no way he should pick her.  Blah. Blah. Blah. AshLee is crying in her video and telling him she has never been happier in her whole entire life.  Someone shoot her and end her misery already.

Ashlee is bawling and Sean is doing all he can to not laugh.  She is going home and mark my words, if she is the next Bachelorette I will not watch her season.  Not doing it.  We now have five minutes of dramatic music with Sean looking constipated.  AshLee leaves without saying a word to him, then cries in the car like all the losers before her.  Gawd!!!!  Ashlee wants us all to know that this experience was serious to her and not about laughing and having fun.  This was a real shot at fame damn it.

Next week will be the Women Tell Special and since I can’t remember who most of the women are, I won’t bother blogging it. I will be watching and there will undoubtedly be some gems so I will Tweet it.  I will be back for the finale and can’t wait.  More for it to be over than the actually outcome, but whatever.  My prediction is the letter they show being delivered is from his Mom not Catherine or Lindsay.  Predictable.  I will see you next week on Twitter where I will be drunk, but keeping it real.

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February 28, 2013 | 12:00 pm

A Mob Wives Blog – Finally!

Posted by Ilana Angel

I wrote weeks ago that I was not going to blog Mob Wives because they scare me.  It was a little tongue in cheek and I laughed my ass off when someone took my comment about being scared to find a horse head in my bed seriously.  I am not scared, I am simply too busy and taking on another Sunday night show was a little stressful.  That said, I appreciate all of you who read and am flattered that you want me to blog about a show that we all love.  So, in the interest of fan appreciation, here is a Mob Wives blog.

Going back a couple of weeks,  Ramona wants to make peace with Drita.  I like Ramona and I love Drita.  It is Carla that makes me nuts, but we’ll get to her later.   Renee is in rehab and while I’m not one for televised therapy, I dig this woman and that she is standing after all she has been through is a testament to her incredible spirit.  Her going off on a chick in rehab about not knowing her was awesome. I think she is fabulous and yes, I am a little intimidated by her.  I love a woman with balls and Renee's are huge.

Ramona sucks up her pride for her kids and I love her for it.  Drita agrees to meet someone she does not trust for the sake of her kids, and I love her for it.  These women are raw and tough but they are mothers and that makes them relatable in a way other aspects do not.  We may have nothing in common in terms of what we experience in life, but when it comes to motherhood we are all the same and that makes them good television.  A mom that will kick the crap out of you is awesome, and we are all like that.

Ramona and Drita bury the hatchet and I am loving it.  Their accents when they curse and talk about fighting is perfection.  Peace is made, for now, and life goes on.  Drita talks to Carla about it, so lets talk about Carla for a minute.  Carla is a bitch.  She is bitter and angry, which I totally get, but she tries too hard to be tough.  She is not on the same level as the other women in terms of the mob vibe so bless her for trying, but she is simply not on par and I find her to be both boring and annoying.  It could change.

In the blink of an eye, it changes.  Carla is talking to her soon to be ex-husband and I feel for her.  She is trying to be cool and angry, but she clearly loves him and regrets that she did to let him come home when he got out of prison.  Her husband seems nice enough and is obviously done with her games and has a tough guy shtick, but watching them is uncomfortable.  He is over her, she loves him, I feel for her, understand him, and in the end it is more sad than entertaining.  Carla is struggling with her life and it shows.

We meet Big Ang’s husband Neil and he is not what I was expecting.  He’s handsome, big, and simple.  Just how I like my men. I freaking love Big Ang. She is television perfection and I could watch her and listen to her all day long.  We’ve met Love Majewski since I last blogged and totally I love her. She is fabulous.  Karen is doing a singing thing with her daughter and while Karen is not my favorite, she is not annoying.  Is it just me or have her boobs gotten much bigger?  She’s looking more and more like Big Ang.

Ramona is at a meeting with her lawyer about getting her boyfriend out of prison, and she takes her little girl with her.  I think it is sad and while I get they are trying to show that their lifestyle is different, there was no need to have her daughter there.   She could have sat outside with the crew or the receptionist.  This was sad to me.  Cut to Hurricane Sandy.  It is about to hit and the ladies are preparing for the storm.  It is painful to watch what happened and I find myself crying at the devastation.

They did an entire show about Hurricane Sandy and it is crushing.  Watching these women and their reaction to the storm in touching and also enlightening.  To see how they responded in comparison to the Real Housewives is interesting.  There is a clear division between who the real people are and who the fame whores are.  For me, I see who helped from a place in their heart and who thought it was a press opportunity to look good. The Mob Wives are remarkable women. Real Housewives?  Not so much.

To clarify, I think all those who helped should be applauded.  I’m just saying some help came from love and some from a desire for good press. That said, all the help mattered and so bravo to all who did their part.  I am watching this episode and crying.  I cannot wrap my head around what happened there and I hope people don’t forget, and remember that people still need help.  The storm may be over but the chaos remains.  God bless all those who have been touched by this storm and are working to recover.

Back to the ladies, we get a proper introduction to Love and I am digging her.  What’s not to love?  Ma (I love my Ma) Jew (Hello!) Ski (Love me some powder).  She is funny, tough, real, and scary as hell.  I love it that she stabs her men when they cross her.  By love it of course I mean I idolize her for doing over and over again what we have all dreamed about doing at least once. You know you have.  I certainly have.  Love is interesting, a great addition, and maybe she can push Carla out because I’m over Carla.

Sidebar:  Nothing pisses me off more than when rich reality bitches cry about how hard it is to be a single mother when they get help from the father’s of their children.  It’s even more annoying when they get help from the married men they bang.  The Mob Wives are single mothers due to both divorce and prison, and you never hear any of them complaining.  They do what needs to be done, take care of their kids, and shut the hell up.  Like them or not, I respect these women for not bitching all the time.

I love how Drita talks about Lee.  Love tells her she stabbed her ex and he wants her back. Drita says if she was going to stab Lee she’d need to kill him because if he was not dead he’d come back and kill her for stabbing him.  I dig her so much.  She is hardcore and I watch her in awe.  Over to Renee in rehab, her son AJ is visiting and in a therapy session with her.  This is rough and I feel for these kids.  That said, they are all loved and the darkness of their lives is eased by the love these women have for their children.

Listening to Renee speak of her son and how she feels she has not been a good mother is heartbreaking and I am crying like a baby with her.  We all question our motherhood at some time and she is no different.  She has done the best she can and her son loves her.  This moment is tragic and hopeful at the same time. I think Renee is brave and I am proud of her.  Back to Staten Island, Big Ang is kicking ass for hurricane relief and I’ve decided I want to date an Italian mob guy.  The Bronx boys were yummy and fabulous.

We are with Drita, Carla and Big Ang as Drita tells us Lee is out of prison and in a halfway house.  She is so excited that I feel almost giddy for her. She talks about him wanting a haircut and her getting laid. It is hilarious and quite cute. Drita is thrilled, Big Ang thinks they need to get back together and Carla says she should not take him back.  The divine Ang tells her to forgive him and start over.  She thinks Drita needs restore her family, she also says Carla’s advice is based on her own mistakes.

Renee is back from rehab and wearing a different outfit than she had on when she left Florida.  Such bad editing.  Karen is doing some music thing for her kid, who wants to be a singer.  She is with a guy called Storm and it is quite cute.  She is totally flirting and girly with him and it is charming.  He checks her out, undresses her with his eyes, and it is almost uncomfortable to watch.  I hope he is as into her as she is to him.  It is darling to watch this hard ass chick get all flirty with a man.  Good luck Karen.

Renee became a good bowler in rehab so she invites the gang to go bowling. They are talking rehab and it is nice to see them all happy to have her back. Watching Ang bowl is hilarious.  I want to be neighbors with Big Nag.  By neighbors of course I mean best friends.  There is nothing about this chick I don’t love.  Everyone is getting along except for Renee and Carla.  I’m with Renee on this one.  Over to Ang, she takes her hubs out for a makeover.  He is cute, they are hilarious, and I am fascinated by both of them.

Big Ang says all women should have a very tight leash on their men, and even choke them a little bit. Amen sister. Ramona and Drita go to the spa and all is well.  Renee and Ramona go for coffee and all is well.  Carla is with Big Ang and telling her about her impending divorce.  Ang is hardcore and gives the same advice I would.  She tells Carla to fight for custody of her kids and not let Joe have anything.  It makes sense in general but Carla is so bitter that it spells disaster for all involved.  Ang sets her straight.

Neil is preparing a romantic dinner for Ang and I think it is lovely.  He is trying and while we really have no idea what this relationship is all about, he seems to love her, she is doing her thing, and I hope we see more of them. He almost burns down the house, but dinner looks good, and they are fabulous.  Ramona does prayer service for her Grandfather and it is lovely. We don’t know anything about these people really, but the honoring of her family, regardless of what they did, is important.  It is family.

Listening to Ramona speak of her family is moving and watching the women cry at her words is touching.  They are decent women and I like them.   Over to Carla, she is meeting with Joe and his girlfriend.  Wow.  You can smell the bitterness and it is suffocating.  I’m not a fan of Carla, the girlfriend, or Joe, and this is not that interesting because they are not that interesting. Carla is a bitch, the girlfriend is a dingbat, the husband is a putz, and while I feel for Carla, there is nothing engaging or endearing about her.

Love is out with Karen and Drita and the three of them together are funny. Based on their history I think it is weird that Drita and Karen hang out. Love is not into Carla, which makes me like her more.  When Love says she will cut a bitch, she will literally cut a bitch.  I like that about her.  She is not blowing smoke up anyone’s ass.  Drita wants no drama but you know it is coming and I can’t wait. I am all caught up on the Mob Wives.  I like this show because unlike any other reality chicks, they are keeping it real.

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February 25, 2013 | 10:13 pm

The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills - Vive la France

Posted by Ilana Angel

We start off this week with Kim visiting Kyle so they can pretend to be friends.  Kim is hammered and Kyle is dressed too young for her age in a ridiculous pair of pants.  Kim jumps right into gossiping about Husband Killer being an alcoholic.  Really?  Drunk Kim is going to diagnose Taylor?  This is hilarious.  Kyle insists she has wanted to say something and I fascinated that Kyle is trying to make yet another storyline about her.  Kim and Kyle call Taylor to tell her they are on their way over to “talk”.

We head over to Ken where he is feeding the swans, and you can’t help but have a pang of envy at the life they lead.  Lisa is getting ready for a trip to Saint Tropez to visit Ken’s son from his first marriage.  The son, Warren, is married to one of Lisa’s friends.  It’s a little weird but they have worked through it all and are close now. Ken and Lisa are the best couple ever and watching them prepare for their trip is cute.  That they are taking Giggy with them is even cuter.  I totally dig this couple.

Over at Drunky Husband Killer’s house, Kim cuts to the chase and tells Taylor she thinks she is an alcoholic.  Taylor explains that she does not drink often and has no problem.  Taylor is clearly mortified that these bitches are talking to her on camera, then pulls the poor me Russell died card.  She owns up to drinking to get through it and I actually feel for her.  The best thing Taylor can do for herself and her child is to get the hell off of this show and focus on healing instead of fame whoring.

Over to Yolanda, she is hosting an evening at Mohammed’s house, which lets just clarify, is weird.  Adrienne cancels and Brandi is thrilled.  Her reaction to the cancellation is perfect.  Yolanda is going to Paris, as is Lisa, so it quickly turns into a group trip.  By group trip of course I mean Bravo is going to pay them all to go to Paris so they can have a fight and we can watch them master the art of fake friendships while Kyle makes it all about her.  They can go to classy Paris but it won’t class some of these skanks up.

Yolanda is introducing her husband David to the gang and they get to Marisa and her husband Dean.  Marisa is an idiot and her husband should kick her ass to the curb.  Marisa is embarrassing the Zanuck family and her talk of being bored with her husband and wanting to bang anyone who will have her is gross.  If they make this chick a housewife I will be unable to be kind about her.  And yes, this is my being kind to her.  Kyle arrives in a truly ugly dress and one must mention that Yolanda looks beautiful tonight.

Taylor is not going to Paris so she can focus on her daughter.  By focus of course I mean trying to not lose her again.  The party is a series of conversations that we have all heard before and I am bored.  Yolanda talks to Taylor because she has been hearing from the girls that Taylor is smack talking about her.  I like Yolanda’s balls.  Taylor denies it all and the gossiping is painful.  These women are really mean to each other and I would not want friendships like this in my life.  Not cute at all.

We are off to Saint Tropez to meet Ken’s son, who seems lovely, and his wife, who seems bitchy.  Giggy is adorable, Ken and Lisa are tired but thrilled to be there.  We learn that Ken is 66, which makes Lisa around 50. They look great.  We also learn Ken is a Grandfather as Warren has a 21 year old Grandson who is the same age as his son Max.  It all seems very cool and European.  I don’t know what that means really, but it’s just not that interesting so I am digging deep to write about the visit.

Everyone is gathered at the airport and I am laughing because we are being asked to believe that even though Yolanda and Kyle were already booked for Paris, the entire group is all on the same flight.  Such Bravo bullshit.  Marisa calls to say that she is not coming as her father-in-law passed away.  It is sad.  Sad that he died and sad that Kyle is going to use it as a chance to spew words of wisdom about life being short.  Dear Lord this woman bugs the crap out of me.  Off to Paris we go.  Au revoir!

The hotel in Paris is gorgeous.  Lisa joins in and the festivities are beginning. Everyone is gathering for the first night out and the sight of Giggy in his lavender blinged out shirt is perfection.  Kim arrives and she is wasted on what I would guess is pain meds from her unnecessary nose job. Tonight ends without anything really interesting happening and even though we see fireworks over Paris, there is a promise for some real fireworks next week. I love to blog this show and will beck next week to keep it real.

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February 19, 2013 | 1:35 pm

LeAnn Rimes is Clearly Bored

Posted by Ilana Angel

You can always tell when LeAnn Rimes is bored because she files a new lawsuit.  This chick clearly has too much time on her hands and one can only assume how miserable she must be that suing has become her favorite pastime.  This woman is a mess and I wonder why nobody in her camp is trying to help her, rather than encouraging her bizarre behavior.

I don’t think this woman has one single friend that is not on her payroll.  She has a husband who has no job and is a serial cheater, so that must put her over the edge.  When he is out and she has no idea where he is, instead of using the down time to eat a sandwich or buy an outfit that has not been worn by her husband’s ex-wife, she uses the time to file lawsuits.

The latest filing is against her former dentist who she says has caused her “emotional and psychiatric injuries”.  LeAnn wrote that her “ability to perform as an artist has been and will continue to be significantly compromised until all re-treatment is complete.”  The entire thing is insane and I imagine her dentist is laughing at her like we all are.

The way she describes her teeth issues one could assume she did not brush or floss her teeth for years, or perhaps was a meth addict.  How many people under the age of 30 need 8 root canals in one year?  It sounds a little fishy to me, but then all of her lawsuits are strange. We all know the only reason LeAnn sues is because she is bored and inherently mean.

I have been on the receiving end of her camps legal rants and it is quite entertaining.  For the people she is suing it is a pain in the ass but eventually she will burn through all her money and have to stop with these bullying tactics.  By burn through her money of course I mean her unemployed and cheating husband has already begun the process for her.

Is poor LeAnn Rimes so delusional she thinks her dentist is to blame for her career faltering? It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with her breakdown, lack of personality, or absence of all redeeming qualities.  No!  It is her dentist that caused her career to tank.  I wonder how much she pays people to be her friends and agree with everything she says.

LeAnn Rimes is silly and I enjoy writing about her because in the end she is just funny.  She was blessed with talent and rather than live her best life, she prefers to orchestrate her own train wreck on a daily basis.  It is fascinating to watch and also sad.  Time for this young woman to get a grip, stop suing, eat a sandwich, grow up, and start keeping it real.

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February 18, 2013 | 11:12 pm

The Bachelor – Roses are Starting to Stink

Posted by Ilana Angel

We are enjoying tonight’s episode courtesy of Jose Cuervo.  By enjoying of course I mean booze is required in order for enjoyment to happen. AshLee has the first hometown date and she is going on and on about how much she loves him.  She tells Sean he is just like her dad and it’s odd.  Did she hate her mom more than she loved her dad and therefore ran off to get married? Something does not add up with this chick and while I liked her from the beginning, she is now just a little too creepy for me.

AshLee says she has been waiting for this day since she was 4.  She has brought other men home, and been married, but her love has never been like this before.  AshLee appears to be a little unstable and I feel bad for her mom because we are all watching her and wondering what the hell she did to her kid to make her hate her so much as a teenager.  The whole thing is uncomfortable.  AshLee talks about romance and her parents are a little put off.  Her mom is lovely and wants AshLee to find love.

AshLee’s mom takes Sean off for a chat and they are talking about AshLee’s abandonment issues.  Strange.  Her dad is sweet and I loved his answers to Sean’s question about her previous marriage.  I just don’t see AshLee being the final pick and she is going to lose her mind and spiral out of control at being abandoned by Sean.  She is sweet, and her parents are wonderful, but I am watching her dreams about to shatter and it makes me cry at the exact same time that I am laughing my ass off. Sean is freaked out.

We are off to Seattle to see Catherine.  He sounds like he is talking himself into her and she sounds like she could care less.  It’s very weird.  They are off to meet her mother, grandmother, and two sisters.   Her sisters are obviously jealous and it is hilarious.  The sisters ask Catherine if she would say yes to a proposal and she responds by saying she would give it a try.  Bad answer.  The sisters are not into it, Catherine is not into it, yet here we are in Seattle.  Catherine should be sent home already.  She’s lame.

Sean is meeting with the sisters and they are throwing her under the bus. It is shameful and I find myself hating these bitches right now.  It is not going to work out with whomever he chooses, so why ruin her chances?  They are saying very unflattering things about their sister and it is very unfortunate. The mother is sweet and supports Catherine in a way her sisters could not. Mom tells him to let her know if she is not the one, and Sean wants Mom’s blessing but she does not give him her blessing.

Sean is confused, Catherine is worried, and I am bored.  We are off to see Lindsay who has never been so happy in her whole life.  I think she will be the winner.  They look the best together and seem to have the most in common.  Of course that means she won’t be the winner, but still, she is my favorite.  Sean is nervous to meet her dad who is an Army General.  Sean is cute with her and I see them together.  I bet AshLee is watching this episode at home crying and cutting up a doll that looks just like Lindsay!

Lindsay’s mom is adorable and Sean loves her.  Lindsay is the youngest girl left but she is the most mature.  Sean is off to speak with the General and he is scared, which is super funny.  The General is terrific and I like him a lot.  He gives Sean his blessing and it made my heart flutter.  We don’t really meet the brother but he seems sweet.  The General gives Sean dog tags as a memento of their visit and I will say it again, Lindsay is the winner.  That said, I NEVER guess the winner right.  I hate this show.  I love this show. I never read spoliers!

We just saw a commercial for the Sean Tells All Special that is apparently airing tomorrow night.  Really?  Is ABC high?  Didn’t we talk about this two night bullshit last week?  I AM NOT SITTING THROUGH ANOTHER NIGHT OF THIS.  Dear Lord.  I am totally going to have to watch this show again tomorrow.  My liver is shutting down and I still have an hour to go on this episode.  Why?  Why? Why? Why is this happening?  We are off to Desiree’s house for the final hometown date.  Buckle up people.

Des plays a prank on Sean and it is stupid.  I was not buying it, and I’m not buying that Sean was buying it either.  Her family is sweet and the truth is I liked her parents before we even met them.  They are lovely and she is cute. Her brother Nathan is not into it and thinks the whole thing is stupid.  He does not believe in the process and takes Sean out to put him on blast. I just decided that there is no way I am blogging tomorrow night.  I will tweet about it, but blogging is now out of the question.  Thank you Jose!

The brother says he does not feel the feelings are reciprocated from Sean to Des and it is hilarious.  Sean tries to put her brother at ease but the brother laughs at him.  He calls Sean a playboy and essentially dismisses him. Des is not going to be the big winner. They come back to dinner and everyone knows the brother has messed things up. Des calls her brother out at the table and the awkwardness is outstanding.  Daggers are being thrown while the parents talk about the weather to ease the tension.  Perfection.

Sean can barely kiss Des as the brother has ruined the night and her chances. It’s rose ceremony time and Sean recapping his dates to Harrison makes me want to throw my television out the window.  Sean lets us know Lindsay and AshLee are safe tonight but he is torn between Catherine and Desiree.  Des interrupts the rose ceremony to apologize for her brother. Stupid.  Sean has the final rose in his hands, puts it down and walks away without handing the rose out.  He tells Harrison he likes them both and is unable to make a decision.  He should send them both home.

Sean sends Des home and sits with her outside to talk.  He tells her he is worried he made a mistake and Des agrees.  She is crying, he tells her he prayed on it, and her bitterness is heavy and thick.  He is hugging her, she is complaining, and I want them to wrap it up already.  He whispers to her that he will miss her, and she says then don’t let me go.  Total douchebag thing for him to say.  Which makes sense because in the end Sean is a douchebag. He didn’t start out one, but he sure is one now.

The dramatic music is making me chew on my ice cubes in order to get every last drop of Jose off them.  Next week the final three go to Thailand and then the end is in sight.  Tomorrow promises to be a scripted sack of crap, but I will watch because I am too far in to stop now.  This show makes me angry, does not entertain me, and gives me a headache while watching and a hangover the next day.  I watch, suffer and blog because the last five minutes of the series is worth it.  In the end, for me, romance keeps it real.

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February 18, 2013 | 7:20 pm

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills: Hypocrite White Party

Posted by Ilana Angel

News came out today that Adrienne Maloof is not returning next season and so watching it this week takes on a whole new joy because Adrienne is a bitch and a liar. Knowing her time here is coming to an end is fabulous.  We begin at Kim’s house where she is unveiling her new nose.  It would appear she also got her boobs done.  Are those puppies new? 

Faye the skanky whore arrives with Kyle and they bring Kyle’s daughter along with Husband Killer’s daughter Kennedy.  Marisa arrives, who cares, then Taylor calls in drunk off her ass.  She is in love and jetting off to bang some loser and has no idea where her baby is.  She is surprised to learn she is with Kyle and it is just very sad and scary for Kennedy.

Adrienne, the lying sack of steaming crap arrives. Then Kyle and Kim immediately start the gossiping and Marisa says Taylor always leaves Kennedy with Kyle a lot.  Marisa says she would never go away with a guy on a whim.  Really?  Marisa has made it very clear she would love to go away with a new guy for a weekend.  These chicks are insane and crack me up.

Adrienne tells Kim Paul could have done a better job on her nose.  Adrienne is an idiot. Kim’s plastic surgeon arrives to remove the bandages for the big reveal and I am seriously not getting it.  Kim is a freak, and having a party to show her nose is just weird.  Showing it on television is creepy. Kyle makes it all about her and if I were Kim I would stay clear of Kyle at all costs.

Everyone is drooling over the nose and I honestly can’t see the difference. Adrienne is again saying her husband, the man she hates and says abuses her and her kids, would have done as good of a job.  Faye looks on wondering if she should get one too, and Kyle is wondering if it’s time to get her chin worked on.  I cannot stand these Richards women and their friends.

We are at Adrienne’s for a fake family day by the pool and Paul smells a fire. Adrienne gets in the car with her kids and drives off while Paul stays back to take pictures.  Adrienne tells the camera his choosing to stay was a big mistake.  Really?  After all the crap they talk about each other, and we all know the marriage was over already, she thinks that was his big mistake?

Kyle is preparing for her white party and we cut to Adrienne and Paul heading to Kyle’s. Kyle is getting ready and the yard is not done so once again the editing on this show sucks.  Faye is with Kyle and just the sight of her makes me feel sick to my stomach.  Paul and Adrienne are in the car bashing Brandi and denying that they have done anything wrong. Epic losers.

Kyle says the party last year was so bad she thought about not having the party this year.  Such a crock of sh*t.  She would do anything and everything for camera time so there was no way the party was not happening.  Lisa and Ken arrive, followed by Brandi and her pal Jennifer.  Lisa lets us how Adrienne’s self tanner has been left on furniture all over town.

Taylor arrives and acts as if her taking off and dumping her child was totally cool.  She is a husband killing, money hungry, fame whore and I think she is disgusting.  May God bless that little girl and hold her close because the dad is gone and her mom is certifiable.  I am thrilled that Adrienne is not coming back and seriously hope Taylor gets the boot with her.

There is not a lot happening in this episode and it is all quite boring.  Brandi is feeling uncomfortable but greets Kim and then takes off Lisa for a chat while Adrienne is telling everyone how she stained Lisa’s furniture.  Adrienne appears to be a little off.  By off of course I mean a pill may have accidentally gone down her throat.  Allegedly.  (She likes to sue.)

Brandi sends for Adrienne so they can chat and Lisa lets us know in the battle of wits it will be unfair as Adrienne is unarmed.  Hilarious.  Adrienne and Paul go to speak with Brandi who has Jennifer there for back up. Adrienne says a letter is not a lawsuit, and Brandi says the letter resulted in her needing a lawyer and Adrienne says she had to hire one too.

Brandi is telling them why she was upset, Adrienne denies it all, and Paul is trying to take over the conversation.  Paul is defending Bernie, which is hilarious because Paul is now also suing Bernie.  Too funny.  Brandi provides Paul with back up and Adrienne looks on as Paul reads it.  Adrienne is a pig, and now we all know that Paul knows it too.  He must feel like a fool.

It is sad that Brandi needs to carry around her letters of proof but I guess one needs to be armed at all times when entering a lion’s den.  Lisa is talking with Kyle who is doing her lip pursing thing that makes her look stupid and her chin look weak.  Lisa is supporting Brandi and calling Kyle out for not being supportive when last year she lost her mind over the same issues.

Adrienne did not take legal action against Brandi in the same way President Clinton did not have sexual relations with that woman.  Taylor is now calling Kyle out for kicking her and Russell out last year, yet allowing Adrienne and Paul to be there.  The whole thing is ridiculous and the only thing we know for sure is that Kyle causes problems, then walks away from them.

The entire group is now talking about what is going on and Taylor is still calling out Adrienne and Paul but they are not having it.  Paul tries to imply something inappropriate is going on with Brandi and Ken and the whole thing is gross.  I am over this show.  Next week Kim tells Taylor she is a drunk.  I mean Kim, while drunk, tells Taylor that she, Taylor, is a drunk. Oy vey.

Also next week, a group of people who cannot stand each other will go to Paris on holiday.  Dear Lord.  It is time for new cities and new casts.  The Real Housewives franchise is dying a slow and painful death and we are all still watching so it will never end.  It’s our own fault for watching a reality show that is not entertaining and unable on any level to keep it real.

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February 18, 2013 | 5:02 pm

The Real Housewives of Atlanta Suck Without NeNe

Posted by Ilana Angel

We are back in Atlanta and it is pageant time with Cynthia.  We are at the Bailey School and see the posters for Cynthia’s pageant, which has a big picture of Cynthia on it.  So lame.  Kenya is there with a young girl she is mentoring.  Really?  Kenya is a lunatic.  Cynthia tells Kenya she cut ties with Porsha.  We learn she is going to host the pageant with Boris Kodjoe. 

After Cynthia lost her mind on Kenya last time she helped her out, Cynthia tells Kenya she can be a judge at the Miss Renaissance pageant.  Dear Lord. Cynthia Bailey is a moron.  Over with Porsha, who I should mention is just as dumb as Cynthia, is with her very bossy husband.  She orders a Sprite, he changes it to wine, and I do not like them separately or together.

He wants her to have a baby and to stay home and raise the child on her own, with no nanny.  She wants a nanny but he prefers she do it on her own. She suggests she  “borrow” her brother’s child for a week to see if she can handle being a mother.  Porsha is a dingbat, her husband is a pig, and why would her brother “lend” his baby for a week? He knows how dumb she is.

Phaedra is having Kandi over for dinner and Chef Roble is cooking.  It gets sexual and I’m not getting it.   They are sitting for dinner in a room that appears to be decorated by Ikea and I am confused.  Kandi is planning a trip to LA for the girls to visit NeNe, followed by time in Las Vegas.  They are talking about Kandi’s new gospel career.

Marvin Sapp is there to meet with Kandi to record her gospel song.  She sells sex by day and praises the Lord by night.  God bless her.  Kandi is unappealing and appears to have very little self-confidence.  I sometimes think it is cute, but lately I find it more annoying than anything else.  Kandi’s dad stops by and he was not at all what I was expecting.

We hear Kandi’s song and it sounds like her songs from last season.  Nothing new here.  I like the term “Prayed Up” and so maybe Marvin can help her along because I don’t hear a hit here on her own. Her dad reminds me of Billy Dee Williams circa Mahogany, and I like him.  He likes the Lord and bless him for loving his kid and seeing the joy her music brings.

NeNe is in town for a quick minute and Cynthia stops by to visit.  Cynthia tells NeNe that Kenya is going to be a judge at the pageant and NeNe reminds her that Kenya is a crazy person and Cynthia is a fool for inviting her to participate.  NeNe should not even appear on this show anymore.  She is better than all of this and she is slumming it every time she stops by.

I love NeNe and really only enjoy this show when she is on, but I love her too much not say that she needs to get the hell off of this show and go solo. NeNe knows that everyone is coming to Los Angeles to see her and she is prepared for it to go badly.  This show may have made NeNe known, but I truly hope it is not the thing that now brings her down too.

The baby is with Porsha and she thinks she is ready.  She picks her up by one arm, watches as the baby plays with the dog food, puts her foot in her poop while changing the diaper, and leaves the baby on the bed with her dog as the babysitter.  The baby is off wondering the house, Porsha is ready for her husband to get home, and I am seriously bored.

It is pageant time and I am laughing my ass off.  This is hilarious.  The pageant guy is predictable, and we see Cynthia goes to pick up Boris by herself.  He is in a button down shirt and jeans, no suit.  Kandi shows up in a rather unfortunate dress, and Kenya comes with her Miss USA sash.  I am so excited about this train wreck.  Sidebar: Cynthia needs some Spanx.

The script is wrong, Cynthia is sweating, Boris is a dumbass, and everyone is laughing.  Kenya is acting normal which means something weird is definitely happening in Atlanta this week.  These women are boring without Nene and seeing NeNe feels weird because she just does not belong here anymore. Atlanta has been ruined and watching it is now hard.

The pageant is awkward and I am ready for it to be over.  Cynthia is saying how legit and fabulous she is, Kenya is reminding us this is her thing, and the winner is crying and falling to the floor in amazement.  Next week the ladies will be in LA with Nene so we’ll see how that plays out.  I will tune in to watch because with NeNe we know at least one perosn will be keeping it real.

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February 18, 2013 | 2:16 pm

The Dark & Dirty Shahs of Sunset Reunion

Posted by Ilana Angel

A reunion for this show was probably not a good idea.  We saw these people first season and it was love, on the second season the shine was off and we saw that perhaps they were not as great as we thought, then we get this and see that there are not a lot of redeeming qualities about these people.  They are rude, raunchy, not particularly bright, and quite mean.

Andy starts with Lily who spends five minutes telling us she does not need to talk about how rich she is, then spends another five minutes showing us exactly how rich she is.  She is freakishly pretty, has a somewhat deformed looking body, and a voice that makes me cringe, but there is something sweet about her.  By sweet of course I mean stupid can be charming.

The show begins with Reza comparing the trimming of his mustache to the manscaping of Mike’s genitals. I should have turned it off right away but now I’m sucked in and have to finish.  My prediction is that this reunion is going to make it hard for the cast to come back as it is because we are not going to like them, and we know all their relationships are fake.

We get a recap of how hard these people party and it is hard to believe how old they are.  They are behaving like college kids, not mature adults with jobs and responsibilities.  I am embarrassed for them right now.  Lily admits to being uptight, MJ admits to not remembering things when she is drunk, and Mike tells us he is posing for Playgirl.  Please make this end.

The conversation quickly goes to MJ being an addict.  Asa is convinced MJ is sedated all the time and she is concerned.  Everyone jumps on the bandwagon and the show is now about throwing MJ under the bus.  Reza says she has known MJ for 20 years and she has a pill addiction.  The reunion has now turned into an episode of Intervention.  This is not cool.

Reza is dealing with fallout in his family for making out with his boyfriend on camera.  Lily didn’t tell her parents she was even going to be on this show. We then get a recap of exactly how mean they have all been to each other all season.  The amount of crap they talk about each other is fascinating and you have to wonder if any friendships will survive this show.

GG and Asa are hashing it out and it is sad.  These people were ruined by fame and are poster children for why you should not do a reality television show.  GG refers to Asa as “that thing” and it is on.  It ends in screaming and we see it will pick up next weekend with even more screaming. This show is bad, the reunion is disturbing, and nobody is keeping is real.

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